I decided to get my ear infection treated and dropped by the clinic yesterday morning. However, I had to make an appointment because the doctor was not in. When the receptionist asked what time I could be there, I told her I was not sure, and this got us into a short argument as I started to lose my temper. Perhaps it was because I was having a bad morning, what with the irritating ear infection and the disappointment of being unable to take care of it then and there and my hunger and thirst from fasting. Later, I felt terrible about my lack of patience and losing my temper, causing a bad morning for someone else who was starting her day at work and who was most probably fasting, too. I still feel disappointed about the whole situation every time I think about it, and I decided that I would attempt to apologize to her this morning when I go the clinic again. At my age, I am still losing control over my anger management when confronting such simple matters. Here I am, professing to work on my character over the years and still not having any control over my interpersonal relationships with others.
I realize that I am 'old' as most people would point out, and being so, it is no mystery that I would react so negatively over such a trivial thing, and no matter the excuses, I ought to have done better than allowing myself to behave in an unruly manner towards a stranger during this Fasting Month; perhaps this was one of those illnesses that I need to understand of myself and let go of. I should be more aware of the fact that life is suffering for most of us, and we can never tell what the other person is facing, assuming that our own problem is more critical and needs to be taken care of there and then. One is never too old to learn a lesson, and I realize that no matter how profoundly one has understood life to be, one will make a slip and revert back to the old poor habit that causes grievences for oneself and others. This is ignorance, as taught by the Buddha, and is one of the causes of suffering. This happens when we drift from the center and allow the external to dictate what happens in a situation. It allows for the ego to become embroiled in a situation where there is no justification for our committing the errors we instigate and the negative impact we bring upon ourselves.
When we act without a sense of awareness or the realization of who we truly are, we allow for our actions to originate from the sense of egocentricity where we feel we are right no matter the circumstances and we will justify to ourselves with all kinds of justifications which in this case the fact that I was an pain or that I was fasting and have migraine headache or being disappointed that my ear problem could not be take care of after having driven to the clinic and so forth. This is how the ego functions, always being demanding and insensitive towards others and their feelings. All the practice of being calm and collected when dealing with everyday life issues suddenly is tossed down the drain, making one feel foolish, if not stupid or ignorant. Whatever happened to' stepping back and taking a deep breath, or not letting the external circumstances take charge of one's emotional energies. It defeats every intention of our practice to heal and foster a compassionate world when we lose our decorum when dealing with others in our everyday life, but it happens, and when it does, what do we learn from it?
Yesterday morning, I visited my ear doctor again. This time, I approached the receptionist and apologized for my unruly behavior the day before. She had a beautiful smile on her face, and I had my ear fixed. Lesson learned and action taken, all good, and it cost me RM230. The reason I had been putting it off getting my ear taken care of was because of the cost that my daughter would have to bear. Such Is!
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