Why Worry?

It has been awhile now that I have sat to seriously reminisce my life thus far and there is no special reason for it other than the fact there is little to reminisce about. Whatever there is of life there is really little to be excited about as the global as well as local situation keeps spiraling downwards towards its own demise or so it seems. Try as I may to trump up a more cheerful image of life i still find myself sinking like in a quicksand with little to cling on to. So, for those who have been following this Blog expecting to find some pearls of wisdom, i offer my apologies and let us hope that there will be a silver lining at the end of this dark tunnel we are all going through. 
We are living in dark times and i hope that we are fully awaken to this fact and not go on living in denial and make believe that all is okay and that tomorrow the sun will rise and the rain will fall. For one thing the rain is not falling, well at least not in my neck of the woods and we are running out of water as most of the dams are dried up.It is in a way a good wake up call for all the various government departments responsible for the sources and water supplies the country depends on. There is a Malay saying,"Siap payung sebelum hujan'" or ready the umbrella before it rains. Malaysians are known for allot of sayings but we are also known for a whole lot of nothing doing. As it is there is still a great deal of foot dragging getting the country set to face the inevitable except perhaps some prayers being performed in mosques and temples to ask for rain from God. Perhaps we might even a native American rain dancer or two to help with the cause.
With the latest revelation by the Panama Leaks, corruption is ever on the rise from top to bottom in just about every corner of the planet where you find humans. Even as the prime Minister of Iceland is being made to resign his post there many others who shamelessly cling to their power despite the fact that they have been proven of similar guilt, exploiting and manipulating the masses with their money not their own but the people's. my country is in the forefront of this gamut. Malaysia is headed for a big splash and it is not going to be water but against a hard rock and when it does happen as it is bound to, heavens have mercy on us all. The Vision 2020 that has been our target of achieving economic stability and developed nation status will become a nightmare that all of us rich and poor alike are dreading deep in our hearts but too scared to admit openly. We are best when living in denial. It is not happening in my backyard, so why worry?

      

The heat is Killing Me!

I have been busy working on my Malay version of My Auto biography so much so the i have been neglecting to write my Blog entry. It is good to ee that there is still those out there following my ramblings of the past 10 years or so. Not much to talk of that would be enlightening or inspiring except that I am going around in the same old ground of trying hard but not making it to the finals. Story of my life, an unfinished story. 
Living day to day and watching the world go by wishing and hoping for some change in the tune but still am stuck in the same old rut with a whole lot of work but not a thing to show for.I started working on my 100 feet long painting of Georgetown, fine touching more defining of the existing images and am beginning to enjoy it. My eyes are not what they used to be and find myself staring closer  to the papaer when I draw, but it has been worthwhile after all these years, my eyes have served me well and if they decide to become less effecting what can i say, old age is setting in? My friend the mechanic, Ah Huat insist that he takes me to the eye specialist, bless his heart. my son Nazri was the last one to have my eyes looked at while I was visiting him in Dubai a few years back. Sadly enough he is now unavailable thanks to his wife.
So twin came for a visit and he was complaining of the same problem with his eyesight and is going to visit this specialist and that to get them fixed. I sat and listened wishing that he would turn around and ask his brother if he has the same problem. But, no way not him, 
it has been so hot here with no rain in sight for the past few months and my two children and I have only one fan left spinning and so we all three of us sleep in the same small room. Two of us sleep on the flor while one on the small bed. Need i go on? I should stop sharing this ramblings as it has become too boring for me to write and for sure for those who have been following my Blog to read. So if the number of reader drops to 10 i would be contented. This is the reality of what life is all about, some days you fall falt while others you are at the top of the world. Even if they do not make much difference, it would still  be great to have an air conditioning unit installed; the heat is killing me! .

What if? Who Cares! About water.

I have to mention of the heat wave hat is hitting the region making it one of he worse i yet seen in my lifetime. It really has not arrived at the critical stage as yet but already the rice fields are turning into dry lands barren with cracked earth surface. The weather is taking its toll slowly but surely and although it has not really woken up the general population to the reality of a serious drought as yet, the general population is beginning to slowly show signs of irritation of not being able to wash their cars without feeling guilty. Mosques have not done any special prayers for rain like they usually do in the past which means the religious ones are not too concern with whole situation either; we can still wash five times a day for prayers.
Dams all over the country are beginning to show very low water levels, but the government is not too and insist that we have ample supply to last us a few more months yet; don' worry, shit has not hit the fan yet. This country has more than its share of rainfall year round but where the water goes only God knows. We will mitigate flood victims every time it rains more than usual bu we will not take proactive precautions towards water conservation whenever there is ample amount of excessive water to conserve. We simply take for granted in thinking that we will never run out of water supply, not in this country.
Water is the key to life, salt or fresh, it keeps this planet filled with natural life. Yet so little concern is being given towards its conservation management and what is worse is that water catchment areas are being eroded wantonly where logging and deforestation are being carried out  Like a virus that is bound upon self annihilation, we Malaysians are guilty of living in denial more so that most other countries in the world. It is not that we are too dumb nd stupid o realize our excessive follies towards nature, but we are too greedy in most cases and assume a great many things to not happen even if it is happening right before our very eyes. What if the drought id here to stay for a longer period in time, what if we really run out of water supple? What if? 
Who cares?!

The Wake up Call - my Dream.

I woke up from my dream this morning crying loud enough to wake up my daughter who tried to comfort me wondering what was going on. The dream was a continuation of events that involved her earlier where we had a misunderstanding and I put my foot down in our deteriorating relationship. i let out a few harsh words like who is the father and who the daughter, yada...yada. I fell asleep after hours of struggling to do so and as soon as i fell asleep i dreamt i was with her in some surrealistic landscape where there were lots of younger people at concerts and and some other events that i could not describe but felt more like. At one point as i was walking through an entrance of some sort someone was pushing me from behind ad as i turned around to accost the person i discovered a huge fist was aimed at my face and it belonged to a young Chinese man who had muscles like the Incredible Hulk. I looked at him and said, " I am 67 years old, you fee like hitting me?"or something to that effect and the episode evaporated. I kept walking in my mind i was searching for my daughter whom i had lost contact along the way. A young Indian man told me that the man who wanted to hit me was attacked with a knife a while back, I walked on not seeing any connection in my dream. The i came to a more open area where there were less people and looked like they were headed out of the place. The landscape was strange like i had never seen before, barely any trees and as i walked on lost, suddenly i was hit by a sense of loneliness and despair of the most intense nature and this was even accompanied by a very sad and melancholy background music that i was creating out of my head. I broke down as the feeling of sadness enveloped me and woke up still crying like I had never done in a very long time in my adult life.
The rest of the morning I felt my whole body zapped out of energy and barely could move but I decided to fight the feeling by going to a nearby coffee shop and buying some 'roti canai' and nasi lemak and distributed to all those who had come to work at the restaurant. Their thank yous and smiling faces helped to cheer me up. I decided to not give in to the negative impact of the dream and instead stayed focused on going about doing what i had planned to do, like coming to the Museum and writing my Blog and my Malay version of my autobiography which i had been working on.I cannot say what my dream was telling me but i have a rough idea on why i had such a weird yet powerful dream.
I am getting old! My worries over my two two children has caught up with me on a deeper level and my loneliness of having lived a single life for the past few years since my wife died has also exerted its impact on my subconscious mind and all i have to do is more or less is to be aware of this and work towards finding a remedy to these events in my life but let it not affect me in the negative way that would lead to greater depression. Thus this writing and the other things i have been working on comes in handy.
My mind has been working overtime and i have allowed many events in my life to dominate my thoughts to the extent that i feel helpless and defeated. One of the wake up call the i read from this episode is that i have to learn to let go things that are beyond my control and concern. i have to trust in matters to take on their own course whether it be with my children or my relatives and friends. I have to learn to accept my own destiny as i have laid out the path towards my own personal goals, i have to stay on track like it or not and pursue my course of actions till the very end of my story. This dream was just another wake up call for me to become aware of the deeper levels of my psyche as the mind is pushed to the limits of its existence with challenges the is taking place in me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to SIT! I have to observe with 'Bare Attention'.   
  

Falling Asleep on the Road.

Now that I have regurgitated pretty much what i had to in order to breath better, it is time to look to the brighter side of life and ponder what can be done to make the leap forward from this doldrums that i am stuck in. basically  the pain in my back is what is causing all the negative output of energy and it has been almost two weeks now that i am aching sometimes to the point of crying out in pain. I have no real complain with regard to my emotional state as i have been attempting to write my autobiography in Bahasa Malaysia and has so far manged over 200 pages in length with pictures. So i have been productive more than I claim to be.  
"You are too hard on yourself," my friend Jim Abrams at Green Gulch Zen center used to say. perhaps i am, perhaps i fail to appreciate the fact that i can write over 1500 entries in his Blog about things in my life where most others find it difficult to set a Blog up to begin with. Perhaps i failed to appreciate the fact that i have raised two of my children into adults since my wife passed away and they have turned out to be great kids. Perhaps i do not appreciate enough the fact that i have friends who would go out of the way to help me heal my body and provide me with all kinds of financial as well as moral support no matter how small it may seem.  perhaps i am still in the mode of self flagellation and blind to the fact that all I need to do is be thankful for all that i have been able to accomplish throughout my life which most people would only dream of. Perhaps...
Alhamdulliah! Thank you Lord, how i forget time and again for all that has been given tome thus far in my life. I could have been chosen to play the role of a refugee floating around in the Mediterranean somewhere or stranded in between Greece and Macedonia. But no! I have been given all the perks of life and then some to play around with and now that i am approaching the end and my body has a little breakdown from wear and tear, i am already crying foul at my Maker!  Nah! Wake up! Before it is over 
for good and the Fat lady has sung the Blues! Still time to wake up and stay focus on what Is the permanent and unending, what is the original and authentic and discard what is Maya.

I keep trying to read the translation of the Quran and still finds it too much negativity, too much talk of hell and punishment for the likes of me. I keep trying to pray five times a day and i cannot fullfill the obligation without feeling like a hypocrite. So where do i stand with my Lord? I am fucked where the afterlife is concern as thought i am not already in this life. I am in pain, physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain and finds it hard to not get lost in despair as had happened before time and again in my past. 

I had not wanted to make anymore entries into my blog as I really have no more nice thins to talk of, no more inspirations to share with, but oonly moans and groans, ramblings of a sick and tired mind that has been run through the grind of this so called life. But seeing that i had made a commitment towards this voluntary record keeping of my ongoing life and having accumulated readers from many parts of the world for better or worse i feel obligated to be true to my cause. My experiment with life will go on and it will be recorded and hopefully before I die I will be able to write my conclusion. As it is suffice to say that i am a man who have 'squandered all my resistance for a pocket full of marbles.' I have nothing to brag of in terms of properties, no home not even a rented room for me and my two children. I have a car but it actually belongs to my mechanic friend who out of his kindness had allowed me to use it. I am practically unemployed and thus no income to actually fall back on and I am getting old with a body slowly giving way to wear and tear. In short, i am fucked!

I should be ashamed of myself and yes i am, come to think of it. Why or how had i allowed myself to come to this pathetic state in my life? I am ashamed to my two children who deserves much better than i am able to give them; I have failed my promise to their late mother. So, where did i go wrong? Was i ever right? Have i bungled myself so bad that my two remaining brothers are even  scared to set eyes on me much less ask how i am doing? Is this what happens when i cannot bow five time a day before God or has God really have anything to do with it?

I know i blew it all myself as time and again i have been given ample opportunity to make good my life but i have failed to grasp the chances and let things slide for one odd reason or another. No sense in looking back is there, most of it is all written here in this lengthy Blogging anyway. I have skipped a whole lot of failures which had been grave stumbling blocks in my path and it is only because these are too sensitive and will prove of no consequence to better help those who read understand any better my faults where it involves the lives of others intimately. I will carry the crucifix on my back to the grave where these are concern and at my age it is too late to regret not that it would do any good anyway.

I have tried to be as truthful and honest as i possibly could throughout writing this Blog and not all that I have written are the whole truth, as the whole truth would hurt others and their reputation as well as mine would be at stake. On matters that involves others in term of fairness and so forth I would keep the cans unopened and leave the worms inside. Perhaps these worms will crawl out in the grave when the cans are rusted and can contain them no more. 

To be Contd.

Retrospect - From Journal- 1983..- Making Footprints in the Snow

---

Making Footprints in the Snow

(10 March 2016 | Originally penned: 1 November 1983 – Green Bay, Wisconsin)

To make the next footprint in the snow,
One has to act.
To become in motion.
To act selflessly, with no concern for self-esteem.
Spontaneous in effect.
Free, flowing, fluid, and gentle—
Without thought and without awareness.

Like a small brook making its quiet way to the ocean—
That is Life.
Effortlessly... effortlessly... effortlessly.
Just like the rising and falling
Of one’s own breath.

---

“What do you think of the Nuclear War Syndrome, Master?”
I asked him.

“The refrigerator has an efficient thermostat,
in order to function.”

“Are you suggesting, Sir,
that the Nuclear War Syndrome is some kind of thermostat
in human evolution?”

“Just like the Ice Age came and went...
Just like Attila the Hun, and Adolf Hitler...
Every human era is marked by one catastrophe or another.”

“So, how do we stop this vicious repetition of history?”

“Breathe!
Take in a deep, fresh gulp of air.
And tell me—do you really want to end all this?
This... your Universe?
Drink a cold cranberry or apple juice—
and tell me the world should cease.
Touch your wives and daughters, kiss your sons,
and tell me this must all come to an end.
Breathe, for goodness’ sake—Breathe!”

“Wouldn’t we all perish if the holocaust happened?”

“When the one perishes, does not the All go too?
Why the fear? Why the sorrow?
Is this not what was meant to be seen?
Or do you imagine someone else is writing this script?”

“The Creator creates.
The Destroyer destroys.
A rose, fragrant and full, must one day wilt and fade.
So too has humanity grown decadent.
We worship the Ego.
And as long as the Ego is enthroned,
Duality will exist.
And where duality persists,
There will always be the shadow of self-destruction.”

“To make a new footprint in the snow...
One must act.”

“But I am only human. I fear for myself and for my loved ones.”

“Bondage and freedom hold no claim on you.
Unity and separation do not define you.
Reason and argument do not limit you.
None of these truly bind you.
So why bewail your lot?”

“The Supreme Self is untouched by birth or death,
Unconcerned with sin or blessing.
Why then should you grieve?”

“The scriptures say:
Heaven and earth are but forms and names,
Like a mirage.
The Self is present everywhere, in all things.
Why should you sorrow?”

 

Seek peace within.
Understand suffering, as you understand pleasure—
One is the other, only from opposite ends.
One man’s fame is another’s misfortune.

The answer is not in the galaxies,
But deep within your own chest—
At the center.
The point of origination.
The beginning of things.
The essence of Being.
The breath of Love and Compassion,
For the Universe you have helped shape.

If war must be won,
A few battles must be lost.
Surrender a little of yourself,
And you will begin to see what you have created.

If mankind would stop talking,
And instead act—
Selflessly, thoughtlessly, without hesitation—
Perhaps peace would come,
And the universe could fall silent for a time.

And maybe then,
We’d start all over again, somewhere else.

---

“But what about Reality?
The Russians? The Americans?
Beirut, Nicaragua, Granada?
What about the possibility that someone might
Push the panic button
And set off a chain reaction that would… obliterate Me?”

“When hungry, eat.
When sleepy, sleep.
Or just sit and watch the grass grow.”

OMMMM…

P/S: The day you can bring back to life a single blade of grass,
then, and only then, we will discuss Reality.

—

#MakingFootprintsInTheSnow #NuclearWarSyndrome #SpiritualDialogues #Selflessness #SilenceAndAction #TaoOfLife #BreathOfBeing #EndOfEgo #StartWithin #GreenBayReflections

Looking back in time...

"All dependency on other than one's self is pain, 
Whatever is controlled by one's self is pleasure;
Know this to be briefly, The definition of pain and pleasure." 
From; "The Law Book of Manu."

As Falls First Invites Winter,
 bids farewell to end of summer,
All seasons comes to an end.
As the silence in between two heart beats,
is the thundering bells toll,
All life ceases to be.
Running streams and roosters,
calling signals, the coming of tomorrow,
And spring is the beginning
So summer must end,
As sounds of yesteryear,
Echos through the chambers on my consciousness,,
I behold my master, in solitary sits.
His eyes piercing ,
Through the void of darkness,
Into the distant solitude,\of the silent flame of a Blue candle.
At one with the Universe, The secret sound vibrates,
Throughout his being- bells tolling through eternity,
And water, flowing constantly-
Transporting me into his consciousness -of Being.
OMMMMM!
Just as carbon appears in charcoal,
As in diamond, so in reality,
it is only one and the same Divinity,
That appears in both places.
In name and form lies the difference,
In nothing else.
These names and forms do not last forever.
They are unreal because we see them,
At one time time and not at another.
He sees indeed who sees in all alike.   
He is a man with eyes open,
Who sees the one Divinity in all alike...OM...Om...Om
Three times i kissed His feet,
And bid him farewell. 
                                   Written in my journal - 10/31/83 -
                                    Green Bay, Wisconsin.

When angry, be angery.

There are times when you just simply have had enough with someone who for no good reason is out to get you and in this case from the facility you have been working from for the past ten years.  Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah at USM (MGT)F is like a second home for me for almost ten years now and this is where i get most of my paperwork such as writing this Blog entry done. Almost al the staff members young and old have grown accustomed to my presence here except for one or two who for some odd reason sees my being here as inappropriate or I am not entitled to use the facility as I am not a member of the staff. 
This is what happened last Saturday with one of the staff who for a very long time now has harbored an animosity towards me to the extent that on several occasions he had tried to oust me from using the office space where I am at simply because I am not a staff member. I was in the middle of writing my journal in Bahasa Malaysia I hope to get published through the Museum and generate some income for the University and myself. So I was crossed at this man who is actually the carpenter and handyman for the museum and asked his reason for having this negative feeling towards me. I asked if he gets short changed by my being here, or if i had messed with his wife or dishonor his children or do I owe him any money To all these he said no. So i asked why he has such an attitude towards someone who is actually trying to get something done and has the permission of the Director himself to use this facility, what was his beef? 
I have never felt so much anger flowed so freely out of me towards someone who i know has ill intentions towards me and needed to be put into his place. I simply unloaded all my negative feelings on him that he tried to ask for my forgiveness, but the more he tried to console me the more angry i got so much so the i told him there is no forgiveness for what he has been doing to me for no apparent good reason and he being a good praying five times a day Muslim, what I asked was his excuse. I left the MGTF office feeling like I have unloaded a very long overdue toxic fermentation which I felt better afterwards.
On the other hand i also felt a little guilty for having landed on the guy all the no holds barred blows except for the physical manifestation which would have landed me into an unwonted predicament. So this morning i approached the Director and explained to him what had transpired and apologized but he said he was the one who should be apologizing and further explained that he had insisted that the office not be opened on Saturdays anyway. Then he asked me if i should write my Malay version of my experiences in three volumes instead of one and all was forgotten about Saturday.
The moral of this episode for was, be angry when the need to angry is necessary, if you feel you are being sidelined or insulted be angry and take the stand to let it be known that you are not to be taken for granted with...especially when you are 66.   

Drugs-use it or abuse it.

It is Friday and at the mosque the imam talked about drug abuse, it is the state government's script for this week. The sermon's given by the imam is not his own choice, each week a topic is chosen for him to preach about. I wonder if they will  ever come around to talking about mismanagement or poor governance or even corruption at the Friday sermons. What is Islamic take on accountability or integrity when it comes to handling public affairs? Perhaps never, the Friday pulpit is reserved for what the government wants for the masses to hear more propaganda and when they run out of things to spin they take on topics like drugs. Again a reminder at the mosque where i attend the Friday prayer, three quarter of the members in the congregation are Bangladeshis. I seriously doubt they have too much drug issues.
The Imam is a very highly knowledgeable person I know and i think he also has a clinic and maybe in his days has done a variety of drug or two, probably never if you ask him. I am sure he speaks from evidences of those who have been put in jail and one or two who have cut their father or mother to pieces over drug related issues. It is correct to point most drug users are Muslim Malays in this country and that a good percentage of them are young teenagers. Drug is off course addicting and drug addiction has cost millions in all kinds of drug related agencies handling the problem.
Is there any good at all in drug use? Why is the use of drugs always an abuse to those who has never use these drugs? What is the difference between drugs and alcohol and which is more lethal? of course the biggest question is why do people do drugs at all? And if not drugs what do you provide for those whose life is one long track of pain and agony due to the pressures of so called life?
Yes there are more and more walking dead out there and don't even know it and we worship the mind as though it, is the end. 
To some, the drugs are merely to slow down the thinking mind while to others it is to put a stop to it. For those who have no idea what it is all about they preach an end to it. And for those who knows exactly what it is all about, they are the ones who use it to liberate themselves from their mental slavery, even if it is for a moment in time of their daily existence. It is indeed a very thin
line between being a genius and being insane; so you either use it or abuse it or forever remain ignorant of it.

For no Rhyme or reason - I write.

Why don't you write in Bahasa Malaysia about your life's experiences, someone asked me at the organic farm and i said that my Malay is not good enough to do so. Have you ever tried? Nope! Well, why don't you? That same evening i started and now i am almost one hundred pages done  and still going at it. my Malay language is not too bad but my mind is; it assumes and accepts perhaps out of having no confidence or sheer laziness. off course i am still crawling to get there but getting there i am. I began writing like i did when I began writing this Blog in 2004-5? I wrote like i speak and over the years the language took on its own style and became what it is today. I write my own style,developed by trial and error over the years and the desire and passion to share my story with others on the same road as i am.
Today I enjoy writing and now i am enjoy writing in two different languages; never a dull moment even if it has not earn me a dime. I will refuse to commit my Bahasa Malayisa version in the the Bogging format as i have lost faith in Google Chrome or whoever or whatever that controls my  present English Version. I tried to earn through their so called 'Adsense' or whatever the hell it is called a few years back and was immediately disqualified accused of cheating. From then on me Blog page has been used to advertise for free by Gooble, gobbling up my share of the take! Well whoever you are or whatever you are Mr.  G.Chrome you have me by the balls and so welcome to my efforts. The truth is I do not even know how to cheat on the matter. Oh I tried to reason it out the best i could but only to get thrown around by a bunch of links and faceless dirtballs that perhaps do not even exist.
There, i let it out of my system about how i feel about the system that seeks to manipulate my life for its own benefit. Writing has been a great healing process for me an as i write i see my mind a little better, how it reacts and functions for every situation and experiences.. I have enjoyed watching my fingers searching for the right keys almost automatically trying to outrun my thinking mind in laying down thoughts. i have been able to remove myself from the act of putting my thoughts down in words like watching a movie of myself. if this is what is called poetry in writing then i am a poet only my thoughts have yet to rhyme. 

Just doing what i can.

I am still recovering from my retreat to the organic farm at SRI LOVELY in Kampung Lintang, aches all over and a headache after sleeping most of the day. I have not made any entry since i was there decided not to like taking a break from writing. Also not much toe share other than the day to day experience of working in the fields. Having been absent from the place many changes are taking place mostly for the better, still short handed as always but things are getting done. One of the things that i observed of the people living in the area is that life is hitting them hard financially espedially now that the price of rubber has fallen badly and the political situation in the country is not doing the country economically any better with prices being hiked and taxes being imposed, but, what else is new? not many likes to read anymore of such depressing subject, truth it may be.
My body and mind went through a rigorous exercise of who gives up first body or mind as I went about turning a run down cold, wet and depressing environment into a beautiful resort status facility. Cutting the grass and weeds, cleaning the pond and moving a good amount of earth from here to there and raking tons of leaves and burning them. my body cried out in pain and my mind kept telling me ho stupid I was to subject myself to such drudgery. I sweat three or four times  a day til my cloths began to have that urine smell. I sleep in a hut that was infested with ants and al kinds of flying bugs at night attracted by the light. I eat mostly a small packet of 'nasi lemak' or coconut rice with a little bit of hot spicy anchovy paste.At night usually it was Maggie Mee a dehydrated form of noodles that comes to life when soaked in hot water. 
For company I had my friend 'Apek' and his two sons one aged 21 and the other 14. The elder brother is deaf and mute while the 14 year old smokes and often does drugs sometimes in the father's presence. I tried to give my two cents worth on what is right and wrong but after a while gave up as a futile effort. To each his own sometimes it is best to just step back and become an observer allowing for is to be as it is. I am not any better with my two children afterall. They are wrapped up in their own life and world that the mess in their room speaks for them. If you say your environment reflects who you are or your state of mind it just flies over their head,like what is wrong with my room?
Two hours of driving has let me witness the difference the have and the have nots in how they live and what they worry about. I am sure both sides have their ups and down. Still to find no water when you come home from work to wash or do your laundry was hard for me to cope with even if it happened to a friend living in the rural part of the country. Life has been tough for these people but they have learned to cope the best they can and there is little i can do except let a helping hand through physically getting involved cleaning and clearing, moving and shaking what needs to be voluntarily. its my practice.

I am on retreat back at the organic farm.

Is it a matter of 'Tail wagging the dog?

How to keep yourself motivated after all these years of running around trying to make sense out of non- sense? A great part of me wants to bury itself in a hole and never come out to see day light as it considers itself having had enough of this so called life and yet another part is saying it ain't over yet and it is as a matter of fact just the beginning; so stick around and enjoy the show. I have stuffed my mind with God knows how much reading and learning by watching and experiencing and am still not fully satiated . My mind's capacity to absorb what is being exposed to it from all the trials and tribulations life has to offer is something that cannot be fathomed and yet it is still conjuring up more and more images and perceptions of its own like it is an independent entity from who I am. I see this more and more so as I find myself awake at night from my sleep and sitting in meditation before I fall asleep again. It is like watching the Astro TV channels switching from one channel to the next and sometimes of things that hardly makes any sense at all.
It is almost impossible it seems to switch the TV off like it has a life of its own even when I attempt to disconnect from the source through my breathing techniques or my Zikr or chants; it seems like the remote control has no effect upon the TV set itself. So, I am finding my mind getting more and more busy as the days goes by with no respite. Sometimes I wonder if other's mind are as unmanageable as mine or am I suffering from some kind of mental diarrhea and need to find some sort of laxative to purge whatever is not need from my mental storage bin. I wish it is as simple as deleting items from the computer when they are no more useful. 

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.

Buddha

Control the mind, how does one control the mind? From the day someone told me of how to go about meditating and controlling my mind I have been struggling to do so to no avail and as a matter of  fact it really gets worse as the more i meditate the more busy the mind gets. Is it? Is the mind really getting busier or am I Just being deluded by my own perception and practice? I have a long time ago came to the conclusion that i can never control my mind, I can bring it to become still or quiet every now and then but i can never fully control my mind. Perhaps i am not as disciplined or strong as i thought i am. Or perhaps i am still not doing it right as it should really be done like the masters had shared from the past. Whatever the reason, i still am discovering more and more for myself of how i am being run by my own mind instead of the other way round. 
Is it a matter of 'tail wagging the dog', 

Death in Artistic Expression.

Woke up this morning with the feeling that i needed to change my lifestyle or at least my daily habits of doing nothing. I decided to end my consciously doing nothing experiment and drove to the University and while at it stop by at my mechanic friend's shop and see if i can do something there before i headed on to the University, the shop was still closed, it was still too early. So I headed for the MGTF or the Museum gallery at the university (USM). Saw the ongoing exhibit by two Iranian artists entitled "We Were There", Farhad Fakhrian and Elham Shafaei, both students at the Fine Arts faculty doing their PhD at the University Fine Arts department. 
Farhad Fakhrian works of photography were black and white pictures of his father's dead body of which he wrote," I tried no to cry, not because i did not want to but because I wanted to cry in my own way...I went to the bedroom where my father lied back on the floor and a small fan was blowing. His face  was pale and cold and his body was gotten tough. I kissed his forehead and started to take photos with my film and digital camera. I stayed with him until morning and continued photographing. I saved his death with the pictures! Next morning an ambulance came to take his body for burying in the cemetery and nobody knows i had buried him with my tears which dropped from my camera. I followed him everywhere and escorted him till the heaven's gate." His works was entitled; "My father goes to Heaven". The exhibition will last through 11th- 30th of January.


          Farhad Fakhrian.


Elham Shafaei - "I'm Still Crying..."
"I like to cry. Not because I am depressed or emotionally dysfunctional. I cry because I want to see the stain of life on my body and on the world. I cry because i want to feel and see the absolute proof of my life.
Yet, since tear is a part of the body that leaves its container, it is a form of loss. Similarly, since art emerges in the same manner as tear does, that is from within. and art exist as a form of loss. Following this logic then, art is mournful and therefore art making must involve a significant sense of melacholia. It is this relations or intertwining between art, loss and melancholia that i have been exploring in my art through various forms."
                  Elham Shafael


         

On the Road to Meet death.

Death is something we all work towards having some form of understanding of in one form or another albeit in the form of a spiritual practice or a scientific explanation, in religious faith or philosophized belief. We create all kinds of excuses and and justifications towards why we do what we do in our lives when in actual fact we are all in one way or another making sure that when the time arrives for us to leave this life we know what or why and especially the how we can get through the process without freaking out of our minds. As it is most of us live in denial, why think about the inevitable we say to ourselves, when it happens , it happens, whether we are ready or prepared for it or not it happens. It is a blessing for those who can breeze through life and take on death with same similar attitude, but most of us cannot; we will fight for our lives.
Our subconscious mind has a build in system whereby death is a major topic that affects everything that we do or every decision that we make whether we realize it or not and no matter how trivial or insignificant the case may be, death is ever there as a factor perhaps unknowingly. Fear of death has kept man from taking life too lightly, mortality and the state of unknown of what lies beyond in the after life (if there is such a thing even) for some, is man's enigma. Hence the moment of death is the most critical moment of life itself; it is the sum total of what living was all about. There are those who dies willingly and those who will fight tooth and nail or even sell their souls to the devil to avoid death. No matter your origin or religious affiliations, your wealth or poverty, no matter your power or glory in life, you will face the eventuality of death and the question is are you prepared for the final cut.
It is with is in mind that the ancients, the masters, the saints and prophets, the yogis and the gurus have put some form of practice, some form of system for man to learn and understand for himself as a tool for his salvation when the moment arrives for him to meet the angel of death. In Islam it is in total and absolute submission to the Will of Allah, in Buddhism it is in letting go of the 'self' and embracing the infinity of what is. The discipline and the practice of most religions is to silence the thinking mind and as it is impossible to accomplish this especially in moments of facing death, thoughts are replaced by something greater than mind; a faith in something greater than life itself.
Death is not the end of consciousness, it is the total liberation of the entire content of the human consciousness when all barriers are being lifted and dam break loose where the mind itself is no more restrained by individual's sense of who he is and what he understands of himself. If he has always been the ignorant, fear ridden, guilt conscious, a man who has lived his life devoid of knowledge or understanding, then death can and will be a frightening event. However there are many of those who make it their life's quest to seek the truth about the mysteries of life and death, to these death is something to look forward to; it is part of the spiritual adventure that they have led.   

Who Died?

Who Died? - 16/1/2016

Who died? As I was communicating with my nephew while he was all curled up in a fetal position on the hospital bed, I realized that I was also talking to myself. I was addressing my own fears about death and dying, and as I whispered into his ears about taking refuge in Allah (He being a Muslim), I saw how powerful an effect it had on this frightened young man about to give up his last breath. I tried to impress upon him that there is nothing more to fear or be afraid of other than God at the moment and to surrender oneself with every desperate breath is the only thing one can do as there is not a thing in the physical realm that can save you especially when the doctors have pulled out the plug and given you up. This is the critical moment when the mind plays such an important role in letting you go or freeing you from all the ties you have been clinging on to in this life.

In the Tibetan tradition, death is faced in its last hours by a priest or monk sitting with the person dying and relating to him how to go about facing death, like a step-by-step coaching. The Bardo Todol, or the 49 days of the Bardo state, is when the patient is being prepared to face the moment of death and the entering into the afterlife. The stage by stage process of dying is whispered to the ears of the patient, instructing him or her what to expect and how to react to what is seen or heard or felt in them moments of death. This assistance helps the victim to remain calm and as lucid as possible so that he or she does not get lost in limbo out of fear and ignorance.

Most in Islam would sit around reading the verses from the Quran, especially the Surah Yasin which is considered the heart of the Quran, and it is hoped that this will help to keep the victim's mind focused upon his faith in Allah. I my experience, I have rarely seen anyone talking to the dying in terms that they can understand, like do not fear anymore for all that you see and hear are just your own imaginations and mental states, or that you are to remain in touch with who you are and your faith in God. The verses from the Quran may have its impact to soothe the soul of the departing, but it does not touch upon the basic problem of how to not be swayed by fear and ignorance in facing the final moments of death. All one hears of the verses being read around you is just noises, meaningless because one does not understand what is being read in the first place.

Thus far, in less than a year, I have had three of my nephews die for one reason or another, and i was present at their funerals and except for the one who died of an accident, i was by the bedside of two of them before they passed on. It has been an experience for me and perhaps at my age, it is supposed to be so, that I get to be up close at moments of death as a witness. it is in these moments that i also come to realize how insignificant or how great life is to each and every individual. How important it is to live life as best you can and die with dignity or waste one's life away and die like an unwanted piece of rag cast away into the garbage can. As Mark Twain once quoted,"There are those when they depart from this life we breathe a breath of regret and those who depart and we breath a breath of relief".

Rest in Peace Junaid.

I arrived at Kuala Terengganu 3 days visiting my family, especially my nephew Junaid who is in critical condition awaiting death to end his lifelong misery having been a drug addict most of his adult life. I took my elder sister to visit her son at the hospital yesterday morning and it was not a pretty sight seeing my nephew with his bulging left eye staring out in fear and his chest hyperventilating as though he was running the hundred meter dash and the look of the silent scream written all over his face. After a while pulling myself together I reached out to talk to him quietly, I realized he was receptive despite the fact that he was left on oxygen and drips only, like he has been written off by the doctors, I am sure they know what they are doing.
I managed to calm him down and even told him to close his eyes and go to sleep instead of struggling out of fear. i talked him into surrendering to the Lord and to make his peace with the inevitable; how do you tell someone that he is dying. He seemed to calm down and slowly closed his eyes like he was falling asleep while his breathing slowed down. I revisited hi later that night accompanied by my close friend here, Mohammad Rafi and I noticed that my nephew had changed somewhat in his expression. I talked to him softly again and noticed that his left eye that was staring out of fear that morning has now become serene and bright almost childlike. His right eye seems to be infected but he showed no concern about anything anymore; I felt peaceful with him too..and my friend Rafi noticed the communication between us and told me he was impressed.
My trip was made possible by my friend Ah Huat the Auto Air Conditioning Artist. Ah Huat when I reached his place immediately asked me where I wanted to go as soon as he crawled from underneath a car he was working on. I was surprised like how did he know that i have been desperately figuring out how to come here to Terengganu and be with my sister in her times of need. I told him my intention ad immediately he started getting the car ready for the trip and ended up with replacing the two hind tires with new ones and on top of that handed me RM150 for my pocket money just in case. I said nothing except thank you and left the same evening driving the familiar East West highway no more in my little Kancil but an Ishwara  fully automatic; thank you Lord and thank you Ah Huat. 
It was a relaxing drive with the larger and automated Ishwara with that more solid feeling of being on the road instead of floating upon it like when I drove the Kancil. The weather was nice all the way and so I made good time and I also realized that my night time driving days are coming to and end as i found it much easier to drive in the daytime. My eyesight are no more what they used to be too and so I have to slow down and stay within my age group of driving habits; no more risk taking unnecessarily. The fuel consumption however is almost double of what it would take if I was driving the Kancil.
This evening on  I was informed that my nephew had passed away and that he will be laid to rest early tomorrow morning. Thus passed one wasted life that has caused so much pain and anguish to all those who cared for him especially his mother, my sister. The world is filled with such persons who reminds one of the fact that there is so much pain out there and most are self created. My nephew I felt had accepted the fact that his time had arrived but he was also scared out of his mind when i first saw him on the hospital bed; i assisted him the best i could to make it easier for him to face the reality of his moment. MAY Allah be MERCIFUL ON HIM.

Only God Knows.

Sometimes i find myself drifting towards writing like I am a Guru or a spiritual guide or something; I am a student. My journey my trip is to clear my own path, towards what some call awakening or enlightenment, some call it the journey of a seeker towards finding his Maker or his own true nature; whatever it may be i am not preaching to anyone, only pointing my own directions towards that which is my goal or better yet, salvation. To give meaning to my own existence even if it is self seeking and nothing more. I would like to feel like i made the effort towards understanding of mu human nature, its strength and weaknesses, its miraculous beauty as The Lord had wanted it to be, full of incredible mechanisms and with the ability to perform extraordinary feats that often defies imagination; my physical body is a Miracle in itself.
I find that as I am writing this late in my life and with an ongoing script about my self discovery embankment, from the day my blog was set up for me by my close friend Fadzly Mubin in Kyala Terengganu sometime on 2005, whose suggestion it was that i should keep an ongoing blog, I am assuming the role of a teacher when I write. It all happened over time and in progression that i write more directly without holding back my thoughts as though it seems i am more confident in my thoughts; i am saying what i mean and not merely intellectualizing. When i say I have had a spiritual awakening experience a few times in my life, that is what I mean; mini  Satori it is called in Zen Buddhist tradition and I have shared a few of these in the past. 
These realizations as i would like to call them helped me in healing my aging body and mind, it helps to maintain a good perspective of how far or how near to death. A simple act of sitting meditation or Zazen as the Zen schools call it will rejuvenate every fiber in my body through a steady flow of conscious breathing. It also helps to bring into alignment my body and mind and create a balance within and without of my consciousness by the simple act of letting go of unnecessary thoughts or any thought for that matter; finding peace and tranquility; finding rest. I am a student of Zen Practice and I am a Muslim too. I have been told that I am eclectic, that i pick and choose the best in and of all possibility to fulfill my goals. Yes I am and it is in my nature that I like to experiment with my life, I am constantly putting myself to the test...what if?
WallahuAllam! Only He knows.

With Passion He Creates.

Man has asked the same question time and again, 'What is the purpose of my existence?', "Why am I alive in the first place?" "Is this all there is to my life?" Personally i rare came up with a good answer myself and often enough sought out what the ancient wisdom  has to say about it, but ever now and then the mind when not so wrapped up in useless thoughts would come up with a surprise twist of an answer of its own. What gives meaning to life? What makes life bearable to live for some while for others it is a long and tedious waste of time that every so often ends up tragically with suicide. It is in our human nature to seek for peace and happiness all through our lives and sometimes we are willing to go overboard in trying to achieve these goals, like try to out run, out do, out play all those that stands in our way; we are even willing to gamble away our soul when all else fails.
Like music and art, religions and philosophy has played a vital role in keeping our minds with a sense of some purpose for whatever reason that we as humans are here to live out allotted years. They has given some sense of comfort and some amount of justification for us to keep on living despite all the trials and tribulations that we face while at it. Some are in the form of promises of future rewards while others the satisfaction being able to witness the miracles and beauty that transpires all around us to inspire us to keep on living. It no small matter when our very sanity hangs in a balance at times when we are confronted with life issues that is beyond our endurance; it is imperative that we find some truth for our selves on the reason why, why are we here.
We are here to fulfill a Cosmic Desire, the wish for the creator to witness Himself in all His infinite forms and attributes. Like looking into a mirror an seeing all this as life evolving throughout the universe and each and every entity having its significance to play its part with or without its own self awareness. How man has evolved to become a close to his Divine Nature or his Original Nature before he was conceived by his parents. Some have fallen along the way and succumbed to the baser or dark side of his nature that looses its connectivity with the whole, that is creation. While most has waded through thick and thin to fulfill the roles set for them and they passes on leaving behind memories for others to emulate or live by that the string of life keeps going on unbroken.

Instead of staying in monasteries like most monks, Ikkyu gave teachings in places monks didn’t usually go. He taught in the streets and in brothels. His students were hobos, criminals and prostitutes. A lot more of his students were laypeople than monks because he thought the Dharma was for everyone.

He created his own version of Zen. He called it Red Thread Zen. The Red Thread represents passion. He taught that passion could be a road to enlightenment. He thought that Zen should be life affirming and positive. He didn’t believe that the renunciation that many monks practiced was helpful. He had a great passion for life and said that we should too.

Passion for life is what most of us are beginning to lack as we let ourselves be sucked into the day to day mundane existence of the physical world. We have little passion for whatever we do and living has become an act that is imposed upon rather than that which is blessed with grace. We breeze through life pretty much killing time and occupying space while at time pissed mad at the very world we live in. Artists, poets songwriters, philosophers, and great men of science throughout the ages have been instilling upon us the need for passion so as to keep our spirit in motion towards greater heights of human glory rather than surrender to mediocrity.

Red Thread Zen was radical in its non-dualism. This version of Buddhism includes the entire world in its teaching, rather than being confined to sacred spaces. If all beings have Buddha nature, then enlightenment isnt a matter of lifestyle, it’s a living experience. When his teachers tried to get him to stay in a monastery, he wouldn’t do it. He wanted to be in the world, working for the Dharma.

When you have passion in what you do albeit cooking or cleaning, meditating or singing, when you are able to single mindedly perform your all your deeds, you will never fail to impress nor fall short of your goals. Your performance comes straight from the heart and you become the Creator or act in His Image. It take ultimate passion to create this whole Universe as it is with all its strength and weaknesses, all its faults and successes. I doubt that the Good Lord ever claimed anywhere in His good books that He was Creating a perfect Universe.; correct me if I am wrong I for one am for sure far from perfect.

Attaining the Perfection of Wisdom

There are just certain things that you are not going to be good at no matter what and for me it is selling; I am useless when it comes to any kind of business dealings albeit selling my artworks or flipping burgers. As my neighbor at the Food Court, the Satay seller commented to me last night, "You just don't have the "Aura" like your daughter. Yeah, I agreed with him, I don't have good looks and the charm, the warm customer friendly and easy to talk to traits like her Mom was.
To preach without becoming the preacher, teach without the personality of a teacher, to lead the way without assuming leadership is the Way of the Mindful. It is the Way of the man of 'Wu Wei' or inactive action, or detached involvement and the key trait of this action is in being spontaneous in action. This ability comes with years of cultivation of the human spirit into pure consciousness; it is the essence of human development. To recognize this ability in oneself through others' observation especially, is rewarding, it is a good feeling like one has attained to certain degree of success in one's understanding of being human. It is like being .The Fisher of Men and not just the fisherman. This is the mark of a great teacher or master or guide or elder in societies, the one who stands in the front of the line of fire, the one who is looked upon with awe and respect.
This is far from the exhibition of an egoistic claim but merely an observation and this trait is common to many and not exclusive to any group or type of character. A genuine man of knowledge and wisdom does not run around claiming his credentials nor does he display his certificates, he is pointed out and acknowledged by his fellow man. He is the policeman without uniform and badges, the judge, jury and executioner who walks the street and sits in secession in the courts of the coffee shops and the campfires. He is the man who has attained the ability to speak and listen with his heart. He has transcended the lesser values and attained to the higher calls of the human spirit to serve his fellow man. He is the snake that has shed his old skin and don the cloak of the servant of his Lord; he has become the voice or reason that counters the chaos that threatens the very foundation of humanity's existence.
He becomes the Man of Tao, he assumes the role of the Awakened One, he becomes the Perfect man, Al Insan Kamil; he wears the robe of his tribe.
In Islamic theology, al-Insān al-Kāmil (Arabic: الإنسان الكامل‎) also rendered as Insān-i Kāmil (Persian/Urdu: انسان کامل) and İnsan-ı Kâmil (Turkish), is a term used as an honorific title to describe Muhammad. The phrase means "the person who has reached perfection."^[1] It is an important concept in Islamic culture of the prototype human being, pure consciousness, one's true identity, to be contrasted with the material human who is bound by one's senses and materialism. The term was originally used by Sunni Sufis and is still used by them, however it is also used by Alawis and Alevis.^[2] This idea is based upon a hadith,^[2] which was used byIbn Arabi, that states about Prophet Muhammad, 'I was a prophet when Adam was between water and clay'.^[3]
Wikipedia.
He is the carpenter, the fisherman, the automobile mechanic and he walks among his fellow man sometimes like a beggar and sometimes a king as the perfect man is perfect in all that he is no matter his role. No man can become the Perfect man by trying or with conscious effort and not credential is given for such a man that says he has qualified for such a role like those given to Bishops and Judges or Kings and Presidents; Perfection of Wisdom Is, none who attains it. 

The origin of al-insān al-kāmil[edit]

Mansur al-Hallaj and Al-Biruni expressed the idea within their works.^[5][6] The concept was also applied by Ibn Arabi, a well-respected and influential Islamic thinker.^[7] The origin of this concept is derived from the Quran and Hadith. As mentioned in Ibn Arabi's Fusus Al-Hikam, "Muhammad's wisdom is uniqueness (fardiya) because he is the most perfect existent creature of this human species. For this reason, the command began with him and was sealed with him. He was a Prophet while Adam was between water and clay, and his elemental structure is the Seal of the Prophets."^[8]

In the Quran, man’s hierarchical status above all beings is seen, as it states that God created humans in the fairest stature.^[9] Due to this occurrence the human is favored by God and is said to be given God’s light which leads through them to complete perfection. The previous saying illuminates the idea that behind the true objective behind creation is God’s desire to be known. which is fulfilled through the perfect human being.^[9] wikipedia.   

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2016!

                                            

This is the first morning of a new day, a new week, a new month and a New Year; fare thee well 2015 and hello 2016. It has been one long drag of a year 2015 has been for most people nationally as well as internationally; I would not consider it to be one of the most prosperous year of my life. What happened? What went down? There is no point in looking back and recapping the whole year's events but the most highest moment or lowest, depending on how you look at it was in having to deal with my daughter's career moves from one job to another. It was a period of my being a father to her and how i handled her needs and how she reciprocated to my ways. it was not and easy year for both of us but it was a very good learning experience and i believe it also to be very fruitful. We have been able to come to see eye to eye of each other's ways as well learned to love and respect more between father and daughter.
Through her experience in the contemporary work place such as the Gala Restaurant and after the The Merchant Hotel here in Georgetown, I have come to respect her gumption about not willing to work for others anymore and wanting to do what she really cares about in her life. After quitting the Hotel, she was offered a manager's position to run a restaurant with a good salary but she turned it down and chose to flip burgers instead. She is doing this so that she can attend a seamstress class in the day time that will help her into becoming a fashion designer. So far so good. It is going to be a long haul but she seems happy and what is more important she is enthusiastic about it all.
                                               

Close friends the Western Food Corner chef.

 Her enthusiasm has affected me personally too and i find myself fulfilling my namesake and that being the "Cheeseburger Buddha' as i become her helper. 
A whole new experience opens up as we prepare burgers for customers who are mostly Chinese at the predominantly Chinese food court. I get to meet characters that i normally would not have any reason to even for a brief moment and i also got to know better our fellow vendors selling all kinds of food around us.

 The 'Ikan Bakar' BBQ Fish Lady.

                                             

Our neighbor the Satay Lady.

The New Year will I hope be a more productive one for all of us as we stroll along our individual paths towards what lies ahead and in store for us. As it is I feel fortunate that all three of us including my son Karim are hanging out together doing our own thing while helping out in any way we can to make it all come together for whatever each aspires to accomplish. I am happy that we can share what little we have and enjoy each other's company while it last.
For whatever it is worth, here is wishing all the Very best of a Happy new Year from us, 'The Baharis'.
Whatever it is - Let's make It Happen!