As the Lunar calendar of the Chinese New Year approaches I feel like my time has arrived to tear myself through the China house and shatter this illusion called 'My life' as the final act of defiance as an Ox born; I am going live on You Tube to tell my story. Yes I am evolving from my sketch book journals to my Blogging and now to videos exposing the lives and times of the Cheeseburger Buddha; the stubborn old fool who refuses to give up and fade away quietly into the night. No Sir, this bull of an ox has still got some steam left to kick up a storm among those whose minds are open and genuine enough to share the journey of one who has lived life according to his own rhythm and blues. The journey of self discovery, a journey set about since 1978 when I first decided to keep an ongoing journal/sketch book upon making a trip to England. My first journal after all these years is still with me to remind of my resolution to keep an ongoing journal of my life as an artist, a father, a husband, and the rest.
Telling it as it is with no holds barred except whne what i reveal might incriminate myself or harm others in any way, I will be as honest as I possibly can to share the truth of what it has been like and what it was all meant to be; my life, the quest to realize who I truly am beyond name and form. To share my strength and weaknesses, pleasures and sorrows, my spiritual growth and my decadence of spirit; how far or how near am I towards my self liberation from the cycle of life and death and rebirth as the Buddha had revealed. This has been a journey of self healing. a journey of unveiling of the broken or splintered spirit since the day I was born, an unwanted child given up for adoption and raised for twelve years of my child hood as a Buddhist in a Muslim household and community. This is my story, a story of pain and anger, shame and guilt growing up living on the periphery of life for fear of being abused and ridiculed; how I became a demon in my early years, I grew in to an adult life a very angry entity with a very low self esteem and destructive nature.
Try as hard as I could I still have problem discarding my deep rooted karmic past, my anger and psycho-emotional baggage have become so much a apart of me that I sometimes thought of ending my life prematurely which I attempted on two separate occasions in the past. These are my stories to be unveiled as they arise or if and when they arise accordingly as this is how my mind function or so I have observed over the years. I also realize that these episodes and dramas of my past experiences will continue on to haunt me until I can uproot them completely through self revelation or in short an open confession not before a priest or a psychiatrist but before humanity itself.
Having been converted to Islam at the age of twelve when I was returned to my parents to be raised as such on the the East Coast state of Terengganu, I accepted God as Allah and when I call out to Him in my darkest hours I always call out Ya Allah, Ya Rab, and my only prayer to Him is and has always been Astarghfirrullah al GhafurruRahim. I only sk for His mercy and Forgiveness as I know fully well what a sinner i have been throughout my life. However having been raised a Buddhist for twelve of my childhood years has an impact upon my faith and practice throughout my life and this have been one critical aspect of my lifelong journey, an issue I have been trying to bring to a conciliation and conclusion.
Thus as stubborn as my nature is I shall keep on plodding towards understanding the whole nature of my existence or what makes me who I am. I put no blame upon others no matter what the circumstances mat be nor do I apologize for what I have committed as this is my journey and mine alone towards the seat of the Lord of Power to Whom I will answer all my transgressions as I present my final analysis, a final portfolio of this journey. But for the Love and grace of my Lord I would have definitely ended in an insane asylum or ended my own life prematurely for I had on any occasions stood on the precipice and stared into the emptiness before me with a sense of loneliness and despair, often my journals and writings has been there as reminders for me of why I am who I am, my purpose if not responsibility of being on this life's highway.
"Beings are numberless, I vow to awaken with them.
Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them.
The Dharma Gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.
The Buddha's Way is unsurpassed I vow attain it."
Insha'Allah.
Fear - a poem by Khalil Gibran
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.
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