Visited a private clinic and the doctor about my age told me that my blood pressure is quite normal for my age and that my headaches is probably due to my eyesight or perhaps due ti sleep disorder of one kind or another. He gave a buch of pills and a bottle of what tasted like your anti acid formula for gastritis. My son in Dubai called to insist that I see a doctor for a checkup and so I did but I know this is just not enough as I need to have a complete checkup and a complete checkup through good hospital cost more than Rm 2000 I was told and the general hospital takes a long waiting time for time for the results. So I told him that I will see what the medication I have will do for the next few weeks and I will have more done as time goes by.
How does one survive the existing systems without getting derailed by it and commit suicide, as it seems the answer to most of these external pressures is to physically exit this life. Forget about being creative and all that idealistic dream of serving society, how can one serve society when one cannot even serve one's own needs and responsibilities. I have been dedicating my life towards doing good and serving my society, this country in my own way thinking that it return I would be awarded with a more favourable deals by the power that be. However the power that be is as uncaring and callous as the computer that I am working on...totally impersonal and it is only when shit hits the fence like going berserk with a gun in my hand that these so called public servants would open their eyes asking what went wrong. What would prompt a man to commit such crimes, why did he loose his mind, why was he so despaired at life when all is nor so bad for him? Yes, ask anyone who has been dealing with government bureaucracy such as the Immigration, the Registration Department and the Income Tax agencies what they think of these so called people friendly offices; the answer would probably be the same...Wallah u Alam, God knows.
Am I being melodramatic? Perhaps, but the fact that I have to now start making enquiries form the offices in Kuala Terenggany with regard to why I should pay RM5000 income tax for my late wife and it triggers the old 'pain body of having to deal for eleven years with the Immigration Department for my children's citizenship papers. Most of this were written somewhere in my earlier blogging and it was a long and painful costly experience to say the least. But I did it eventually and managed to get my children to become Malaysian citizens without having to bribe anyone for it.
Being a full time artist there is no fixed income as every now and then one gets lucky and finds a buyer for one's works, otherwise it has been beg, borrow or steal to survive. Where is my pride in living as one who is supposed to be gifted as an artist. When asked how can I turn around and say my life is fine and that it could not get any better? But I do and in essence I am living a lie to myself, I am nothing but a pariah who lives like a parasite off other's support and clemency. Perhaps this is why the Buddha had insisted that i give it all up and seek refuge in the forest or the mountains and become totally detached from this life of dog eat dog society: at least for my own sanity. I, however have taken it to be a form of escapism if I were to say to hell with it all and walk into the wilderness and not that I have never done it before. But society is not just the government inept bureaucracy but it includes my children, relatives and friends and what do I tell them? Why did I gave up? Me who is gifted with a creative ability that not too many has; in being an artist? Most talented individuals i have come to meet has turned to drugs and drinks, just like my grandfather and my father, they too were very talented people but their lives were miserable when I look at it and they died poor and in destitute being subjected to frown and reticule by their own children. My father told me of his aches and pains as he grew old living in Terengganu knowing that he was being judged for his ways; namely he was a drunk amidst a strictly Muslim society. I felt for him as I saw myself headed towards the same direction. Such Is, Such Is!
If one is a Bodhisatva in this life, the next time one decides to come back and help more towards achieving awakening, one better be more prepared if not resilient. never come back as an artist! Be sure you come back as a banker or a member of the royal family in Brunei. In this way one could perhaps serve society or humanity better than just rambling daily on the Internet. instead of knowledge and wisdom choose wealth and power, it makes more sense and perhaps gives one greater leverage to serve. All these off course happens due my own self deluded ignorance and none to blame but me. I have made the choices, i have chosen this course of my journey and I have experimented with life instead of simply living it like everyone else. I am that, I am. My mind will never cease to ramble as this is what it is all about for so long as i live, for so long as I breath in and out without being fully conscious of my breathing and one day my shortness of breath will cause me to death. End of story, close the book, and the fat lady stops singing; I am no more!
Oh well it is not all that bad, I am still here and my daughter is home for a short break, while my son in Dubai out of concern for his father had sent me some money for me to get a medical check up. I am grateful for this no doubt and more so because I have children who cares for the well being of their father and who could ask for more in the day and age when parents are more and more being sidelined and forgotten by their children. So in more than one way I should say Alhamdullilah! Thank you Lord for Your infinite Compassion, but for Your Grace things could be worse. So i am still looking at the silver linings behind every dark cloud that passes me by and still holding on to the fact that, 'and this too will pass', thank you Idris Shah for your Sufi insight on the impermanence of life.
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