Sorry, I need my Ego!.

As one who aspires to become rich an ultimately famous before I kick the bucket I realized this morning upon waking up that i have been down in the dumps despite the minor accomplishments i have acquired along the way in my life. I have been unsure, uncertain and my confidence in myself has run the all time low; Why is this so! Never mind the story of the Sultan and the Sufi master Naseruddin on the ups and downs of life..
Time to look deeper yet into this rise and fall of my consciousness which seems to fall mostly than rise. Ever since I have read Eckhart Tolle's" The Power of Now" and his other book "The New Earth", I have been on a ego bashing trip upon myelf. I have been holding back, bowing, kow towing, bending over backwards, stooping and I have been creating fears of the unknown that wil pounce upon me if i entertain my egoic thoughts and La Di Da! I have become an ordinary coward in the face of hardships and challenges like I am going to loose it all, (not that i have much to anyhow). What is going on? Is this the repercussion of trying to disciminate the ego, that which I have held through thoughts and experiences to be me? That which has faced odds and overcome skirmishes through daring do and no holds barred, that was the me before i stumbled upon Buddha in the form of Tolle or Krishnamurti? Alan Watts, the American Zen master thrived on his ego while he set out to preach Buddhism to the American public and so did the likes of  Richard Baker  and the rest of them.
SO where am I going wrong? Why am I not as happy as i used to be even when I had not a penny in my pocket or a single wealthy friend to take shelter from? Why am i crawling on my belly looking for comfort like to my children wherever they are; never used to care much for such needs and was totally comfortable with it and most of all happy. But now it seems the opposite is manifesting, mentally, physically and spiritually i have never felt at my lowest; the nadir of my life. Text my son in Dubai last night just to hear something uplifting and got no reply, called my daughter in Cyberjaya and got no answer and so i set and meditated blaming my ego for wanting, needing some sort of injection into my well being and still failed, so went downstairs and worked on three water color sketching, it helped to keep my mind from getting the worse of itself and it worked for the duration, but went to sleep at 4 in the morning still feeling lacking.
Woke up late this morning and decided that enough is enough, I am who I am and my ego will have to be left alone for now if not given the boost that is much needed to counter the egoic mind driven nature of the external circumstances that has been trampling all over me in the  recent past; I need to stand tall and face the world that is edging to suck me into the life of mediocrity and insignificance, watching the life, the image that I have build fo myself crumble before at the mercy of bloated egos and shallow minds. So i say to myself, Bahari! Wake up! Stay awake! Do not let them fool you! Wealth, power and knowledge these are all relative, it is in how you dance with their illusions that matters. If I cannot destroy my egoic nature than I might as well become the ultimate Ego, live to the max like I have lived in the past when I was living in the United States, Japan and wherever else that I found myself to be in and survived with flying colors. Why do i return to this country to become a non-entity, insignificant and to be at teh mercy of those who thrive on acting out their egoic natures? NO! I am who I am, right or wrong is a sickness of my mind not a reality that i have to abide by after having survived for sixty odd years.

"My mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier you'll be a general; if you become a monk you'll end up as the Pope.' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. (Pablo Picasso) ."

 Pablo Picasso always reminded me of my grandfather who like Picasso was a Bohemian who lived life fully as an artist travelling the countries leaving a trail of drunkenness and who knows what else only my grandfather died a broken man because he bowed to the will of the society around him, (Muslim dominated): doing the right thing had killed my grandfather's will to live as who he was, a great artist. In essence my father met with the same fate; both men were castrated although my father stuck to having his ways for as long as he could afford it despite living among the mostly devout Muslims in Terenggnau. I am not defending their life styles for what it is worth but I am more concern with what their lives might have been had they followed their instinct for survival as artists instead of settling down and being absorbed into a society that was contrary to their nature through marriage.If I were to live by example I would not repeat what my ancestors had led themselves into i would rather die standing than on my knees. I have seen what dieing on my knees would accomplish through my father and grandfather's lives; both were disinherited in terms of their past and their children chose to adopt into the life styles of those who consider themselves to be above my own ancestry; the Singhalese lineage. My immediate family are still tossing and turning over how to eradicate their bloodlines from my grandfather's and father's side honoring the Malays they married. For thinking the way i do i am being ostracised from the family circle of my immediate kith and kin; Alhamdullilah!
So, here is the ego defending its own demise to the extreme, justifying what is and what not in an effort to stay afloat before making my exit from the mind dominated egoic, Mayavic existence. I feel the oncoming onslaught of suffering in my immediate future no doubt, financially, mentally, physically and spiritually, but i will henceforth trudge along with greater determination to survive as who I am and not what others deem me to be or should be. If my family, relatives and friends choose to disown me, frown upon my ways and belittle my sense of accomplishment, so be it, I have much less to loose or have to give up when it is time to do so; but I have and will live on my own terms and I will die with my own self fulfilled conscience; I will not compromise myself and die a hypocrite. Only Allah will decide my final countdown and to Him will i return to be judged, juried and executed at the 'End of Days'. Till then, I am who I am. My will is His Will, my actions are His and my faith is in Him and He is Great! His is the only Ego greater than mine.