More Justifications.

I feel I have been spilling away as though I am a Rishi or Roshi or something, I am not, i am merely reflecting what goes through my mind and based upon my past experiences and my love of study in the Spiritual side of life has made me susceptible towards becoming just another parrot repeating what others have said and said it well. The question is what i have learned about who I am or what am I? According to all these ancient teachings and religions, I am this or that relative to what I believe in myself. If i am a Muslim I look at life from the perspective of one who believes in the Oneness of God, if I am Christian my faith and belief is in the Christ, The Father, If i am a Buddhst my faith will be in understanding the Buddhadharma, if I am a Hindu, well I can pick my choices as there as many one can attribute one's faith in.
I am entertaining my mind and watching and learning all the time about how my mind functions,(even when I take a crap). Perhaps i have an over imaginative mind with its creative tendencies to destroy what it creates given the chance to do so, its called, anger. The flip side of creativity is destructiveness and they both coexist in one's inner being; I like to keep an eye the fluctuations between the two positive and negative state so that the highs and the lows stay in good balance. Like in the Yin and Yang cosmic symbol's principle suggests, when there is too much fun, shit happens! When there is too much shit, fun (things) happens. I agree, it is very poor use of the Cosmic Symbol as an imagery, sounds good though!
My original intention has always been 'Self discovery' using the common term for it. I believe I have what the Buddhists would call .deep rooted karmas, those past negative actions that were significantly heave in nature, whether psychological, emotional or spiritual; I am a splintered soul. I seek to become whole, to know who I am and what is the meaning to my existence. Through the years of my semi- insane lifestyle, I made small progress towards seeing what is for what it is not. I became more and more absorbed into being an observer, a chronicler of life, one who looks in from the fringe of life; I felt like i have at one point in my life 'stepped out of my preconceived self into my present self, but still a thought created self
Is mind created self that is me typing this down or is it yet another observer watching from further behind making the move to record what transpires as the mind expresses itself, is this me? Is this who I am? When someone ask me casually , hey what's up Sam? I would mumble o myself like, just waiting to die..." It came quite  naturally out of me but not is a serious note. What i would mean in those days was I need to move on, change, Hijrah, evolve of die: I chose evolution. Sometime back in my blog I must have told the time and experience I had in Central City Colorado maybe in 1979-80. This was where i had a vivid dream about being an 'Ecclectic." I woke up and wrote down the word spelling it a close as i could to how it sounded in the my dream. Later on reading a rare, "Book of Secrets" (which was published only 87 copies in all) I discovered the meaning of Eclecticism.: I am an eclectic. I pick and chose the best in all possibilities negative or positive and boils it all down to what has it got to offer that is worth keeping.
Having lived for 21 years  of my life in the United States, I went round the bend where my thoughts and consciousness were laid bare from who i was before and what I became after.I think more like an American than a Malaysian, I have made my life a study instead of living it, I am experimenting with my life like Mr. Ghandi. I take it back, not true really, as i lived my life like an American too and that, not too many Malaysians can sing about as most went overseas to study, I was there to live life to the fullest...and Yes, I did it My way>>.
Yes, at times I do write a whole lot of nonsense, but the non sense too is a part and parcel of who I think I am. It is only in the silence in between the previous state to the next is where I am at, that is the space that paused to think what to say next, that silence is where it all originates from and the fingers jsut keeps on typing. I am not a Guru or even a wise man, but I am one who seeks to become who he truly is, what is my Buddha nature? What am I before my parents conceived of me? These are not my personal questions but the questions asked by those of the past, Great Rishis and Roshis, the Mahatmas and Saints, the sheikhs and Maulanas and is still being asked by the likes of me.
We are all ships passing in the night, seeking shelter from the storms, when we meet let us rejoice and celebrate each other's triumphs and success in having survived what life has to offer and if and when we can afford to let us return to life what we have taken from it in the form of servitude: I am Ram Dass, I am the servant of God. This is why I do art, entertain children with my art and teach a thing or two through my being an Artist. Some enjoy my stories, some my artworks and I enjoy along with them.