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This is one of the most sensitive issue that I feel when I write my feelings about it I and making confessions, asking for forgiveness, trying to justify and reconcile; bottom line is I love and respect my twin brother no matter what transpasses between us in this life. A wall between us most of our lives a wall that grew taller and more obstructive and this wall runs very deep within us; only Allah can shatter this wall or veil. We grew up under such circumstance that most of the time we were pitted against one another and never got the opportunity to know one another, but we have lived our lives thus far and not too bad considering our very humble beginnings. We owe it to our eldest for if not for him our lives could have been a whole lot worse but we each made it in our own chosen way as Sinatra sang...I did it My way.....
Whatever i write will always remain as my version of the story and as such it is very much subjective and I would genuinely stand corrected for any issues that i was blind to or ignorant about; the truth sucks sometimes. If I start dragging out more and more skeletons out of my clossets or they threaten to be exposaed into the sunlight, it is my clossets I am spring cleaning, it is my path the i am making more lighter, I am letting go of my burden, my baggage, my Karmas that i ihave been lugging most of these times, old "pain bodies". It is time for another season for trimming my sails and clearing my path toward my Lord, letting go of old stuff and forging new ones...Hijrah!
Change of phase or pace, change in the rythm of my heart beat, change in my spitiual well being change in my habitual attachments, I am making a move to Terengganu. I will relocate myself and see what gives, I need to have a sense of distance from Georgetown to be able to take a good look at the City from wider perspective and look within me at what it does to me spiritually. I will make a spiritual retreat and devote my time towards untangling the knots in my relationships with those i grew up with, my family and and my friends, i need to share their life once more to not forget mine. I need to Sit
I will stop writing for now my Bloggging. I will seek an employment to support myself in Kuala Terenggnau. I will not paint anymore unless I find it most necessary and gurantees my income from it.
Hijrah, change or become stagnant and slip into mediocrity and old age. Not something to brag abotu after all these years of living life as an experimentalist and havinh lived both in the East and the West ; life here on the West Coast is a far cry from that in the East Coast. It is not about better or worse but it is like looking into a mirror and seeing the opposite instead of the simmilarites and the same same goes for every aspects of one's life, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The aches and pains will only be there in different forms and the role one plays hopefully helps to ease the burdens of others as I find the cures and remedies for my weaknesses and ailments.
I am trying to convince myself in the process of writng this entry, still trying to justify the why and not the how yet. Putting the cart before the horse in the process and erecting mental and emotional walls ahead into the future, it is just how the mind works in facing any major change, will i live up to it or will i perish in the process! Such dramas playing back and forth givng it a sense importance, feeding it energy that by right should be put to use int the effort where it matters like start getting the car fixed, like the need for two new tyres in the back and replace the faulty brake drums or start looking for funds to get me there and with some to spare for it will be the monsoon period there if I leave in the near future.
From my short trip to Terengganu a few days ago which lasted three days was a positive vibe as i touched base with my old friends there. They have not changed much but have in their own ways arrived at being more matured and successful in their livlihood. In a sense they need someone who could lead them towrds the next higher level of sorts, like they too are stagnant, run dry of ideas and showing singns of wear and tear and less care. I got the feeling that i am somehow needed to play my role as in the past about a decade ago; i was the motivator, I helped to rattle their cages and rocked their boats. Their doors are always opened for me and this too I felt, like I have truly earned their respect and confidence I have a home if I need one and it may not be under the same roof most of the time but it is what it is, my life.
I would aim for a solo art exhibition somewhere in Kuala Terengganu and hope that through it will make more contacts that could help towards getting my source of income estalished, I am thinking of opening my own art gallery no matter how small some where on Pulau Duyong, like at 'Awi's Yellow House,' to start with. Start an art class at same venue if possible.
All these are just my projections towards what i might accomplish it is what my mind needs to focus on in order that i do not wate my time and end up with being worseoff than where i am at. But it has been pointed to me time and again by various teachers of self help and motivatonal courses to set a blueprint of what my aims are and so i did. This is so the mind has some curds to chew on while in the process of making a convincing argument as to why I am making this Hijrah.
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