Living life without conflict.

I  have run out of things to write about, well things that really worth writing about that is and so i will just ramble on the things that comes to my mind just for the sake of letting my mind has its share of expression and see where it leads. It is in writing that i find comfort from feeling unproductive and lackadaisical at present. I have been going through a whole lot of nothing which spells out for me as living without any sense of intention or motive and hence not accomplishing much in the the fiscal sense either. I feel inept sometimes and in short bored to hell with a sense of low self esteem', it is all just feelings off course and i know this too will pass..
I am my own self critic and the worse kind and there is really no reason for it other than being guilt ridden of one form or another which is really how my mind works, a mind that seems to grow more and more despondent each day. But I have trodden this path many a times along my way over the years and it is nothing new but the only twist, if there is any these days is that i am still experimenting with the so called practice I have imposed upon myself ever since i decided to put my body and soul on the dissecting table and see what gives. It is a mind game of justificating one's ineptitude and lack of energy to forge on with whatever life has to throw on the doorsteps of my consciousness. See how i ramble and has gotten good at it.
No doubt this undertaking of writing my blog has become a diary in form and in more that one ways it has helped for me to gauge my path, my ups and downs over the years. It may make for good reading to some but overall it is still one long tedious form of expressing nothing that anyone else is not going through and most much better at handling the situations better than i have been. I could have chosen to be financially well off or independently wealthy just like my twin or my cousins but i chose to become a hobo running after dreams and making believe I am living the life of a spiritual seeker when i am not in actuality.Even in this pursuit I am flip flopping between doubts and having a strong faith in who I am. My mind I cannot even begin to digest after all these years, it seems to have a mind  of its own more and more so and my thoughts have become so infested with nonsense that nothing seems to make sense anymore the more i think about it.
yes i am living in my own self manifested delusions wasting my time and energy even as my feet are getting closer and closer to the hole in the ground where i hope to find some rest, God willing.
A question was raised in one of my readings perhaps it as was in one of Alan Watts's works, "What is the most elusive thing in life?" and the answer was, "The self'. Like back to square one, "who am i?" of "What am I?" "How far or how near am I?" The answers to these questions lies in parts and pieces among the thousand odd entries i have been loading into this Blogging. Sometimes i felt like I have hit it right on the nail and sometimes i feel like i am drifting so far away from the truth that i am drowning in my own self seeking answers.I feel like i am walking in circles but never getting there and where is there, i still have not a clue Some say that perhaps I am asking the wrong questions while others say that i am dwelling in self delusions and most of them are right in one way or another but the truth of the matter is, I am still who I am from day one, the day I started to ask the question. I have stumbled and fall many a times along the way and made so many errors and regrets that i can fill the entire history of my being with sob stories and yet sometimes i make the right moves and picked on the right choices and came up with some winners that uplifted my being to keep me feeling alive.
Where do I go from here/ I have asked this often enough in my life and I am far from finding the right path towards my salvation, for my liberation, my freedom from the bonds of ignorance and defeat and I am left with this sense of uselessness not knowing where I should or could go to for answers. Oh yes i can keep on rambling and perhaps it would still make for good reading for lack of better things to do but at the end of the day what good does it do when i cannot turn around and look back and say, yes I have done something good, I am close to being who i am or that my existence is meaningful if not for myself , for others.

" We have made life into a hideous thing, Life has become a battle, which is an obvious fact, Constant fight, fight, fight and we have divorced that living from death, we have separated, death is horrible, something to be frightened about, and to us this living which is misery, we accept, if we didn't accept this existence as misery then life and death have the same movement, like Love, death and living are one. One must totally die to find what life is and to go into the question of what is death, what lies beyond death, whether there is reincarnation or resurrection and all that becomes rather meaningless, if you do not know how to live.If human being knows how to live without conflict then death has quite a different meaning."
J. Krishnamurti on 'Living without Conflict' via You Tube.