This frdiay Morning during the Month of Ramadan.

 Bismillah ar Rahman ar Rahim, in the Name of the All-Merciful and Compassionate, Lord of the Worlds and the Hereafter. It's Friday morning and all is well InshaAllah. The fasting month is almost halfway through and as in the past, I have been through a few challenges that have shaken my resolve spiritually but I have been able to steer my way toward a better understanding and acceptance of what has been thrown my way in the form tests of my patience and resilience; praise be to the Al-Mighty. My faith is still full of doubts and confusion but I am beginning to feel the Love of my Lord within me and it has been getting more pronounced than I have ever felt before, I have woke up from my sleep uttering, "I Love You, Ya Allah," almost spontaneously without hesitation or thought and it pleasantly surprised me. I have yet a long way from becoming fully absorbed in His Love and Compassion but I know I am on my way toward being accepted as His humble servant, one who has a lot to atone for in this life. My doubts are beginning to fade away one after another as I am being nudged toward the direction of  'Tauhid',

"Tawhid means believing in Allah Alone as God and Lord and attributing to Him Aِlone all the attributes of Lordship and divinity. Tawhid is divided into three categories; namely, Tawhid al-Rububiyyah (Oneness of Divine Lordship), Tawhid al-Uluhiyyah (Oneness of Divinity), and Tawheed al-Asma wa’l-Sifat (Oneness of the Divine Names and Attributes)."

For most of my life, I have placed my faith in Allah s,w,t  Mercy. Still, my ego has stood in the way of fully accepting what it entails primarily due to the anger that I have held within me for my past trials and tribulations, most of which I have time and again discussed in this journal. Perhaps I have held on to this excuse much too much and it is time to seriously debunk this baggage that I have been carrying on my back and move forward with freedom and clarity. My past has become irrelevant and an unnecessary baggage holding me down from making a complete and pure commitment towards the worship of my Lord. Now I am no more harassed by such thoughts as a loser or one who is incorrigible and beyond redemption, I am now feeling my true self worth, I am more than I have taken myself to be, I am Allah's chosen one. I am no better or worse than the next Muslim but I am more awakened than I have ever been in my life and if by His Will I should die this morning, I am fully content to have such a realization. It is not because I fear His retribution in the afterlife, it is because I feel His Love for me despite all my transgression in the past; I feel already forgiven and accepted with no doubt in my heart.

In the past few months, I have consistently listened to many videos, including those by Neville Goddard, Wisdom Woke, and a few others, to keep my mind from sliding back into its old habit of nailing my feet to the floor. This morning I listened for the first time to an Islamic video, the Deen World which as always I happen to stumble upon while searching for what to listen to. I was moved to tears in the silence of the Friday morning as I listened to that are synchronized with what I have been listening to in the past, only now it is all about how Islam deals with life. Now I am on my final track toward liberation as all my quests and searching have led me to this moment of truth and my faith is sealed in Allah s.w.t. I may not be a perfect Muslim as yet but I am a true believer, but I am submitted to my Lord's Will in body, mind and Spirit and let this money be witness to this profession of my soul. Alhamdulillah! Thank You, Lord, for the infinite Mercy and Love for this incorrigible soul. 

For almost my entire life I have asked the question, "Who am I?" Now I am beginning to see the answer, I now see myself as one who has been looking for answers but often missing the truth even as it stands before me. I have been polishing a rock to turn it into a diamond while turning a diamond into a rock due to my blindness and ignorance. I have allowed my Nafs, my ego to lead me hither and thither like a farmer looking for his ox while riding it or a camel dying of thirst while carrying a barrel of water on its back. However, it is all I realize a necessity that I needed to embark upon to arrive at where I am this Friday morning. Insha'Allah, I will as of this moment, keep my faith in Him and step forward as a true Muslim, a servant of Allah s.w.t. forged to serve His will in whatever ways I possibly can. There is no meaning to my life except this servitude to my Maker and in the process continue to heal myself of all my ailments, doubts, and confusion.