Life is an experiment-

Dropped off Marissa at the bus terminal in Sungai Nibong where she boarded the doubledecker headed for Putra Jaya.to finsh her diploma studies. It is sad to realize that she is doing something she does not enjoy and has no heart put into it, my bad, perhaps for not allowing her to take fashion design. Oh well it is much easier to blame myself when things do not work out for others, I am beginning to find out more lately and this is alright too as it does not hurt me much to bear the blame less so than having to argue it out on whose fault mistake it is. With her and Timo out of the picture for now i am back to figuring out how to leave myself and head for the hills.It is not that i do not enjoy living on this island among all my family and friends as it is, but i feel driven from within to seek a more quiet and remote life where i can work my body out and sit and contemplate life in between. My journey within is growing more stronger by the day as I am experiencing the side effects of meditation and detachment; it gets much more intense when in the city so much so that sometimes i feel like my mind is racing non stop from one thing to the next without any pause.Every event, every phenomena, every faces i look at generates a line of thoughts sometimes simply meaningless and a waste of energy.

I have been trying to generate my energy into creativity by getting back into working on my unfinished art works but i find it not as productive like it used to be. The pull to walk away from it all and surrender myself to the unknown while i still can make it happen is stronger than most of what is presently occupying my mind. Some people calls it escapism, not facing up to reality as it is in front of me or avoiding my responsibilities towards what needs to be done on the day to day affairs. But i feel more like at my age I need to break away from this kind of self imposed sense of responsibility, the need to  fulfill some unwritten agenda so as to justify one's existence for the benefit of others, people in my life or the community.I am committed to the well being of my children and has been my primary concern even now when all of them are of the adult age pass my care or responsibility. But there is the urge within for me to pursue my spiritual and mindfulness practice, something that I had set in motion years ago while in college in the USA. Somewhere , sometime in the past I have set in motion a practice that has become a part of me that today has become an urgent need like an addiction.

My attachments to the form of addictions throughout my life has taken many from drinking and drugs, primarily ganja or marijuana and needless to say my addiction to women tops it all. So i carry a llot of extra baggage like deep rooted Karmas, which has had negative impact in my past and perhaps more so now as i get older, in my present life. I feel like "I am sitting in limbo lie a bird without a song." The more I get deeper into my mind the more i find myself floating on the surface of  existence, like a cloud on an empty sky, now here and now no more. I feel like i have lost my anchor or dragging it along the seabed not being able to catch on to any permanent anchorage.As a Buddhist I would say I have lost my Dharma position, that from which I stand and apply myself as a human being. Perhaps I am still justifying for what i cannot convince even to myself the fact that I have no sens of direction or any concrete goal in my life like everyone else.
Hence this is who I am as it is, for better or worse i have to venture on and face the world as it is, my own way and in my own time, experimenting with life as I go along from moment to moment without totally giving in to any form of identification or measurement, with no attachment to or clinging on to any standards or style that is the norm. I am a drifter, and being attached to any single place or person, any single idea or plan is not healthy for the likes of me; I am like the bee that flies all over the garden mindlessly from one flower to another and in the process helps to pollinate and serve my kind in propagating life. At the end of the day I return with what i have accumulated and share it with the rest of the residents in the hive. This is how i feel i am serving humanity, by gathering knowledge and experiences about getting to know who or what I am and sharing my findings through this blogging.
LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT and I am the observed and the observer.