Remember Tarawikth or the Special Ramadan...

Prayers actually in honour of the Prophet and his successors, the four Caliphs of Islam? Well it has been close to one week now my son and i had been to the mosque to fullfill this non- mandatory obligation as a Muslim although my heart is not totally into it and i cannot say so for my son but he has already missed one yesterday. His excuse was that Liverpool was playing and so he and his cousin opted God for Liverpool. Me, I might as well not been there as from the very beginning all i was doing was the motions of the so called Solat Tarawikgh. I always started off with a determination to perform to the best of my effort, telling myself to see that God is there watching me along with all the Muslim Lineage from the prophet on down but I could not feel it. I could not stay focus on what i was doing as my mind kept spinning from one subject to another, like the guy next to me, a tall skinny kid all dressed up in white head to toe and performing the solat in all perfection like he had sinned most of his life and was doing penitants, I wonderd if he had sex yet or still a virgin or if he knows that his exagerated performance was causing the guy next to him to squirm. Then he left midway through the 21 odd Rakaats of the tarawikgh and to be replaced by an elderly gentleman who like to share his recital of the verses with his neighbours. If there is anything that would throw me off the spiritual plane while praying in congrigation at the mosque is to stand next to a guy who needed badly to show off his piety by making it known loudly. If i had not truly believe that God is there watching from whereever within or without Or the fear that I might incur the wrath of the 'Taliban' Imam, I would have reached over and whispered in his ears to pipe down a pitch or two so i can concentrate on my recitations. I am not good as it is with the verses in Arabic and whatever i have managed to learn over the years had been minimal, just enough to see me through the solat, but when I have someone mumbling under his breadth loud enough to be heard and not heard it is very irritating to say the least. So my solat was an incomplete last night. I resigned to studying the writings on the walls while listening to the Imam. I am sure that there is a humbling lesson to be learned from all these at the end of the day as the AlMighty is the ultimater Tester and the fact that these minor irritations got to me has significant impact on my own character no doubt.
I walked home instead of waiting for my cousin to ride home with him and while walking home I felt a sense of lightness of being as well as a sadness within me. I felt like i have won something and lost something at the same time. I felt like I had freed myself from the rituals of a institutionalised religion and gained a new insight into the nature God's mode of testing. I found it rediculous to fear God less than the man who was causing me the grief and aggravaton standing beside me proving that he was hollier than thou at my expense. But i refrained from taking any drastic action like telling him to keep it to himself purely out of respect for the congregation and for his state of mind. I took the blame upon myself and crucify myself for the lack of practice in focusing or being untouched by these petty distractions. I was in the house of God and yet i allowed little demons to shake my faith, who is sitting?Who is praying?
Yes the month of Ramadan stirs up alot of weary thoughts about my faith and my convictions and at my age, as the hole is inviting me close to it these thoughts are as real as my taking a walk home from the mosque instead of riding with my cousin. Ahmad Kalam, and insurance salesman, is a man of faith. Older than myself he is out to prove he can outdo me as a lesson in humility or genuine concern for the well being for my soul.