The Ramazan is slipping by...

The fasting month of Ramazan this year is approaching its end in the next few days and AidilFitri will fall on Sunday and what a month it had been for this lost soul. It has been a trying month indeed as i am struggling with my financial lacking and at the same time dealing with the personal issues on the psychological level and not to mention the spiritual one. As alaways i kept my mind occupied by painting the house inside out which used up a whole lot of my energy and thus lessening my mind from wandering too much.
It helps to fast when I have my son and my elder sister here doing it along with my cousins but it does not stop me from flaking out a day or two when my mind simply could not handle it. Torturous as it is, there is no doubt in my mind that fasting the days away had its benefit; it is a great challenge to my ego if nothing else. It helps me to evaluatate myself how far or how near I have come in this process of self discovery;like what are my weaknesses are and what needs to be looked into where my relationship to others is concern.I realize that I am getting too old to be having my doubts about life especially my faith and so forth, however i still am on the road to find out; finding out it seems has no end to it; the more you discover about yourself the more you start to doubt or so it seems.
It seems like I am standing over the edge looking down an abyss of nothingness an emptiness that is not what I had expected; I am feeling like I am lost rather than discover my way. Oddly enough, I find myself still asking the same primary question; who am I? How or where do i fit into all these? How can i walk through this life without getting sucked into its dramas and consequences? Is my meditation practice helping any or am I totally misleading myself all along? Is it because i had forsaken wealth; that i chose not to pursue money; would it had made it any different if I had been as rich as my twin brother?
Another year is passing by according to the Muslim calendar and I am still not anywhere close to being at peace with life and life it seems is getting more and more of a turmoil all around me; wars, famine, earthquakes and social illnesses beyond control; will it ever happen this so called peace for humanity for me? perhaps not in my lifetime, does not look like it is but is there even a hope for the future? Perhaps God has all the answers already and at the end of days it will all come together like a plan; in the meantime keep your faith in getting to know who you are, why you are here in the first place.

"You have to find out what truth is, because that is what really matters - not whether you are rich or poor, or whether you are happily married and have children, for all these things come to an end; and there is always death. So, without any form of belief, you must have the vigour, the self-reliance, the initiative to find out for yourself what truth is, what God is. Belief will not free your mind; belief only corrupts, binds, darkens. The mind can be free only through its own vigour and self-reliance. "
                                                                         J.Krishnamurti.

Thus far in my life I seem to find that truths are often ugly whether it is about myself or those around me; it seems the closer i get to the truth about someone the more i see the ugliness inherent in that person. There lacks genuine sincerity it seems among my so called friends and acquaintences or is it me? Am I not the one manifesting these persons in my life; the back stabbers and the self servers of my circle of friends; those i have come to lay my trust upon. This fasting month I saw allot of truths in this matter as i sat in the middle of the night seiving through what waht was or what has been and sadly enough I find myself being short-changed or being taken for a ride by the very people i beleived in or took to be my trusted friends; this never happened before as often enough had chosen to seek the positive while meditating and ignore the negative aspects of my relationship with others; a mistake?
I am hard on myself, or so I was once told by a close friend at the Zen Practice Center; perhaps I am and start focusing my attention on all that has been taking place in my life through the affects of being a vicitm of others' taking advantage of me. Is it worth my time looking into some mad bugger's mind on how and why it affects me? The American saying is 'It's a dog eat dog' world we live in trust no one especially those who claims to have your welfare at heart; this old dog is getting tired of being bitten once too often.in short, no more Mr. Nice Guy! I will remain civil and respectful if I am treated with the same , however if there is any stench of making me look bad feel sorry or undermine my being who I am than be prepared for a backlash. This goes to my relatives friends and foes alike; I have earned my rights of passage over the years and deserve better.
On this last few days of the ramazan let me make it clear that my faith, my belief and my way of living is not for anyone to question anymore. I have chosen my path, for better or worse it is mine and as I have said time and again I answer to my Maker and my Maker alone; so spare me any judgements or condemnation; if you cannot help again I say stand out of my way dont become another hurdle in my path.

"A man who really sees the truth of this, has no ideal, no example; he is not following anybody. For him there is no guru, no Mahatma, no heroic leader. He is constantly understanding what lies within himself and what he hears from others, whether it be from his father or mother, from a teacher, or from a person like myself who occasionally comes into his life."
                                        J.K.