When I look back as i always do of how time has flown pass by me and the myriads of moments and spaces I have experienced, the happier and trouble times of my life i cannot help but feel a sense of melancholy deep within me. What have i accomplished, what difference have I made for the better in the lives of others. Sometimes I even get the feeling of being choked up with emotions for no apparent reason as though some repressed issue from the past is just below the surface of my consciousness demanding some form of conciliation. In this blogging I am leaving behind my legacy, my story, my life, imperfect as it is, in it I am also untangling the tangles I have caused in the event of my past experiences. In doing this I may not solve the issues as what is done is done in most cases and cannot be undone, however, I believe in making the effort to fully comprehend what had transpired, what went wrong or what had caused these events albeit positive or negative, I feel a little sense of being relieved, enlightened and sometimes free from the guilt that often comes with the past as Eckhart Tolle termed the 'pain bodies.' Deep rooted Karma, ancient and twisted from time beginningless, I have to sit and gather all my energy in order to set my mind to observe and understand what it is and how far or deep is the cause of my chronic illnesses in all its shapes and forms. Just as I sit and observe the courses of pains occurring in my physical body like the pain in the center of my chest or the nasty migraine that every now and then threatens to split my skull or the minor spasms the runs the length of my arm and the numbness in my left shoulder, I find it possible to make these go away simply by focusing my attention on them through breathing, so i find it easier now than ever to sieve through and heal my heartaches.
As i work more and more on myself I find that most of my vexations, my agitations my sense of being sad ans melancholy originates from my interface with the external, with others. The suffering of others causes me heartaches and pains, their sorrows causes me my sleepless nights, ignoring them is something I find hard to do unless I am drunk or stone to the bone, where my mind is totally dull with euphoric numbness and this is only while it lasts. Under normal circumstances I would be carrying my load every minute of the day making me feel like I am about to sink into the ground I walk on and my shoulders haunched over like a hunchback carrying a load of firewood. Unburdening myself is what i have tried to accomplish, letting go of my baggage, casting off my excesses, cleaning up my closets, emptying my crowded mind...just letting go... but this is never easy, I need the stick on my back or the kick in my ass to wake up from this sleep walking in the world of illusions, Maya. Wake up before I fall asleep for good in ignorance wondering why was i alive in the first place?
" Beings are numberless, I vow to awaken with them,"
The first of the Bodhisattva vows I once took while doing my Mahayana Buddhist Practice and every so often this vow would come to mind and it helps me somewhat to be able to accept the suffering of this world and what my role in it is to be. It helps to make me understand the part of me that sometimes experience the choked up feeling when I meditate in the middle of the night. I fully accept that I cannot change the state of human suffering but i have been told time and again that i can only change myself to accommodate and thus indirectly help to ease the human condition. By acceptance I am able to to deal with my perceptions of the chaos and turmoils that is threatening to engulf humanity in general. I am humanity, I am the suffering and my ignorance is the cause of this suffering. If i can change my perceptions, my consciousness, toward fully understanding this nature of suffering I can help in some small way to bring peace and tranquility into my world. However if I am trapped myself in this world of illusion, then the world is too.
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