A Christmas Message to my Children

" Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to your parent Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, the wing of humility, and say, "My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in my childhood." Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts; if you do deeds of righteousness, verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).
And tender to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer; but squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift. Verily spendthrift are brothers of the Evil Ones; and the Evil One is to his Lord (Himself ungrateful). And even if you have to turn away from them in pursuit of the Mercy from your Lord which you do expect, yet speak to them a word of easy kindness. Make not your hands tied (like a niggard's) to your neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach, so that you become blameworthy and destitute. Verily your Lord does provide sustenance in abundance for whom He pleases, and He provides in a just measure. For he does know and regard all His servants."
                       The Holy Qur'an Surah 17 Al Isra'  or The Children of Israel Verse 23 - 30

Yesterday afternoon i took my daughter to the dentist as she was suffering in pain but still working. After watching a series called 'Prison Break with my son on the PC downloads I simply got up and told him that i was leaving to go say hi to his sister and i told i was doing this because i did not want her to feel like i am neglecting her. As I was driving myself to her work place i was like in a daze asking myself  why or what I was doing and a part of me told myself that I missed her and a part told me i felt truly sorry for her living the way she is right now. There is a part of me that was also telling me that it was all part of her life as well as mine and there is not much that i can do other than remain supportive of her regardless of what i feel is right or wrong for her. I am torn in trying to be a good'Muslim father ' and a practical and open minded liberal dad, ( whatever that means).
I could tell my daughter was surprised and relieved to see me as i approached her at her workplace and i felt more sorry to see her now taking on the worn out look of a struggling young woman facing the challenges of life. Such Is!
The I learned why I was moved to make the trip to see her. She was about to have break for a split shift and needed to go to the bank and the dentist as she was in dire pain and my appearance must have been the answer to her call. As i drove her around from one place to another i realized that my daughter is growing up into a tough young lady and I felt in a way proud that she has become self sufficient and yet still very loving and forgiving towards me as i know i could have done better in being there for her still in terms of money.
I have four children all in all, at least that I know of and as much as i am proud of them for their having grown up relatively clean from destructive habits and one even achieving what few can by becoming a Flight Captain in an Airline, I am sad the by the outcome of my relationship to each and everyone of them especially my eldest son who i had cherished most highly all these year of his life till he got married. It is sad to realize that i have lost a son instead of gain a daughter in law and i am still in the dark for the reasons which must be unforgiving for a highly educated and loving son to frown upon his father to this extreme. Most of my life i have been accused of, rejected and frowned upon by my brothers and even my own mother for one thing or another and my face has been slapped by no less than five people throughout my life including my eldest brother whose last slap was the hardest when he told how i have become a disappoint to him when I last visited him during the Aidil Fitri or Ramadan celebration at his home in Kuala Terengganu. Although it was not a physical pain as he had done so three times before while i was a teenager under his care, it was the most painful and this slap i will never forgive him. I was slapped in the face by my teachers while in school in order to educate me and there was absolute anger behind those slaps which was more than an abuse by any standards, the sting is still lingering in my face. It was surprising that my jaw had held together from some of these slaps. I was slapped by my professor, by my girlfriend by a cop and by a doctor but I never retaliated not once.
Why am I telling all these? Perhaps it is winding down time for this long and gruelling blog and it is about time some of the real ancient and twisted Karmas are brought out into the open so that they can be exorcised or the skeletons be emptied from this closet so that there is some space for better things to be stored in place. I am spring cleaning my head for this Christmas seasons like 'spring cleaning' and in the process I would like my children to know why or how messed up their father is and why he is the way he is before they get carried away passing their judgement on him because their slaps to this face will hurt much more than all the slaps i had taken in my entire life in whatever form they may be. Even if i deserve any such treatment from anyone of them I would like to remind them that I am still the father and had in more than one way helped to raise them to become who they are today. Unless their fingers are thoroughly pure and clean I would warn them against judging me too harshly after all these years,
Tor my sons, unless you have brought into this world your own child and raised him or her till she is free of your responsibility you are still not a man completely and to my daughter I will go through hell and back to make sure you are happy regardless if you think you have got me figured out. I am sorry for not being able to be more helpful financially to all of you but i have my reasons and i am learning that my reasons are founded, I am getting myself prepared to face my Maker as i know i have a whole of answering to do in my afterlife as a Muslim and in the process i am getting to know myself even deeper and more regretfully for the mess I am leaving behind me. I don't impose upon any of you my faith and i pray that you do not mock me mine, but suffice to say that your father was born a Muslim and will die one. If ever any of you wish to understand me at my spiritual level learn to read the Qur'an or make some effort to understand the religion of your father and your mothers who converted to Islam when they had you except for one.
You can frown upon me for whatever unforgivable reasons you may have but I ask you to look deeper and beyond what is apparent in you view. I hope you discover the truth in what you see of me especially if it comes from those who you think are closest to you. Wealth and money has its ways of corrupting even the best of friends to set man against man father against sons all for self serving interest. I am sorry to all of you for my shortcomings and not being a fulfilling father to all of you but I hope and pray that you will not fall prey to those who seek to gain from your dismissal of me. Lastly to the daughter in law i never got the chance to know, for whatever reason you may think I am not worthy of your respect, I forgive you and I am sorry. I ask and wish no more out of all of you and let this be my farewell to you all and wishing you and yours all the best and a Merry Christmas.
  As the saying goes: ” Eating a raw pea in life is better than eating a pig after death.” The ancients have taught that the ideal form of honor to parents is to care for and provide for them so that they may live a full, sustaining life, rather than merely paying respects after their death with generous sacrifice.