I see God through my own heart.

The fourth day of the Fasting Month already, lets face it, unlike most of my fellow Muslims I find no spiritual uplifting or any closer to my Lord than I already have been; I am still having my doubts and may He forgive me. Yes I am fasting, but there is no joy in the act except the feeling thirst and hunger with migraine headaches.from lack of food and water. Why? I keep asking this same question most of my life and till today i find no answer and amd about to five up asking anymore but will carry out the obligatory act as ordained by the religion.
The month of the Ramadan will always be my great trial just as it was for my father before me and I will not dwell on this as it will only drag out nothing but pain and discomfort and just what my mind needs right now.  However the issue here is not about being able to fast of not but it is more about being free from the guilt of not performing the Lord's wishes just like everyone else. How does one attain liberation from this cycle of life death and rebirth if one is filled with guilt. No doubt one thing or another has to give and bottom line it is a question of faith, 'Iman',do I believe or don't I? If I believe in Islam and the ways of the Prophet, then I have to abide by the Islamic laws and mandates which are uncompromising in nature.  If I don't than I am an apostate  and I better have some good reasons as to why I do not believe  or why I am deviating from the religion. I am not. Deep down in my heart I am a believer and it because of this deep faith in me that I dare to ask the questions and demand the truth from my Lord; it is of no concern to others. This is a matter between me and my Maker.
I am not an atheist nor will I ever be. I believe in the One Creator of this Universe and as I have often said, call it what you may, by the name you are most comfortable wit as is used by you forefathers and those before them. But for me there is no doubt in my mind that there is a higher order that governs this whole existence and It or He or She works in mysterious ways. Calling the Divine by the name is a matter of geophysical as well as cultural origin. Just as th Hindus call it Brahman, or the Jews calls Yahweh, or Elohim or the Native American calls Waka Tanka - The Great Spirit, call it the Supreme Consciousness, call it what you may, it is still the One that resides within your heart and to this you surrender, you ask and you lay you trust and faith in, for it comes from within you,it is who you are - your original Buddha Nature. 
I am not into rituals no matter what or who propagated such rituals, but i respect the Collective Spirit in observing rituals that holds the 'Whole' together. Yesterday i watched on You Tube a video clip of a small group of Arabs taking 'Selfies' of themselves while within the Kaabah in Mecca. Perhaps it is not real as there ae those who are out to put a damper on the religion in any way they can, however if it is then indeed it puts the whole ritual of the Haj and especially circumambulation of the Kaabah a mockery if not idolatry. This Holy of Holies cubic structure that was built by Abraham and his son Ishmael has become nothing more than a tourist attraction to the Arabs who are entrusted to care for its sanctity. I need not go deeper into what the performance of the Haj has become in terms of economy and political state of the region and the cultural oppression of the Arab that has not changed since the age of ignorance before the Prophet's time; Saudi Arabia is wallowing in the riches that the oil and Holy Land generates. A trip to perform the Haj today is a vacation for most Muslims as all the comforts and amenities are provided by the Saudi Government which in turn draws more pilgrimage and  hence more income for the State.
I can go on making my own personal observation as to why I do not believe in rituals as demanded by the religion, suffice to say it will only drag into arguments that I am justifying myself, perhaps i am but I will net accept what is from the external what is sacred for me; I will abide by my own self discovered conclusion. In the meantime I will worship the One, Lord and Creator in my own way deep within my heart or Heart.