The past few days have been a bit strange for me, mentally and physically. I have been feeling sluggish and easily tired out and wanting to hit the bed for naps. Nothing wrong except I do not feel one hundred percent me, I felt like being under the negative external influence has attached itself to me, perhaps with not ill intention or perhaps with all the intention of shifting my attention away from my spiritual path. I am aware of this shift and am mindful that i do not succumb to its negative energy and loose my footing and find myself right where i began, slip sliding on my ass down the muddy road towards damnation. Call it paranoia, call it obsession, call it ignorance, call it what you may, I like my path, I enjoy taking these strolls down and up the highway of life and find myself sometimes in the most sad of situations and yet at other time the best of times life can afford to offer. I am grateful for all that I have been offered, the grace that I have been showered now and again by my Lord, I am grateful for all the cures and protections I have felt along the way, for only the Divine in me could have written this, the story of my life. It may not be much of a story compared to many, none the less, it has a beginning and will have an end sooner than later. If it had not been for That which is my Savior and my Lord and Creator, I would have perished many times allowing my 'nafs' or my ego to have the better of me.
I do feel tired even as I am writing it down I am forcing it, I get the urge to say enough is enough, at least for today. Give up , go to bed, take a nap! However here I am still trying to make sense out of non-sense. Here I am listening to soft jazz piano music on the headphones and telling stories in order to justify why i have to stay awake and tell my story to myself and and calling it a 'Practice', Tomorrow, my Ausie Brother, Ben will be flying home to Australia to be with his mother for three weeks. I am gonna miss him. Oh well the guy misses his Mom, what can you say. Yes i am getting tired of making these Blog Entries, it is a shame to simply give up when I am about to reach the end of my long narration of what has been and what will be and what is going on in and around my life. I am getting tired of telling and retelling my stories as thought i all really matters, that i am fulfilling a prescription for some illness that have been plaguing me for the most of my existence, like lust and anger, like hate and delusion, these illnesses which had very often got me into all manners of downfall and degradation, in the form of drug addiction and drunkenness, womanizer and abuser of trust, yes i have been all that and more in the past and by ingesting more drugs it will cure all these long time karmic accumulations and make them disappear. I am tired simply of fooling myself over and over that there is much greater meaning to this life when all I find having lived for the past seventy odd years is that life is one long boring repetitious haul of a load of nothing from out of one hole into another, as it is commonly called in the environmental language, from cradle to grave. Hence I have decided to join the Shunyamurti - Sat yoga, 'Wounded Hearts Club Band." I was a member of the 'Sargent Peppers' Lonely Hearts Club Band at one time when the Beatles were wild in the sixties and seventies.
I feel most fortunate to have been born in the fifties just after the War when the Japanese were kicked out of South East Asia and the British had decided they had sucked dry the natural resources of the country and left it in the hands of their staunch ass kissers to rule the people. I was born when the history of my country was going through major changes and the world was recovering from the post war traumas getting things up and running again with new ideas on how to run the countries better. But history as is said repeats itself, in the sixties the Vietnam War kept the war narrative moving along and the United States became the sheriff that ran the show or so it seemed. Then came the Hippies and the Power of Love that shook the masses all over the world with an awakening of sorts. Then came the Gulf Wars that the Bush family decided to take on under false pretentions, with the main cause was to eradicate Sadam Hussein and His Regime and to secure the Iraqi Oil production. I am not a historian but it was the way I felt it happened and I may be wrong. Muammar Gadhafi the Libyan Leader was next eliminated in the most heinous way by the NATO Alliances led by the United States simply because He was too smart for his own good. With his demise the country fell from one of the most prosperous to one that is broiled in civil wars. Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, Israel and a host of other nations fell to the scourge of war mostly propagated by the United States. This is the History that I have grown old with much or less. Here at home, the Malaysian Politics is in a class of its own with never a dull moment especially in the change of governments over a short period of time. Accused to be one of the most corrupted nation and complicit in the biggest financial scandal in the world, Malaysia since the Independence Days,{1957} is today still a blessed country to live in. This is why I returned to live in this country after having lived abroad for the past 25 years of my life. The United States, Japan and for a short time in Dubai, not bad countries to live in if one is looking to become rich and famous and they asked me why do you come back to this 'shit hole' after living in such far out places? I would answer them in my Zen like manner like, I would not be talking to you right now if I had decided to not come back would I?
The longer version of the answer is more like, I return to live the rest of my life in this country of my birth because I would like to be able to experience having lived a full circle of life of both East and West and the in between. The opportunity to have lived in Sendai, Japan was like a transitional or transit zone for my family and I from having lived in the US for 21 years to moving back East ending up in Malaysia, the prodigal son arriving home. The three years in Japan where my two children spent their Kindergarten education and my late wife teaching ESL all over Japan and me being the Baby Sitter, was a lesson for me to become more of a Zen practitioner than a stiff necked moron when i am confronted with tedious, monotonous and despicable task that comes my way. If ad when someone ask me again why I am doing what I am doing, I would say that it is my vow as a Bodhisattva to be the best that i can be in serving my fellow man.
"Beings are numberless, I Vow to Awaken with Them!"
And so i keep on writing...and no one has to read.
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