More fasting stuff.

So what I learned thus far into my  day if not my life itself while i am flip flopping along my path towards my hole in the ground? Today i decided to take the proper steps towards getting something done involving the Internet Services being non operational due to the wire being cut form the telephone line when the renovation job was done more than a month ago thus cutting off the Internet services and my son Karim has been having shit fits over it. I learned that on making the report at the main office which took me hardly ten minutes of waiting in line the repair would be done in 24 hours maximum! Like wow! There i was for the last few days murdering people making appeals to my cousins and my friends and neighbors, yelling and screaming at the injustice of it all for having my line cut off and not being informed for over a month and my son going through manic depressions due to not being able to get his Face Book fix for the day especially now that it is Ramadan! I was going through the manic depression myself over the matter, but this morning i decided to go to the the source and admit my ignorance and see what gives and voila!
Chances are Karim would not be reading this well at least till his Internet is being connected again but I told him upon return of the matter about taking upon himself to do the right thing instead of hoping that others even me of taking care his crap. I am guilty of the same, but he is the one who needs the Internet for his school works and his very life depends on it or so it seems but nope, dad will have to do something about it, that's what dads are for, as far as Karim is concern. Well, what can i say, that I love my children? That i would do whatever needed done as much as i can afford to for them knowing even now that three out of four has already frowned upon their father for not being able to perform as a father? Such Is! When they arrived at 21 years of age they yelled Freedom! Yeah, no more hassle with mom and dads and no restrictions anymore smoking and drinking, the world is at their mercy. Hallelujah! I said no more pain in the butts and freed to do what i want to do at last, Yippee ka -AA!
Instead i am still bitching and moaning about having to pick up after them like a housewife something i had never in my wildest dream thought of during my Happy Days as a bachelor in the USA. I will moan and groan all i want because it has come to a point that it all does not matter much anymore. It seems i am destined for a lonesome life into my old age at the rate i am getting estranged  from my own children. I feel it in my heart that I will be facing a very tough ride before i finally kick the bucket and so i need to change! I need to change my strategy and my concerns, I need to reevaluate my cost and effects and my options before it is too late and most of all i need to absorb fully my practices and take on the path without looking back and no more excuses, I need to break away or break. I have been taking this parenthood crap too seriously and it is becoming more of a pain than any good to me and my kids. I have done all i can and will continue on doing what needs to be done as much as i can afford to but it will be on my own terms and at my own time.
But all these are nothing when compared to what goes on in the Gaza today even as i am typing and it is so heart breaking to watch videos of a father hugging his child who had been killed refusing to let her body go until he was pride away from her. What does my children know about being a father/ No much not until they too are fathers or a mother. Whenever i pray to the AlMighty I pray for the safe keeping of all my children, never failing to do this at each prayer even deep in my heart I have my doubts as two of them are not Muslims and perhaps even belittle the religion itself. I sometimes tell my lord how can i enter His paradise when my children are in His hell, idiotic I know but, hell is in my mind when I pray to my Lord as so is heaven, even when i chose not to be in any but to simply return to the source of my being whatever that might be. I am a Muslim by conversion as was my father and my grand father before me and so my mind is not too terrified to be blinded from asking questions and looking for the truth as most of my relatives who were born and raised Muslims with nothing else to refer to as far as life and faith is concern. Bu the fact remains that I will pray for the salvation of all my children be they Muslims or not as i know my Lord is All forgiving and most Merciful.
I have not accepted Islam blindly nor will i accept anything else for that matter without much scrutiny as i have been doing almost my entire life and this lengthy blogging is part of this testimony of my journey of faith. During this month of Ramadan I have been going through yet more turmoils of beliefs and faith issues from within me. As I perform the Terawih prayers my mind would rebel left and right trying to derail my attention with some of the most ridiculous thoughts and doubts so much so that at times i would simply give up and just follow the motions of the congregation mindlessly. Sometimes I feel better when i gave up trying to pray and simply goes through he motions like a physical exercise and sometimes i feel the presence within me of that which i worship. Whenever i do i would ask for forgiveness for all that i have sinned in the past present and future before my mind would drift off again into some other time zones or altered states. It is ironic that for one who does a whole lot of meditation, i cannot stay focus on my prayers when I pray.