The Malaysian Hobo.

It has been a trying fives days of fasting now and I feel like i am in limbo, stuck between hunger and thirst and the awakening experience of getting a closer look at who I am or what I have become or am becoming , whatever! Yes, hunger and not being able to have a cigarette can do wonders to the mind and not to mention having to curb all sensuous desires and what not and last but not least off course not having a dime in my pocket, flat broke! It is a liberating feeling none the less even if it seems unreal and perhaps a sham that the mind is playing on me. More importantly i am beginning to notice that my meditation practices is beginning to take on a more concrete manifestation as i am beginning to feel myself removed from my surroundings, the forms and the sense objects,the feelings and the most importantly attachment to phenomena. It seems like it has taken ages for me to reach this most basic of meditational  stages but in the past few days as i sat I feel in complete abundance an openness to whatever is in and around me. I feel a sense of freedom from caring and self driven guilt trips that now i am seeing like it is for the first time; it is saying it does not matter anymore.
Making this entry itself is like a bloody waste of time and not necessary anymore and it is not being lazy, no it is more like no, I do not need to do this or do anything for that matter that, but I am doing it simply because it is my excersise at keeping tabs on myself, still a part of my practice. Oh I still feel aches and pains and perhaps more so physically and i do feel for my children, love and missing them, but not as much anymore, there is a growing sense of detachment inside like i can up and be gone into the wild and not look back at any time. So, what is holding me back? Friends? If i can feel this way about my own kids what hold can friends have on me that I cannot walk away from? Comfort of home? Never really had any place to call home in my whole life a house of my own that is, nor any particular place that i would cling on to especially where i am at right now, but it serves its purpose as a shelter. So what is holding me back from making my final move of taking to the road to nowhere?
There is still many corners of this country i have yet to drift to and my past efforts of breaking away and making my journey has been interrupted by one issue or another having to do with my children of which i have no complains as it is my duty still to make sure that their needs are cared for, but after the recent visit of my son from Switzerland I come to realize that nope, they don't really need me, not anymore, they are their own now and i can face in the other direction and they would not notice. I have done all I can and need to do for them except for my daughter she is a whole different story, something about being a woman. Wit her i feel like I owe it to my late wife to make sure that she will always be cared for even if more like she is and will be the one doing the caring for me, she has grown into a strong and like me a stubborn woman with no holds barred kinda attitude. Yes, it has been my intention that she grows into being such an independent lady and not a push over by a long shot and after all these years of facing the trials and tribulations of being raised all over the world and among many different cultures, she has become Marissa!
So five days into the fasting month and things are getting stirred up to the surface of my consciousness and some are very ancient ones still in circulation while others are more recent being churned up by my lack of proper understanding and backsliding, swallowing and regurgitating what the phenomenal existence has to shovel out at me. I have yet to unhinge myself and unplug my mind from stagnated views and perceptions; I gotta free my self from the shackles of my own forge. I am getting up there in age and my body is not what it used to be ten fifteen years ago where i could say , change and it is changed, and for this very fact alone I have to make the move soon before it all come to a permanent halt.
before i write my final chapter if would be nice to be able to make that final journey if only it is within this country alone and savor all that it has to offer in its multitude of expressions, I don't have any nor do i look forward to having grand children to play with and so i will look and play with those that i stumble upon along the road. My plan this time is to drift through the backroads of the East Coast  of the peninsular from Kelantan down south towards Johor passing through Terengganu and Pahang along the way. Well i can keep rambling on and on as always but it is the only to keep my mind focused upon what i have set out to do and which is presently on a back burner due to minor setbacks. Just in case i am wondering to myself if i have anything at all laid out before me this is what i envision my near future would entail; becoming a Malaysian Hobo.