What was 2013 like for me?

Here I am about to celebrate the New Year out here almost in the middle of nowhere, a place i am scared to drive in and out of every time i wish to make an entry in my Blog. Yes last year at about this time i was sitting among my son's friends up on the 34th. floor of the Millennium Tower of in Dubai awaiting the fireworks that was done from the Burj Khalifa, the tallest tower in the world.

Here I am watching a man build a bamboo bridge across the river so he and his wife can go back and forth to work on their land clearing it for rubber.

Here i am staring at a bug that is said if it stings you it is like being bitten by a cobra, at least it can cause a paralysis if not death.

Here I am in my corner of the Universe seeing the world around as though it was for the first time in my life. So how was the year 2013 for me? It was a year that set my mind wondering if it all is worth it doing what I am doing with my life. The year that has just passed me by was one of the most wasted time in my life where very little happened and what did was mostly in dealing with my relationship with those around me, trying to find some form of justification as to why I am the way I am.

As I always has been, I felt like I was looking in from the periphery of my vision as others went about their business or busyness, as they went about making their living one way or another. I survived yet another year where i have found and daughter in law and lost a son. It has been a year where I have lost the woman who had raised me since birth as her adopted son, my auntie Ma'Cik Noni. It has been a year where my heart has been clouded by lack of understanding of who I am.

It has been a year of back to the basics such as back to the 'Broom Principle', like when in doubt rake the leaves in the forest, the leaves will keep on falling no matter how much you sweep. A gust of wind and the ground is as though it has never been swept. This is how life is I find, that there will always be vexations, there will always be self doubts and there will always be a time to retreat, and this is my retreat from what the year had to offer.. 

The year 2013 was a year that asked of me many questions as a father, a brother and a man, Do I really know what the hell that I am doing? Will these be all that I will leave behind me where i go? Have I missed the boat somewhere that could have sailed me across the ocean of this Samsaric life. Never have i felt self doubt more than I have been through the past year.