Who am I for the umteenth time...

I began this blogging just to discover thae answer to this hot ball of fire that has been burning a hole in my stomach demanding to nkow the who and the wherefore and what for, am I and i so far lost from finding that truth so much to that i have come to the point of even doubting my faith and belief in my maker! Thats who i am at this time and this moment in time. Who am I? I just through tirring five huge pots of curries to feed a toatal of 2500 people working part time for my cousin at the Wawasan Catering. One huge pot of Ayam merah (Red chicken curry) One huge pot of Daging Hitam (Black beef Curry), another two huge pots of Dalca curry (Lentils curry), One huge pot of Kurmah Daging ( well beef Kurmah?) and various other smaller jobs like cleaning up and ... I am a tired 60 year old! One who wished sometimes God had not done me the favor of being in the company of my twin brother when I was born. Despised by my mother from day one for being an added burden to the family who was then living in poverty (according the the lady who delivered us, my late auntie who was also the village midwife). Yes i lived with this knowledge eversince I was a child growing up botha Buddhist, to please the man who adopted me and a Muslim to please the rest of the household including my relatives cousins and friends in the small village of Kampung Selut, Sungai Pinang. I lived with the knowledge that theman who raised me as his son also raped my sister among other unmetionable acts that i cannot mention here... and i grew up watching my sister being slapped by her husband later in life for not being a virgin on their wedding night. Yes thats me as a child growing up, hating every day of my existence so much so that i said fuck it all and went about becoming the most incorrigible womaniser, self centered, narcistic SOB pointing my finger at the Creator a few times in my life. I attempted but never had the guts to end my life at least three times that I can remember for i had no love for who I am for i know not who I am.
But here i am after over sixtiy odd years and numerous relationships that i have lost count of and four children that I know of to my name and still asking the same old gut wrenching question why the F*** was I being born into this life? If I were a Buddhist i coud use various excuses based on Karmic consequences and Incarnation and such but to me the Buddha was a Prophet and a great teacher whose teachings I had followed and practiced for a number of years while living abroad but i finsd no conclusion in the teaching. I find that Buddhism left me hanging when it comes to the matter of the after life. As much as I like the idea of Karmic consequences and the evolution of the spirit through incarnation I still cannot accept its truthas it leaves too much holes and loophole that is still a question, not and answer. Perhaps there is not answer to life or who I am in the Buddhist sense, just an illusion...MAYA!
I was converted to Islam when I was twelve while living in Terengganu after being returned to my family when it was found that I was a great Buddhist scholar as well as a Muslim . As the Buddha once is said to have uttered, "Such Is!". Yes such is life for some of us, I grew up a teenager despised by my twin for appearing into his life and by oldest brother to whom i was always "A clown and a dreamer" and he should know for he was my English teacher as well as the school disciplinary teacher! Till this day my face still smarts from being slapped by him in order to knock some sense into my head. As a teenager I left my home three times to return to Penang and the only person who made any effort to stop me was my elder sister. I am still running away from home wherever that is from whoever i I have no idea anymore. If not for my two children today i would be in Thailand somewhere or Indonesia hidden deep in a cave rotting, seeking the answer to this question who am I?
I discovered islam in the United States after being spiritually lost and living the life of one who had no desire for life other than livng the moment because i was too scared to tkae my own life. Ironically those years that I gave up wanting to know anymore were the best years of my life. Right and wrong was of no consequence, good and bad was boiled down to a matter of survival. But life has its own way of shaping even rough stone like me and my saving grace had always been my talent in being creative as an artist or maybe even as a thinker. Perhaps my eldest brother was right in a way, the clown is an artist and the dreamer, a thinker. I am fortunate enough to not have succumbed to being a drug addict or an alcoholic as it was the most tempted way out for most people with my profile and am able to create the circumstances and thought my way out of the dilemas I was in.
Someone commented in my blog in Malay about how bad and worthless I am as a man and this was the best comment from anyone I have ever received even if it was an anonymous.

Anonymous said...
1.Bila berduit jgn besar kepala,jgn boros,jgn ajar anak jadi boros,
2.Jgn selalu pandang rendah pada orang.
3.Jgn ingat diri tu bagus sangat padahal habuk pun tarak.
4.Menjadi orang tua bukan bermaksud awak boleh pijak kepala org yg lebih muda dari awak dan awak tak semestinya betul dalam semua hal.
5.Jgn sebab awak dah duduk di negara asing selama berpuluh tahun awak sudah sgt bagus padahal awak sebenarnya tidak mencapai apa2 dalam hidup awak.
6.Jgn salahkan org lain atas apa yg terjadi pada diri dan keluarga awak,muhasabah diri awak sebab apa yang terjadi adalah kesilapan dari awak.Awk selalu salahkan adik-beradik awak,pernahkah awak dengar nasihat mereka ? awak seorang manusia yg keras kepala,susah utk ditegur kerana awak cepat melenting,sebab itu awak kerap bertukar kerja satu ketika dahulu kerana awak tidak tahan apabila ditegur.
5.Nancy,pernahkah awak tanya apa kehendak isteri awak? adakah awak melayan dia dgn baik? Sebelum awak hnatar dia ke USA,dia bagi tau saya tentang rasa takut dia terhadap seorang lelaki bernama Shamsul,fikiran dia kacau tapi dia ingat tentang awak,tidak ada memori yang baik tentang awak dalam diri dia ketika itu,kerana awak selalu memarahi dia,awak panggil dia 'stupid',sebenarnya dia jadi begitu kerana awak..dia takutkan awak..awak adalah suami yg perengus,dia kerja tapi duit awak yg habiskan utk beli peralatan utk lukisan awak,anak2 pun awak x pandai ajar,awak ajar anak awak jadi boros,bukn sahaja boros tapi tak reti bertatasusila,awak ni melayu yang tidak ada identiti.
6.Berhenti salahkan orang atas apa yg terjadi pada diri awak,disebabkan kebodohan awaklah nasib anak2 awak seperti ini,lagipun anak2 awak tak bertatasusila,patutlah pakcik dan makcik mereka tak sukakan mereka.

I am guilty as Charged to all these accusations I replied sometime ago as i was in Bali having a good time when I received this comment. No sense in trying to justify myself to some who has the notion that he or she knows my life and my late wife so well. No justification wil convince this type of vengeance but it was meant to hurt and it did. it was meant to make me feel small and remorseful it did not! It only confirms my believe that I am who I am, a man who has no idea of who he is or why he is for what he is. All the goodness I have done in this life I know only the AlMighty keeps tracks of and this is all that matters. I answer to Him when the time comes and having written this lengthy blog over the years has allowed me to see a little better my way for whats it is worth, for better or worse. I have made alot of great friends and a few anemies in my life but that is life. For those I* have hurt, I say I am sorry, for those I have borrowed from and could not repay, all I ask is that they Halal the debt as i do the same to those who owe me. Time and again I have confessed that i am not a perfect man and never claimed to be and that I live my life to the best of my ability creating the best of possibilities out of the worse, Insha"Allah.
Hence before you decide to poit your finger at me in accustaiton take a very close look at yours and make damn sure that it is squeaky clean.
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! AND ENTER THE TIGER!