Still, this too will pass

Have been very much under the weather with cough and sore throat and chest pains and lack of the desire to eat and tires easily; blame it on the weather. I most probably have one thing or another that will spell my end but till it hits me i am not going to let it be a cancer case and die of worry and stress. Cut back some on my smoking is all i can do and get enough decent sleep, otherwise I am just letting it work its course out and move on with what needs to be dealt with. It seems like the will to do more than is necessary is no more there and i am getting less and less focused on what is at hand, loosing touch with my old spirit of action and adventure. But then again, 'and this too will pass..' I look forward to taking a trip to the East Coast with my son and let him enjoy the South China Sea and her beaches..Perhaps it is time for me to swallow a few gulps of that salty water to clean up my insides like I used to in the old days living in Terengganu.

Whatever it is that is ailing me it is not just physical, not just your average aches and pains, I feel somewhat sad or even depressed despite the fact that three of my children are here together with me and they are all doing their thing quite admirably as well as to be expected and by right there is some sense of pride to be felt as a father, but I still feel this emptiness within, like something is missing, a sense of loneliness deep within, perhaps like a spiritual longing that needs to be fulfilled. All of the above or none of the above, whatever it is it is not a good feeling to have no matter sick or otherwise and i have to get to the bottom of this sooner or later.It seems as one gets older in age one becomes more and more absorbed in the little things in life, like old ladies fussing over linens and rags from the closet leftover from time gone by; what to keep what to get rid of. So am I looking into my mind and weeding out and sieving what is no more valid and what is useful to take along with me into the future; I am perhaps unconsciously doing my spring cleaning in preparation for the coming days ahead. 

Am I going through some form of changes that I am not aware of in the event of my ageing process, my mind taking its cue at long last in manifesting what is emptiness of being, that state of not having anymore attachment to life as it is manifested by my mental images. I feel like Gautama, when he was dissatisfied with the protected life he was living, a life of grand illusion created by his father to protect him from the experience of suffering, keeping him safe in the comfort zone of life. Not that I am living in any form of comfort zone as it is but, still i do not feel the challenge, I could spend the whole day watching movies on 'Youtube' and there is no one to stop me, what a waste that would be. Yes i miss the organic farm somewhere out there in the foothills of Belantik, in Sik, Kedah.

Is this all there is to life? What more am I to expect? I can feel the pains of death approaching me but in what form i am yet not sure and I hope that when i get hit by it it will not be a prolonged agony of pain and uncertainty, I pray that it will be swift. Sadly enough life is really not what it cracked out to be, at least not in this life and i cannot speak for what lies in the after. In more than one ways the Buddha was right, Life is indeed suffering and especially for those who suffers in ignorance. The way to liberation is for those who is awakened from this long sleep that we have been sucked into and the aspiration to break free from the slumber before it turns into a nightmare.Perhaps there is nothing worse than being dead while in your sleep because you will never know then if you are really dead or not, or if you are still dreaming.

Am I obsessed with death? I should be! It is the only thing that is as real as it gets in this life and it does not take one to be old for it to happen, so should I not be obsessed? Perhaps not, perhaps just being totally aware in consciousness as to the whole process of living itself is what understanding death is all about; what good is the end when you have not tasted the beginning and the journey in between. What good is life if you have given it all you got but play it safe and swindle you way through all in the name of survival and in the end try to justify yourself as to how and why you did what you did just to save your skin from the fires of hell.(if you are a believer). Such is ultimate suffering and it is all in the mind, mind created and mind designed. To be be liberated is to be free from mental delusions, from mental images and mind created egoic perceptions. To break free from the shackles of ignorance and blindness of spirit, to become one with That which is Truth in its Divine nature. (call It what you like.)   

Yes I am in physical if not psychological and emotional pain, I am having a flu, sore throat and the works but this too will pass. Out there somewhere my children all four of them are doing their thing, it is their time as mine is about expires and what more can I ask for but a smooth transition into the next phase of existence whatever that may be I will accept it. I have lived and cannot say that i have wasted my life doing it because my life with all its ups and downs is still worth relating and worth for some to read about. Only now it is time to prepare to face my death which aught to be a little more challenging as it is a journey into the unknown, a 'One step beyond' where none has return to tell tales about it.  .