Still Many Rivers to Cross..

What is the update in my personal life, my spiritual,psychological, physical as well social outlook these days? As always I fell a sense of lacking, not being active to my fullest and a feeling of stagnation. I feel like i am wasting every minute of my life over things that is beyond or beneath my concern in some circumstances, I feel trapped, my feet nailed to the floor. To me off course these are what i have always felt having lived for the past sixty years, life is lacking in one way or another, like something is always missing, incomplete; what is IT?

It is the grandest illusion, It is the gnawing yearn for something that is not there that which is in itself ungraspable but it is there sitting like a ache in the middle of the chest, sometimes It is worse in intensity than at other times. It is not pain but just a kind of numbness, a sadness. What is IT? It is like a knot, a tangle that is urging me to unravel before i exit this scenario of life itself. Despite all the indulgences and meeting most of my commitments and serving my resposibilities It still sit there, the sense of emptiness, the longing for something unknown. it is like looking for the conclusion to this lengthy blogging but not being able to put my finger on what it is.

The age old question is still valid even more so as I look back over the years of my 'self exile from life', "What am I here for?", or to be more precise, "Who am I?" I realize that none can give me these answers and that It will present Itself in due time perhaps at the end of my days. I thought I had found solace in the from of my religious discovery but this has been like a temporary opiate that has on many occaisions soothed my confused mind, I have practiced intense meditations daily but this too is another form of temporay relief that has bought small doses of peace when I needed it. I have many friends whose respect and companionship has eased my burden in my times of need along the way, but something is lacking, something larger than life for me personally. What is IT?

and the Buddha said, form is emptiness and emptiness is form...the same is true of thoughts, feelings, perceptions, impulses and conciousness...

An echo from the teachings of the Master ....
"Friend, I want to lay the foundation of Truth in your mind and heart. That is the work of life and therefore of the eternal. You have not so far been concerned with that foundation, you have not taken to heart and pondered over that Truth, you have all the time occupied yourself with the past, with small misunderstandings, with the corruption from obedience, with petty loyalties to individuals, with the adoration of passing mediators and gurus. Is it not better to seek the Life eternal that shall nourish you always, than to seek shelters that vary from moment to moment, inviting you to their decay and stagnation?
Friend, believe me, I am saying all this out of the fullness of my heart. Because I am in love with that life which is in everyone, I would free that life; but you do not want that, you want the passing love, the fleeting comfort and the balm that shall heal your momentary pain. You desire what you perceive, but if your perception is limited and conditioned, your desire will be the cause of your sorrow. But if your perception has no limitation, if it is beyond all beliefs and traditions, then your desire will have no limitations, it will be life itself. You are not in love with life; you are in love with the past, and life is not concerned with the past. Life, like the swift running waters, is always going forward and is never still and stagnant."
J.Krishnamurti

MCAT - Seminar

It was held at the Eastin Hotel adjacent to the Queensbay Mall here and it was a success in some ways as it brought together many of those who has the future of the Arts in their in their hearts. I made three proposals including one for LeeKhai who was not able to attend personally in the morning. All three proposals were accepted by those who were present and my graffiti art project was met with the most possibility. Now we sit and wait for the reaction of the tourism Malaysia to respond and how long that will take is anyone's guese.

My final observation, my last two cents worth made just before the closing of the event was to point out to the members present of the fact that they did not have to wait and hope for the outcome to be decided by the tourism department, however we should proceed and do what is necessary for things to happen on our own as it was the first time that we got together and among us we could make things happen. My perception is that art has taken the back seat all these while simply because we could never look beyond fundings and support from the government as such we often become a tool only to be sought after when needed. We had never had the opportunity to get together like we did to hash out our thoughts without placing our self interest ahead and the very commitment we made to be there was an indication that we cared about the future of art as a collective expression and is a potent one when religions and politcs are transcended. Those who are artists and those who support the arts are more often than not are creative thinkers and are more than capable to carry out any project we decied to embark upon. However it is our self serving interest that often stand in the way of accomplishing anything.

Malaysia Contemporary Art Tourism

On the 29th which is next week I will be giving a short talk on behalf of my brother Lee who could not make it to the seminar as a panel member. It is a privilege that is not an easy task as I have to make this short speech on the state of the contemporary Art scene here in Penang. I will be meeting Lee to discuss his ideas as to what he would like to be presented on his behalf, however having had to opportunity to sit with his at the Galeri Seni Mutiara yesterday for an opening there I have a glimpse of what he has in mind and in total agreement with it.

The whole idea of selling Contemporary Art as a tourism package is very good except first we have to sell the idea to the locals. If the mentality of the locals lacks awareness and support for the Art scene here selling it to the tourists would be like selling paintings brought in from China or Thailand and it would not make much difference to the locals so long as it sells. The loss here is the authenticity or genuine contemporary art works produced by the local artists. Hence, in the long run it will also be a loss or erosion of the local creative movement resulting in no growth, no transcending thoughts and ideas emerging from the local artists.

Today more and more foreign artists are being promoted at local private as well state art galleries and it is understandably so as these galleries have pretty much run out of new talents among locals whose works can sell. On the other hand the artists themselves have receded into the background for one reason or another in silent protest. This protest is mainly due to the lack of recognition if not support of their works in terms of promotion from the institutions that are responsible for such undertakings. Most of these institutions favor international involvement assuming that it is what will promote art in this country at the expense of local talents. As an example, local art collectors would rather travel to foreign countries collecting artworks because it seems the thing to do as it reflects their wealth and sophistication to their friends and families here. There is very few if any foreigners who purchase local works at arts shows here I notice and hardly any corporate bodies have been seen involving in the support of the fine art through buying local art works for their premises. Most of these leaders of the private sectors running major companies and banks has no inclination nor the taste for art when it comes to the support of the artists. Most if you notice the works hanging on the wall would hang some cheap reproductions or posters imported to give the premise a sense of aesthetic awareness catering to the fine arts.

The love and respect i have for my brother Lee is because for one thing if you by chance visit his office you will find its walls are all covered with the extensive works of art collected over the years from local artists. it is more like and art gallery than the office of a law firm. here is a man who genuinely involve all his effort in promoting local art and artists as for every piece of work purchased means a support of the artist who created it. How many firms or individuals are this conscientious when it comes to playing the role of being a patron of the Arts in this state? When a society neglects its creative spirit which is is essence are the artists and creators of ideas, visionaries what results is the loss of what is genuine, original and creative. The society will in time end up in a state of mediocrity existing no more different than any other society competing to survive just for the sake of survival. There will be a lacking in the sense of pride and accomplishment for the whole and this will be the quality of product that is hoped to be shared with all those who come as visitors to the society.

Artists are the 'keepers' of a society's cultural heritage. Theirs are the minds that can deal with the woes of a society when others and all else fail as their minds are such that they become the conduit of communication beyond the use of words as they play the role of mediating between rational and the irrational. This quality in an artist is most often overlooked and unrecognized in our society. It is the artist that the down trodden and despaired often look to in order to find solace and comfort in not compassionate understanding as the artist is often times a good listener and accommodating in providing a buffer for the suffering of the disillusioned of a society and they do it naturally for free unlike the psychologist and psychiatrist. I many old cultures the artist were considered like a shaman of the society, one who was approached where religion, and psychology fail to perform. A drug user for example would sit and relate his story to and artist than he would to his own parents, a lawyer or a rehab councilor simply because of a feeling of this ancient trust in the man whose work is creativity and holds no other intention than to listen with no sense of judgement. Sadly artists of this magnitude are a rare specie too in our modern society as most have gotten caught up in the rat race of making it big financially if not in name.

In her book "Hanta-Yo", the author Ruth Beebee Hill depicted the main character in the epic story of a Native Amrican tribe as the one the tribe had elected as "The Shirt wearer". This character was almost as well respected as the chieftains when it came to making the major decissions involving the future of the tribe. he was by modern standard an artist who painted the designs and predicted the fate of his people through his intuition and visions. In this scenarion, the artist became the healer or the gaurdian of the society's psychic and emotional temprement. In our modern society the artist is often one who can paint and draw well especially if his or her works pleases the public and mosthave nothing more to offer for the benifit of the a healthy society.

In my experience the Japanese are most supportive of their Artist and those with highly creative minds, they revere those who can think and create out of the ordinary. having lived for three years in the country one of the most interesting discovery i made was the fact that the japanese educational system which was more into collective thinking and group process has changed into one that promoted individuality and self expression especially in the Arts. In an article i read in the Japan Times it was said that this change was due to the discovery made that japan was suffering from lack of originality and stagnation when it came to promotng new ideas and concepts.

"An artist's life is built on instinct and intuition. It is a life, which taps in to sensual energies - through all the senses - with the pain, the hunger and pleasures of life."


"Many artists and scientists of modern times have written about the moment of artistic activity when out of a vague creative mood there suddenly dawned, as though by illumination, the clear consciousness of the essential features of the projected work, as they have observed it in themselves."


'I have written... from immediate dictation, twelve or sometimes twenty or thirty lines at a time, without premeditation, and even against my Will; the time it has taken in writing was thus render'd non-existent. I am the secretary, the authors are in eternity,' stated William Blake, the poet (1757-1827).



These extraordinary occurences and illuminations are part and parcel of what is inherent within an artist's conciousness other than just the ability to create outstanding works of art. the artist in many cases were or are still conduits to spiritual as well as psycho-emotional energies which are expressed in the works. Most are able to share these processes when asked but many cannot as their means of understanding and communication is limited.

Whats the Plan?

The two previous entries were propossals to be presented at a seminar at the Eastin Hotel on the 29th. of this month. This seminar is organized by the Tourism department under the malaysia Contemporary Art Tourism program for the Penang state Government. I have had these ideas for quite sometime now along with a few others staged away at the back of my mind. Now that the opportunity to present them is made available i see no reason why I should not share my vision if it will help to enlighten a few spots around the island.

If these ideas are accepted it will give me something to work on for the next few months or even a year or two and not to mention the opportunity to leave behind a mark or two of my contribution as an artist born and raised on this island. It would be like a continuity of my father and grandfather having left theirs in their time. I am hoping that the wood sculpture project would receive positve response as it is something that will be unique as will have a very strong impact upon the Aesthetic as well educational value for both locals as well tourists in the long run. hanving discussed the idea with a few people who has in one or another knowledge related to this subject i received more positve support than negative feedback. A distant relative who was at one time attached to the forestry department offered to help if and when the time comes in making some connections so as to carry out the search for appropriate help and support and not tomention the timber itself. He thought it was a grand idea when i first related it to him.

Hasnul J.Saidon, the director of MGTF -USM was impressed with the idea that he immediately gave it the name 'Kayu Nusantara" which I interprete as the " Timbers of the Malay Archipelago.". he has already expanded the work to encompass neighboring countries such as Thailand and Indonesia.

It is hard to imagine what it would cost to extract a giant timber root from within the forest and locate it at the chosen site all cleaned up and primed like a finished sculpture. This root or stump could originate from the state of Sarawak or Sabah or even Java or Sumatra in Indonesia as part of the plan was to display as many different types of timber from the tropical rain forest areas as possible.The cost might seem astronomical if one think about it, however I believe in the magic of making things happen by willing it to happen. Firstly an viable idea has to happen no matter how grand it may seems and this idea has to made it a realization through constant visualization in mind and spirit. Secondly to put into motion the fruition of this idea through various means and people related to it; it has to be a collective effort. Communicating this idea to the right minds at the right time is crucial and to convince others of its feasibilty and greatness is paramount. For once you have achieved this the cost will somehow be negligible as the idea itself through its own merit will draw help and support from sources often times one least expect. When the Pharoah of ancient Egypt conceived the idea of building a pyramid I doubt that the cost of it came into the picture.
The Penang State Tourism Board
The MCAT working committee
The MPPP (Penang City CouncilCouncil)
The Various Forestry department (Of States)
The Penang Development Corporation
The Penang Heritage Board
The Various Logging Companies. (for assistance)
The various private sector companies (donations etc.)
These are some of the government as well non governmental bodies that can play a support role in implementing this project as it benifits each and everyone in various ways. If approached in a proper manner they will be resourcefull in getting the job done.
God willing this project will happen and it will have an impact upon the Tourism Industry in the state if not in the country.

Kayu Nusantara. (Timbers of Nusantara)

Project Proposal for MCAT (Malaysia Contemporary Art Tourism)
Kayu Nusantara
Environmental Sculpture
Presented by; Shamsul Bahari

Re; Landscape Installation cum Museum of Tropical Rain Forest

Objective;
The proposal is directed at establishing an area of “Natural Wood related sculptures” catering both towards an added source of tourism attraction as well as an environmental preservation initiative related to the tropical rain forest of this country.

The primary focus of this proposal is to gather as many timber roots or buttresses belonging to the more common trees found and used from the Malaysian rain forest For example these roots can be from that of a Chengal or a Meranti or a Tembusu etc. As the Malaysian tropical rainforest is home to some of the most diverse species of timbers, acquiring these would not be a problem.

It is inevitable that the involvement of various government agencies and departments related to Forestry in providing assistance with the implementation of this project The choice of timber and its passage of delivery the research of each and every timber brought on site such that these information will be provided along with the finished piece. Each state through its related department will choose the most common timber from their locality and ship it to the site location as a part of a collaborative effort in realizing this project.

Timbers companies too may be invited to contribute toward this effort as in the form of providing the transportation in getting the timbers from their sources to the site area as these companies have excess to all that is needed to perform this task.

As there are thirteen states in the country hopefully there would be at least thirteen initial pieces of representational timbers on site as a beginning for the project.

The project venue:

Initially it was thought of the Botanical Gardens in Penang as a potential location for this project with the view that the sculptures being ‘Timber Related’ would enhance the natural surrounding of the Gardens. However as ideal as this site may seem for the purpose its size may be prohibitive for the purpose and the availability such site may draw too much political debate from the general public.

The second choice has been mooted to be a piece of flat area adjacent to the Teluk Bahang Dam and the Taman Rimba in Teluk Bahang. The land was a land fill at one time and is presently not being used for any project that we know of. The location is ideal as it is located along the coastal area with the sea as its backdrop. As it is an open space it would also be an ideal location for the sculptures to be viewed without any obstruction.

This location is also situated along the main tourism route around the Island where tourists frequents such as the beaches of Batu Ferringi and Tanjung Bungah.

Other locations may be suggested by the state government as the idea is being realized through meetings and deliberations as to the availability of such space adequate for its purpose.






Implementation;

Gathering of the timbers from various locations all over the country would require the collaboration of various government forestry departments primarily with the support from the tourism departments. This would require the involvement of an influential body of committee members with the authority to persuade such agencies to participate. (eg. The Vice Chancellor, Government Ministers of Tourism and various Head of Departments.) This project would have to be made to be a joint effort of all parties involved such as the various states forestry department heads.
Timber logging companies can be utilized through the government heads to provide the removal and delivery of the chosen tree trunk with the supervision of and advice from an artist as to the choice to ensure that the choice is of aesthetic quality when put to display.
The designated area when finally chosen will be prepped to receive these timbers as for example the laying of concrete flooring and supports where necessary according to the sculptor’s design.
The pieces will be arranged in such a manner as to follow the map of Malaysia with each sculpture arranged to coincide with the state it originated from.
Upon arrival the timbers will be further prepared to ensure its life span as well as beautification and uniqueness in style of sculptural display.
Once the process is completed plaques and various informational items will be installed to commemorate as to its origin and donors.

Most of this information are readily available in identifying the timbers along with detailed description or their genealogical history and so forth. With the involvement of various institutions related to the forestry department the sculptures can become a multi faceted source of information for the general public as well as the tourists from all over the world.


Personal Note;

My main intention of making this proposal is to establish a venue whereby Art and its Aesthetic values can be made to collaborate along with the promotion of an Environmental Awareness and preservation especially in our rich heritage of the Tropical Rain Forest. It will also be the first of its kind in the country if it is being done on the scale that I have envisioned. I see this project at a later period to encompass the timbers from neighboring countries such as Indonesia, Thailand, Burma and so forth.

It is also my intention to create an opportunity for local Malaysian wood related sculptors to be involved in this project as a venue for their contribution and participation is designing and providing ways and styles of displaying these intended sculptures. These artists can be chosen each as representative from their native state. This will help for the preparation of the pieces before they arrive at the site.

Details as to the execution of this project will be deliberated by a formed committee and its success will depend on how smoothly and well organized the project is carried out.

The Penang City Stadium

Project Proposal for MCAT (Malaysia Cotemporary Art Tourism)

presented by Shamsul Bahari

Graffiti (singular: graffito; the plural is used as a mass noun) is the name for images or lettering scratched, scrawled, painted or marked in any manner on property. Graffiti is any type of public markings that may appear in the forms of simple written words to elaborate wall paintings. Graffiti has existed since ancient times, with examples dating back to Ancient Greece and the Roman Empire.[1] In modern times, spray paint, normal paint and markers have become the most commonly used materials. In most countries, defacing property with graffiti without the property owner's consent is considered vandalism, which is punishable by law. Sometimes graffiti is employed to communicate social and political messages. To some, it is an art form worthy of display in galleries and exhibitions; to others it is merely vandalism. Graffiti has since evolved into a pop culture existence often related to underground hip hop music and b-boying creating a lifestyle that remains hidden from the general public.[2] Graffiti can be used as a gang signal to mark territory or to serve as an indicator or "tag" for gang-related activity. The controversies that surround graffiti continue to create disagreement amongst city officials/law enforcement and graffitists looking to display their work in public locations. There are many different types and styles of graffiti and it is a rapidly developing artform whose value is highly contested, being reviled by many authorities while also subject to protection, sometimes within the same jurisdiction.

The primary intention of this proposal is to add more color and excitement to the surrounding walls of the Penang City Stadium. The wall which runs almost parallel to Perak Road from Dato’ Keramat Road to the Sungai Pinang River is presently needs a facelift badly and with this proposal it is hoped that it will brighten up the area around the ‘Astaka and the parking lot.

It will also be and added tourist attraction along with the Lorong Kulit and Rumah P.Ramlee. It will act as an added incentive for tourist to visit the area in addition to the two tourist destinations.
With a little investment the project can be turned into an international event where outstanding contemporary graffiti painters can be persuaded to participate in showcasing their works. Such artists may come from neighboring countries like Thailand, Singapore and Indonesia. Local artist may also participate through various schools and institutions,colleges and universities. This project will help to promote awareness in artistic expressions among the younger generation in this country and it will be the first of its kind here.

Venue;
The Penang City Stadium surrounding walls is in dire need of a facelift and as such this project will be hitting two birds with one stone for rather than a regular white wash the walls can become a work of art.
The food court or Astaka on Perak Road will also benefit by this project as it will bring more traffic into the area.
It is also observed that the stretch of road running parallel to the river and stadium wall towards the Lorong Kulit entrance can also be included in this scope of upgrading and beatification of the general stadium area. This can be done by erecting a low wall along the river bank which will also hide the unsightly river bank across. With proper landscaping the strip can be turned into a decent walk way to view the works on the walls.

Proposal of Subject/ Themes;
This can be made by an organizing committee elected to carry out the project supervision. The One Malaysia Theme is one good example or an international theme that is universal in message such as World Peace. Sport related themes may also be an alternative as it will enhance the function of the stadium.
Artists will be the freedom to express in their own styles but will be advised as to what can and cannot be portrayed so as to discourage offensive symbols and designs.

Implementation;

An organizing committee is to be elected representing all the pertinent parties involved and this would include the MPPP, the Stadium Management Agency, The Penang Tourism Board member, Interested Artists and so forth.
A course of action will be mapped out to avoid any impediment due to unforeseen circumstances before actual work is carried out.
Interested Artists and parties will be required to submit their intended ideas or designs for approval by a selecting committee.
It would be an impetus to attract participation in the project by providing incentives in the form of competitions and awards.

Staging, tools and materials will be provided according to the need of the artists and safe work rule will be observed.
The comfort and convenience of the participants will be cared for to enable them to perform at their maximum.
As the event will undoubtedly attract many onlookers and tourists included proper care will be taken to ensure that no traffic related incidents takes place during this time.
Details as to whether the participants will receive any allowances and provided with food and beverages for the duration of their work will be deliberated by the working committee.

Personal Note;

It is my content that if the project is being carried with utmost careful planning and least of government bureaucratic interference, the Penang State will stand to benefit in many ways once it is completed.
For one, it can be claimed as the longest Graffiti painted wall in the country.
It will also uplift and enhance the general area around the City Stadium.
Graffiti is appealing to the younger generation and thus will attract them towards being more creatively involved with the society in general.

I also envision the vast parking lot area turned into one form of art related activity or another such as live performances on weekends including break dancing and skateboarding. This can happen when there is no activities is happening in the stadium itself, like soccer and so on.

The choice between Dubai and Ho Chi Min City.

The pilot in Dubai wants us to celebrate XMas with him at his new home. I could not ask for more than to see all my children together under one roof at least for once in my lifetime. It is a wish any father would hope for to happen as it would be the climax to what has been over the years between each of them growing up apart from each other and coming from three different mothers.

If this could happen than Christmas of 2010 will be a hallmark event of the Bahari family and more than one way it help to create a new era in their interrelationship with one another into the future even when I am no more around. It is my hope that my children will someday develop a close knit relatioship such that those who have will support those who may need without having any sense of giving or receiving, to support eachother selflessly, unconditionally. It is a a tall order to hope for, however if all my children are what they are and if they had been following their father's approach to life, nothing is impossible for them collectively. I did not honestly and truthfully kept tis blogging for posterity or the universal public consumption nor is it for my personal agrandisement but all these years of my lame effort at putting down my thoughts and fancies was to hand down a blueprint to my children of what can be an option in their lives when i am dead and gone.

This day and age of Information Technology, where messages can be at one's fingertips and sharing of it can happen at a split second over great distances it would be a grave and wastefull error not to take advantage of its vast possibilities. Transcending individual idiosycracies and limitting tendencies that we humans inherit, so much can be accomplish through wise and smart use of what has been laid out for those who can see and act accordingly. So it is my hope that after exposing all my strength and weaknesses, my faults and wisdom, my experiment with life, that my children will learn how to come to an understanding of their own and make wise choices in their lives. As 'charity begins at home or who is most closest to you', it is my hope that all four of my children can collaborate among themselves and collective strive towards achieving a common success.

My idea about a bicycle trip from Penang to Ho Chi Min City along with my younger friend and fellow artist, Shaparin and taking my son along is with the hope that the trip can act as a catalyst for all of us to discover further who we are and what our potential can be in the face of the various hardships that we may encounter along the journey. This is more so for my son who seem to have no hope of discovering his potential and going through a crisis of identity. it is also for me the effort to continue my life's work as an artist journalist and spiritual seeker keeping to the format of sketching and writing as i take to the road. I have always dreamt of discovering the cultural landscape of the South East Asian countries such Thailand and the Indo China countries of Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam and perhaps later God willing Miyamar. This would add to my nkowledge and experiences of other countries i have already traversed and documented.
it has always been my believe that a man has to have vison if not a dream in life to fullfill so that one is not left with the vacuum state of boredom and lack of desire to strive and prevail over a mediocre existence. My goal has always been a journey towards self discovery in all its forms albeit physica, mental or spiritual. This journey is yet another undertaking to fullfill this goal before i am incapable of doing so due to old age.

Where do I draw the Line?

Last night or very early this morning I had a blowout with my son Karim who is now nineteen going on twenty? It has been in the making for a very long time but I have been keeping it under the lid believing in his capacity to live and learn. But too bad I misjudged my son assuming that he has more to offer than an arrogant, self centered and ungreatful attitude of your average teenager who is approaching adulthood.
I was pissed and grabbed him by his neck ready to land a punch had he made any wrong moves to further fuel my anger unleashed. All he said was "I dont Care!!" I wanted to yell into his face that that was all his attitude had been eversince... But it was in the wee hours of the morning and his sister dragged me away. I stepped outside and chained smoked trying to calm myself down and review the situation and all i could come up with was if he dont care why should I? or why should anyone for that matter? Caring is one hell of a heavy trip to bear especially about someone you brought into the world changing his or her diapers from day one and still making sure that he or she has had dinner that evening at the age of 20!! Then they snap at you while talking to someone on the phone like," Shut up!!", which my daughter did while i was driving her to work. And now my son is showing his teeth all for the wrong reasons, all because i asked him to remove the dishes from the bedroom after we had our late dinner. Small matters can make souls burn in hell sometimes.

Karim is going through what most teenagers go through at his age and it is understably so as i too had passed through this passage and in comparisson his trip is much more sane than mine. I just have to learn to communicate with my son on his terms rather than impose my terms on him. It is not easy to grow into adulthood not knowing or having any sense of direction or definite goals, it can be frightening in these days and age and especially having a father like me! But I still have great faith in my son no matter and love him irregardless as i love all my children for whatever they may be worth. I can only hope that there will come a solution to his stagnation at present which is primarily what is the root cause of his rebelliousness.
It has been on my mind lately to up and continue on my journey free from any restrictions family or otherwise and I told my daughter while driving to work this morning that that day is drawing near. All my kids are adults now and can handle life on their own pretty much and i have put my life on hold for the last twenty years attending to being a family man meeting all my obligations as a father. I maintain that i am not the best of fathers but in the process of becoming one i have set aside my own life as i would have chosen to live had i no responsibilities to dwell upon. This I had done when I divorced my first wife and had to give up my first son, I knew the feeling then and now what it takes and what it had to offer in return...this freedom from CARE!!

About a week left of the Fasting Month?

Whats on the Burner?

During this fasting month alot of thoughts and ideas hav been flashing through my mind about what or how to keep my future fully occupied and productive other than sitting around and waiting for the next happening with the Art shows. I need to get a plan together so that my life will not slide into a rut too deep for em to dig out before i call it quits. I realize men of my age have very little time and fiscal advantages on our hands and so if anything is to be hacked out it has to been soon and without further ado.
My young artist friend Shaparin has been keeping me busy with all kinds of possibilites that i can look into in order to persue further what i have already set in motion years ago and that being a traveller artist cum writer of journals. he has been fueling my urge to hit the road again as we both have come to realize that I am at a point that i have to make a drastic choice in order to stay creative in the art scene. My last solo exhibition did not do so well as far as selling works went eventhough it had alot of positive responses from the visitors who were mostly foreigners. The local Penang Art Scene is predominantly Chinese dominated and the fate of Maly Artists like me lies in their support in one form or another. I have no hope whatsoever from the Malay community here as the Datuks and datins a re not into Arts or the Aesthetics far less taking a look into the fate of the local Malay Artists whose very existance is struggle for survival. Most Malay patrons if there are any, are more into offering lip services or how it could benifit themselves and their clubs or institution when promoting the Local Artists. What is worse most have even lost touch what the Fine Arts is all about! Whatever allocation made towards the promotion of the Fine Arts often got lost into the bureaucratic cracks where instutions like the Penang State Art gallery and the Tourism Board have made sure that their share is being taken care of for whatever they deem more profitable to serve their purposes.
The connectivity between Malay Artists and the local Institution such as the University Sains and other universities is practically non existant except when there is a need for Artists to display their works at the galleries. This is much deemed as the service these institutions have rendered to the local Artists for which they should be grateful for. Never has ther been an effort made to look further and deeper into the lives of the Artists to see how they fare day to day and what could be done to eleviate their livlihood. Most Malay artist that I have had the opportunity to team up with in Penang have long regarde the Governmental Institutions or other potential benifactors for them is never forth coming and they have to survive on their own.
Malay Artists in Penang wherever you can find them will not come up front and tell you that they are not making it and some will hide the turth to what or how they survive and very few in any really make it big time like their fellow contemporary artists in Kuala Lumpur. These artist also suffer from low self esteem and lack of confidence perhaps the result of the lack of support and the uncertainty of their future as full time artists. Self confidence and optimism is the crucial ingrediant in being an artist and lacking this slowly but surely kill the fire that burns the artistic passion to be creative. When this happens to the artists it is a matter of time before the decadence of society sets in like a process of petrification. Today most society has lost their sense of values in terms of what is real ans what is superficial when it comes to the Fine Arts. With the slow demise of true artistic talents through lack of support and care and consideration, the death of a healthy society is not too far behind. The role of the Artist as a creator, a record keeper and a neutral observer in the society is slowly becoming a thing of the past, shelved into the archaic wisdom of the ancient. Most contemporary artists today have become too engrossed in making it in the financial market or in making name for themselves through strong political connections and even nepotism. Those with strong financial backing strive to place their works into major shows and galleries even when their works are not up to par in the art world. It is not so surprising that successful artists like Latiff Mohideen refuses to have msuh to do with the contemporary art scene today unless there is mega bucks to be made. The criteria for what is Great Works of Art today is all too vague and anything and everything can be considered and is considered as work of art in Malaysia. It is pretty much on who dunnit and not what is really being done. The rites of passage in being an artist today is not in how long or how tedious a journey an artist had traversed in his quest to become recognized as a master but in where or who he studied and graduated under, what style and technique he had stumbled over that captured the intrest of those who patronised the art market. When asked to deliver a pseach or discuss their processes and intuitive lessons learned...nada!!
Needless to say the Art scene in Penang where the Malay Artists are concern, at least those who are not gainly employed as lecturers and teachers, are concern is abyssmal! I feel sad and sorry for myfellow artist who has done the damdest to survive as full time arists here and raise my hat to them for hav9ing survived thus far although not without help from their spouses, friends and relatives. It is so bad that to admit one as being a full time artist to someone is like admitting that one is unemployed.
So where do I go from here having thrown up all these negaitive vibes on what i is like on being a full time artist in this state of Penang. I need to walk away from where I am and take another look from the distance at the whole picture of what is transpiring in ans around the island and how it affects my life and my creativity. I have to step out of this box and revitalize my creative energy may even need to jump start it. Penang is slowly but surely choking me up and any sense of the will to transcend beyond what is will have to happen soon or i might as well join the dead artist society which I call the Penang Malay Artist Society.

A serious question...

My friend Shamsul Ikhmar asked a very serious question on behalf of his friend who is doing a theseis on the Malays in Penang... Are the Malays being marginalised here? I felt disinclined to share my thoughts at the time but told him to ask his friend to read my blog, perhaps she might find a piece or two on what I think of the ethnic situation here.
Off course the Malays here are being marginalised but before anyone jump into conclusion and misquote me let me continue on to say that, mostly by themselves and among themselves. The temptation to point the fingers at other races over the matter is easy but to admit ones own weaknesses as an individual as well as a society is a bitter pill to swallow. I read somewhere in an UMNO phamplet or was it one of USM's publication the the defination of a Malay today is something like, he who grew up among Malays, know only the one Malay culture that he grew up in and is a Muslim, something to that effect, which incidentally qualifies Tun Mahathir and a host of other Indian Muslims and people like me whose fathers' ancestry in Seri Lankan. But what is a true Malay? Perhaps those who live in the central heartland of Kedah, Perlis and the various other states like Kelantan and Terengganu. However even these when studied deeper into their ethnocentric history will uncover their origins as mostly from the Indonesian, and Thai ancestry. Only the aborigines or orang Asli can claim to be the real 'sons of the earth' as the Malay had claimed themselves to be, and these includes those living in the Sarawak and Sabah.

Malays in Penang were mostly from Indonesia, with the settlement set up before the British made their appearence. Tok Janaton and his brother made the settlement at Batu Uban and afew other places in and around the island, they became the Penang Malays. Later on came the indians and Chinese as indented labourers to the East India Company which latter saw the opportunity to take every bit of advantage especially of ignorance of the the Malay Rulers in Kedah to colonize the Island. The British were like a deadly parasite were always and will always be in human history and they who had nothing to offer in terms of natural resources took everything they could through threats and cunning adventures. What the British own till this day that had placed them as one of the super powers were no less than the product from highway robbery and piracy of which great movies were made to justify these.

The British had no love for the Malays beyond tolerance of the fact that they were an easy race to manipulate and succumb to the least of enticements, like give a Malay a title and he is the rooster in the village. Pay him a little more than the rest and he is one humble and faithful servant ready to serve to the death. But who is the Malay who is one hundred percent blue blood and cannot be denied his right as the sons of the earth? One has to find this character and pin the medal on him to indicate his status as the rightful owner of the land. He is out there make no mistake about it and it is in his nature to make no claims about his rights. those who make the most noises are usually those who has the least of right to this claim. I do not need to spellout who they are today but read and you shall see for yourself.

An so if you ask me are the Malays being marginalised here in Penang, I would have to say yes definitely so and they will keep on being so no matter who runs the government, the opposition or the Barisan Natsional. The original Penang Malays is a rare specie and most can be found deep within the few remnants of kampungs like in Balik Pulau and Telok Bahang areas, a small group fighting for their survival in the Tanjung To'Kong area and the Jelutong and Sungai Pinang areas. These will last till the MPPP decided that it is time to reclaim their rights to the land as handed to them by the British before they left the country. The MPPP is the the real landloards of Penang and everyone in their right mind and right position has their hand in the MPPP coffers in one form or another. The MPPP and the PDC are siblings in business of selling this island a piece at a time to the highest bidder and it is not limited to locals who join in the bidding. Would a true blue son of the earth sell his land and home for a profit? Not likely even if you are a Chinese or a Hindu born and raised here. a true Penangite would rather live in poverty than give up and inch of his land to someone else for any amount of money,at least we still have our own home our own heritage. But Penang is a merchandise today and fetch a top value in price in the international market it is destined to become another Singapore or Hong Kong all in good time.
Who stands to benifit from all these so called developments and sales? The Malays? Who the Malays where the Malays? The true Malays, not the 'half this half that' Malays. The Chinese and the Indians? None of the above as we are all vicitms of our own dellusions whcih comes in the form of Politics! We ares till being colonialized by the few who holds the key to the seat of power and holds a stranglehold on us through their pitching us one against another... if there is no problem lets create one kind of pitch. A lesson learned from the former colonizers... devide and rule only in a more subtle ways hardly recognizable. It is ironic that we hail ourselves a Heritage City while all we are doing is preseving the memory of our Masters, that we once were their indented slaves to the point that we could not have lived had it not for their being our masters.
Our forefathers sold out to the British everything worthy of our cultural and ethnic heritage to embrace theirs, the way of the West. Till this day we are still grovelling our way into trying to immitate their ways, always a step or two behind them in our effort to stay afloat in this world of globalization. Still the mental and physical slaves to their whims in the international scheme of things, beleiving that they have done us good and rightfully deserves to be honored if not respected.
We are a victim or our own dellusion, our own ignorance or who we are and who we could have become. We have sacrificed our nativity for the pittance thrown at us by those who kept us in bondage untill the Japanese decided that we should be freed from our shackles. But we were so engrossed by the so called good life under the colonial power that we would rather forget who we are and become what is expected of us to become. It is too late for what ifs and what could have been for us to ponder as our history has been and is still being written from the Western perspective. We have lost all our refferences other than that which has been set by the West and we ares till trying so hard to become the Malay, the Chinese and the Indians that we believe we are, what more we have become so obssesd with this ethnocentricity. We are back to our tribal ages where one tribe is pitted against another only now in a more politcally savey ways. We are no more free than our ancestors were, our minds are under the yoke of the Neo colonial era. We will always be puppets in the the scheme of life, our strings being pulled by the masters who lived on far distant shores our new masters.
So, Merdeka! lets celebrate our independance,our freedom from colonialism and mental dellusions, let us wake up once and for all and say hey! this is my land, my home, this will be my children's and theirs too, please make your second or third home somewhere else. You are not helpnig our economy but destroying our way of life, the very fabric of our society. Your prescence has made a handful wealthy but deprived the many their rights to live in the land they have called their own. Please look further than just what is there to be had for your comfort and benifit just because you can afford it, but look beyond, look at those your desires has helped to displace. Penang welcomes you and we bid you all the best while you are here, but leave in good faith and come back again dont get sucked into wanting more and more untill it becomes another lucrative investment to own a piece of the action here at the expanse of the people.
What has all these got the do with are the Malays being marginalized? You will have to seive through this blog and asnswer it for yourself as i am writing whatever that comes into my mind in the effort to ward off hunger and thirst in the month of ramadan.

Time After Time

Shamsul Ikhmal (MGTF- media dept.), made a Videoprofile of me doing a few of the things i do in my daily life these days and we tried to get it loaded onto the blog but failed. Its entitled Time after Time and the background theme song is of the same title. I was surprised when I first saw the video and felt strange looking at me on the TV screen at the Muzium Tuanku Fauziah at USM. I looked old and for the first time noticed this in myself. It also felt like i was looking at the very personality of my twin brother in every movement and action..scary!! My children loved it, all of them the ones here and the one in Switzerland. I dont think the one in Dubai has seen it yet or i would have heard of it from him one way or another. He has been very occupied lately as he had just moved from his apartment to a bungalow type housing for the Emerates Pilots, what a life!! and all he does is bitch and moan like his Dad. He had to move a salt water fish tank the size of a swimming pool and a home movie theatre that had all the comforts of a mini movie theatre and then some and now has reconstructed a new one which is even more grand and not to mention lugging all his Ice Hockey goal keeper equipments and finding storage rooms for them.

Ahh... such is life...who would have thought that my life would be so full of dichotomy and paradoxes. I may be relatively a poor sod financially but time and again i have to keep reminding myself of how wealthy i am when is comes to my life experiences and what i have to show for in terms of my children. I may not be the most well behaved and debonaire of a gentleman often times but i sure had my share of the ladies both here and in the west. I may not be the most pious or holy guaka molly of a seeker but i have had my share of temples and monasteries, Teachers and Gurus in my days on the road to becoming who I am in my spiritual quest. This reminds me of a news paper article i read a week or so ago of one of my former Buddhist teachers is visiting this Malaysia and it would be nice to see the old monk again not that he would remember me as the man he assigned his 'Bell Master' when he carried out a Vipassana retreat at Green Gulch Farm cum Zen Center in Sausalito, California. His name is Thich Nat Hahn and everyone called him Tay or Teacher in Vietnamese. He lives in france when he is not hopping around the world teaching his 'Mindfullness Walking Meditation' to the spiritually hungry like me and has a center of his own called Plum Village somewhere in France. I would not mind visiting this old master to say." Hi, you know you have helped to change my life!"

Thích Nhất Hạnh (pronounced [tʰǐk ɲə̌t hâːˀɲ] ( listen)) (born October 11, 1926) is a Buddhist monk, teacher, author, poet and peace activist now based in France.
He joined a Zen (Vietnamese: Thiền) monastery at the age of 16, studied Buddhism as a novice, and was fully ordained as a monk in 1949. The title Thích is used by all Vietnamese monks and nuns, meaning that they are part of the Shakya (Shakyamuni Buddha) clan.[1] In the early 1960s, he founded the School of Youth for Social Services (SYSS) in Saigon. This grassroots relief organization rebuilt bombed villages, set up schools, established medical centers, and resettled families left homeless during the Vietnam War.[2] He traveled to the U.S. to study at Princeton University, and later to lecture at Cornell University and Columbia University. His focus at the time, was to urge the U.S. government to withdraw from Vietnam. He urged Martin Luther King, Jr. to publicly oppose the Vietnam War; King nominated Hanh for the Nobel Peace Prize in January 1967. He created the (non-Zen) Order of Interbeing in 1966, establishing monastic and practice centers around the world. In 1973, the Vietnamese government denied Nhat Hanh permission to return to Vietnam and he went into exile in France. From 1976-1977 he led efforts to rescue Vietnamese boat people in the Gulf of Siam.
Nhat Hanh has become an important influence in the development of Western Buddhism.[3][4] His teachings and practices aim to appeal to people from various religious, spiritual, and political backgrounds, intending to offer mindfulness practices for more Western sensibilities. As of 2007, he has been based at the Plum Village Monastery in the Dordogne region in the South of France [2], travelling internationally to give retreats and talks. He coined the term Engaged Buddhism in his book Vietnam: Lotus in a Sea of Fire.[5] A long-term exile, he was given permission to make his first return trip to Vietnam in 2005 and has returned regularly since.[6] He was awarded the Courage of Conscience award in 1991.[7]
Nhat Hanh has published more than 100 books, including more than 40 in English. A journal for the Order of Interbeing, The Mindfulness Bell, is published quarterly which includes a Dharma talk by him. Nhat Hanh continues to be active in the peace movement, promoting non-violent solutions to conflict.[8] He has also been featured in many films, including The Power of Forgiveness showcased at the Dawn Breakers International Film Festival[9].

Yes i had the opportunity to sit before this monk for seven days at a retreat and got to know him as much as he got to know me. Sometime on the fifth or sixth day of the meditation retreat I got tired and decided to play hooky and kept myself in bed instead of joining the meditation in the Zendo (Meditation Hall) where some seventy od people from all over the SanFrancisco Bay Area as well as those from as far as Germany and other countries to join in the retreat. I had a dream and in it I found myself sittin in a corner more like hiding or the Green Gulch Valley which runs it way all the way to the Pacific Ocean at Muir beach. I decided to give a 'Kia' or yell from the depth of my being, the pit of my stomach where my Chi rested and called out in Japanese "Uma'!!!" (means Horse) sedning my energy all the way across the valley at the low hills across from where I was hiding and where usually there were horses grazing along them. (In wakeful state my japanese friend Tsuyoshi Miyoshi and i would do this to challenge who could do it loud enough to stopp the horses from eating and raise their heads startled. That was what I was doing in my dream.
Then to my horror I saw the whole hillside streched in front of me began to shiver and shook and within minutes the part that reaches the sea began to crumble and sank into the waters! I said OO Shit! Now I have done it! Blanch (Blanch Hartmant) and Paul, (Paul Discoe) will chew my uts off!! However somewhere in my mind my little friendly voice was saying look at how ignorant you are, you are scared of these what these Practice Teachers can do to when you have the power to move mountains!! I snapped! I jumped out of my futton and dashed out of the gaitan ( living quarters of what ussed to be for cattles) and made for the Big Boncho bell. Grabbing the huge wooden striker i swung and struck the bell sending beautiful bell tones across the valley all the way to the ocean. I struck it seven times in a long sequence as we have been taught to strike to make a great impact. Then I went back to my little room and layed down. There i told myself quietly, i have got rid of my paranoia about being punished and turned away from my sense of comfort and security, let the worse come.
Sure enough after a while a gentle knock on the door and it opened slowly a little and the face of Paul peekd in funny with its thick round glasses that made his eyes twice their normal sizes and the bald head, "Sham! how are you doin? Are you Okay? Take a good rest and join us when you can.." He closed the door and was gone. The sitting session ended in the Zendo and everyone headed for breakfast. Everyone were silent at the Kitchen Table when i walked in, a few smiled and got back to eating the breafast 'minfully' as it was a 'Silent'Practice period, like no talking unecessarily. Thank God or the Buddhas i told myself for little practice favours. After the breakfast we had a short break and while walking back to our rooms a few of my friends walked up to me ans said thanks Sham! Bowed and walked away. One or two said hey man softly that was great! I began to feel funny at all these gratefullness what have I done? They were supposed to yell at me or threaten me! A day ort wo latter after the practice period of the Vipassana retreat I learned howed i had "awakened" a few sleepy heads who were having the toughest time keeping themselves from falling asleep or keeping their minds from wanting to give up from the physical torture of the six days of sitting meditation.
Later on when we sat in the Library to have 'tea' with Tay and a dharma talk, Thich Naht Hahn said to me, "So you like to ring bells do you?" in his small melodious Vietnamese voice." Well I have a job for you, duirng my talks as of now, you will ring the bell every fifteen minutes at which everyone will cease all thoughts and take a few deep breaths to return to their awareness like fully enjoying eating the tangerine or sipping this tea! You are my Bell Master!"

The Incorrigible Mind

1.
not corrigible; bad beyond correction or reform: incorrigible behavior; an incorrigible liar.
2.
impervious to constraints or punishment; willful; unruly; uncontrollable: an incorrigible child; incorrigible hair.
3.
firmly fixed; not easily changed: an incorrigible habit.
4.
not easily swayed or influenced: an incorrigible optimist.
–noun
5.
a person who is incorrigible.

Thats what the dictionary said about the meaning of the word incorrigible and that was what one of my girlfriends accused me of when i was dating her in Green Bay, Wisconsin. She was no ordinary person and alot smarter than me to the point of being the assistant Dean of Students at the campus while i was there and also the International Student Coordinator. She tried her best to straighten my head but I failed her and till now the word incorrigible still reminds me of Bare Foot Lizzy. Whereever you are Liz, thank you and God bless your kind heart. last i heard she was headed to become a lawyer in DC so, I better remain on her good side!!

Yes many have accused me of being incorrigible and I most probably deserved it as I sometimes can get others pissed off with my ways. The problem with me was and maybe still is, is that it comes to me quite naturally, like out of the blue I can turn into a 'prick'. This might even surprise myself when it happens and happened it did on many occaisions and many lost great relationships. It seemed like when things got to the point of being real cozy and comfortable i would tilt the table and spill shit all over, doing it almost on purpose. This was one of the ugly steak i had especially when i was smoking marijuana, my favorite drug in the old days. Thats the curse of being an addict it gets you high and so high that you tend to forget the ground you walk on, the people who cared for you, often dragging them down with you. I was an addict for many years living in the United States, I experimented with my head or so i beleived.
I once sat on the desk in front of ninety students in a lecture hall and smoked 'pot' and aftert that gave a lecture on the pros and cons of a permanent and a temporary 'high'. It was in a class called 'Interpersonal Communication' ran by Prof. Jack Frisch, (he must be retired or dead by now so..).
Jack every so often would invite me to talk to his class for whever reason he had about my views about life and so there i was sitting in one of the cubicles taking a crap at the Studio of Fine Arts section of UWGB, thinking what in the worlld was i going to talk about the next morning at Jack's class. being done with my job I reached for the toilet paper and as i pulled on the roll something dropped to the floor bouncing all over the tile floor. I reached down and grabbed it and found that i was staring at a ceramic bowl or pipe for smoking pot. Yes someone had a few tokes in the toilet while taking a crap and left his bowl on the toilet paper, what a 'high!' I took the bowl home and bought me a stash of weed, boughts some Hindu inscense and borrowed a Ravi Shankar album with some classical sitar music on it. Took it all to the lecture hall the next morning and told jack i needed a record player for my lecture and also have some incense lighted around the room while i gave my talk. jack was the kind of guy who was game for anything out of the ordinary.
When the class was full i sat cross legged on the table got out the bag of stash and the pipe and started filling the bowl and lit it up. There was a mixed response from the students some giving a loud expression of shock and some who laughed no knowing why. I lit up the bowl and started enjoying my smoke, played the Ravi Shankar and distributed the incense to the four corners of the room. After I felt comfortable and reliefed that i was not being booted out of the hall or assisted by the security out of the building I proceeded to give my lecture. I talked for over tow hours on the virtues of a Permanent high verses a temporary one beginning with how i found the pipe in the man's room. Throughout my lecture I noticed only one student stood up and walked out at the beginning of the talk. late many of the students met me in the hallway to the Rathskeller expressed their appreciation of what i was trying to share with them and it included Jack who shook his head sideways and said one of these days Sam, you are going to get me in trouble, thank you.From that day on I had many students approached me to learn how to sit and meditate.

Dadaji- another great mind

Don't you bother yourself with virtue and vice. They are all mental constructions and have nothing to do with Him, the Infinite Ocean of Love. They are just actions and reactions ruling mental function. The entire world process is One. Only you take it in fragments.
"You are a role set by the Great Designer. Do play your part well, alive to the fact that you do whatever He chooses you to do. He is the Pilot of your life and you have come here at His Will to taste of His overflowing Love.
"Flow with the stream of life, without attempting to stem its tide. You are One with Him and yet separate so that you may Love-Play with Him. You can miss this Supreme Relish only if ego is allowed to wallow in self-importance. So, merge yourself into His All-engrossing Love."So goes his reassuring message. He goes even beyond, from Love-Play to pure Consciousness and then on to the Void of structureless Integral Existence. But, he repeatedly comes down to draw his brethren into his arms. He continues his liberating message:
"No human being can ever be a Guru. The Mahanam, which is your True Self, is the only Guru. You have come here wedded to that Mahanam, which is the Life Principle at the source of your respiration and is the warp and woof of all Creation.
"Submit to Him in love and confidence. Shake off all shackles of superstitions and taboos. Don't go against your nature. Let your inner drives lead your sense organs wherever they will. Be a passive spectator of the drama.
"No asceticism, no austerity, no penance, no physical calisthenics, no mechanical muttering of mystic syllables. All these are egotistic activities.
"Your inner fullness can dawn only when the ego is fleeced off. Only then are you in the wantless state. It is the limited mind that constantly suffers from wants."
DADAJI,
Quoted by Henry Miller
Article appeared in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune
July 1979

To be tripping into these deep spiritual subjects and honoring great teachers who had made an impact both East and West is not exactly what the fasting month of Ramadan is all about at least not to the devoted Malay Muslims i have grown up with. But is it necesarryly so? I find it hard and harder to pray in the mosque or otherwise and as a matter of fact i felt like a hypocrate performing solat to please others and not made any connection with the One who matters. If I had bowed down and touched my forehead to the carpet and felt the least of Divine presecence I would have cried in happiness, but instead when my forehead touches the carpet I found myself cursing the guy next to me for reciting loudly whatever it was he was reciting throwing all my reverence and feeling of awesomness out the window. There is no doubt that most of those who pray in the moseque suffers the same dilema but are more patient and perservering in their fortitutde to endure such agravating circumstances and still fulfill the call to pray.
At the mosque where i frequent even from my childhood days, the current Bilal is a character you would want to shoot with a shot gun and put him out of his misery for everytime I hear him call the faithful to pray it is like a long dreary moaning. He must think like it is sweet song the ears of those who have to bear the sound but such is. I dont think he likes me from day one as he had never in my entire visit to the mosque shown a genuine smile or welcome to the house of God kindalook about him. Perhaps one may say i am making excuses for not wantng to join the Ummah in conggregational worship. Perhaps i am overly sensitive to such human frailties or ignorance. Perhaps my ego is hurt when I am in such a situation and cannot handle it and perhaps there dozens of other perhaps as to why I am at my age feeling the uselessness of it all. Most of my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters would tell me to settle down and make my amends with my Maker as i an approaching the end of my days. One of them even suggested that a trip to the Holy land is what i need as i have much to ask for mercy and forgiveness... bad past records.
No!! Enough is Enough! I have danced to the tunes played by others far too long and most of these tunes were sad and depressing come to think of it, they stink of hypocracy and envy and they will influence me no more. If I die a pariah so be it and if and when i do attain to my goals whatever that may be so be it too. I am still groping for answers looking for that which may have been right before my eyes all these while but I am still living in the shroud of Maya and am still attached to my sorry sod of an ego ;ving in fear of this and fear of that. No! Enough is Enough. If the demons within me will refuse to surrender than i will learn to live wirth them and if my spiritual search does not bear fruits than i will live with that too, but I nkow that from all these crap i have been writing I have tried and keep on trying i will till the end of my days.

Krishnamurti- the core of his teachings

Jiddu Krishnamurti
(1895-1986)
Truth is a pathless land

The Core of Krishnamurti's Teaching
The core of Krishnamurti's teaching is contained in the statement he made in 1929 when he said: "Truth is a Pathless land."
The statement below was originally written by Krishnamurti in 1980
Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection. Man has built in himself images as a fence of security--religious, political, personal. These manifest as symbols, ideas, beliefs. The burden of these images dominates man's thinking, his relationships and his daily life. These images are the causes of our problems for they divide man from man. His perception of life is shaped by the concepts already established in his mind. The content of his consciousness is his entire existence. This content is common to all humanity. The individuality is the name, the form and superficial culture he acquires from tradition and environment. The uniqueness of man does not lie in the superficial but in complete freedom from the content of his consciousness, which is common to all mankind. So he is not an individual.
Freedom is not a reaction: freedom is not choice. It is man's pretence that because he has choice he is free. Freedom is pure observation without direction, without fear of punishment and reward. Freedom is without motive; freedom is not at the end of the evolution of man but lies in the first step of his existence. In observation one begins to discover the lack of freedom. Freedom is found in the choiceless awareness of our daily existence and activity.
Thought is time. Thought is born of experience and knowledge which are inseparable from time and the past. Time is the psychological enemy of man. Our action is based on knowledge and therefore time, so man is always a slave to the past. Thought is ever-limited and so we live in constant conflict and struggle. There is no psychological evolution.
When man becomes aware of the movement of his own thoughts he will see the division between the thinker and the thought, the observer and the observed, the experiencer and the experience. He will discover that this division is an illusion. Then only is there pure observation which is insight without any shadow of the past or of time. This timeless insight brings about a deep radical mutation in the mind.
Total negation is the essence of the positive. When there is negation of all those things that thought has brought about psychologically, only then is there love, which is compassion and intelligence.
* * *
If there is any thoughts that had influenced my own thinking over the years, it is those that has been expounded by Jedu Krishnamurti whose works i first stumbled upon in a bookstore in Green Bay,Wisconsin. It was during my college years when i came upon one of his works and was blown away by his ideas. Till today I still take a peek into his mind through the vast library and resources of his works on the Internet whenever i find myself slip sliding away from reality as it is. This statement I found this morning as I opened his network and randomly serched for a line or two for inspiration to get my morning going. It is a kicker!
These are food for thoughts not for the lay person or those whose mind has been nailed to the past, to traditions and belief systems. It is not even for those who are half baked in their persuit of truth, it is dangerous for the unenlightened mind like my own but hey!, whats a little danger when one's ultimate freedom is at stake? To die without discovering the truth of what life was all about, is the ultimate waste of human existence and to die and not know who one is in the scheme of things is just unforgiveable, its a sin. Hell is for the ignorant and the deluded, for the lazy in mind and blindly follows and those who despair in the search for Truth.
I do not recommend Krishnamurti to just anyone, especially those whose minds are set upon and secured in a belief system, a religious faith or dogma. I advice that those who have no firm understanding in the meaning of what it is to be a 'seeker' to avoid delving into the teachings of this man for it can tear you and what you understand of who or what you have understood yourself to be, if you are not carefull. It might leave you hanging on a limb if not in limbo. Krishnamurti's method of teaching is what is potent about his ways, he peels away layer after layer of your preconceived ideas, your knowledge, your understanding untill there is none left of you, you are naked, stripped to the core, even your soul is left in jeopardy as to what to belief in anymore and what is scary is that he is right.
In the present generation when the planet is on the verge of turmoil and chaos, when nature is in the process of exerting her payback in the form of one disaster after another, when mankind is killing one another asthough life is of no value, the teachings of Krishnamurti holds true more than ever. Pakistan is in the grip of monumental catastrophy, millions are homeless and thousands have lost their lives, Haitti is still reeling in her effort to recover from the shaker that left the island nation torn to pieces and China is still being given the washdown as floods and landslides is claiming more and more victims while Russia is getting burnt and somewhere in Africa...the Gods must be angry! Pissed off!!The wheels of the Juggernaught has been set in motion and many more will be trampled underneath as they roll gathering momentum upon the face of the earth. Can we slow it down or even stop these wheels of time and destruction, the setting in of the Kali Yuga, the end of time, can man change the course of time. "Time is the psychological enemy of man. Our action is based on knowlwedge and therefor time, so man is always a slave to the past."

Remember Tarawikth or the Special Ramadan...

Prayers actually in honour of the Prophet and his successors, the four Caliphs of Islam? Well it has been close to one week now my son and i had been to the mosque to fullfill this non- mandatory obligation as a Muslim although my heart is not totally into it and i cannot say so for my son but he has already missed one yesterday. His excuse was that Liverpool was playing and so he and his cousin opted God for Liverpool. Me, I might as well not been there as from the very beginning all i was doing was the motions of the so called Solat Tarawikgh. I always started off with a determination to perform to the best of my effort, telling myself to see that God is there watching me along with all the Muslim Lineage from the prophet on down but I could not feel it. I could not stay focus on what i was doing as my mind kept spinning from one subject to another, like the guy next to me, a tall skinny kid all dressed up in white head to toe and performing the solat in all perfection like he had sinned most of his life and was doing penitants, I wonderd if he had sex yet or still a virgin or if he knows that his exagerated performance was causing the guy next to him to squirm. Then he left midway through the 21 odd Rakaats of the tarawikgh and to be replaced by an elderly gentleman who like to share his recital of the verses with his neighbours. If there is anything that would throw me off the spiritual plane while praying in congrigation at the mosque is to stand next to a guy who needed badly to show off his piety by making it known loudly. If i had not truly believe that God is there watching from whereever within or without Or the fear that I might incur the wrath of the 'Taliban' Imam, I would have reached over and whispered in his ears to pipe down a pitch or two so i can concentrate on my recitations. I am not good as it is with the verses in Arabic and whatever i have managed to learn over the years had been minimal, just enough to see me through the solat, but when I have someone mumbling under his breadth loud enough to be heard and not heard it is very irritating to say the least. So my solat was an incomplete last night. I resigned to studying the writings on the walls while listening to the Imam. I am sure that there is a humbling lesson to be learned from all these at the end of the day as the AlMighty is the ultimater Tester and the fact that these minor irritations got to me has significant impact on my own character no doubt.
I walked home instead of waiting for my cousin to ride home with him and while walking home I felt a sense of lightness of being as well as a sadness within me. I felt like i have won something and lost something at the same time. I felt like I had freed myself from the rituals of a institutionalised religion and gained a new insight into the nature God's mode of testing. I found it rediculous to fear God less than the man who was causing me the grief and aggravaton standing beside me proving that he was hollier than thou at my expense. But i refrained from taking any drastic action like telling him to keep it to himself purely out of respect for the congregation and for his state of mind. I took the blame upon myself and crucify myself for the lack of practice in focusing or being untouched by these petty distractions. I was in the house of God and yet i allowed little demons to shake my faith, who is sitting?Who is praying?
Yes the month of Ramadan stirs up alot of weary thoughts about my faith and my convictions and at my age, as the hole is inviting me close to it these thoughts are as real as my taking a walk home from the mosque instead of riding with my cousin. Ahmad Kalam, and insurance salesman, is a man of faith. Older than myself he is out to prove he can outdo me as a lesson in humility or genuine concern for the well being for my soul.