Cartharsis of The Demons Within...

On FAITH
Faith is a state of openness or trust. To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. And the attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging to belief, of holding on. In other words, a person who is fanatic in matters of religion, and clings to certain ideas about the nature of God and the universe, becomes a person who has no faith at all. Instead they are holding tight. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.
Alan Watts.

Today being friday was a very tumultuous day for me especially early in the morning when I decided to do Monoprints at the USM Pusat Seni Printmaking Studio. I have been having a mental block of late and there seem to be no way of getting out of this rut. Part of it is due to the fact that it is that time of the year when I have to deal with the Immigration Department getting my children's papers in order and the other is as always, economics.

As I got my materials together and about to start printing I realized what a dumb ass I have been lately listening to my inner voice moaning and groaning about the ongoings in my life and how angry i felt over this or that so much so that it was almost impossible to think straight anymore. I felt weak and helpless like i often do in times like these and wished I had a hole to crawl into and just bury myself for good. But this morning i decided to challenge all the demons within and without and express my feelings in my printmaking. What came out was ten angry faces that epitomized my soul screaming at the world and life itself. Most of all I declared total war on my 'self'', that whining, groaning and pissing voice of reason and concern that ever tries to justify every wrong and make things seem all simple and whoop-dee doo!! I grabbed this shithead by the neck and demanded that it stop all the whining and express itself as it actually felt. Let out the demons! Anger, Pain and Despair.

I ransacked my closset and scattered out all the ghosts that been hiding within demanding them to show themselves in their true forms through my fingers and onto the paper. Iwas alone in the studio and felt free to yell and shout at the non entites i was invoking while my fingers started to render the images you see in the previous blog. I challenged out loud to all the phantoms that has been tormenting my soul with their seeds of persuasions and manipulations, their scare tactics and diabolical schemes. I rattled all the chains and wrenched them loose from the floor boards in the effort to free my soul from the unseen bondage of this so called material life. I screamed bloody murder when what i was sketching on the plate did not really come from my aching heart and that sweet diabolical voice of the story teller had crept into my mind instead persuading me to lie with some goody two shooes kind of print that would please some piss ass buyer. I would yell to it to get the fuck out of my conciousness and let what is really lurking in there to show themselves once and for all.

I am tired of taking crap from this God forsaken existance I yelled and if there is any worthwhile crap to be had it will come out from me not some MF who happens to earn a salary or thinks that their wealth can buy my soul cheap or that their threats of prisonment or casteration can make me cow myself like a beaten dog! No! I have danced with the Devil and I have been through more than my share of hell to get where i am, I am happy if my life is ripped from me even as i am writing this piece of shit.

So let me tell those who think that I am a push over when it comes to being nice and pleasant, it is only my effort to hold in check what really lurks behind this empty face. It has been there eversince I learned how rotten a deal life is anf for man to take this crap and call it a blessing it is even worse a hypocracy beyond any. I scream in silence all my life taking what is dished out tome from all aspects of my sordid existance, my family my friends, my relatives, my teachers, even those whose lives i valued more than my own and for whose sake i had kept my demons in chains. But today, this Friday I was creating out of insanity in the Studio at USM, alone dealiong with my own demons past present and future. It is no doubt that i will never exorsize them all completely but I felt great to be able to do battle with my self.

Though I did not make it to the Mosque for the Friday Prayer for the first time i did not blame my Maker nor did i point my finger at Him. All I could do after i had exhuasted all my printing papers was to sit and felt relieved for being able to unload so much pain and anguish I have been carrying within me. I cried.