I Love Who I am.

 It takes a great deal of nothing to waste life away trying to figure out what it is all about in the end. To most it is a matter of having lived life as profitably as one possibly can and be able to say, "Look at all that i have been able to accumulate. My wealth and my fortune, my good health and my progeny, my fame and my charitable virtues. At the end of the day, if one can claim all these as one's merit in life, perhaps one has lived life far better than most. As for me, all I can say is I have failed at most of these and cannot claim that i have lived life when all these measures are taken into account; I am a disappoint to myself and to others. 
If given another chance to live this life again I most probably would continue making the same errors and end up where i am at and so hopefully this will be the final cut, the last act of living in this realm of existence of mediocrity and wastefulness. I am my worse critic I have been told often enough and i should stop comparing myself to others who I deem as being successful in the ir lives as evident by their accumulations of merits and wealth. I am who I am. I have been up and down this road doing what I can to make the best out of the worse and avoiding from being sucked into the same rut as most has slipped into; I have done my damndest to be different from the rest. I have refused stubbornly to accept what is the norm and taken chances that there is yet another way of looking at life. I have trodden over the years roads less taken and streets that leads to nowhere just to find out, prove to myself that I was capable of getting my fingers dirty when it need be. I have been frowned upon and hated and i have earned my share of love and respect along the way, but there is still an empty hole in my heart that has yet to be filled and this has been aching for a very long time.
Will I be able to find the peace and tranquility that man desires, or will i simply be buried with questions unanswered just like the rest of those who went before me? Have i taken too many wrong turns while on this journey as to not be able to find my way back home? Who am I? What have i accomplished? What good am i to humanity having occupied time and space on this planet for the span of sixty odd years?  Is this all it amounts to, this state of being in limbo at the fall of  the curtain of my life? I can go on and on playing this melodramatic violin concerto and hopefully find myself some form of solace or even the grace of god, but enough  is enough. Like a broken record, i just need to shift the needle out of the groove into the next; i got to get myself out of this rut. This is the mind's favorite rut; the rut that leads to despair.
It is safe to say that in this day and age most of humanity are stuck in this very same rut as enough is never enough and the seeking for more than has become the end game for most of us. What is missing is the act of merciful kindness, the sharing and the giving, the thankfulness and the compassion; what is missing today is genuine unconditional Love. I have little to give or share but my 'ramblings'. I hope that through this never ending twists and turns of thoughts and ideas about who I am or what my feelings are from day to day, moment to moment, i can share a piece of me that in some small way be of significance in someone else's life. I hope that my self exposure will inadvertently help another being to shed some light into his or her own quest for answers. I am good at turning the negative into positive or so i have been told, I have been able to sieve through my thoughts and my mind over the years and perhaps this self digestion has its fruition; a glimpse of my Buddha Nature. It might be my legacy having shared my life with the world in this manner; self expose. 
On looking back, what is wealth? having lived for 21 years in the US and three years in Japan, that was costly by all counts. having tasted the ambience of a few of the most expensive hot spots in Dubai and spent over a year in this sand city, was not a cheap venture.either and having traveled to countries in Europe and  South America, i will not call that a poor man's lot. Hence, what is wealth but how you look at it, it is relative. What are my accomplishments? I have been there and done that which includes being a well respected artist among my peers and i have been credited with quite a few solo exhibitions in different parts of the world. I have worked at so many different jobs that i have lost count and each and everyone was an experience that I have accumulated not only in terms of making a living but also of the human connection and interhuman relationships. I may not be a religious man, but spiritually i have had my share of serious dives and awakenings. I have dared to defy and embrace whatever and whenever the situations call for in order that I may satisfy my conscience and accept the truth. God? Allah? God is always behind me, watching over me and Loving me. My Lord, the God i Love is a God of Love and Compassion and in this is my faith.
My progeny? I leave behind me four great individuals that I have sired through three great ladies, two Americans and one Swiss. How? Read this lengthy Blog to find the answers.