And when it all comes to a peaceful stand off this early in the morning, listening to ,'Last of the Mohicans,' theme songs on You Tube played by different orchestras and styles helps to raise the spirit. There is a 3 hour long repetitious video of the tune which I often use as my background music when I write. The tune has a melancholic sway to it that moves my heart into its rhythm keeping my mind floating upon the waves of consciousness not attached to anything in particular except my fingers dancing upon the keys creating thoughts as they flow out into forms of expression to how I am feeling...and the morning has broken... the sky is turning from darkness to hues of purple to crimson red...outside my window. I overslept this morning however and was unable to prepare the 'Saur' food for my son and I and so we just drank water and milk and I ate two pieces of Kurma (dates) just before the 'Subuh azan' came from the mosques all around our apartment starting the fasting for the day; no more eating or drinking for the rest of the day. This is the eleventh day of the Fasting Month of Ramadan and the war in the Ukraine is still raging just as the genocide in the Gaza and the rest of Palestine has become and endemic of human brutality towards the oppressed and Yemen is dying day by day of hunger and starvation while Syria lay in ruins; I am fasting.
I, (now every time I say I) there is a pause in my mind, like which I am I using in addressing myself. If it makes any sense what I am trying to say is the I that I am used to go by in the past seem 'shallow', not truly the I that I am. Not the infinite eternal I, the I of supreme consciousness, the Atman, or the unborn Buddha nature, the I that is awakened, enlightened, the I of my higher consciousness, of being.... the Divine I. It's just a pause, like I have another higher immortal self that I am addressing myself through. Not that it means much more than the fact that it is just another added dimension to my understanding of who I truly am and am still dealing with a full acceptance of this fact. It is sadi that there things that cannot be shared especially through words no matter how much one wishes to share these thoughts for clarity before final acceptance as a fact of life. It is a giant step to take what the God within has to offer, that Divine partnership of omniscience and omnipotent, of immortality and infinite wisdom, of supreme being and consciousness; it is indeed beyond my capability to bear the ramification not to mention the burden of responsibility for such a station in this life at this moment; it would be like the acceptance of becoming an enlightened being or a prophet. Hence which I am I using when saying I in my daily communication as in this writing itself; am I the personality or the Divine I?
Somewhere a long time ago I have posted something about the Book called, The Master Key by Charles F. Haanel., a book I had brought along with me when I left Malaysia for the first time to settle down in the United States, I was 25 years of age then. The few lines that I had stuck in my mind from the book is a form of auto suggestion that I was instructed to keep repeating to myself daily;
"I am Whole, Perfect abd Complete, Strong and Powerful,
Loving and Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy.
And I ca do what I wish to do, Insha'Allah or so help me God."
Till this day I still recite these words to my self every now and then especially in time of dire need and today I feel like these words of self assertion are beginning to come to fruition in my daily life. I am and never was a religious person in the sense that I could never pray like the devout Muslim of my brothers and sister do nor can I fully surrender myself without doubt to the Lord's Will much as I claim myself to, but I am very conscious of these my short comings an have most of my adult life spent great amount of time and energy in trying to understand why I am the way I am. This lengthy Blogging of my life is my way of trying to make some sense out of all the non-sense that I have accumulated, manifested and thought of as who or what I am or think myself to be, but after all these years of dedicating myself towards my spiritual studies I am still at a lost; I still feel I am lost. It seems like whatever truth that I am seeking or hope to find is not out there and it never has been. All the teachers and books, practices and belief I have had seems are just partial truths and never the whole truth. I have felt the despair and a sense of being lost in a limbo and being not a religious person I find no comfort in the prayers and scriptures like a devout Muslim or Christian would in their religious faith; I find God within me and am not able to fully surrender to the fact that He is truly there in my heart of heart.
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