My mother told me there would be days like this.

So where are we at Bahari? Are we still in this game of existence, of day to day making sense or cents out of nonsense or no cents? How far or how near are we from our goals and expectations or are we at last really washed out, throw in the towel and say screw it all for nothing? Almost nine hundred entries of the blogging and what have we got to show for it? Bare yourself, share you life's experiences, create and hopefully benefit those who happen to look into what we aspire to accomplish through this blogging , you say. Well after all these years and the ups and downs where are we at, Bahari?
Still breathing, still kicking, still wondering where the next penny is going to drop from as I have spent my last dime on a cup of Ali Cafe from the vending machine, that is where i am at. My daughter's friend called me up telling me that my daughter called her from Hanoi needing money as she is not having a good time there,mostly not getting along with her friend and my son needs a new tyre for his bicycle and perhaps tonight's dinner and cat food! The washer at the house is broke so i have to handwash my and my son's cloaths, yes when it rains it pours. But hey Such Is, and this too will pass. One day you are spending some 700odd Euros in four days in Rome and the next you are scraping around for cash to pay for your dinner, that is where I am at.
There are those who will laugh and those who sympathise with my predicament but for so long as I am breathing and am able to provide I know it will all work out for shit happens for good reasons as there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud, I believe so. It may have been a mistake to make my daughter do what she hesitated to do like joining her friend in Hanoi for her holidays and yes my son in Dubai will say. "I told you so, its a mistake as you cannot afford it..." I will have to swallow the pill, I accept the consequences of my actions, always does in the past.
Nothing is permanent, not the good or the bad as all is subject to change and change for better or worse will happen in the course of a lifetime for better or worse it is all in  how we look at life. If my intention be known it is to teahc my two children here how it feels not have money, to be hungry and to be dependant on others. It is never a good feeling for anyone and as such it is my hope that they become strnger and learn to strive to survive if and when I am gone. But it looks like they are not really trully a chip of the old block as they still fail to see what it takes to excell. I have failed my children, I should have stayed employed and making money like everyone else so they do not have to go through hardships an me too for that matter. But as Napoleon once said, "Space you can recover, Time never".
What have i left/ Faith? Faith in my Lord to provide in my time of dire need? My son in Dubai who is going through his own motions in life? or my sone in Switzerland who has his own rivers to cross. There is only one faith left and that is in myself, to make shit or miracles happen and I have been at this for nearly sixty odd years now, doing this and done that; what have got to show? Should i be ashame of myself ? Should I blame all the wrongs that have touched me and my children for the way i have chosen to live my life? What good is all the soul searching and mind mapping journies that I have been trekking all these years? Have i really squandered all my options, jeopardized my childrens' future through wrong choices of self serving interests?
God, I have no answers anymore! I am tired, getting too old for this. I just feel like laying down and not wake up for good, if only i could. God forgive me for feeling such despair, this feeling of hopelessness, if only I had listened to my mother when she switched off the light slammed the door shut and left me in the darkness while i was in the middle of creating an art piece at three in the morning; to tell me to stop wasting my time.! It took me ten years to start painting again after that but I did and look where it got me! Sure, blame it on your mother, you say, if you only knew. The past will always haunt you especially when it is etched deeply into your psyche and the root is too deep to be rooted out, this is what the Buddha called the deep rooted Karmas.
So, where are we at Bahari? Have we learned much from life or is life still shoving crap down our throat?  Grist for the mill, someone once said, that is all it is, the cork and screws that keeps the machine running, the compost heap that one has collected in order that new things can be grown from the product; if only I could stand away from it all and view the larger picture to see where or what it is all about.