Dire Straits -Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty." Christian Science Hymna

There are days when you wish that you can will yourself out of existence, not because you cannot hack the pressures but simply because it is really at the end of the day not worth all the troubles that you have endured and still getting worse, No doubt what i have anticipated or feared would happen is happening ; money! Money is not everything in life but everything in life seems to hinge on having it. Family, relatives and friends drift as far from one as they possibly could when you have no money and worse as yet you become the target of criticism and frowned upon by those who have been waiting for the moment when you are most vulnerable to pass their judgement. I am now in dire straits and stuck in between the devil and the deep; my bad!
The hammer that fell on me came from my daughter who is now back in school in Cyberjaya still in need of money to live on. Our chat via face book was not most painful for me as i read the things she wrote as though venting out her frustrations on me for having been a poor example of a father who is neglecting his responsibility towards his children's welfare. I felt helpless and at the same time  disappointed for the one person I thought I could share my feelings with has turned around to chew my head off  as though I had done nothing worthy of respect anymore. My bad! Only my son Karim is left still looking up to me being there for him with no complains and that is his nature for I have never heard a word of it from in his entire life hard as it may have been for him the past. However now he has graduated from flipping burgers to working in the kitchen at Gala House of which I I see as a good prospect of survival through experience.
I was once accused of spoiling my children by letting them have whatever they wanted, how ironic, for now I am guilty of not letting them have what they need;money! Not pride not freedom not good virtues but, money! In this sense my life, my experiment is a failure and as i declared to my daughter with apologies, i am  a looser with the hope that i can pacify her as she had just broken up with her boyfriend. If anyone had been following my writings it might have shed some light over where i am coming from and why I lead my life as I see fit. To me money has caused allot of grief other than the fact that it sometimes buy happiness. I have purposely given up making much effort to earn a living or work for anyone simply because i wanted to prove to myself that being without money does not mean the end of life or that one has to succumb to being the underdog or the needy. Work is relative and sometimes I know i am working for nothing in the hope that by some divine perception I will be compensated for my undeclared work, like no time cards and no salaries but the job is done. This is not viable, not in this dog eat dog lifetime. One has to earn a wage no mater what and it has to be in the form of me paying you and you working for me; my ignorance.
I have only lived where I am for the benefit of my children's welfare, at least until they are free from my care and survive on their own. This is my grand parents home and it is my birth right to live in it as much as anyone else who is related like my cousins whose mother an adopted child this house was given to. I am not and will never contest this in court or even raise it as a protest but it is a fact of life that and my family has the right to this house as much as they are at least by the "syariah laws of Islam. But who is questioning the laws these days where money is involved. I am writing it so as to explain to my own children that they too have every right to be here without feeling like they are imposing. his house where I am at was like a welfare home where anyone who was in need came off the street to take shelter in when my Untie was alive, today i think I am the first required to pay the rent. Money! How blind we become.
My own sisters and brother has long given up on me, perhaps rightfully so, as i have been estranged from them far too long to make a comeback. I am egotistical, I am stubborn, I have an explosive nature, i am this or that you name it am it by their books; perhaps this too I am guilty of. The fact that I have tended and cared for their husbands and children in times of need till they die a few of them was just simply forgotten. I am the villain who and the pariah who should be avoided at all cost by my well to do and successful nephews and nieces who shunned me every time we meet. I am the good for nothing bum of the family; perhaps I am.
So what is there left to ramble about if it all comes to nothing? What is there to aim for if what you have set out to create falls short if not to pieces? Find a hole and creep in to fall into eternal sleep? That was my plan actually but only mt plan if there ever was a plan in my life was to retreat into the forest when all my responsibilities were taken care of for being in this immediate environment among my so called relatives and friends is last on my mind as it has always been. As i said if it were not for my son and daughter growing up and in need of such a place where they would get support in times of need at least emotional and psychological if not spiritual, I would have disappeared a long time ago. Sadly my daughter thought I am attached to the place itself.
I am alive toady because i have this physical form to cater to and for so long as I breath from within I am here and with it along comes my responsibilities. Otherwise if there is anyway I can step out of this game and walk away without incriminating myself towards the higher orders of the Universe I would have gladly left and this is exactly how i feel about being in this house of my grandmother's. I know i am not welcome here in the very first place, but I have to make do with what i can so as till my children are free to fend for their own.

"THANK YOU FOR ALL THE MONEY I'VE BEEN GIVEN THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

Did you always have food to eat?

Did you live in a home?

Did you receive an education over many years?

How did you travel to school each day? Did you have schoolbooks, school lunches, and all the things you needed for school?

Did you go on any vacations when you were a child?

What were the most exciting birthday gifts you received when you were a child?

Did you have a bike, toys, or a pet?

Did you have clothes as you grew so quickly from one size to the next?

Did you go to the movies, play sports, learn a musical instrument, or pursue a hobby?

Did you go to the doctor and take medicine when you were not well?

Did you go to the dentist?

Did you have essential items that you used every day, like your toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, and shampoo?

Did you travel in a car?

Did you watch television, make phone calls, use lights, electricity, and water?

All of these things cost money, and you received them all - at no charge!" 
If the divine had anything to offer me as a guide this came in my email today it is from "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrne for which I subscribe.  I call it Grace.
My daughter declared in our chat that she has never read my blogs anymore"for years now.", so why bother? Who am I kidding? Who am i writing this whole garbage for? I do not make a cent out of it and have wasted enough time to earned a good living had i focused on making money instead. Then again for what? So my kids can turn around and kick me in my arse when I come out short?
For those who have passed any form of judgement against me, know me first and then look at yourselves and see if you fingers pointing if not your perception of who you think I am is accurate: lest ye be judged!
" The Lord's greatest gift to man is the beggar at his door'" -The Prophet (of Allah).