I take refuge in Myself.

"Life is a Gift, wake up everyday and realize that." The first thought i found on You Tube this morning when i ventured into the link... Miracle tone B52 Hz, Awaken the crystal Clear Intuition Now. It is an intuitive find if I might say so myself as i always look for something soft or mellow to listen to while i make my blog entry. On my way to the 'Copper Mine', my friend Ah Huat's work shop and decided to make a pit stop here at USM Museum Gallery to do my usual stuff. The office is deserted except for a three year old sitting at a computer all by himself watching some kid's animation on You Tube. The dad must be off somewhere in the gallery doing his thing. Alot of powerful images from this Video entitled meditation Solfeggio Music.
We are exposed to all kinds of noises day in day out and most are fit for the audio garbage bin like the sound of the traffic outside my window or my cousin shouting and screaming at his employees getting the catering deliveries ready on time. Then we are exposed to sounds from our inner voices making comments and passing judgments over anything and everything that the senses are exposed to as soon as we wake up, a never ending story we call life's experiences that affects our minds and consciousness every second of our daily lives. So every chance i get i listen to the beautiful sounds of well crafted music that sooth the spirit and calms the wayward mind. I am now listening to the Theme from The Pacific, an all time favorite next to "The Last of the Mohicans," a mesmerizing piece of composition that has a strong impact on me when i write. Gone are the days of Pink Floyd and Kitaro, and this is the day and age of Hans Zimmer and the likes.
As i travel deeper into my inner domain, my inherent consciousness I feel like i am drifting further from the externals as my sense of attachment to external phenomena becomes less and less and i find myself turning more so easily inwards watching my mind doing its thing. I feel like a schizoid being divided between what is out there and what is in Here and Now, i feel like a mirror just reflecting what is going on in front of me but getting less and less sucked into being involved psychologically or emotionally like i used to not so long ago. It does gives me a sense of peacefulness somewhat although on a very short term basis. Like what my friend Ah Huat the mechanic mentioned, i seemed allot more lighter now than I used to be when we first knew each other. Now it seems like the pain is out there, removed somewhat from being in here up close and personal. The suffering of others has become mere reflections, acknowledgments and recognition; no more something that need to be resolved or saved by me. 
Although I still feel melancholic and often depressed over how or what my life has turned into, I am beginning to find the truth and beauty that has eluded me over the years. In looking for happiness without I have lost sight of my own inner being of who I am and what I am capable of. I often carried the cross of others pains and sorrows on my back making believe that it was the Way of the Bodhisatva, but I am now beginning to find that in realizing my own inner nature I am serving those around me. The closer i get to my true nature the lighter i feel and the more receptive I find others have towards me and i do not have to make any offer other than just this; the truth of who I am.
I have given a whole lot of my time in investigating and experimenting my way in life in the effort of self discovery, in getting to the bottom of the barrel of what or who it is that is presently making these comments, the whys and hows of getting to come to recognize my true nature and often i have fallen by the way regretting and despair over my past actions, but I am beginning to feel like it was all as it should be; grist for the mill. Perhaps i am finally on the road to redemption having gone through so much doubts and delusions, having broken all taboos and transgressed numerous precepts that by and large is beyond redemption. I have time and again admitted to myself that I am a sinner who has committed all manners of transgressions throughout my life; I was and perhaps still is a very angry and incorrigible spirit. However and God Willing, I hope my egoic mind has finally been subdued with Loving kindness and Faith in the Mercy and Grace of my Lord ; Insha'Allah.
Now i will head to the ' Copper Mine!' 
Hasta luego!