Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
A Christmas Eve not easy to forget.
Yea, as I walk through this highway of life, let no negative thoughts feelings and perceptions stand in my way.
Let not all those whose negative thoughts, vibes and intentions burden me with guilt and fear.
Let no thoughts of mine be laced with negative intentions towards others and myself.
Let me be free from all the suffering of humanity and yet empathize
towards those who suffer in my own way.
I call upon You my Lord to allow me to be who I am and my redemption be true and just.
I humble myself before Your Will in all that I do and find the Grace to carry out my life to the end with Your Blessings.
Your servant.
Amen.
What I woke up with this morning as I sat in meditation on my bed. I have lived life to the best or worse of my ability and have been through heaven and hell in every moment often with complete realization. I am still carrying many old twisted karma and perhaps still creating new ones but, "all in all" as song goes, "the rain will fall, like tears from the sky. All in all the rain will say, how fragile we are...how fragile we are," (Sting). It was the Christmas eve of 1990 and I had just finished a job of cleaning the inside of a vacuum truck containing slurry of cement mixed with sand that had been sucked into the vacuum tank by mistake. This would have ended with the loss of few thousand dollars worth of equipment had the content not been emptied before the cement sets to dry. With a handful of my fellow employees we worked all evening emptying the vacuum truck with the help of a Vector truck, picks and shovels. We completed the tiresome task before sunset at H&H Ship Services, on the water front of San Francisco.
My late wife was pregnant and had left for Illinois to celebrate Christmas with her parents and thus I was left alone to usher in the Christmas eve, I walked all the way to Market Street from where I worked and along the way spotted a small grocery store still opened and bought me a whole piece of chicken and a bottle of wine among other things to make my Christmas dinner. As I stood with these groceries in my hands on the curb of Market Street at Folsom waiting for the Haight Street bus I watched people milling all over the area headed for their homes or simply doing their last minute shopping. I was very tired but I felt fine having saved a vacuum truck from being rendered useless; I was the Yard Boss after all and it was my duty. I felt.
Then I noticed a homeless elderly man in his late fifties or early sixties sitting on slab with is body half on the slab while the other was hanging and kicking like he was having a heat attack. It happened before, this being in the 'Twilight Zone' feeling, as time seemed to have slowed down and all sound evaporated around me an my eyes were glued to this man struggling by himself clutching his huge chest. I walked over to him like in a dream and sat down my groceries and attended to him as I watched his large hand clutched in a ball while another grabbing at his chest. Not knowing what else to do I started massaging his chest and moved close to his face whispering to him to relax and breath. I noticed his saliva was dripping mixed with blood and he was in tremendous pain if not frightened. I kept massaging his chest while talking to him and I heard someone standing beside shouting Jesus this and Jesus that while another shouted, shut the fuck up and let the man do his thing. As I finally broke my physical contact with the man I felt his heart beat at the tip of my fingers.
After a while i noticed the man unclenched his fist and his body began to drop on to the slab like he was getting better and as i was still doing this I noticed a pair of boots beside me and the owner was a cop who said please stay with him till ambulance got there. When the man was himself I got up and walked away not looking back and as I walked away to the bus stand i noticed the sound and buzz of life started to come back in my senses. I got on the bus and headed home. While walking to my apartment at 91 Haight Street, I noticed a young man laying all curled up in a corner of a porch trying to fall asleep in the cold. I approached him and handed him my bottle of wine, "Here this should help to keep you warm." I told him and left him with some change I had in my pocket. It all happened like i was sleep walking the whole time until I sat in my room. it hit me how alone I felt on that Christmas Eve, but I had a bed and a whole piece of chicken to celebrate with that evening. But for the Grace of God it could have been me lying on that slab off Market Street or lying there in the cold on a porch with nothing to look forward to and no one to share with.
Such Is! Such Is. Heaven and Hell is right where you are if your mind is fully conscious and receptive, you do not have to wait for the afterlife.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Let not all those whose negative thoughts, vibes and intentions burden me with guilt and fear.
Let no thoughts of mine be laced with negative intentions towards others and myself.
Let me be free from all the suffering of humanity and yet empathize
towards those who suffer in my own way.
I call upon You my Lord to allow me to be who I am and my redemption be true and just.
I humble myself before Your Will in all that I do and find the Grace to carry out my life to the end with Your Blessings.
Your servant.
Amen.
What I woke up with this morning as I sat in meditation on my bed. I have lived life to the best or worse of my ability and have been through heaven and hell in every moment often with complete realization. I am still carrying many old twisted karma and perhaps still creating new ones but, "all in all" as song goes, "the rain will fall, like tears from the sky. All in all the rain will say, how fragile we are...how fragile we are," (Sting). It was the Christmas eve of 1990 and I had just finished a job of cleaning the inside of a vacuum truck containing slurry of cement mixed with sand that had been sucked into the vacuum tank by mistake. This would have ended with the loss of few thousand dollars worth of equipment had the content not been emptied before the cement sets to dry. With a handful of my fellow employees we worked all evening emptying the vacuum truck with the help of a Vector truck, picks and shovels. We completed the tiresome task before sunset at H&H Ship Services, on the water front of San Francisco.
My late wife was pregnant and had left for Illinois to celebrate Christmas with her parents and thus I was left alone to usher in the Christmas eve, I walked all the way to Market Street from where I worked and along the way spotted a small grocery store still opened and bought me a whole piece of chicken and a bottle of wine among other things to make my Christmas dinner. As I stood with these groceries in my hands on the curb of Market Street at Folsom waiting for the Haight Street bus I watched people milling all over the area headed for their homes or simply doing their last minute shopping. I was very tired but I felt fine having saved a vacuum truck from being rendered useless; I was the Yard Boss after all and it was my duty. I felt.
Then I noticed a homeless elderly man in his late fifties or early sixties sitting on slab with is body half on the slab while the other was hanging and kicking like he was having a heat attack. It happened before, this being in the 'Twilight Zone' feeling, as time seemed to have slowed down and all sound evaporated around me an my eyes were glued to this man struggling by himself clutching his huge chest. I walked over to him like in a dream and sat down my groceries and attended to him as I watched his large hand clutched in a ball while another grabbing at his chest. Not knowing what else to do I started massaging his chest and moved close to his face whispering to him to relax and breath. I noticed his saliva was dripping mixed with blood and he was in tremendous pain if not frightened. I kept massaging his chest while talking to him and I heard someone standing beside shouting Jesus this and Jesus that while another shouted, shut the fuck up and let the man do his thing. As I finally broke my physical contact with the man I felt his heart beat at the tip of my fingers.
After a while i noticed the man unclenched his fist and his body began to drop on to the slab like he was getting better and as i was still doing this I noticed a pair of boots beside me and the owner was a cop who said please stay with him till ambulance got there. When the man was himself I got up and walked away not looking back and as I walked away to the bus stand i noticed the sound and buzz of life started to come back in my senses. I got on the bus and headed home. While walking to my apartment at 91 Haight Street, I noticed a young man laying all curled up in a corner of a porch trying to fall asleep in the cold. I approached him and handed him my bottle of wine, "Here this should help to keep you warm." I told him and left him with some change I had in my pocket. It all happened like i was sleep walking the whole time until I sat in my room. it hit me how alone I felt on that Christmas Eve, but I had a bed and a whole piece of chicken to celebrate with that evening. But for the Grace of God it could have been me lying on that slab off Market Street or lying there in the cold on a porch with nothing to look forward to and no one to share with.
Such Is! Such Is. Heaven and Hell is right where you are if your mind is fully conscious and receptive, you do not have to wait for the afterlife.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I am not sorry to be who I am.
Like it really matters what others like to read about what you write! Damn sometimes I get lost in my perception of why I write this Blog that it becomes the block or so called mental block. This is how my mind functions often times like it would go on and on on why at certain times on certain topics I would get so much hits and then at other times on a totally different topic and I would loose all my readers, like it really matters. It used to be and perhaps still is that when I paint or do any kind of art i would practically have my twin brother and his wife perched over my shoulders passing comments and often not too friendly ones. Like it mattered what they think and it happened over the years ever since I can remember; its an illness is all I can say. The need to please others, to prove that I am good at what I do and especially to those who are closely related to me but out to cut me to pieces every chance they get for one reason or another. Even as i am writing or have been over the years when I started this Blog. I am still being shadowed by my eldest brother who was at one time my English teacher at my secondary school. Back when nothing I wrote ever pleased him and every chance he got he would chastise my work, perhaps it was for the good, but it still don;t feel positive.
So here I am at the wee morning hours in my seventieth year of my life still feeling like I have to be pleasing a few key characters in my life who in the past and still perhaps takes me for lesser a person than who I am; this is sick! I have endured and still am carrying this crap on my shoulders like a rotting albatross never been able to shake it loose and I am sure the feeling is mutual as to date we unresolved issues between us that has kept us apart as brothers. As always I would go on writing about this trying to justify myself as to why I deserve their frown and end up telling that I love them none the less as I have done on many occasions making this Blog entries in the past. The truth is, it does not work, I still cannot shake off this feeling being belittled or look down upon and it seems like I am having to carry it to my grave.
Enough is enough. I am through carrying this guilt feelings and I hope that for whatever it is worth by exposing these feelings out in the open it would help me to unburden my mind from being haunted by those who has passed harsh judgments and criticism of my character in the past, present and perhaps into the future. I have earned my rights of passage not to feel like a victim of my own siblings and those who have the same ire towards me and my ways. I never claimed to be a perfect man by a long shot and yes perhaps deserves most of what i have been accused of, sorry I am, but sorry is never good enough, it is like I need to keep falling flat on my face before I can earn their forgiveness if not respect. Knowing the fingers that have been pointing at me are far from perfect themselves, all i can say now is fuck it! What is done is done and i cannot change the past but I can unload the crap I have in my mind today and walk on for what it is worth so I do not have to keep apologizing to myself for whatever wrong i have committed.
I have been posting this Blog over ten years now partly also as a catharsis with the hope that i can clean up my negative past experiences involving others. I have in so many words been apologizing to one and all those I have wronged, but this morning I am through feeling sorry and for whatever good it may do to my mind and spirit, I am moving on. This is as my Lord is my witness, the end game, no more carrying of dead carcasses on my back. I purify myself from this feeling of being a terminal sinner, I free myself from my mental crucifixion. If I have to pay for my sins I accept it as my karmic consequences and will be reborn as whatever I am deserving of, or spend my time in hell; I am done apologizing to humans. This delusion has been my cancer virus that I eradicate with pure consciousness of knowing who I am or die from it willingly without remorse.
I am Whole,
Complete and Perfect,
Strong and Powerful,
Loving and Compassionate,
Harmonious and Happy.
I am the Soul, I am the Spirit.
and I can do what I Will to do, so help me, God.
So here I am at the wee morning hours in my seventieth year of my life still feeling like I have to be pleasing a few key characters in my life who in the past and still perhaps takes me for lesser a person than who I am; this is sick! I have endured and still am carrying this crap on my shoulders like a rotting albatross never been able to shake it loose and I am sure the feeling is mutual as to date we unresolved issues between us that has kept us apart as brothers. As always I would go on writing about this trying to justify myself as to why I deserve their frown and end up telling that I love them none the less as I have done on many occasions making this Blog entries in the past. The truth is, it does not work, I still cannot shake off this feeling being belittled or look down upon and it seems like I am having to carry it to my grave.
Enough is enough. I am through carrying this guilt feelings and I hope that for whatever it is worth by exposing these feelings out in the open it would help me to unburden my mind from being haunted by those who has passed harsh judgments and criticism of my character in the past, present and perhaps into the future. I have earned my rights of passage not to feel like a victim of my own siblings and those who have the same ire towards me and my ways. I never claimed to be a perfect man by a long shot and yes perhaps deserves most of what i have been accused of, sorry I am, but sorry is never good enough, it is like I need to keep falling flat on my face before I can earn their forgiveness if not respect. Knowing the fingers that have been pointing at me are far from perfect themselves, all i can say now is fuck it! What is done is done and i cannot change the past but I can unload the crap I have in my mind today and walk on for what it is worth so I do not have to keep apologizing to myself for whatever wrong i have committed.
I have been posting this Blog over ten years now partly also as a catharsis with the hope that i can clean up my negative past experiences involving others. I have in so many words been apologizing to one and all those I have wronged, but this morning I am through feeling sorry and for whatever good it may do to my mind and spirit, I am moving on. This is as my Lord is my witness, the end game, no more carrying of dead carcasses on my back. I purify myself from this feeling of being a terminal sinner, I free myself from my mental crucifixion. If I have to pay for my sins I accept it as my karmic consequences and will be reborn as whatever I am deserving of, or spend my time in hell; I am done apologizing to humans. This delusion has been my cancer virus that I eradicate with pure consciousness of knowing who I am or die from it willingly without remorse.
I am Whole,
Complete and Perfect,
Strong and Powerful,
Loving and Compassionate,
Harmonious and Happy.
I am the Soul, I am the Spirit.
and I can do what I Will to do, so help me, God.
Monday, December 16, 2019
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