Sunday, May 14, 2017

I witness myself.

The call for 'zuhr' or noon prayer just began from the nearby State Mosque and i just sat with my cup of coffee and a cup of instant noodle facing the Lap -top to jot down my next entry; it is Sunday. I had stayed up most of the night listening to Osho aka Bhagavan Shri Rajneesh on the You Tube talking about Death and so forth. I fell asleep at call for 'Subh' or dawn prayer from the same mosque and woke woke up half an hour ago and my daughter has left for work taking the 'Uber' as Dad is not leaving the house today, maybe. A little background would help to get the mood going as it going to be another long and hopefully productive day whatever that entails. First came to sight is 'Best Epic Music Collection' Mix and it started off with my all time favorite, "Last of the Mohicans," as i keep saying to those who care to listen, it is all there at your fingertips. Van Gelis, Hans Zimmer, Trevor Jones Lisa Gerard and a host of other great contemporary song writers, that soon will turn you into a connoisseur of contemporary classical music while you keep the mind entertained.
No, I don't pray and i hope it answers the question for all those good Muslims around the world and if that makes me a non-Muslim in their eyes so be it; it is entirely between me and Maker as far as i am concern. It is not that i reuse to pray the five times a day prayer just like all the rest of the Muslims all over the world but i simply can't for some odd reason, i find it is not how i communicate with my Lord, it simply does not happen for me. Call it ego or pride or whatever that crosses the mind to judge me, till I find the feeling of being connected in His presence through my prayer than perhaps i will attempt to do it consistently. But till then I will meet my Lord in my own way and it is not that am not afraid of the afterlife and all the punishments in store for  stubborn man like me, but it is a matter of principle, I simply find no satisfaction is praying ritually five times a day. As it is i have slowly bu surely removed my self from my Muslim friends and relatives around me sp as not to offend them with my presence especially during the prayer times.
As the Fasting Month of Ramadan is approaching I dread more than look forward to yet another month of observing more rituals and the feeling of guilt for not being able to perform as completely like the rest of them. At my age to have these doubts is a very dangerous predicament as some would point out for death is at my doorstep an what i have to offer as an excuse for not being a good practicing Muslim is lame to say the least. I Love my Lord and I fear Him for the things i have been told he is capable of in metting out His judgement for the likes of me. For whatever good it may do, I keep telling myself that i yearn not for heaven nor do I hanker for hell, I just want to return to the One Who owns that which is within me; my soul if it may be called that. I just want to return to the source; I just want to go home and end this very existence for good. But if it His Will that shall be done then i prostrate myself before Him and accept whatever is in store for me. Perhaps i am expressing my faith in complete ignorance at the moment, but i know myself and the transgression i have and still is committing in my life and for this I can only hope for the Mercy and Grace of my Lord for only he knows better. My Lord is  Merciful and Forgiving, this i hold as my faith and He is not the wrathful God that craze to punish his creation for what has already been destined to be in each and every life of His servant. My Lord is more than Fair in His Way and this is what makes me take upon myself towards self discovery as my path to my Lord and not the ways of the Prophets or the Saints. I walk the path of the Buddha as it allows for me to go deeper into who I am more so than Islam does. I was born and raised a Buddhist for twelve years of my life before i converted to Islam and in that twelve years I have come to rely on the teachings of the Buddha for my sanity and survival; Buddhism is no stranger to me. As Islam strikes fear into my heart, the Buddha's teaching gives me a sense of Compassion, Acceptance and Forgiveness. It gives me an open road towards discovering for myself the truth about myself, life and God.
Perhaps in attaining the Buddha's Liberation I can at the same time attain 'Fana' ' that in Islam is considered a criteria for all Muslim to attain in order to become one with the One. It is said that the Buddha has once declared that because of the believe in existence of the 'self' or the 'I', one suffers in ignorance. When there is no Self , no I, who is there to suffer? Thus His saying about suffering, "Life is suffering, but none who suffers, Enlightenment is, but none who attains it." It is like saying I have attained enlightenment or I am liberated from this life, who is making this declaration: the self? the I? And who have this Self or I been liberated from or to who is this declaration being made?  Who is the witness to this whole phenomena of being enlightened or liberated? The Buddha did this before thousand upon thousand of His followers, but He did it as a testimony of His teaching and not to anyone in particular as He declared to himself, "I, am no more." The I has ceased to be, no more I to identify with, complete annihilation of who I am. If there is to be a witness, it will have to be the Universe or simply God the Creator of all there is 
WallahuAllam...only He knows.

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