So much for the reality issue about life when you talk about it like you understand the whole concept of living, even the Buddhas told you that there will be days like this.Ah so! Life goes on and no need to fret over what is written, it only makes for more bad karmas. Bad karmas like unpaid loans will sooner or later catches up with you and when it does you just have to grin and bite the bullet. I remember having taken ten years to finally paying up my educational loan to the University of Wisconsin and it felt like a triumph when it was finally settled. We live this life in debt of one form or another and sooner or later we will have to come around settling it all up before we kick the bucket, it is part of existing in this communal world, and we do our best to settle our debts before we exit this life death in the Buddhist sense does not end with erasing of all debts physical, financial or otherwise, one pays one's debt throughout one's existence in this or the next life till all is settled.
I have much to settle before i exit this life and it looks like i am already being haunted for my past debts at least in the fiscal sense if not the moral and spiritual sense and pay them back in full i will hopefully before i exit this life.Financial debt is the least of my worries as there the more psycho and emotional debts that is pending of which I am still wondering how to settle with those i owe them to. For the time being it is only by the feeling of utter regret and submission that i can afford to find a little solace and comfort seeking forgiveness every moment i worship my Lord, that i ask for His Divine grace and forgiveness. There is no doubt that I have lived pretty much a reckless life in the past and my transgressions runs far and deep on many occasion and some are pretty heavy even for a reckless ignoramus like me. But no sense in crying over spilled milk or beating myself up with a lightning rod, I can only undo as much of my follies as i can by servitude towards others. I may not be able to clean my karmic slate thoroughly before i exit this life but i can do my best to create less and pay back what i can like these financial loans that is pending. I realize that i cannot depend on anyone to do it but myself and my karmic debts when settled will set me free.
I have lived life the best i can and sometimes i realize my best was never good enough at least to those who had high expectations for who I am, my children have their expectations of who i am or should aspire to become; rich and famous perhaps or at least independently wealthy. It is not meant to be or so it seems but it is good to know where i stand from their perspective, what they expect of me.I never claim to be the best father nor the best husband or lover to anyone but i have done my best to no be the worse under the worse of case scenarios.. I have always tried to be there for my children and play fair in my relationships. I do not whip my back for all my broken relationships in the past as I believe that ti takes two hands to make sound when clapping or two to tango. I will carry my cross the best i can to my grave but it does not mean I walk along my path to Golgotha with my tail between my legs. I will face divine retribution for all my sins in this life but i will not regret having lived my life the way it had turned out. For all those who judge me especially my grown up sons, i tell them, I can only hope you fare better and before you point your fingers at your father take a good look at the finger that is pointing and be sure that it is faultless and clean.
It is the fasting month of Ramadan and I say this with a hungry and aching stomach that before you whoever you are of my children decides to pass any judgement over me and my life, take a close look at yours because you sin against judging you father is much greater than him judging you for without him you are a non entity, you do not exist. When you judge me you also judge you mothers for they too are responsible for your being here and by far living a life much better than most on this planet. So I say to you all of you my children, if you cannot love your father or have heavy judgement over his ways, you can at least stop judging him by your puny standards, I sure as hell do not need your help or sympathies. I brought you into this life and not the other way round and if your loyalty and jaded love is now laid between the legs of the women you claim to love love so be it, but judge me not! I have done the best i could but if my best is not good enough for you than good luck with your lives! I hope and pray that as fathers you will fare better than me. But in the meantime point not you fingers at me without realizing that you have four fingers pointing back at you.and as your father i say good luck to you, may you fare better than your old man.
Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
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