What do you really desire, Bahari?

So! What gives Bahari? Are your days numbered/ Are you in the process of shelving all your past and present experiences leaving behind a legacy of unfinished business, incomplete assignments and unfulfilled dreams or are going to continue on fighting this drag and impasse, being stuck in a rut and not being creative mode to the end? All these talks of self discovery and sense of well being and spiritual attainments where have it all got you to.how far or how near re you from your final destination. Are you any closer to God? Or are you still floating in limbo with thoughts and ideas, imagination and dreams while scratching your balls from the crap that is not giving up that is burning between your legs. Yes, is this all there is to it after all these years of experimenting with yourself or so you say, what have you got to show?  
What a way to start the day? Woke up with a nasty migraine and itch between the legs and having tasteless oats for breakfast to keep the cholesterol level down and my daughter complain of stomach pains; what else can go wrong. Well at least I can still write down my thoughts and emotions negative as they may seem to be, but such is reality, there are ups and down and at present it is not too bad actually considering that i am still far better off than most of my fellow man. I am not fighting a war nor am i being driven out of my home by floods and high winds like in Texas. I am not sleeping in carton boxes along walkways and underneath freeways, nor am I dying of a cureless disease; yes, what am I complaining about. My days may be numbered but I am still alive and my mind is still busy as a bee writing to express itself so that it can clear away as much garbage as it can before getting down to the real preparation for the appointment with God.
I am the master of my thoughts and consciousness, my environment and circumstances and I am the master of my body, speech and mind, as a matter of fact I am the master of my own destiny; what is the problem? Perhaps the problem is in what is it that i really and truly wish for in this life to consider that I have lived well indeed. Upon deliberation on the question over the years I have come to the conclusion the I yearn for being fully awaken, being enlightened completely and being liberated from this cycle of life death and rebirth absolutely. This is my ultimate desire in this life, I wish to gather my chips, throw in the towel and walk away from the table free from any debt and attachments, cleanse of any need or cravings, empty, with only the lightness of being a light. I wish to return to the source that had placed me on this planet as a temporary experiment, to become one with the One; this is my ultimate desire.
Added at 6pm. same day;
I just received the news that my cousin Johan Hamid passed away not too ;ong ago; He was the young man I visited a few times at the Lam Wa EE hospital a couple of weeks ago. What else could go wrong you say,...Such Is!
Innalillahi  wa'innalillahi Rajiun!
You came from Him, to Him you return, my brother.
Updated 12 midnight.
Just got home from having my cousin brother laid in the ground. His body arrived from the hospital after the post mortem and after being washed and cleaned at the mosque cemetery in Gelugor, and was laid to rest at eleven pm. It is customary that the body of a bloody body be buried soonest possible especially if the person had died from an unexplainable illness. But in the cover of darkness all went well and the youngest of my adopted taher's son is with him now; may he find peace in the hereafter for he was a gentle and kind hearted man who filled others with laughter.
Such was the day that began with a nasty migraine and lost in limbo.