And I woke up this morning -It's Friday!

 Living in a sick society is very toxic to the soul and a challenge to the spirit and today as never before the whole of humanity is drifting in a sea of toxicity both natural and man made. The status we are in as a specie is so deplorable that even the reign of Attila The Hun and Adolph Hitler is now becoming a walk in the park, Yes many if not millions died during the wars of ages but be as it may, the wars were identifiable, recognizable, and the reasons for fighting were no mystery that it was mostly due to Greed, Hate and Ignorance., the three inherent human illnesses from beginning-less of time. Today humanity is sick from reasons beyond comprehension, we are mentally, physically and spiritually sick for no good reason other than being just sick of it all. We are living in a pressure cooker that has a no release valve and waiting for the time to burst as we keep living in denial of where we are at as a specie, headed for a final count down short of an Armageddon, a self fulfilling, End of Days and it is gathering momentum as we trudge towards this final phase of our existence on this plane of existence.

It must be Friday morning! Through the years I have come to realize that the Fridays of my life has been not such a 'Holy-day' for me as a Muslim. Perhaps it is because I seldom pray like all the goof God fearing Muslims and Friday Prayers included. It is said that if one misses three consecutive Friday Prayers in a row on e is not a Muslim and thus that has ruled me out a long time ago. Does that mean that I am not scared of God or to die? No! I am scared shit-less come to think of it, and this is why I try not to think, non-thinking, no thoughts. Easier said than done cause the more I dwell on the matter the worse it gets and I notice how my mind thrives on bringing God and death into the equation when all else fails to shake me from my resolve. What's my resolve? For one I have resolved to get to know who I truly am before I get to know my Maker, my Creator and oh yes, I totally believe in there being a God, the One and only and call it by whatever Name your religion and culture has insttructed you to, but there is no doubt in my mind that God in all His Infinite Being exists in my heart and my mind. Living this life on this plane of existence I live my life with the total acceptance that I am the property of my Maker and he commands my every breath that I take and not to mention, every move that I make and yes He is watching me...as the song goes, (Sting).

However i do not fear my Lord to the point of being petrified or with an acceptance of a mindless worm simply existing to turn the soil while waiting for evolution to convert me to my next realm which hopefully would elevate me to a higher level as I fail to see how much lower I can get. Seeing that I am now existing as a human with a free will and a sharp mind to boot, I would consider my life a waste if I do not come to a state opf understanding of who or what I am in relationship to the rest of this Universe and the Lord my Maker.  Is it my ego that is talking out? Perhaps. However that does not take it away from the fact that I still tremble at the thought of what might lie ahead for my in the after life and more so for being an arrogant and incorrigible entity who has been endowed with such blessings better than most in his life; I deserve to be afraid. Am I not grateful for all that I have been blessed with? Oh. more than words can express and this is not because I am afraid of God or of dying but this is because I Love my Lord and I look forward to death,(except for the process itself). 

When we look deeply into impermanence, we see that things change because causes and conditions change. When we look deeply into non-self, we see that the existence of every single thing is possible only because of the existence of everything else. We see everything else is the cause and condition for its existence. We see that everything else is in it...

If we practice the art of mindful living, when things change, we won’t have any regrets. We can smile, because we have done our best to enjoy every moment of our life and to make others happy... The teaching of impermanence helps us appreciate fully what is there, without attachment or forgetfulness.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, in "Long Live Impermanence!!!".

(Artwork: Pipo Nguyen Duy)

13

 

  

Capturing the Virus -COVID19 -

 

The Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah (MGTF) --Univesity Sains Malaysia (USM) invited me to participate in a live streaming of six artists myself included. It was called "Pleinair Art" and so I joined in with my piece of work that was unfinished from the last series I was working on. This painting was a part of my solo exhibit at the Galeri Seni Mutiara entitled "OUT SAM B" and the opening was done on my 70th. Birthday. 

The Webinar was also joined in by an African American Artist from Illinois Najjar Musawil who had visited Penang a few years ago, Najjar is a Professor at the University of Southern Illinois and the Dean of the Arts Dept. I have written of Najjar's visit here in the Blog sometime ago. There was also a Nigerian student who is doing his gradaute studies at USM who is an excellent artist and a very friendly and humble man. Abdullahi Suleiman or Leman as he is known among friends here lives in England but fell in love with Malaysia and one of her citizens and has decided that he would make this country his second home or should i say third home. #learnart#learnoninstagram #portraitdrawing #charcoaldrawing  

T.C. Liew and Mysol Baha are two upcoming young artists who are multi-talented and have been very active in the art scene here especially in being productive teachers in art. And then there is Hasnul J. Saidon the organizer and Director of the Museum, a very well known and respected man in his field. We have been friends for many years now and still keep in touch.  

I will die a Jivan Mukti - Happy 72 Years of Lfe.

 Yesterday was my 72nd. birthday celebration and I had a good time as much as COVID19 and a deteriorating physical condition would permit one to have. One of my grand niece baked me a chocolate cake and a cousin living some four hundred kilometres in the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur ordered me a special lunch online delivered to my home. I had over one hundred well wishers on my Face Book which was  heart warming simply to realize that you have friends out there who are aware that you still exist on this plane. 72 years of being alive is quite a bonus for me compared to many of my close friends who have left for the afterlife in the last few years and I know that it will be one of the trend for me if I keep hanging around to watch others go one by one especially with the pandemic. Well I am grateful to still be around and hang out with my two children and the cat pretty much on lock down in our apartment on the top floor where we are the only ones occupying, like we have the whole floor to ourselves. The views are not too bad for a city from all around the building either where we have the hills on one side and the sea on the other.  It is not a bad situation to be in a lock down status compared to most and I hope things will lighten up a bit as it seems a wee bit too much for God to test us humans His favorite among creations. 

There are off course the silver linings that can be seen happening around among people in their relationship to one another, like there seem to be more caring and better connections on a more intimate level or so it seems.Although more connections are happening online via video conferences and webcam, people are making an all out effort to stay in touch more so than had there been no pandemic. The streets too are less hectic with traffic and inadvertently the air seems a whole lot cleaner. People in general thus far seem more tolerant and conscientious in dealing with each ther in public areas, thanks to social distancing. There is more charitable activities happening as food and other essentials are being distributed and handed out to those in need. Mosques and temples, churches and viharas are seeing lesser activities than it normally would and thus less ferment of religious sentiments which is advantageous to a multi-religious nation such as Malaysia. In short, people are being woken up to face themselves, to look at themselves closely like staring into the mirror rather than just catching the reflection at a glance. It is t me a good start for a collective inward reflection of who or what we truly are.

If one were to say that this pandemic is nature's way of  striking to maintain a balance in our human existence on this planet, I would tend to agree. Man has over exerted himself in all aspect of his claim of dominion over nature and the rest of sentient beings on this planet; we have become self serving and much worse arrogant about our status as homo sapiens. Man wants to run the show and grab and shape the environment according to his own self serving desires for so long as he sees fit to do so at the expense of the rest of the inhabitant on this planet. This blatant desire for more and better to serve his appetite has been eroding the planet of its resources and energy and is tearing its very fabric in the form of disasters both natural and man made. Hence, on seeing that constant destruction through wars and economic expansion is not abating in its intensity, nature has decided to throw in a stronger detergent to curb the human population from its rampaging disregard for the balance in nature.

Here I would lke to recommend the practice of Kriya Yoga a branch of the yogic practice of the ancients. My choice of lecture given on this subject that I find most straight forward and helpful is one given by Ryan Kurczak entitled "What is Kriya Yoga" (Beyond the hype.) which is available on You Tube. Again my introduction to the word Yoga was through my father while I was at the age of 14 years old and in passing he just dropped the line, "You should learn Yoga." in his broken Malay off course as he was from Sri Lanka originally. I was caught hook line and sinker by his suggestion and so I hate to be bragging like most those who practice Yoga especially its meditative aspect for years to claim my understanding of it. Yoga came to me quite naturally and I never gave it a thought to how or what I was practicing. If i can look back say what was my father's greatest gift to me it would be his passing remark about understanding Yoga when I was 14 years old. From then on I was standing on my head or sitting and staring at the distant horizon of the South China Sea every chance I had. 

As I turned 72 yesterday I came to realize that after all these years i really had not progress one bit in my 'spiritual' practices to be proud of. I hardly have much control over my physical body and much less over my mind even if I keep claiming that I am neither of these. That hese are my vessels, my vehicle, my mode of expressions while living on this plane of existence. I have little or no control of my thoughts as they manifest persistently when I sit to meditate or perform my prayers so much so that I simply gave up praying as a waste of time. Yet I keep affirming to myself that I am the master of my thoguhts and consciousness just as the ancient Gurus had suggested that i do. That I am the master of my body speech and mind ... a master of my space and environment and so so forth, but I find it all just blowing smoke over water, it does not even touch the surface much less dive deep into the depth. However I have opened my mouth and taken the bait and now I am hooked onto this journey of self discovery through Yoga primarily -meditation. If it be any solace to it all I enjoy sitting meditation at any time of the day and anywhere I am at and I am less messed up and angry, chaotic and scvared than I was before as a matter of fact I am at peace with how I am growing old and perhaps may say that I look forward and welcome death at any time. If there be a bucket list to be made I would list as number one that I feel more closely to the Divine Nature in me or better yet merge into the presence of God before I let go of my last breath; to die a Jivan mukti would be my spiritual goal.

"ivanmukti, according to Hindu philosophy, is the state of being spiritually liberated while still alive. The Sanskrit term is derived from the root words, jiva, meaning "life," and mukti, meaning "freedom." Jivanmukti is a state in which one possesses limitless knowledge, free from suffering, and enjoys eternal bliss."

#jivanmukti #kriyayoga #homosapiens #ryankurczak #

    

My weekend in Rome.

 

Morning has broken...

 

I have just lost one of the closest relative I had to COVID19 and the same man had lost his wife, my cousin sister to cancer a month earlier whose funeral I attended despite the COVID - Lock Down. I was on the phone twice talking to my cousin Majid who was hospitalized not too far from where I live but was not able to visit him due to the COVID -SOP. He passed away sometime early in the morning yesterday and I found out about it sometime at noon when I received a call from my sister to inform me of the sad news. My sister lives in Terengganu, on the East Coast and she found out from one of my cousins here who most probably forgot to call me. Small details which i am trying to not t cloud my mind with as I have learned to live with these games of the ego with those who you have to live and respect with. The devil again is in the details, ( I am beginning to like this phrase,)and no matter how I look at it, it hurts to be slighted especially over a significant event such as a death of a loved one. Anyway, its water under the bridge now and as they say, live and learn. I will miss both my cousin and his wife as they were the closest to me especially his wife who grew up under the same roof when we were young. This post is in loving memory of the dear departed and may they rest in peace.

The external phenomena has a direct impact upon my state of mind especially if the event is negative and more so if the event hurts my ego. Yes it is not easy to just dismiss being slighted by those that you hold in high regard and respect, it is like being shoved into a corner by someone who is out to play the lead as it had happened with my eldest brother while growing up as a teenager and now by my eldest of cousins who everyone looks to as being the elder in the family and relatives. If truth be told  have had my doubts about his intentions which is not all that genuinely sincere much less pure, but out of respect and perhaps my own sanity I have bowed and allowed to be led for the sake of my own children whose welfare is intertwine with the rest of their relatives, like it or not. Ironically my two children has grown up avoiding their relatives and cousins too for some odd reasons. It is not spoken of, but I can feel that they do not feel kindred-ship with their cousins as they do with their regular friends. Perhaps it is only me who has been trying to weld the connection between them for my own needs.

Thus one has a good example of how an ego-mind can take a spin on any given episode or event in our everyday life and turn into a cancer case. How an insignificant oversight by someone can give one a migraine while stirring up negative projections like there is a conspiracy going on to hurt one's pride or belittle one's status and it keeps on festering until something new and more traumatic erupts to take its place and the mind latch on to that. This attachment to external stimuli, events and even images is what keeps the mind ever so busy distracted and filled with discord. It is a tough practice to keep a close watch upon the mental reactions one has towards all that transpires in one's life no matter how small or insignificant, however it is imperative that this is done as best one can so as to minimize the influences as well as distractions that they can cause to the mind. Mindfulness and awareness practice is common in the Hinayana school of Buddhism where alongside sitting meditation, there is mindfulness walking meditation and meditation while doing the household chores or working in the garden. These practices helps to keep the mind less distracted and more in the present where the psycho-emotional reaction towards any negative stimuli from the external is less prone to become infectious.

Upon waking up in the morning and entering the kitchen to find a pile of dirty dishes scattered all over the counter can start your day on a wrong footing least to say. However here I find is where mindfulness practice begins. I can moan and groan, curse and swear and still have to do the clean up or I could sing a Cat Steven's song and get into mindfulness practice by transcending the negative emotions and be thankful that there are chores that needs to be done. Especially in these days of the pandemic, I got time on my hand and having a routine to work with is a blessing in disguise. Get the water boiling while doiing the dishes and when the thought of why your adult kids do not know how to rinse their dirty plates before throwing them on the counter with leftovers still in them, just look at them and smile, the dirty dishes as well as your children and ask yourself will they ever learn? Perhaps if they watch you do it often enough, perhaps never till someone or some colleagues or roommates, yell some sense into their consciousness. Any which way, they are too old to listen to what I have to say anymore, and so I sing, 'Morning has Broken," by Yousof Islam or formerly known as Cat Stevens. 

 

 

The Bodhisattva's journey

For as long as I can remember even while growing up in the mangrove swamp of a village known as Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang, I was not the normal kid when compared to the rest of my cousins who grew under the same roof at my grand mother's house or better known in Malay as 'Rumah Nenek', Grnadma's house. I was special in some sense as I was an adopted child to my uncle and aunt who were not married at the time themselves. They were my mother's younger siblings and were given the charge of raising me when my mother had delivered a set of twins and I was the younger of the two boys. This was on the 12th. of August of 1949 and the midwife who delivered us was my eldest auntie who was one of the only two midwives in the whole of the village. My aunt had just delivered her own son a week earlier and was still in recovery herself. I had learned allot about my early life as a child from her in later years as I had spent allot of time with her in my young adult life giving her rides on my motor cycle when she was called to deliver a child. She had painted the picture of the day I came into this world along with my brother who was delivered half an hour before me. I will never forget how she told me that I almost did not make it because she was not aware that she was delivering a set of twins.

"Your coming into this world was not a happy occasion for you and for your family. Your mother had resisted from having any more children and for her to discover that she had a twins was too much. You were an unwanted child and you were given up for adoption because your parents simply could not afford to have an extra mouth to feed." She told me this when I was in my early twenties and was turned away from visiting my then girl friend who was sick in bed at her home. Not only was I dismissed at the door but was also told not to see her ever again as I was not good enough for her and of a questionable background, (of race). I was shattered as I had known my first love for almost 15 years then and I thought we were made for each other. I went home and told my aunt of the incident and after telling me of my unfortunate childhood, she told me to let her go and live my life free from the attachment. I did, I met an American and married her six months later.

As much as I keep telling myself to stop looking back to my past, I cannot help it as I find my past is as important as my present and as my future would be. As much as I want to accept the admonition from the great minds of today to 'be in the here and now', this is where it all is, that past is dead and gone, I cannot do so for the past is like a hungry ghost that still haunts me demanding to be reconciled and fully accepted and assimilated  before i can move on. It is not that I am proud of my past, far from it, my past is as dark and blemished so much so that I believe if my heart were to be dissected it would be found to be as dark as a lump of coal. Hence why I keep saying that my only prayer is to ask for the Lord's forgiveness, Astarghfirullah al Azim, However having chosen to share this journey of a lifetime as a way to understand the inner and outer workings of a mind for the benefit of those who happen to read this blog, I feel that I have to be as close to the truth as I can without incriminating or smearing the names of  others who was and still is involved in my life. I have been trying to cleanse my soul in the best way I know how, it is an effort of purification of the heart in order to remove the layers of dirt and grime that I have accumulated throughout my time and along the way as I head towards the final destination; still, in my final moments I would like to have a glimpse of why I was alive in the first place.

To be alive to me it means to to be fully conscious and aware of every cause and effects that I have incurred and to be fully cognizant of the implications and consequences that I have to reap from what I have sewn. I have to 'untangle the tangles' as the Buddha is said to have said as there is no one that can do it for me. This is the cross that I have to bear on my back as I drag myself up the mount to be crucified as The Christ had done only I do it to save my own soul even if the intention of sharing this journey is to save others too who happen to read this post. It is a small effort on my part but I share my life's trials and tribulations so as to become enlightened myself while with all sincerity to nudge others too towards the awakening experience; this is the journey of a Bodhisattva.

#astarghfirullah #thechrist #buddha #boddhisattva #