It seems like there is a constant pressure applying itself upon my mind and body fro without especially in the form of thoughts, sometimes heavy thoughts of sins and past faults and transgressions causing guilt if not fear a s a result. Part of ageing? Growing old and expecting imminent death at any time is causing the mind to regurgitate past issues that were not resolved and keeps one in constant depression wondering if one is destined for hell in the after life. Many an enlightened being would laugh if not frown over this mental/emotional state of being. What's is the use or what good is all the years of soul searching, spiritual practices and disciplines when it all boils down to this; I should have gotten use to bowing five times a day like the rest of my fellow Muslims. Perhaps my inability to do so, to perform this second pillar of Islam is causing the discomfort that I am experiencing in my heart. I can keep going down this path and accumulate much more heavy duty guilt upon myself the things I should do or have been doing in order to secure a peace of mind if not a place in heaven when I die, but it is not an easy solution as I have chosen the path of a seeker of truth in spirituality, in faith and in surrendering my soul at the end of the day.
Like a broken record i will keep telling myself that I have place my faith in The Lord and being a converted Muslim I call Him by His Arabic Name, Allah Subhana huwaTaala, or Lord of the Universe. In this nothing in this or the afterlife can deter me unless it is done with the shrewdest form of manipulation that beguiles my mind at the last moment of my breath. I write this down, again, as a testimony and a plea to the All Mighty that I be savd from being swayed in my standing in the profess that, Laillahaillalah! Muhammad ul Rasullalah." There no God, only Allah and that Muhammad is His Messenger. May I go to the grave with this final declaration in my heart; I am always with my Lord and HE IS WITH ME!
And as it is said, the Devil is in the details.
I am a sinner, no doubt about it. I have sinned on numerous occasions and in numerous ways a man could in my past and perhaps still am committing them in my present. I ask myself the same question my entire adult lffe, Why? No matter how I try to justify I can never come up with an answer but only to vilify myself over and over with doubts and regrets. From a song by Peter, Paul and Marry, "I am a man of constant sorrow and I've seen troubles all my days...For in this world, I'm bound to ramble..." For some odd reason this song had stuck in my mind among others like the stacks in the jukebox of collected favorites since I was thirteen or fourteen. My teenage years were the years of tumultuous reckoning, of anger and pain of rejection and abuse; I was drowned in self pity and the only way out of this pit was to embrace the very anger and hate I had and become the one to inflict the pain; I became the sinner with no recourse or remorse. Yes, indeed, the Devil is in the details! I knew no shame or guilt nor did I care who I hurt or the damage I caused; I was beyond redemption and perhaps still is nonredeemable in the eyes of my Lord...for in my anger sorrow and pain, I pointed finder up to the dark sky one night and cursed His Name for having given me this life of pain and suffering; I was thirteen.
I threw caution and conscience to the wind and thumping my chest like an angry gorilla I set out to satisfy myself in every way I could I allowed my ego free reign and this ego laid to waste many great relationships and brought upon itself curses from those who I betrayed and those I had disappointed. I can never ask for forgiveness for my transgressions from each and every person or sentient beings I had been wrong to but I feel deeply that only my Lord can find the means for this forgiveness. Hence I accept my fate and surrender myself fully to His Mercy and hope that I can be forgiven through His Blessing.
Yesterday evening while listening to a few Videos on You Tube on talks given by Alan Watts and Suniamutrti I stumbled upon a video that sent chills down my spine as it was as though my higher consciousness or as the video implied, God talked to me directly.The Video called, 'The Impersonal Life' by Joseph Benner sent shock waves through my mind as I listened to God addressing me and laying out His Plans and where I stand in the Divine scheme of things. Never have I heard such powerful and complete talk that addressed just about every issue I had written on this post prior to this last paragraph. My repeating the thought provoking words of this Audiobook produced by "Learn-out-loud" on You Tube hit at the core of my being and I felt like I was listening to my Higher Self or God explaining in detail all that I needed to hear and ironically in this case God is in the details. Doubtless to say I felt an ease in my soul, like a lead shroud has been lifted from my consciousness revealing the unseen truth meant for healing this splintered soul of who I have been thinking to be me. This experience, this revelation is like the blessing/redemption of the Fasting Month of Ramadan thus far from my Higher Consciousness/God. #ramadan,#revelations,
In response to 'God' of Joseph Benner's, 'The Impersonal Life,' I was led to listen to a Video on the Philosophy of Spinoza simply by chance or out of curiosity or perhaps, God's will...
"The road to these things I have pointed out now seems very hard, but it can be found and off course something that is found so rarely is bound to be hard. For if salvation is ready to hand and can be found without great effort, how could it come about that almost everyone neglects it? But excellence is as difficult as it is rare." ... Ethics-Spinoza. 'A Complete Guide to Life.' -You Tube.
#josephbenner,#higherself,#theimpersonallife,#spnoza,#ethics
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