The First Day.of Ramadan

The first day of the Fasting Month of Ramadhan and form today onwards life will take a whole new routine and the struggle begins to maintain one's self discipline and perhaps perform better at fasting than the previous years. I have my cousin brother whose performance has become my gauge and he is trying his best to get me to become a good Muslim or at least a performing Muslim, meaning that I abide by all the obligatory activity demanded by the Faith. I am sill at odds with this perhaps my faith has for so long been in doubt that like an addict i am prone to regression at the slightest influence or temptation. It is often to my embarrassment or guilt conscience that will trigger me to look deeper into the reason why I lack the will to just do what is expected of me as a Muslim.

Hence starting on today i will keep a close watch over how i perform and share this as openly as i can and hopefully it will reveal more my weaknesses or perhaps my strength as a 'Good Muslim'. I am not trying to say or convince anyone Muslim or otherwise  the religion is any better or worse than others , all i am doing is get deeper into seeing who I am and how seriously am i committed to my faith as a Muslim. I read an entry in the Face Book someone saying" Burn me in Hell if I worship because of the fear of Hell or something to this effect and i am of the same sentiment in this respect. It would be a lie to say that i am not afraid of Hell or what lies in the grave when I expire but I also am not totally sold of the idea that the after life will be all that dark and painful for all of us as God is not about hatred and revenge even if there are those that deserve such retributions. I see life as suffering for man already just as the Buddha saw it thousands of years ago and protested. There is an element of unfairness in being born into this world that man has no understanding of nor the capability to overcome unless the Buddha's Way is achieved till the end. However to attain to the Buddha's Way will take life times of existence it is said and in more than one way goes against the tenets of Islam. So what is left choice wise for us but to find ways and means like the Buddha did to find ways and means towards being liberated from this depressing state of being that we are in.
I Am Whole! I Am Perfect! Strong and Powerful!
I am Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy!
I can do what I will to do!
This the state of mind i have frequency myself  into through reminding myself time and again especially when i feel like the world is crushing on top of me. Perhaps i have not reminded myself often enough and allowed my mind to drift back into its slave mode, helpless and not in control. So back to the meditating mat and realignment of my thought projections. I have to detach from this present dead zone that I am in. I have of step out of it into a new dimension which is more positive and invigorating if not challenging. My approach has always been trying to turn a negative situation into a positive outcome and if I find no way of doing this at any given moment I choose to retreat or abstain myself from taking any form of action; some deem it as 'He's being lazy. Yes it is perhaps true and when I find myself in this state of mind I also find myself physically not at my best. As it is I am having a hard time keeping from breaking my fast as I get tremendous amount of sharp pains in my chest from gastric attacks. I feel weak and lethargic with no energy to even get out of bed sometimes. So I see these as symptoms that calls for some form of drastic change of pace, a shift in paradigm in how i correct my present state of being.