The scholar studies the World -The Buddha studies Himself.

Hence you are never there, never getting to the end, never anywhere near the truth of what or who it is that your true nature be and you keep running back and forth getting nowhere simply because of all the little things that stands in you path and keeps stumbling you when you think you got it. You keep loosing your faith in all that ou have come to understand or believe in and you keep getting further and further into the darkness of your own self inflicted ignorance through laziness and sometimes a sense of despair. You hold no more strength and confidence in who you are or what you hold yourself to be and you grope in the dark looking for justifications for very existence till up to this moment in time and space; just when you thought you got it all together. What a waste of time and space that you have occupied all these years grooming yourself to become that which your mind had figured that you should be, and you say to yourself fuck it, ignorance is bliss.
Such Is! To be free from the cycle of life, death and rebirth it not something that can happen overnight and chances are it can never happen, not in this lifetime, not until you can stop all these ramblings of the addictive mind that is caught in itself thinking and never able to cease from thinking. This mind that I have identified from the moment it was able to formulate a thought in my entire life till now is my Karmic prison, it is my hell in this life and i am trapped in its incessant never ending floods of activities just as this act of making this Blog entry has proven to be. Having being able to give up most of my lifelong addictions in all its shapes and forms and having been able to come to identify a few of the main causes of my weaknesses and trials and tribulations, I am still stuck in this rut of not knowing who I am and what i am here for. Why am i born in the  first place? Like Christ, I carry this cross on my back and like the wandering Jew, I am cursed to forever seek ways and means to occupy my mind in the effort to not loose my sanity until i finally am freed to die.
The death of my ego is the next level that i see as what i just have to bring about in order that i can lay down all these baggage that i have been carrying in its name. How do i commit an egoic suicide? How do i become free from my own ego consciously and be able to accept my life as it is with no qualms for better or for worse whatsoever. Through having just experienced such excruciating pain that had laid me down helpless for more than a month now with my lower back ache, I have come to accept my fragility, how helpless i can become and ow I need others to survive my day to day existence. It has been a humbling experience just after having spent two months doing my routine of walking exercises just about every early in the morning before the crack of dawn and just after having spent a week in the jungle traversing in the rivers and forest where the wild animals roam, I came home to find myself laid flat on my back with so much pain that i could not get out of bed to pee and had to do it in a bottle and have someone remove it for me. Now i am here sitting in the wee early morning hours of the day,(3:03 AM) and still thumping away my thoughts on to my Blog not knowing what I am hoping for.
Financially I am a disaster. No matter how much or how hard i have tried to practice all that has been exposed to me in the art of making more or earning more or attracting more to myself, money eludes me like a plague. It is a curse like I am not deserving for i have 'squandered my existence for a pocket full or marbles...' and now i am at the mercy of becoming the very thing that i abhor; Poverty. My debt to others is beginning to grow in the form of car maintenance, rent and food, the simple necessities of life. How ironic that I ask for little in my life and that is exactly what i am given, perhaps i should have been greedy and aimed for more like i used to at some earlier points in my life. But a little too late to regret or make a U-turn for I have crossed over the hump in the bridge of my life and from henceforth the road is downwards towards the bottom. As it is now i sit and enjoy watching others as they become successful in their own rights; I am done for.
My battle yet to be won is within me. It has always been there will keep on being there till i come to accept my own defeat or become the conqueror once and for all and liberate my 'self' from all that is causing the conflicts and turmoils, the doubts and the despair; overcome once and for all the cause of my suffering! This will be my cause henceforth till I give up my spirit when the time comes for me to do so. I hope never to die in ignorance, I pray that i die knowing my cause and learning of my own true nature in the scheme of life itself in this universe as this entry and this time and moment testifies to itself. I may die in poverty and humiliation physically but I pray that by the Grace of my Maker that I will unburden myself of my cross and become enlightened. I pray that my departure will not be all a waste of time and space that has been my moments in this life from the day I was conceived.
I am eternally grateful having lived my life the way I had for better or worse. Having tasted the best and worse that it has to offer and having been able to turn the negative into positive the destructive into creative and be able to share my adventures with many via my blogging and the opportunities that the Internet has to offer. The Divine Spirit has be gracious to me in more ways than I can imagine, those moments and circumstances that i was aware of and those that I never did and for this i am eternally grateful to my Lord for without His mercy and Compassion i would never have been able to awaken myself from my darkness of sleep and ignorance. The moments when i was able to touch His feet in humility begging to be saved were rare and few but when they did happen I exposed  myself without any reservations surrendering completely like any broken spirit would in the hope for His infinite Mercy and Intervention and for these rare moments i feel I am being Graced to be able to see the Light at the end of this the tunnel that I am in. Allah-hu-Akhbar, indeed God Is Great!