Singing my death song.

" Knowing oneself is the basis of everything, the basis of all your questions and there you will find all the answers because you are the history of mankind...you must know yourself thoroughly, completely, not according to anybody, of books and teachings of religious scriptures, you must know yourself...the total nature of structure ...what your mind is...the whole movement of yourself...begin where you are..."     J. Krishnamurti. - Rajghat talk -1976

For ever now I have been telling myself the same thing, to know my true self is the most crucial and fundamental issue in my life and this i discovered way before I found out that the likes of J. Krishnamurti or Alan Watts. Sri Ramana Maharshi or Nisargadatta Maharaj, Mooji or RamDass existed. This was way back when before i even made my move to the United States, where I spent 21 years of my life as a happy go lucky idiot who knew no better than wasted my life away over matters that took me to the lowest of of the low morallyand not to speak of spiritually. I was being put through the wringer and knew not until I met the above characters through their books and lives. These were my spiritual Gurus, thee and many others who I stumbled upon while in college and continued on till this date and I am still meeting new masters whose words and wisdom helps me to keep my perspective towards where I am headed and that being, knowing my true nature beyond the realm of the physical and mental formations, I have time and again kept reminding myself that it is my wish to become free from if not liberated from this circle of life-death and rebirth as the historical Buddha did before my last breath, if not in this life in the next.

Sometimes I feel I have been wasting my time and fooling myself over something that is just another warped perception of an ignorant mind. Now at 72 it is a matter of time not too much longer before I depart this life, the truth is still evasive and veiled from my complete understanding. I have gambled my faith and am tempting fate in what to expect in the afterlife; heaven or hell or will there be simply nothingness. The issue here is really not about heaven or hell when I die it is more about what am I or who am I truly while living this life and manifesting, engaging and drumming up all these images and experiences irregardless of right or wrong good or bad. The thought process itself is a mind boggling issue to fully comprehend and then there's the dream states and the imaginative and whatever else that we go through in a day of our lives for 72 years!.

"I am Ready to Know!" I am more than ready to take on whatever it is that would set me on the path towards what is the real, what is beyond this illusive existence that I have been lost in like a soul in limbo. After all these years I have come to fully comprehend what the Buddha discovered about this life, that life is indeed suffering and that there is none who really suffers; for so long as there is an 'I' or a 'me', life is indeed suffering. Hence how does one end suffering if one is bonded to this concept of I, me and mine? If one goes deeper into it one finds the truth gets further and further from what is the real. There are moments when it seems futile to go on dwelling upon what life amounts to other than just to go on living the best possible way you can until it is time to leave the scene for good. There is no more mountains to climb and no rivers to cross and if there is one finds no more energy to make things happen. There is only pain, physical and mental anguish that seems to appear and disappear more frequently than ever; this is ageing. No matter how hard one tries to divest from clinging on to this material and mental existence one fails, there seem to be no escape from this self constructed prison. Death it seems is the only way out of this conundrum and eath comes when it comes not unless it be self induced or suicide. 

Taking a coward's way out is not an option especially when there is still food on the table and roof on top of the head, others who still look up to you and you having the will to make things happen whatever it takes. It would be an insult if not a huge disappointment to the loved ones to simply remove oneself from their presence without a cause that they would understand. Living a meaningless life on the other hand is a waste of life itself; it is like sitting on a death row waiting for the time of execution. How to make that rebound? How to make that shift from being stuck in this rut and move on to a more creative and productive state that I used to be able to do in the past? How to jump the hurdle or break through the barrier that is slowly building itself around me making me feel weak and helpless, accepting my fate of fading into oblivion lost in a limbo. If my time is up and there no more that I can accomplish in this life I will have to start making preparations for my departure in such a way that is most acceptable to all. I will need a plan of exit that would be as adventurous and elegant as I have lived my life. I understand that it is all relative how i lived my life, sometimes on the bright side and sometimes on the dark side of the road, however I came to realize that ti is all my life right or wrong, good or bad. I am responsible for all that had and will always be and I am manifesting my every experience today just as I have done everyday of my life. 

I have only but one legitimate witness to all these and that is my Creator, my Lord, God or in my case Allah subhana hu Wataala.Lord of Creations. I am answerable to the One and truly Al Haq or the Real, The Truth, That from which I had come and to return to at the end of my days. I have live my life knowingly or otherwise in the shadow of an illusion and every now and then am awaken to this realization by the remembrance of the fact that there is That which is far greater than who I am witnessing and assisting my every move and keeping from over extending myself one way or another. To become closer to the Creator the Lord and Master is my intention in all my life from the yearn to know my true nature to the cause and reason for my being here: what brought me here? Round and round we go asking the same question and getting no where near the truth, but till the Fat Lady sings the Blues, we ask and we demand for the truth.