Read at your own peril.

So, just stop caring, however if you have to care, care to know about who you truly are. Take care of number one as they say in the US. You can take it to mean any which way you like for yourself but it simply means to mind your own 'self'. It is imperative that once you have understood of yourself, of who you are, all else is taken care of. Be;ieve it or not that is what i realized a few moment ago and I thought that it is well worth sharing, yes, ironic this is an act of caring in itself, but how else can i see myself other than through making it manifested in words as a thought , an idea that is worth to think about. I am so into caring about the well being of others, what they feel, what they suffer from, the fate of the world, humanity and not the mention the animals and the environment, it can be very taxing and vexing' so, stop caring(without) start caring (within).

How to remove from the influences and distractions that is manifesting every nano second of my physical existence? What with the Internet and You Tube and all the rest of the sources that is promoting these inexhaustible inputs? How do i create a pause? How do I even delete? How do i silence the mind? How do I become absolutely detached from what I am exposed to? It is said that meditation on 'Bare Attention', is one way towards liberating one's mind from being attached to the external phenomena, perhaps there is a way and all it takes is collecting your mind to an attention of just a single thought in this moment. In this very moment in time I stop and ask myself , who am I? and what is all these? I take a deep breath very slowly and hold it for a few seconds (eight or six counts) then i let it out slowly counting eight or six counts and hold it for another similar count and then I le it out...and I keep this on for as long as I am not forcefully distracted from the exercise, like there is an itch in my crotch or someone calls.

Eckhart Tole in one of his talks or perhaps his book, "The Power of Now', mentioned about creating a space of silence in between your thoughts or perhaps your breath and to find in this silence the connection to the whole  of your being-ness. Your original Buddha Nature, your 'Ruh ul kudus'. The longer your pause becomes the closer you get to become connected to your inner being, this is the essence of meditation on breathing is about. In doing Zazen or sitting meditation, one's attention is on the breathing of in and out, there is nothing in between but just silence. When a thought enters the consciousness, it is simply watched without any form of attachment -with bare attention. It is said in the Diamond Sutra of the Sixth Zen Patriach, Hui Neng that thoughts are like clouds in and empty sky, and Zen Master Dogen,, founder of the Soto Zen school was said to have said that thoughts are like clouds, you know not when they will appear or disappear. I know my thoughts are fleeting and yet any single thought can trigger a lengthy discussion if an when it catches my attention; which never fails to happen. The intention is to be aware and not be attached to these rising thoughts, become a witness with bare attention not supporting nor rejecting, no likes or dislikes. Watch how they came into being, how long they stayed and what makes them disappear.

This is one way I have found for myself the nature of caring for others and how to care for myself. How futile it seems all these while that I was thinking so much about the negativity that is burning around me at all levels and dimensions of my existence and not being able to find any meaningful answers. The question pops up in my mind every now and then, "Is this all there is to it?" "Is this," as Ed Brown, the Zen Teacher in San Francisco once I heard said. "The peak of Mystic Mountain?" As a Muslim, if I can even claim myself as one, I accept wholeheartedly that the All Mighty has His plan and His plan includes each and every dimensions of this existence and what we understood as the Universe. Having any lower perception about my life at this moment is same as regressing into the dark and ignorant state of my past. Caring about myself means to fully understand who I am in relationship to the rest of the 'WHOLE'. With this understanding I feel I might be able to find the Love and Peace I seek, the Forgiveness and Compassion that I hold towards all living creature, towards all of nature and towards even my enemies. 

At the age of seventy I still think like a child of seven.

"Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care."  Don't know who said this but it makes sense.

The lesson in New Zealand -Kiwi is not just a fruit.

The aftermath of the new Zealand shooting was counter to what was expected of the killer and those that condone his actions, it created martyrdom out of those who perished. It is to date another historical blemish in the hist ry of man and his faith, his beliefs and his virtues. One man can create such a havoc all in the name of hatred and ideologies and the res of the Nation if not the world is put on halt with a whole lot of spiritual reflections is thrown into the the already dark days of religions. For those who have lost their loved ones it will remain forever a scar that will forever remain as the most brutal times of their lives and for those who are still reeling from unanswered questions as to why or how and what has become of humanity, the incident is yet another addition. 

Through this act of wanton need to kill those that are of a different color of skin, faith or religion, through the need to fulfill a vision of supremacy and gain recognition in the eyes of like beings, many such similar murders and terrorists acts has become a part of our humanity. What had happened was supposed to have brought cheers and condemnation from the supporters of religious violence and those that abhor such acts. It is hoped and prayed for that his incident would hail in a more tolerant and genuine care from the rest of humanity for religious faith. It is only through patience and perseverance and an indomitable desire to end this cycle of terrorism that humanity must come together and say, "Enough is enough!" It is time for humanity to collectively shout it out that violence and terrorism was buried a long time ago in history as a means to problem solving We have migrated from the Dark Ages a few hundred years ago when we claimed ourselves having achieved an age of Renaissance.

It is indeed sadly mystifying that man is bound and determined to repeat the past especially those ho very wealth and fame depends on the misery of others. The sales of armaments is today one of the largest if not the largest industry in the so called advanced countries. War is a lucrative business! Instead of focusing the advancement of technology to better the world today most technologies are catered towards updating weapons of mass destruction and precision  killings. Instead of creating a loving and caring young adults, we create zombie like soldiers whose only mission in life is to follow orders and to seek and destroy; it has become a worldwide game at who is best at killing. If all the money and human resources spent over war were to have been put into use over caring for the Planet humanity would have less desire for a heaven in the after life, heaven is already here. Ironically religious believe and faith would not be an issue in paradise for is sustainable and provided for, but this is not to be and so what is the solution to this dilemma that plagues humanity and not to mention this very Planet itself?




     

Meditation on Awareness.

An eighty odd year old Chinese, Apek ran into my car hind side just as i crossed the curb going through a green light on Penang Road this morning on my way to sending my daughter to work, thank you that no serious damage was done and the old man was all smiles and apologetic. When I asked him why he started going when the light was still green he said he just couldn't see. I can understand his feelings and took his number to contact if he needs some assistance in paying for the damage on his motorcycle: yes shit happens! My daughter later as we drove away said that's what happens when you think negative thoughts and I was earlier while we passed a Colonial bungalow type government building I was told belonged to the UMNO people from way back when, I started off on why the building should become the site for The Penang Malays Art Gallery. and with this i dragged on all along Hutton lane about my poor relationship with uncle Rashid, yada, yada ...and as we drove the lights ...kaboom! Shit happens to the best of us for all our good intentions and purpose.

An 80 year old Apek, old Chinaman woke me up to the present reality ...and my daughter has a lesson in driving, like what do you do, never say you are sorry, never accuse the other party for any wrong doing, but first address the person, "Are you hurt!, the rest will take care of its own. Do not linger around too long as the crowd will grow and you are lost explaining to ten other guys wearing green vests with their walkie talkies blaring around you, you will end up feeling like a criminal and probably say to yourself,"Where is the trafic cop when I need him?" I have had a few serious auto mobile accidents that could have ended my life, the scars left behind ar w whole lot deeper than the physical trauma and I feel sorry for my old Chinaman friend and thankful at the same time for his gift  towards my spiritual growth ...shit happens! You just have to learn to live with it, expect when most unexpected, the unexpected... in short "Be Prepared", as the old Boys Scout Moto reads, be mindful, be awar. 

Astaghfirullah, Forgive me Lord for my transgressions of the past present and future, forgive this lost soul seeking his way home to You.
Alhamdullilah! Thank You Lord, for the Grace and Blessing you have been giving me,  sheltering me from harm and forgiving even the worst moments of my life; You were always there, this is why I am who I am,  my journey in this lifetime is almost over and I am most grateful and thankful for every moment in time and space that I have experienced it was all with Your Blessings; I am your  servant,  and in this moment in time, while it is raining heavily outside, which we most needed and prayed for, I thank you, Alhamdullilah! The sound of thunder heralds this moment as a witness, here I am before You, my Lord,; I am a lost soul, seeking onlly to return to my Maker and it is with hope that my sharing this moments with my readers, is my way of giving back what I have been blessed with or cursed as an ongoing lesson -Zen and the Art of Living, I used to call it at one time or another...Way of the Cheeseburger Buddha.

In the silence between you can hear the rain approaching from one direction like the sound of a train and the then it passes over and the sound into one complete whole it is like yet another thermostat and slowly it pitters away into another completes silence again...listen to the rythm of the falling rain like you miss it so
much and that you are thank ful for it being here. If  you are fully aware you start to see the rythm of the Universe, the ebbs and flows the push and pull; realm of the dual thinking mind. If  one can quiet the mind even for a single moment, you are on the way becoming an enlightened being. Easier said than done especially if you spend half your days watching and listening to You Tube, people like me has a whole lot of accumulated junk on my back and I simply have to delete as much as possible especially the old files that serves no purpose anymore I got to catch up to my housekeeping chore and clean up as much as I can, have a garage sale for unwanted dramas and dreams, so my practice has been to seek that silence in between and try to prolong it as much as I possibly can; it is called meditation on awareness..

Alan Watts - Shooting an arrow into emptiness.

Alan Watts, the Roshi, the Hippie Zen Master who lived on a Houseboat anchored at the Sausalito slit, perhaps still there, The Embarcadero  or something like that. In the annals of the Western Zen . Allan Watts  is up there among the great teachers of religions and life. Very few can tie the knot of knowledge and wisdom between East and West better then Alan Watts among others. D.T. Suzuki and Sunryu Suzuki Roshi, all the rest of the great teachers that came after are merely walking in their footsteps, like the walking dead following a leader, a teaching a way that has suddenly appeared without thorough investigation as to the meaning behind the meaning and the truth that is being shared; all through the years since when I first stumbled upon one or two of his books, "The Way of Zen" and "This is It!," I was hooked I was then working as a librarian  at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay,sometime in 1970-80s. I also found Hokusai and his complete mangga, comic books. IN this one corner way in the back there was a reading corner and it was surrounded with the books by J.Krishnamurti, and Osho, and Huxley and books G.I.Guirdjief.and Ouspenske, Yoga texts and the Bhagavad Gita I found the Tao Te Ching and the Lessons from the "Shirt Wearer of the Tribe." 

The discovery I made in this little corner of the library had launched me out into the world traveling as an Art Student from one country to another for the next few semesters. The rewards may come late or never, but the feeling of knowing this to be true is already the beginning of the awakening of the spirit. My spirit took to its wings and spent the next three years in college just traveling where I felt like; it was called Directed Independent Studies, a pioneer program out of the University of Wisconsin, Madison. I was one of the few chosen to do the program from UWGB at the time. The idea was to help students make it out there and give them an extensive experience on being an Artist on the street. It was almost like a tradition when I return to the University from everyone of my trips, everyone I met at the counter windows and their cubicles, I got a 'Wlecome Back Sam!' where di you go this time? Along the corridors, "Hey Sammy! Welcome back man! Staying for long this time?" I touched many lives and they touched mine and most were out of Love and Compassion. Then shit happens too, so you win some and loose some as they say back in Wisconsin.

"The Way of Zen," was instrumental in my creating the name Cheeseburger Buddha, I was reading the book while eating a cheeseburger at Mc Donald's, while wearing the uniform of J&J Security in the sunny sunny winter's day on the East side of Green Bay. Outside the street was covered with snow, brilliant white piled up against the windows. A small voice whispered in my ear, "You are nothing but a Cheeseburger Buddha." This was in the late 70s and early eighties and I was offered a chance to go to college and I accepted and I walked away with a degree in Fine Arts after five years; I enjoyed school life so much that they said I was becoming a permanent student. I graduated with a cum laude, on a self designed program - The University Without Walls,,,my letter of proposal was entitled, "Art in Quest of the Universality. " I could have called it in Search of the One true Lord of Creation or something similar but it might have hit a religious wall, so I settled for this vague and naive vision. I hated education until I became a student at UWGB, Wisconsin. This was where I met Alan Watts through his works.











 

Tribute to Katagiri $RRoshi -Ho JO San.

I try not to hang around too long in one space or time or even energy, my mind will not allow it and I don't mind it; not even in a state of Samadhi or Satori, not that i have any worth mentioning of late. Change keeps the mind active and alive, renewal and rediscovering of one's inner possibilities and potentials are the things that keeps your spirit alive even if they are all fantasies, to have a challenge in life at every level of your existence, to stay the course and keep on trudging towards that is truth, is ultimate reality and this is who you are, life is truly not worth living. To die not knowing some concrete to the question about life, is life wasted. Life has no purpose, until you give it one. 

"What is you original intention, Shamsul, San?" Katagiri Roshi asked me one day while were having tea together at the San Francisco Zen Center. This was during a seen day Sesshin led by Katagiri Soshi. Before i could answer he continued. " Stick to your orginal mind." I bowed low to him and the meeting was over. 

Jikai Dainin Katagiri (片桐 大忍 Katagiri Dainin, January 19, 1928 – March 1, 1990), also known as Hojo-san Katagiri, was a Sōtō Zen roshi and the founding abbot of Minnesota Zen Meditation Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where he served from 1972 until his death from cancer in 1990. Before becoming first abbot of the Minnesota Zen Meditation Center, Katagiri had worked at the Zenshuji Soto Zen Mission in Los Angeles and had also been of great service to Shunryu Suzuki at the San Francisco Zen Center, particularly from 1969 until Suzuki's death in 1971. Katagiri was important in helping bring Zen Buddhism from Japan to the United States during its formative years—especially to the American Midwest. He is also the credited author of several books compiled from his talks. 

Ho Jo San told me of his former life as a soldier and we swapped stories back an forth like how I grew up from a swamp where mud skippers make their homes beneath your floor...he enjoyed swapping wild stories about both our homes; he was a friend and a teacher .Only a Buddha knows a Buddha, said the Buddha. Two years has been my limit of stating in one place or one relationship, at a time and that ended when I married my late wife Nancy. Before the everything happened in a cycle of two years more or less so I noticed. I could not hold on to a life for more then two years or so it seemed. I may not know what my original mind or intention is but I know that I am here and now making this post entry, in this space and time, I must say I have enjoyed my ride so far despite all the bumps along the way; if anything I would I would have to say, it would still be to know who I truly am, to discover my own Buddha Nature.



 

Turning lead into gold.

And in the Name of the Most Giving and Merciful...Lord of Creation and Lord of the Here and Now...The Cherisher of Life, the Lord of Power that gives strength and energy for my very existence...astarghfilrula, ...Al Ghafur ur Rahim... the Ultimate Forgiver... in Him I put  my faith and unto Him I surrender my will...what keeps me alive and there is none but Allah hu Akhbar...All Praise be unto Him. Every breath I take and every step I make He is with me closer than my own jugular vein, for His Temple is within me, His breath is what keeps me alive and His Will is that which keeps me going in pursuit of a higher and clearer understanding of what this is al about. This life of almost seventy years that has slipped me by what have I learned? What do I know? How far or how near am I to the truth if there such an idea, again at the very least I hope to get to know me better and what are my potentials and how I can exit this life with my mead held high and not succumb to mediocrity.

The words of one of my teachers form the past once said,

“From the age of 6 I had a mania for drawing the shapes of things. When I was 50 I had published a universe of designs. But all I have done before the the age of 70 is not worth bothering with. At 75 I'll have learned something of the pattern of nature, of animals, of plants, of trees, birds, fish and insects. When I am 80 you will see real progress. At 90 I shall have cut my way deeply into the mystery of life itself. At 100, I shall be a marvelous artist. At 110, everything I create; a dot, a line, will jump to life as never before. To all of you who are going to live as long as I do, I promise to keep my word. I am writing this in my old age. I used to call myself Hokusai, but today I sign my self 'The Old Man Mad About Drawing.”
― Hokusai Katsushika  

One of my favorite quotes that I keep referring to every now and then to remind me that being seventy is just the beginning, life begins at seventy they say...who they? Never mind don't need to know. Katsushika Hokusai died in poverty, perhaps just as Van Gogh had. The other man whose life as an artist that most influence me was my grandfather,  a Singhalese Artist from Sri Lanka who came to Penang to do the murals on the walls and ceiling of the Mahindrama Buddhist Temple, it is still all there for tourists to enjoy. This is the same temple that I grew up as a Buddhist for at least a few childhood years of my life. I was converted to Islam at the age of 12 in the East Coast State of Terengganu. For the next twelve years I lived with my parents and siblings, it was my nightmare as well as a blessing  as I was introduced to being a Muslim and embraced Islam. Hence, I have many rivers to cross, as the song said...and I don't know where to begin ...I'm praying for time...

My life could have been a whole lot worse had I given in to what was expected of me from my family relatives and friend and yes most meant well; I had chosen to break away from that which had threatened to bind me into submission without question. I have made it my practice to make as much sense as I could of what had been, what is and what will be. I strongly believe that my efforts are for a reason not just for myself but all those who stumble upon this Blog and take their time to read with and open mind and a true yearning for knowledge if not wisdom; turning lead into gold.

Minding the mind.= Again.

After years of self observations and inner engineering done, I have come to the conclusion that it was all in understanding of the workings of the human mind as I used to refer to it as Humind. For a long time perhaps still I have used humind @yahoo.com and my first Solo Exhibition upon returning to Georgetown was titled HUMIND and it was sponsored by the Muzeum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah at USM. The venue was at the AMRO-Bank on Beach Street; it was the best show I had in Penang thanks to my friend and Mentor, Hasnul Jamal Saidon who was then the Director of the Gallery,(MGTF). This is how my mind works if /when i write, not all the time but more now than ever before; my mind is an enigma. The laws of probabilities, the laws of possibillities, causalities and  karma itself is of no consequence  where my mind is concern, it simply is obnoxious. 

I am not my mind, my mind is my tool, my instrument my gauge among other things for my existence on this plane, as a human being, a member of the human species, the Homosappien; my mind is that which creates and destroys and preserving of life at the same time, my Matrix. My mind is not me, I am the master of my thoughts and consciousness, it is my birth right to be who or what I choose to be. I do not need a permission to be who I am, I place no man above or below me in status but i reserve my freedom to choose as i see fit in being who I am as non negotiable. Rich or poor wise or a fool, brave or a coward, I am who I am, pain pleasure is just the opposite side of a coin, living and dying is part and parcel of my evolution towards a higher more challenging plane and more exciting less violent and boring; I deserve better for myself.  I have to Love myself better and allow for the ability to be free from taking myself  for granted; I am no ordinary man, my mind is not ordinary mind. I may not be a neuro surgeon or a rocket scientist, a quantum physicist or a mathematician, but I have caught into glimpses of realities that are beyond all these, some calls it transcendent realities. 

The Buddha would have said, "All is as it should be." ...it is all perfect and complete, each moment in time and space is meant to be just so no how you may feel that you have deviated from the original plan, you are part of the original plan. You are to play your role as best you can no matter how tedious and insignificant a life you live or vibrant and full of flavor kind, A carpenter finds satisfaction and joy in carpentering, while a banker loves his easy chair and Mercedes, an artist paints his heart out and the Buddha teaches the Dharma to the world; we all play our part to perfection.
Stop the whining and groaning about the terrible things in life and how unfair it all seems,just enjoy your moment from time to time feel that what you do and who you are matters; you are the Universe, a wise Hindu once said, claim your right and privilege as such, no recourse, no questions asked. No need to keep punishing myself cause someone else says that I am wrong or that I am on the wrong path.

To know the mind it takes more than the mind, it takes the silencing of the mind, it takes what it takes to bring the mind to a standstill where no thoughts whatsoever passes through the consciousness; it takes some form of meditation, some form of practice, like carpentering, fishing or counting other people's money; to get to know the workings of my mind i have experimented throughout my life, I have put to the test of what worse a man can commit and what best he can do to serve humanity or become a good if not perfect man. I am a student of Jedu Krishnamurti's thoughts and ideas about the human mind, it was he who declared that " You are the Universe!"

Just letting it all hang out...

It is not easy to simply overlook at the fact that all over the world humanity is falling apart at the seams albeit due to religious animosity, national and territorial rights or economic squeeze, among others that is plaguing us, not to mention how nature is taking a toll on top of it all. One has to be completely blind, deaf and dumb to be impervious to what is happening to us despite all our so called achievements in the fields of the sciences and technology. It is sad and more so when we see that there is little or no chance of upsetting the balance of the negative state of affairs into a more positive one when all one sees is fuel being added to an already raging flames of hatred and discontentment.It is as though there is end to violence and decadence, chaos and discord among nations as well as neighbors. We are living in denial of these foreboding events of our times.

The killing of Muslims while they were at the mosque praying the Friday prayer in Christchurch, New Zealand and followed by the attack on Muslims in India where over 600 homes were destroyed are but the latest among the tragedies that is playing itself out as part of our human history, which will go down as the dark days for mankind. The spread of chaos and discontentment among nations and religious is denominations is rife as everyone is up in arms to claim their rights and privileges  often at the expense of others who are seen as the cause of their problems, there is no compromising nor tolerance as each claim for  rights and superiority. As I have often said human lives is valued at the cost of a bullet and everyone is out to defend their cause albeit, democracy or religion, a system or simply an idea. It seems we are at our worse with the advent of the Internet that should by right bring us closer together towards understanding and working closer together in settling any and all our disputes like civilized people.

I feel deeply disturbed by so much suffering that is being wrought by man against man and as an artist i find it hard to create what it is that i want to share with those who view my works. I had always wanted to express what is serene and peaceful, such that when viewed my works could evoke cool comfort to the soul, an expression that can calm the human mind and spirit rather than evoke more disturbing and torturous feelings of animosity and pain. I feel like I am in the dark night of my soul looking for answers and wondering what can I do as an artist to help heal those around me. I feel like I am loosing my own sanity thinking so much of what has become of this planet I am leaving behind in the not too distant future; what legacy can I leave behind me for my children and theirs.

As it is, it is the children who are out on the streets carrying placards, decrying the state of the Planet as the climate change becomes more and more a reality. It is their voice that is loudest from all around the Globe demanding that their parents become more serious over what is happening around us. What is happening to those of us who are still alive after all these years having lived and benefited from what the planet had to offer us. Why are we leaving it up to the children to do our battle for us in cleaning up after the mess we leave behind?  At my age i wish I have the time and strength yet to do my little bit for the sake of at the very least in cleaning up the garbage that is being washed ashore along some coastal areas as i have done before while living on the East Coast of the Malay Peninsular. Most of our garbage will end up in the sea and washed up by the tides especially during the monsoon season along the South China Sea. At the end of the monsoon one finds heaps of garbage washed ashore from God knows where and it was the best time to do some house cleaning there. This is where school children should be put to task in collecting these trash as it would wake them up to the reality of an environmental consciousness.

to be contd.




  







 








 



 






   

 

Wedding in Islam should be moderate.

One of my cousins had a wedding held for his daughter and it was held at a "Wedding Center" at InCity Shopping Complex. was it? Anyway there were five weddings happening at The lifts were kept busy and on one of my trips going up to the third floor A gentleman all dressed like and Ustaz walked in and started fiddling with the buttons. He never even casted an eye at me and so I said when the doors shut," The Prophet of Allah said that even a simple smile is a gift. Assalamualaikum .He looked at me and took my hands into his and by then the lift stopped and we both walked out. Later at the "Angkat Nikah" ceremony where the bride and bridegroom tie their knots, I noticed that the Ustaz in the elevator was also the Khadi. After the ceremony as he was walking away I stopped him and apologized, he smiled we meet again! he said.. 

I once listened to a rant from a Malay Ustaz Imam on You Tube all about all these fanfare and dowries stuff is against Islam, Nothing written in the Quran or Hadith, all these big feasts and having fun is not Islamic. This guy was spitting brimstone and fire about it. Wow! I thought to myself there goes Salleh's Catering business, my cousin will suffer another mild stroke, if the Malays were to all in all makes it a Fatwa that no more extravagant weddings are to be held...hmm. I think weddings and funerals are two of the most quality times that Muslims should celebrate other than the Major events like the Ramadan ; they bring the community together whether to celebrate or commemorate. I love going to weddings especially Malay weddings, not only because of the food, but also to be gawking at lovely ladies in their best dress.  Perhaps herein lies the problem as to why big weddings should be declared, Haram!

It would be a sad day indeed if it comes to pass that the Religious Department issues a fatwa that limits weddings to the bare essentials like the days of the Prophet (PBUH) and the predominantly  Desert Bedouin. It would mean allot of jobs being put out of business, I once asked my friend Ah Huat, the Auto Air condition Mechanic, why do the Chinese burn paper money for their ancestors. He said although it is really meaningless and a waste, it helps to keep allot of people employed. Anyway no wedding can match that of the former Prime Minister's daughter to a Kazakhstan man, I never found out what status he had but the wedding was very extravagant all around. Perhaps another reason why Islam would prohibit big weddings. 

 

    

Another Journey in the making.

When you are paying the rent for your apartment that is more than the monthly salary of the security guard  of the complex, you deserve a peace of mind where your living quarters is concern. But not where I am at,  Living at the top most floor of the 12 story building my daughter and I had to deal with a leaky water tank at the top most level of the building which causes the paint job on ceiling of our apartment to start flaking and drop on to the living room floor including all the table, couch and TV area and so forth. It ends up I had to sweep the floor five or six time a day just to be able to walk to our bedrooms without too much chalky paint material sticking at the bottom of our feet. This is the second time that this happens as it also happened for a few months last year.I must say it sucks but I made it my practice not to loose my cool and handled it while it lasted with a sense of patience and acceptance. It is not fair for my daughter to have to deal with this while the landloard just left for a vacation in Japan.

It is time for me however to take my leave of this place and seek God on the road again, at 70 it will be a challenge no doubt but it ia what makes me happy most, the freedom to be myself again not having to care for or answer to anyone other than me. My daughter is somewhat pretty stable no, with a great job and a beautiful apartment and a cat; leaving her now will not be a big worry. My son too is doing very well at his job and so not much to worry there too, yes I have been a worry wart these past few years over my children' well being and I think I have done more than enough and before It becomes too much for all concern, it is a great time to see the what else life has in store for me. I feel quite well physically and if I take it slow and easy i might be able to cover some distance and seek out some new places. 

I will carrying some art materials with me to do some sketching and water colors along the way, I hope it will be like the old days. I will try to keep this Blog running if and when I can find an excess to Internet. I hope everyone who knows me will accept my decision to be a wanderer as I have always been most of my life in the past, it is my way of staying active and alive, Heavens forbid if i meet my end on the road, so be it, I completely am ready to accept whatever the circumstances may be. Life is not worth living if one has no dream to fulfill and merely exist just to occupy space and one's feet nailed to the floor. It is even worse when you are being judged for being less than who you are and you are not pulling your weight, by your own children; it means you have dallied too long in one place. You have become a familiar character and as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. Before  I become comfortably dependent upon this arrangement of my present state of being, it is best for me to make myself scarce and go for broke on this perhaps my last journey of self discovery...Who am I...truly.  

"When man can “wish without worrying,” every desire will be instantly fulfilled...fear must be erased from the consciousness. It is man’s only enemy – fear of lack, fear of failure, fear of sickness, fear of loss and a feeling of insecurity on some plane -
we must substitute faith for fear, for fear is only inverted faith; it is faith in evil instead of good. The object of the game of life is to see clearly one’s good and to obliterate all mental pictures of evil. This must be done by impressing the subconscious mind with a realization of good. "= Florence Scovel Shinn.

'Wish You Were Here."- a Tribute.

As I listen to Pink Floyd's"Wish you were Here" for the countless time, the music still trans port into s sublime sense of feeling, almost spiritual, it is like listening to cry of my soul in anguish and ecstasy both at the same time. The first time I listened to the album i had just arrived back from a trip to the South West states of  New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado to the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay. It was at the,  students apartments where three Thai foreign students were staying at together. I was so tired and beaten after the long drive through all three states in what was a 1965 Chevy Impala that all smashed up on the passenger side from a freak accident while I was driving on Highway 666 between Galkup and Durango in the dead od night headed for Denver, Colorado. I had laid down on their living room floor with large earphones lugged to my ears and my head spinning gently from a few shots od Brandy, I was introduced to Pink Floyd and I passed out while the music still went on in my head.

A Few years later when I returned to Malaysia doing the same school projects during my final semester sometime in 1979-80, I was able to visit my twin brother in Kucing, Sarawak on the Island of Borneo, The first thing he did was to play his recently purchased album of "Wish You Were Here", for my benefit. I smiled to myself within me and enjoyed the music while playing around with his daughter on the carpet floor; my twin and I rarely gets along and so moments like these were special.for me at least. Some music have a life of their own that can carry one along for a very long time; like a good Jake's Pizza on Main Street Downtown Green Bay, the taste never left your consciousness. What were the chances that my twin brother would have chosen this same particular album when in our entire life we had never sit and share any good music in the same room together. It is said that music can transport one to greater heights of ecstasy or even spiritual rapture; this album always does it for me. 

 

Which you prefer- Oak or Bamboo

"Remember the growth of a believer is not like a mushroom - but like an oak, which increases slowly indeed - but surely. Many suns, showers and frost pass upon it before it comes to perfection And in winter when it seems to be dead - it is gathering strength at the roost. Be humble, watchful and diligent in the means and endeavor to look through it all and fixed your eyes upon the Lord of Creation and all shall be well." - John Newton.

Someone posted the above quote on Face Book and I though it seems to hit a chord in me and so i am reflecting upon it to see how far or how near i am in keeping my original intention in focus. I must admit the the past few weeks has been sluggish as far getting much done that is worth mentioning and the living environment is again not so conducive for any deep contemplation or meditation; the ceiling is flaking off like snow due to a leak in the water tank above me. So I am kept busy sweeping and dusting and a little worried about my health having to breath the dust, but it is all taken care of by the Landlord although it takes time. I also have not been physically active and spend most of my time on the PC entertaining Face Book friends, people i hardly know but got to know better after all the postings back and forth. I enjoy getting a little involved with what is going on around me just to keep my mind a little occupied with the day to day activities of life out there. I realize that i cannot stay in my self made cave detached from the world and humanity.  

I spend many hours listening to talks and debates on the You Tube especially on the subject of Spirituality, Science and Religion, it is like listening to college lectures; the beauty of the Internet. When I am really bogged down I would watch a movie or two, God I can sit and watch movies all day if i want to, but i choose to read novels as i also enjoy reading, and then there is Furby, the cat who thinks I am her servant and closest friend, but she keeps me company even as I am writing this down. The little things in life that we do to keep our mind occupied rather than allow it to wander off thinking of unhealthy thoughts or simply fall half asleep in a stupor allowing for depression to creep in. It is these minor day to day vexations that one has to be very mindful of in order to stay on course while on this journey, they can rob you of your accumulated achievements or make for regression.

There is always room to educate and revitalize the mind through further studies and deeper observations of one's day to day life while at the same time maintaining one;s course of action and activities giving it your utmost attention and best effort, The most vexing and taxing venture in living is in dealing with other humans regardless of who the are, the closer they are related to you, the harder. The sense of responsibility and commitment towards my daughter has kept me gong on in this my present moment, keeping myself in the confines of this apartment. There is not much to complain really in as far as comfort is concern, it is very quiet being on the top most floor with only one neighbor next door who is hardly around and when home keeps herself locked up. My daughter works most of the day and so i have the whole place to myself, and what  more can I ask for. However i fell the yearn to wander again, to travel the county like I did in the past. my strength and if I may I say, wisdom comes from meeting great mind and while experiencing hardships and awakening experiences while on the road. I have much yet to learn I feel inside me of what the road and the path has to offer in as far as my inner development and spiritual growth is concern.  BUt I do feel an inner sense of peace and tranquility like when in the middle of a hurricane.

Yes I have to be like the oak tree and brave the weather and accept my timely growth in inner and outer being, especially in the dead of winter when everything is in a chill factor I have to keep alive and growing. I have to keep  watchful eye on my progress and digress as life happens and act accordingly.for my own health and well being. 

"Solitude for me is a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words." - C.Jung.

If you do not believe-does it hurt God?

Does God exist and till this day the great minds of the intellectual and religious, the scientific and philosophical are hard at it ,each trying to out proof the other. The likes of the late Christopher Hitchen is most probably right now still adamant of his atheistic stand making his justification before whatever that he is experiencing and off course he is not convincing, not to anything nor to himself either. When you have spent just about half your life justifying something, you end up with not being convinced whether you are right or wrong. To be truly committed to your belief or faith or whatever standing you have, you need not justify once you start to justify it means you are not positive yourself of what it is that you stand for anymore.Atheist like Hitchen, Dawkins. and a host other scientific minded nonbelievers who appear on You Tube videos giving their spill about their take on religion often sounds knowledgeable and fluent about what they talk about. They can kill an opponent point for point and this is simply because of repetition. When you have been doing something often enough you are bound to become good at it and gets better all the time. Sometimes they quote themselves word for word from one talk to another like they have ran out of ideas and the audience if they had been following these individuals often enough would recoil at the tedium of it all; oh no! not this same old line of argument again! Off curse the latest usage of the same ideas has become perfected in their delivery that will send the audience applauding to the ceiling; it is all showmanship when all is said and debated.

God has no problem whether you believe in His existence or not, does He? Do you think it would bother the All Seeing Omnipotent, Lord of Creation if you decide that he does not exist when the rest of the billions have some faith in Him in one form or another. And what have you got to loose if you harbor some small sense of humility and acknowledge that there is by chance a Being greater than life that you can turn to when all else is not functioning accordingly. As a Muslim, I always as often as I can remember, to ask my Lord to protect me against my own ego, my own desires, my own ignorance and so forth. Perhaps He listens and comply, perhaps He is too busy elsewhere, but I know for sure that on my own I could not have survived these seventy years without taking my own life or worse; taking the life of another. As a Buddhist practitioner, I would like to abide by the laws of Karma, that I reap what i sow and keep evolving till I learn better and overcome all my karmic consequences and attain self liberation. I do not see anything right or wrong in how I choose my path towards my own salvation, whatever that entails, I believe in an Oft forgiving, Merciful Lord of Love and Compassion and not a wrathful deity out to punish one every chance He Gets. Nope if a man decides he does not believe in God, it does not hurt God in any way.