Enlightenning! WHO DIES?

This morning I did my seven rounds of walking meditation exersise around the Muzium Gallery area of USM and broke out sweat, sat under the Ketapang tree infront of the Muzium after some good Tai Chi type workout and sat for some Pranayama exercises to bring my mind and body back to complete peaceful balance. Alot of activity at seven am. and so now I am ready to dive into my shit bucket and see what has been fermenting all these while that I have not updated my blog at the personal level.

Hows life been treating you Bahari? Oh... cant complain, for a man about to turn sixty in two months I cannot say that i have toatally wasted my time here on the planet, just this blog writing alone had taken so much of my time and I would not consider it a waste of my time, nor walking around burning away calories of fat accumultated through having eaten too much Nasi Minyak at the Kenduries and the catering work place is not construed a waste of time, I dont think so. I was at the Little Penang Street market yesterday and sat and listnened to some talented young artists sing their hearts out while my daughter was having fun working with some neat people at the information stand, that was not a total waste of time. not by my book. But I am always being nagged at by this sense of incompleteness, like something that aught to be there is just not or something that should happen for my benifit as well as that of all that I love is just not happening. Why?
Am I being greedy for desirng more than what is allocated for me in my list of needs as a man, what am I expecting from this life after almost sixty years of living like a Gypsy with my family still uncattered to in the event that I am called to join Michael Jackson. Am I prepared to face the after life, hardly so in my estimation, still am weighed down by the all mighty ego and the sense of doubts in who I am. I still care about what others think of me which is one of my baggage difficult to off load even at my age and then I am my worse critique which is not unlike the self falgelation of some mad monk in a Gregorian monastery somewhere. I still stare with unabated want at women's breasts and butts and in my silence scream at myself asking my Maker for forgiveness and protection against such God given freedom. So all in all i should say, nope, my life is not totally wasted even if I have not a dime to my name!And that too is a lie as my son the flier has Western Unioned me some cash to keep me out of trouble with my creditors, bless his soul.
I have learned sometimes in the most humiliting way that having money and being wealthy are not entirely the same thing although it helps a great deal for the later to be backed up by the former. Wealth is relative too, its not how wealthy you are in the material sense that matters most but how wealthy a life you have that makes more sense. This inlcudes having good long lasting friendships, self respect and especially the respect of others despite all your weaknesses is a good gauge for wealth and off course if you can drive a Jaguar (my all time favorite) at the same time would be the cherry on top of a well lived life. As it is even just a kancil is is good enough to ,ake me feel like Schumacker at Sepang in my mind given the right time and environment and a free state of mind for thats all it is, a state of mind, yours and mine.
A free state of mind can be anyhting anywhere and at anytime without any need for external support it is only dependable on the Creator (if one is religious), the One Who has laid out the map to your trip on this plane of existence giving you the freedom to choose left or right at any given junction and the final desitnation would still be the hole, six by three feet deep. Whether you drive a Jag or a Kancil, crawl on your belly or run, whether you have three homes or live a hobo's life or destitution, it all ends up in the hole and after that what does it matters what others have to say about you? There will always be those who breath a sigh of regret with your demise and those who breath a sigh of relief have you not noticed with those who have gone before you?
What do you think of yourself? Thats what i am asking all these while and will keep on doing so into the future till I too will follow the steps of David Caradine and Jacko, two of my all time favorites. Their departures sent a warning flash on my screen telling me that my time too aint that far off and as a good Muslim it is way past the time to weigh all my options or come to a concilitaion with my faith and beliefs. Saw the movie 'The Yes man" with Karim and Marissa and it evoked a few thoughts and ideas in my mind with regard to my own practices and principles in life. All I can say is that I see more and more in myself the slowing down of the pendulum from both extreme ends to a more gradual journey of enjoying the swing rather than the impatience od getting from one end to the other like i used to. As they say, I have slowly began to stop and smell the roses or the crap whichever the case may be. Call it the process of ageing if you may, but it is more than that, it is like a long process of cartharcism of the subconcious, the weeding away of unwanted baggages and accumulated dellusions, unburdening or simply the act of letting it all go... enlightenning.
To lighten yourself, less burden, less crap to carry in your hands and in your mind and not to mention in your soul. As I approach that entrance to the dark hole where we all come to rest when all is said and done I do not want to have too much one my mind other than what lies the'One Step beyond' and how do i manage myself in the afterlife, the grave, the Alam Barzakh or purgatory and so on which is in itself a tough issue for any man to figure out unless he has absolute faith in his Lord where nothing else matters come what may. It is ofren considered morbid if not scary to think of death and the after - life although encourage by the ancient and the prophets as the best of contemplations for man, however as it is something that will in one way or another occurs at anytime in one's life, death and afterlife is an issue that humans will be haunted by even the most skeptical of them. You cannot brush the phenomenon of death off your subconcious mind as it is something that is part and parcel of life itself and hence it demands your attention in more than one way and for many reasons. We can only reflect on death taking events that had occured and for the believers the words of scriptures, but personallly what can we do to understand better the scenario?
WHO DIES?