I seem to have difficulty in trying to load the pictures i took while on my trip to Java into my blog entries, am still not good at it, what a bloody shame! Time is wated in trying and what a waste it would be if I were to loose all those great shots i took of the whole trip wihtout having the chance to share it on my blog. Getting my mind to focus! Getting my spirit to centerr upon what Is! Getting a hold on my sense of creative awareness into gear! Getting myself prep for what should or aught to be done instead of procrastinanting! But what? Yes I have many things i could be getting into motion but i cannot seem to get a hold of myself from drifting into a state of lethargic limbo, which I know from past expweriences would lead into depression and onto despair and inactivity, then comes blame and followed with anger and rejection. Works like a clockwork and what is the cause?
I have sat in meditation every night and every morning trying to figure what gives but to no avail. Worked my heart out yesterday stirring mega sized pots of curries for over two thousand people's worth of catering. Felt like I was going to collapse by the end of the day but had to drive to the hospital and pick up a newly born baby girl another addition to my grand nieces. It was great to see yet another soul being introduced into this suffering world another potential angel being brought down to earth to help heal the pain or another victim for the slaughter house. Life goes on no matter what I may do or think and I have to keep trudging along till the end justifying my own very existance, still like a bloody fool trying to answer the outdated out moded question of who am I? On looking at the innocent infant I realized how futile is is to keep
on playing this charade of proving to oneself that life has anything more than it really is.
But true to this blog the moanin and groanin has to go on despite all the trippings and the short term comforts or vacations. The human mind has to be put to the grind if it is to stay sharp and healthy otherwise it will end up petrified and age sets in in its glory of decadence and despair. Most people that i have met and talked to of my age are now turned to God as their center of attention. The Preparation for the after life has long since bean for them and it has kept them well safe and sound from any form of mental dellusions or grandiose unattainable dreams. For me i am still floating along among the flotsam of human misserries and self doubts, I have yet to find and anchor for my soul to latch on to as a final stage before the next phase of its journey. I am still caught in my own self made self created dellusions which I had hoped would be the source to answers that i seek to the questions I had earlier on asked of myself with regard to my own existance.
It took the historical Buddha over forty years to discover his answers after undergoing numerous forms of transformations physically mentally and spiritually before he could claim to have attained to liberation, I have hardly begun. I am your average backslider, I give up and give in too easy and compromised my way through life whenver it is the better means. I have become a coward in my old age and no more care for the rebeliousness of my spirit like it once was used to. I fear what is to come and for what was already instead of facing what is and making the best of the moment as my son once mentioned...Carpe Diem!!!
I have sat in meditation every night and every morning trying to figure what gives but to no avail. Worked my heart out yesterday stirring mega sized pots of curries for over two thousand people's worth of catering. Felt like I was going to collapse by the end of the day but had to drive to the hospital and pick up a newly born baby girl another addition to my grand nieces. It was great to see yet another soul being introduced into this suffering world another potential angel being brought down to earth to help heal the pain or another victim for the slaughter house. Life goes on no matter what I may do or think and I have to keep trudging along till the end justifying my own very existance, still like a bloody fool trying to answer the outdated out moded question of who am I? On looking at the innocent infant I realized how futile is is to keep
on playing this charade of proving to oneself that life has anything more than it really is.But true to this blog the moanin and groanin has to go on despite all the trippings and the short term comforts or vacations. The human mind has to be put to the grind if it is to stay sharp and healthy otherwise it will end up petrified and age sets in in its glory of decadence and despair. Most people that i have met and talked to of my age are now turned to God as their center of attention. The Preparation for the after life has long since bean for them and it has kept them well safe and sound from any form of mental dellusions or grandiose unattainable dreams. For me i am still floating along among the flotsam of human misserries and self doubts, I have yet to find and anchor for my soul to latch on to as a final stage before the next phase of its journey. I am still caught in my own self made self created dellusions which I had hoped would be the source to answers that i seek to the questions I had earlier on asked of myself with regard to my own existance.
It took the historical Buddha over forty years to discover his answers after undergoing numerous forms of transformations physically mentally and spiritually before he could claim to have attained to liberation, I have hardly begun. I am your average backslider, I give up and give in too easy and compromised my way through life whenver it is the better means. I have become a coward in my old age and no more care for the rebeliousness of my spirit like it once was used to. I fear what is to come and for what was already instead of facing what is and making the best of the moment as my son once mentioned...Carpe Diem!!!
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