In Memory of My Wife

                                                    Nancy Buss Bahari @ Nursymila Binti Abdullah
                                                   

Born and raised in Illinois and buried there too.

I met my late wife while i was visiting my friend David Carlson who was living along with six others including Nancy in an old Victorian building on the corner of Haight and Octavia we called 191 Haight Street.  It was not love at first sight or anything like that, we had to work at it before we could end up getting married and this too was because my son Karim was due ten days after the wedding. We were married in a most beautiful ceremony held at Green Gulch Farm/Zen Center with all my friends from my work at H&H Ship Services and Nancy's colleagues from the University Berkeley Extension and many from the Zen center itself that filled up the Zendo or Meditation hall. It was a Buddhist wedding ceremony.

I never felt happier in my life, a man who was on the verge of  giving up with no sense of direction in life was then about to receive both a wife and a child. Both of us had our shortcomings in life and it would not be kosher to tell it all without betraying each other's secrets and confidences especially now that she is no more, but our marriage might have saved both our souls and gave both of us some respite from the tumultuous lives that both of us had experienced especially in relationships with the opposite sex. I remember asking her to marry me while we were standing along the the water's edge at Muir Beach where the Pacific Ocean meets the shores of Tamalpaes Mountains. All these while before then she had been reluctant due to her past unhappy experiences with the men in her life. I made a promise that I would take care of her and the child no matter what or how and finally she agreed.
When Karim was born Nancy lit up in beauty as a mother, like something within her just broke out and bloomed into life. I felt even before I married her that she needed to have a child more than a husband.
I will miss my wife till I am able to join her again wherever that may be in a Muslim or a Christian heaven that will be up to the Lord after all the faults and transgressions we have had to get to where we were i am sure we will have a whole lot to answer for in the end and I pray that the Lord will truly be merciful to both of us and bless our children. We did what we could we salvaged our lives and turned it into something worth reflecting. Nancy was one of the the most loved teachers wherever she taught albeit in America, Japan or Malaysia. She held a Master's Degree in Linguistics Studies and a certified Japanese language Instructor. She graduated from the University of Southern Illinois. One of her favorite pastime was being a member of the Shintaido Club a form of Japanese martial arts cum movement healing practices that is still big in San Francisco and in Japan. Nancy had spent a total number of ten years in Japan teaching English as a Second Language. later when we moved to Malaysia she taught at Kolej Ugama Sulatan Zainal Abidin, (KUSZA) in Kuala Terengganu. It was here that she fell ill and later diagnosed as a form of Rapid Dementia or Alzheimer's. Upon her mother's request I sent her home to Illinois with my two children where she was taken care of by the doctors there and later put into a nursing home. I was not able to go with my family on account of the visas problems my not being an American citizen, (something i curse the American Consulate here in Malaysia for their lack of mercy not to mention consideration.) My two children aged ten and eleven had to accompany their sick mother on the plane all the way to the United States. Because I was not there with them my children had to return to Malaysia because my mother in law was not able to look after all three at the same time. This is from a lady whose husband stands tall in the eyes of her church going bible tossing community, so much for christian charity. Oh yes i have a brother in law too who was not married then and has no children but has his dick buried most probably in the bar to bother with petty problems like handling two children going through a traumatic time of their lives. Helliluyeahh! Pack em and send em home to where they came from! Then send em letters to ask how they are doing grandma! If their grandfather had been alive my children would still be in Illinois perhaps attending the same church he was. Fate would have it that my children were meant to grow up knowing Islam instead for whatever good it does them as they know how it was when their mother was sick none, not a single Muslim relatives of mine or her friends and colleagues at the College even came by to ask how she was doing. This was a person who converted to Islam for God's sake! One day while visiting my twin brother's wife on a hari raya occasion she asked me how my wife was doing, I told her my wife passed away about four months ago. I highly doubt that both her and her daughter's surprised looks were faked.
Today I am faced with having to pay RM5000 in income tax for my late wife! Now I am stuck with having to deal with the tax office after my experiences with the immigration and the registration and education departments, I cannot say I look forward to it. I went to the Tax office her in Penang and was told i have to go back to Terengganu to get all the files there and so it begins, the paper trail. In this age of Internet and such? Why did it take for so long for them to even realize that my wife is dead! That she was laid off due to illness in 2004 four years earlier? And this is not some small mom and pop dime store she worked for but an established institution. Why was her taxes not withheld when she was working or was it? Why do i after all these years have to bear the consequences like i am rich enough to cough out RM5000 because some dickhead did not do their job properly' like informing the tax office that she was no more in their employment or that she even passed away. By then they would have been able to asses what she owed and why?
Oh well no sense in banging my head against some mad bugger's wall, it bad joss, bad karma for bringing my family to this country. If there is ever a bad mistake i made it was to believe that bringing my family to Malaysia was going to be bright for us and for this I bow and apologize to my late wife and both my children. I had the idea that by converting them into Islam I would redeem myself and them in the eyes of my family and friends here but I was seriously wrong; hopefully i redeemed myself in the eyes of my Lord. I have done my best to make it in the most productive way out of my life for my children and for my late wife as I had promised her that I would make sure to care for them when she is no more around and the saddest moment in my life ever was watching my wife looking at me with tears in her eyes as she walked along the line towards the gate for he flight. I cursed everything I held to be holy and good for allowing this to happen to my family and I still curse the damn American Consulate for not allowing me to accompany her and my children on the flight.
May my wife find peace wherever she ends up in and may i join her when I am good and ready.