A Short visit to Kuala Terengganu.

Picture in the Moonlight
I took a short trip to Kuala Terengganu to attend my friend's son's wedding and as usual drove alone in my Kancil through the night as I had done eight times before making this trip the 9th. The reason I am telling this is because for those who are not familiar, the Kancil is the about the smallest car created by Perodua the local car manufacturer and for one to it across the country from West to the east Coast is not something one brags about especially when the trip is done at night. The stretch of road between the small town of Grik on the West Coast and that of Jeli on the Eastern side is a deserted stretch frequent by elephants and even tigers crossing at night and it crosses the Central mountain range of the Titiwangsa the spine of the Malay Peninsular.

Sunset over the South China Sea -1

By perhaps sheer luck i made it without too much hassle but this time the little car did gave me some rpoblem like runnig dead in the middle of nowhere whenever i slowed down and then after sitting for while and getting it started again i could continue driving on for a few kilometers before the same thing would happen again and this started happening when i was already in Kelantan on the East Coast. The worry i had was to be caught in the early morning traffic with the car going dead on me everytime i arrive at the traffic light wiht tis horror in mind i drove non stop all the way to Kuala Terengganu arriving before the nation was awaken.

Sunset over the South China Sea 2

I met and accomplished my mission to attend the wedding as promised and payed my respects to my siblings while putting up at my nephew's home the bakery shop where I was given a warm welcome and grand hospitality as a visiting grandpa which I enjoyed.

My niece and her youngest child Sumayah who kept me occupied with genuine Love.

A Zen Buddhist Koan, Who is it the carries this Corpse around? Who drove alone all the way from the West to the East Coast to fulfill a promise or to stay in touch or to make the connections? When i drove and every time i am driving for a long distance I assume the sitting meditation. I became one with the road even when in the darkness only feeling the tyres touching the surface of the road as i sometimes drove in total blindness through dark patches or the fog which often occurs as i drove towards the small town of Jeli after cruising down from the highest peak of the Titiwangsa. I left my trust in the car to carry me through these circumstances which to most would be considered an unnecessary risk or even total madness if not suicidal..

Moon rising over the South China Sea 1

I often felt relief and rewarded every time I made it to Kuala Terengganu and often arriving when the call for the 'Subuh or morning prayer is heard over the morning air. It often felt like finding my way home to be among loved ones and friends who i have left now and again to wander the land like a nomad. But the nostalgia of being in Terengganu never lasted any longer tha one week or so and then I would be itching to leave the State and i am beginning to feel like I am being cursed never to settle down there.

Moon rising over the South China sea 2

Be as it may I will always enjoy my visits to my family and friends on the East Coast would most probably keep on taking my chances driving alone through the night over the hills and mountains that lined separating the East and West Coast of the Malay Peninsular while enjoying my driving meditation with my windows down feeling the night breeze. One of the reasons why I enjoy night driving is because it is a whole lot cooler and i don't need to use the air conditioning and also there is often hardly any traffic on the road as soon as you hit the stretch that leads across the mountain range. I have driven often enough back and forth that i can almost read the road in the dark recognizing every turns and corners.  

Hashim arriving from his trip to Pulau Kapas 

I fell asleep while waiting for my friend Hashim to return from his trip to Pulau Kapas on his sailing boat and one of the reason being that i wanted to catch him as he approaches to tie off the boat and I almost missed the chance had i not awaken in the nick of time. I fell asleep on a dilapidated sofa while being cooled off by the nice gentle breeze from the river. The small hut i was in was built on a pontoon and thus the rocking motion added to the comfort of a great nap on a hot day afternoon. I never fail to visit Pulau Duyung whenever I was back in Kuala Terengganu.

The pontoon that leads to dry land.

Pokok Nipah or the Nipah tree is found in the coastal tidal areas where salt water meets with fresh water and it grows rapidly transforming the landscape in a very short time It is part of the mangrove swamp vegetation and its most vital product is the young shoot or leaves that is collected for the making of the local smoking roll 'paper' the Rokok Daun which is today becoming more and more popular as the price of regular cigarettes is becoming too expensive for the bad habit.of smoking.

Nypa fruticans, commonly known as the nipa palm, is a species of palm native to the coastlines and estuarine habitats of the Indian and Pacific Oceans. It is the only palm considered adapted to the mangrove biome. This species is the only member of the genus Nypa and the subfamily Nypoideae, forming monotypic taxa.^[2]

Looking closer at my 'sick mind'.

The World is at my finger tips

My mind seems to have hit a high wall and everything seems to happen like without any sense of my being in the pilot seat. Hence why I have been avoiding writing in my blog as most of what has been happening seems unimportant or irrelevant to be repeated in the form of writing. I have been going through a period of uncertainty again like i have always been throughout my life off and on and i have been having a hard time getting back into the spiritual mode of handling things. .

Technology rules!
I had just iwped out a whole paragraph after trying to change the size to the font which is too small for my liking and this kind of crap seems to happen more and more like this morning my car decided to not start and i had to sweat it out trying to get it to run. After I realized that it was flooded and got it to run I drove to the mechanic to actually pay him for what i owe from my past repair but he was not around and told me to wait for his return. When asked for how long must i wait I was told to drive as is and come back when he is around, so he missed my payment too not knowing it.

The time spent on the phone and I pads is phenomenal .
So whats the catch? is there a silver lining behind this stretch of dark clouds/? Perhaps there is and it is yet to be seen. I have been fully aware of what is transpiring, it is not that  I have allowed for it to carry on without any care, allowing myself to be shove here and there like at the mercy of some Voodoo queen. No, I have been pitching my energy against all odds for whatever it is worth and taking measures whenever and where ever i could, like talking man to car with my automobile and surprising myself that it worked.  

My friend Mohd. Rafi has recently discovered the Face Book on the Internet.

I still sit. Not as regular and or regimented as I used to bu i sit and now i sit  with greater ease or so it seems. I have made some progress in being able to redirect my mind from passing by tits and asses and i have better control of my mind from wandering into others' conversations and things in the Internet that has no value or significant to my well being. Yes I am still stuck in the rut of having to ease myself every now and then while watching Japanese Housewives scrub the floors on their hands and knees (on You Tube), but that too has become less often and far in between. It is not easy to heal a sick mind and after all these years I am still nowhere near becoming a sane human being. 

Reflections on my mind.

I am making the entry from my friend Mohammad Rafis Lap Top while being eaten alive by mosquitoes and to the smell of bird poop. It is hot and humid here and has been no rain for quite  awhile; The east Coast is going through a dry spell. Tajol, Rafi's son was married yesterday and all went well and well attended by more than expected. I spent most of the day with Rafi's brothers from Penang. A cab driver and a fisherman and we talked about the fate of the Malays in Penang. We all agree that the present State government ruled by the DAP has done a good job so far an d pretty to the Malays plight. Without the Malays Penang would no more be Penang it will be like loosing a National Heritage of a State in terms of its local population, not to mention Culture and religion; Penang will be just another Singapore or even Hong Kong. Nothing wrong in itself except that they lack the character; what makes Penang.
Malays owe it to themselves to survive the change is rapidly overtaking them economic as well as socially.or they will be marginalized there is no blame on the Chinese as they are victims of their own doing through their politicians and government representative in the past  and perhaps is still ongoing.The have been let down badly by the people they elected. These very individuals sold them to the mercy of the Chinese. Most Malay enclave or what used to be Kampongs are now being bought off and developed with expensive housing that the Malays could never afford to own. Like is happening all over the world, the weak and ill represented minority will suffer. The Indian Muslim community is one hope that the Malays have to help ease the onslaught of the predominant Chinese plan for the future of the Island.
Tensions are flaring among the  different races over  Rfai's brother the cab driver told stories of fights and fatal shootings  but it is still not in the crucial stage.Penang is getting cleaner than it used to be Kudos to the MPPPP and the State Government, but the rivers are still in need of attention. The pubic has to be made aware of the need to "Heal the Rivers." As more and more housing is being developed more effluents of mixed chemicals and detergent will find its way to the rivers. Motor oil is the number one polluter that does irreparable damage to the rivers Eco system.The improper discharge of waste oil i no matter how small an amount will find it way to the river through rainfall. Transport depots such as bus terminals where engine wash and maintenance is being carried out waster water has to be monitored for proper discharge.
We talked of what is going on with the political situation and the latest financial scandals and we all came to agree that it has become tiring to even try to figure out what is happening.
Tomorrow petrol will cost ten cents more someone just informed my friend Rafi on his hand phone and he just shrugged his shoulders and continued to roll his 'rokok daun'. Then he looked at me and said'"Now shit is really going to hit the fence! Will it? How bad can it get in this country? There is not going to be a revolution for sure as it is not in the blood of the people to rise in violent protest against the injustices that is being levied upon them by the ruling powers. Malaysians are a cowardly bunch when push comes to shove and most of us are comfortably numb living the way we are. Being one if the most corrupted nation o=earth has become a symbol of pride.
Never in the history of this nation has it been dragged down by so much discord and lack of direction. The nation is in a state of disillusionment and the people are caught between the devil and the deep with no way out. It is beginning to feel like we are living in a pressure cooker.and the steam is rushing out out with a very loud whistle but no one is hearing it. The former Prime Minister Tun M. has been taking up arms against the ruling party calling for a change in the government demanding that the prime minister step down and be held for accountability to the economic bungles that has caused so much strain on the nation's purse. However so far nothing has really happen that would send any clear message as to any form of change is in the making anywhere in the near future; we are still comfortably numb. The truth of the matter has not hit us hard yet like it did Greece not too long ago; an economic meltdown.
However all these are just shades of life happening elsewhere far from this backwoods state of Terengganu and appears here in the form of mere coffee shop and time passing discussions among friends for lack of better things to talk about. There is a lack of passion for what is going on in and around the country and most of these people are why the price of fish is high and when or how they can rouse from their stupor is any one's guess but awaken they must be made soon in time.

I will live little longer after all.

Saw the doctor this morning and she read my blood and urine tests to ascertain my physical health and according to her i have slight problem with my kidneys functioning as well as high blood pressure and high cholesterol level all of which is still within manageable levels and should be monitored. Otherwise she said that i have a good reading overall better than most of her 35 year old patients. So i am feeling a little less stressful considering this being the first time i went to see the doctor after many years of avoiding having my physical done.I told her of my experiment with self healing through meditation and the fact i do keep a very close watch over this body of mine and its  internal workings. I should say I am a little more confident that  all these years of my practicing 'auto-suggestion and mental hypnotic repetition of empowering words such as " I am whole, Strong, Powerful etc. have actually worked. However i have felt less energetic of late due to perhaps stress having to do with others in my life including my children and their well being.
I would seriously recommend to my friends and those who read my blog to take up meditation as a practice in monitoring  one's health and that self healing and self rejuvenation is not a far fetched idea if one truly put all effort and faith into it. It cost you nothing but just being conscious of doing it or taking the time off to act upon your routine of sitting and breathing until you are in silent  contact with inner being you very cells and to even the very atoms and molecules that makes up your  body. Visualize them, especially the cells that makes up your brain. Get in touch with these parts of you that function otherwise without any sense of direction or purpose, guide each and every cell to act according to your mapping. It is simple and it only takes a little imagination for you to figure out how or what to send out to your cells and organs, to awaken them towards creating an ideal situation for a healthy, creative and productive growth.
I am glad i did visit the doctor as this has brought to my attention what i need to focus on more for an optimal healthy growth after learning of my weak areas such as the kidneys and the high blood pressure as well as the high cholesterol level and how all three are inter connected. I was very happy to have learned that my biggest worry has been allayed; my sugar level is normal - no diabetes.I even look forward to working these three areas and put them back into their normal functioning state now that i know..That which i can reverse I will by again working with my visualizations, autosuggestion through meditation. I will revitalized every organ in my body and expel every unwanted elements and create a sustainable alignment of every organ in me and for now i will use the medication as a help till I can proceed without them.
Perhaps this last few entries of my blogging has been very boring to most of my readers, I hope it will change soon as i venture deeper into my inner being and unlock more interesting stuff and share them with you. I am getting somewhere, I can feel  it just like someone facing death up close and personal in a sense but not quite there yet and enjoying what lies ahead! I was out in the wild a few nights ago and woke up some time in the middle of the night to ease myself. it was dark and the toilet was the river bank a few hundred yards from the campsite, I took a stroll in the dark and did not feel any fear whatsoever while squatting and taking a crap in the middle of nowhere to the sound of the rapids and occasional sound made by wild creature around me. I was even surprised that i was not afraid, even when i tried to conjure up scary images of ghosts and demons of the night tapping me on my shoulder while i doing my thing. It is all in the mind, the doctor had said to me when we discussed about self healing and i can see it happening but it does take practice and faith in yourself most of all, belief and effort.
I took my son Karim with me this time of my trip to the Ulu Muda jungle retreat and we camped there for three nights he seemed to have had a good time and made a few friends in the process, people who are jungle enthusiast, hunters as well as conservationists.I was still now fully recovered from my lower back pains and my high blood pressure did not allow me too much rough activity, but i did enjoy the quiet and tranquility that the city can ill afford to have, Being away from the city was a boon in itself and i could not ask for more.I strongly believe that one has to make very effort to break away from that which becomes a routine in one's life before it become a rut and impossible to break free from. An environmental change, a change of pace and atmosphere of surroundings and people can help towards making one's life a little more healthy mentally.    

Are we approaching the End of Days?

I am getting overloaded with this foreboding feeling about humanity's capacity for compassion as it overlay the sense of suspicions and fear for the threat of security towards ourselves like die if we do and die if we don't kind of situation. I am talking about  the plight of the Rohingya or the Bangladeshi refugees from Myanmar that in the thousands floating around in the Andaman Seas waiting to be rescued. It is no doubt another human catastrophe in the making as most countries around the Area have expressed their refusal to accept these people to land on their shores and for the refugees there is no return to their country of origin without facing death. many allegations of human trafficking and exploitation of the situation to migrate into a more stable country for economic reasons abound, but none the less for whatever reason, these refugees are in dire need of assistance and no one is willing to fully extend their helping hands.

Aung San Suu Kyi is the international face of Burma and a global icon of courage, endurance and moral authority. But as Guy Horton reports from Burma, she is now actively colluding with the Burmese military's violent campaigns against minority ethnic and religious groups.

Questions must now be asked about Daw Aung San Suu Kyi's position - because what she is saying and doing seems to transcend mere evasiveness. It includes, amongst other things: apparent denial of ethnic cleansing of Muslims in Rakhine State; implicitly blaming Muslims for the violence because "global Muslim power is very great"; through her silence in the face of atrocity, passively condoning Buddhist hate speech; equation of the suffering of Buddhists with that of Muslims; sustained disregard of the violations inflicted on the Christian Kachin; encouragement of military collaboration between the British and the Bamar army that is responsible for repeated and multiple crimes against humanity; and condoning the army's actions by sharing the podium with the generals on March 27, 'Union Day'.

Her evasiveness has now degenerated into complicity with the military-controlled government and its 'Burmanisation' policies, to shoehorn the multiple ethnicity of Burma into a single national identity. This does not appear to be naivety. It appears to be a deliberately chosen political policy. She appears to be doing the one thing no responsible politician in a volatile, multi-racial society should do: playing the race card to gain votes.

The value of human lives has become cheaper by the dozen in this day and age of Globalization and just about every nation aspires to uphold their ethnic identity and is willing to commit heinous crimes against humanity in order to keep their national identity from being smeared with alien corruption. Ethnic cleansing has become the norm for most emerging nations as the struggle for economic well being takes precedence over being humane towards our fellow man. Self preservation and fear of the scarcity of resources such as land as well as livelihood, the growing competitive edge for better jobs and    
earning capacity has triggered anger and jealousies between ethnic groups with the minority group becoming the victims.

The champions for humanity are becoming far too few as most people today fear for their lives and those of their loved ones to take on the fight against the injustices of the present day human dilemma. Today the respect for human lives has just been wiped out as more and more nations falls under the tyranny of Greed, Hate and Ignorance. We are indeed in the Dharma ending era of the Kali Yuga, we are indeed on the verge of Armageddon as prophesied in the scriptures, we are indeed approaching the End of Days. Are we?

A Day with my daughter and Raymond.

New research has shown that the act of laughter is a form of meditation. In the past, scientists have measured the brain wave frequencies of people who meditate, and now they have done the same with those experiencing humor. They’ve found that the two acts resemble each other in frequency.

We know that meditation is not only empowering and enlightening, but that it’s also super healthy for dealing with states of anxiety, stress, depression and insomnia.

Therefore, laughing at the funny, the mundane, the taboo, and even the serious are excellent ways to find peace and well-being in even the toughest situations. We therefore say, “Fuck it, I’m not going to cry over spilled milk, I’m going to laugh whilst I clean it up instead.”

We all pass judgement – be it positive or negative, comparative or independent, realistic or unrealistic, selfless or selfish. Or put another way, we continually critique or assess the people and situations in our life, including ourselves.

he key is to judge in a healthy way, such as incorporating compassion and empathy. We should see the positive in others, even when they’re behaving negatively. For example: yes, that person is being abusive but for all we know they may have had something tragic happen to them today, or maybe they’re just at an underdeveloped stage of their growth, but one day hopefully they will have learned to overcome this behavior which not only makes others suffer, but also themselves.
From Article by Phil Watt
This isn't a bucket list; this is a F..k it List.

The Saddest News Mankind has to hear about.

The Rohingya, an ethnic Muslim minority in Myanmar, has been called by United Nations (UN) as the “most persecuted community of the world”. - See more at: 

Around 10 days ago, the world found out that some 8,000 Rohingya women, children, men and elderly are stranded at the sea, drifting ashore on unsafe boats with insufficient food, insufficient water, and nowhere to go.

The traffickers, after charging a large sum of money to take the Rohingya out of Myanmar, deserted the boats as soon as they faced the slightest risk of getting caught and now, these people have absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go because no country is willing to take them in.

In other words, these people, human beings just like you, are denied a patch of land to stand on. They are told that they simply have no place in this world.

Indonesia, although it is the most populous Muslim country in the world, turned the boats away and told its helpless passengers to “go to Malaysia instead”.

In a shocking move, the Malaysian deputy home minister said his country, which until recently welcomed the Rohingya, would use tough measures, including turning back asylum-seeker boats and deportations in order to send the “right message” and said, “We don’t want them to come here”

1 hr ·

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BBC Indonesia added 4 new photos.

Where do you stand on this issue, you wherever you are whoever you may be.

 The world belongs to everyone, but these people are not given the right to live in it. After being ruthlessly hunted down, killed, tortured, burned to death, denied citizenship, education and basic human rights, they are now denied even a patch of land to survive. In other words, they are told to die by the world. 

As this persecuted minority cannot find a small piece of land to continue their lives, the world is actually so vast that if the world lived with the population density of New York City, the state of Texas would be enough to fit the entire seven billion of the human population in it.

In the same way, water resources are more than enough for all of us and with just over half the daily average outflow of the Pacific Northwest's Columbia River, we could meet the freshwater needs of the entire world's population; furthermore, the farmlands of the USA alone would be enough to feed the entire world.

Today, literally every country has the option to help these poor people, give them a place to live, give them a cup of food and water. But they don't. Instead they stand by and watch.

- See more at: http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/sideviews/article/stranded-at-sea-with-nowhere-to-go-as-world-stands-by-harun-yahya#sthash.MB8wmzrN.dpuf

A poem Worth Sharing.- Happy Nurses Day!

David Ryan

Follow · July 15, 2012 · 

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Cranky Old Man.....
What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!


Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within ... . . .
we will all, one day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM,
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

Finding God.

God, The Divine call Him or her what you may is out there, God is in here , He is everywhere and nowhere can you find Him for God is not something you can touch, smell taste or hear; He is as He Is That he Is.The closest you can come to be with God is to feel Him in your Heart of hearts, for here he is just like he has always been the very breath that you breath. He is the very essence that is the source of your life energy, the essence that keeps you alive, the Divine Spark. God is not something or someone that you worship or pray to for help, He is beyond all the human traits of pleasing or being wrathful, He is as He Is, the Creator, Preserver and Destroyer/ Progenitor.
Through you God looks at Himself in the mirror. Through you He shares the beauty and ugliness of this world and through you He extends His hands in Compassion and Mercy. When you meet God on the road, kill Him; God is not a pigment of your imagination. When you see a beggar on the road help him as God is with him too. Be true to yourself and know who you truly are as God is that looking back at you when you are busy looking elsewhere! Wild thoughts! Wild words of repetitious religious dogmas but most hold true if and when you live your life in awareness of what they are telling you. Your relgions, your philosophers, your Holy Scriptures, your prophets and Messiahs, your Gurus and Rushis, your teachers and pundits from ancient times, the  Golden Age of Wisdom and Bliss till this the Kali Yuga the age of  Chaos and Destruction, they have appeared in all manners and forms to relay to you words, thoughts and deeds to live by such that you o not stray from the path that is your Divine Right. "Iqrar" or Read the Holy Quran had forewarned, read and understand all there is to know for knowledge it is said are 'wings by which you fly to heaven.'

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Where to go from here?

Practice Mindfulness, Loving Kindness, observe all the precepts and detachment from all that is impermanent, this i have learned among other principles in my life. Tolerance and non-judgemental, empathy and understanding, such are the terms that constantly comes to mind when negative thoughts threatens to engulf my being. it all seems to no avail when my heart is still shrouded with doubts and vexations, i am still living at the mercy of my delusions. i cannot seem to shake it off no matter how hard i try, i feel incompetent and as in lay man's term, like a looser; why?
Is it because all the years of my practice , my searching for answers and my experimentation were of no consequences, like I have wasted my time end energy over nothing while squandering away what i could have gotten more from life had i been more carefree while living in the bliss of ignorance? Ever since my return form my travels overseas with my small family, I had tried to mend my ways, make things happen to make up for what was and this I believed deep within me. i believed that i came home to become a good God fearing man who had been a sinner for much of his life while living abroad. I thought if I had returned to the folds of my family i could find my way into the society that practiced the good religious life as in my case, the Muslim life. In short i could become a good Muslim and my children would follow sooth with the help and support of my family. But on looking at the way things have manifest over the years since i have returned, I find it to be the biggest error i have made in my life and regrettably so.
There is no sense in crying over spilled milk as I learned to accept my fate ever since my wife departed leaving the three of us behind, I had to make do with what i had and what i knew to survive. I was able to see my children through their high school years without too much casualty psycho-emotionally for all three of us. I had to start from scratch all over again since her departure as we had had to spend  a whole lot of money getting her home to Illinois, where her mother was to be cared for medically.My two children had accompanied her on the trip home to the United States but i could not travel with them as the US Embassy in Kuala Lumpur would not offer me an immediate visas due to the tight security measures taken after the 911 incident. I had to wait and while waiting my mother in law in the US decided that they are burden to her on top of having to deal with their mother's condition and so they were shipped back to me.
It was then that I decided to live in Penang, my hometown where i was born and raised as a child before moving to Terengganu in the Coast Coast. I thought that i stood a better chance of making it as an artist eventually in Georgetown than in Kuala Terengganu. I also thought that i had my relatives here who are more sympathetic than my immediate family in the East Coast. I was right most of the time but as time wore on i find that being without money had cost me a great deal of pain not to mention the loss of my self respect and integrity' I became inwardly self abusive; I hated myself for all the wrong decisions i had made to arrive where I am at.How do I go beyond this come and go, how do i go beyond myself? How do I transcend this state of mental trap that i am in if all my practices and meditations have failed me? This is depression as it sets in and when it is compounded by what is negative going on in this moment and time it is dibilitating.
  I believe that I might be looking into having a heart condition from what i am observing happening to me physically like shortness of breath, excessive sweating and most recently the sharp pains shooting through my chest area if i make any strenuous effort even just a brief walk and i also get nasty headaches when i get out of bed.. I get tired more so than before and sleep does not come easy.  According to the Internet medical information links these are sure signs of an oncoming of a heart attack. So i went to the hospital this morning on the way but I did not go in because I could not find a parking space and it was  pouring rain. So I drove here and tell myself that i will do it again tomorrow and this time i'd know what to expect or at least where to park or come real early before anyone else. I have been avoiding going to have my medical checkup for a very long time now telling myself that i can cure myself of whatever that ails my body.
I have always experimented with the idea that my mind is capable of influencing the inner workings of my body through meditation, visualization and auto-suggestion among other practices. I have held on to this believe for many years now since i was in College where i started getting deeply into these subjects. I believe that even if i have cancer of one kind of another I can heal myself or my body can be made to rid itself of any negative agents that is causing these illnesses. Every no and then my mind would doubt and ask, what if you are wrong? What if you are just kidding yourself? What if the doctor can detect and cure you or buy you some time which you might not know until you visit the hospital. Yes this i believe is the last resort like going for the massage when my lower back gave way as the last resort and now it is a whole lot better.
How do I get back into my state of pure consciousness where there is no success or failure where there is no fear of death or the end of this dimension of existence;The place where even the i does not exist but just pure Beingness, the place where no thoughts exist where no doubts exist where healing happens, where wisdom happens, where truth happens, where Love happens; how do i return to my original"Buddha Mind." Man suffer from our minds, ours sense of identities, our separation wrapped in time and dimensional existence and we cannot find that which is the source of all our being, the source that is inherent in all of us where creations happens and nothing is beyond its scope of activity including the very act of healing, reviving, rejuvenating , refreshing renewing every atom and particles that makes up our entire physical realm. What is capable of creating is capable of preserving and destruction. How do I return to this source or should I doubt myself and visit the hospital anyway?

Looking for the Divine in me.

Back to the subject of whether is is laziness or simply being in an inactive mode of consciousness experience, i have come realize that it is a decision one of choice that I have to make and it hinges upon if I am making it from the personality or individual point of view or the collective universal stand point of view.OH ya i have thought about it over and it is not like i am trying to spin off another story about who i am or what i aught to be or where i am at and crap like that it is just that sometimes it just happens that I am reminded that i really don't give two hoots about it one way or the other. I am lazy, I am lazy or if i am not i am not, but i do not have to crack my brains about why or how. No one is putting a gun to my head and i am just about as ready as i can be in facing life or death about anything that can come up at the present moment. That is probably as personal a decision or choice i can make over the matter, I will remain as I am in a state of neither this nor that and watch as things arise and falls like catching the next wave when the right one comes along.
In my collective consciousness mode i am doing what i am doing that is sharing this insignificant knowledge with all who stumble upon this entry in my blog, i owe it to myself to make this a form of lesson to myself as well as to others. I have to trust in my connectivity with the vast emptiness of space in the universal spirit where events happens out of that which has no time or forms or as we say out of the blue. Spiritually i would yes, i am waiting for the next revelation, how big or small crucial or insignificant, it is what I have come to trust in. I will no move until such a moment where my heart feels the touch of the universal spirit while in the meantime i will eat when i am hungry and sleep when i am sleepy and I will sit and watch the grass grow.
My days still passes like it has bee for a while now and I am working on getting my art ready for possible exhibitions as my daughter is gearing up with her new job at a new hotel, downtown. As part of her stipulation for accepting the job she had asked me to be included in having my works displayed at  the hotel for sale and there might even be a possibility that the hotel might create a studio for me to do my work there. it would be an ideal situation if it does materialize, something to look forward to. And by the way, I am a grandfather now as my son Timo in Switzerland said the he and his girlfriend is expecting a child; nothing about my life is perfect but I cannot deny that it is never dull either.
All three of my sons were conceived out of wedlock. It is mot something to brag about and being a converted Muslim living in a Muslim community it is not something one would let it be known publicly either. However, i hae been frowned upon by my family relatives and friends for one thing or one way of lifestyle of another that at this juncture in my life it does not really matter any more what others think of how or why i am the way I am. The fingers that have often pointed at me are not all the perfect as i have found out in time for most each and everyone has a skeleton to hide or are too deeply buried in their self righteousness that they cannot see the elephant dead in their path and to entertain these as my judges, juries and executioners of how i choose to live or how fate and fortune has chosen to shape my life is short of a waste of precious energy. I stopped envying others a long time ago and those that i hold dear in my life are those who have shown me compassion selflessly in my hours of need, a smile, a helping hand a word of comfort; these are getting far less fewer as it is as I grow in my age. I will never be perfect by all standards religious or otherwise but, deep down i know who i am and strive to be true to what i put my faith into. I am a believer and not because I fear but because i have come to realize in all my seeking and searching for that which is the Ultimate I have arrived at the feet of the One Lord and call Him what you may, I call Him, Allah',.the Oft Forgiving Merciful Lord of the Universe.
It is 3:11 AM

This too will pass....

 

Despite it all, Happy Mother's day, Mother.

I woke up with itches from mosquito bites on my feet and back ache from the blast of cold air from the fan and the sound of laughter and of pots and pans coming to life outside my window, it is Sunday morning. Another new day and i do not look forward to it, however i got out of bed and decided to do what I am doing while listening with earphones to. "The Best of Francis Goya" on You Tube. The classical guitar music took the edge off my potential sources of depression and as my fingers dances on the keyboard manifesting my thoughts with my senses being absorbed in the comfort of oldies played by a master on his classical guitar I feel better to make through another day; it is 6 AM.
Completed my morning prayer and normally i would take my long walk to Karpal Singh Drive and back but my back pains gives an excuse not to and i would rather spare my energy and go to Balik Pulau instead as i have not been there for quite a while now. Ah, it is good to be able to come up with excuses to avoid doing what is normally done as a routine such that you do not feel guilty about not doing them. Laziness? if it is then i am guilty as charged, however, if you are reading this entry in my blog, then you might see through to the fact that i have put my mind to task very early in the morning already  But this is not work! This is pleasure! This does earn you a single dime! This is meaningless ramblings of a restless mind, get a job!
Yada!,Yada! If I allow my mind to dominate this moment so early in the morning i will by noon be still in the same mood of wondering if i am doing the right or wrong thing with nothing to show for. I will occupy my time as i see fit and not just simply to fulfill unwritten obligations that is expected of me by those around me. As it is I am still carrying the baggage on my back as soon as i woke up triggered by noises of busy-ness- business going on outside my window on a Sunday morning and this will soon be followed by additional busyness as the traffic picks up on the main road. Perhaps i am going against the flow, swimming up river or simply being lazy while beating myself to death with a sense of guilt because I used to spend most of my life working or in busyness -business. Not being active in it now is causing me the doubts? I want to be busy? I need a regular job? Naah! Too late for that, I am an artist, whatever that means and most people have the idea that we artists don't really work, we play.
Oh by the way it is Mother's Day and so i got to wish myself happy Mother's Day!

Since the cycle of existence has no beginning, there is no sentient being we can point to and say, “That person has not been my mother in the past.” Not only have they been our mothers in the past, but they will also be our mothers in the future.
— The Dalai Lama

Yes I miss my wife the mother of my two children here and i wish all the best to the other two ladies in my life who had graced me with a son each.  I can never justify my past but i can honor my future and as mothers to my children I am deeply indebted to them, As for me i cannot say that i knew my mother too well and as a matter of fact my mother and me never saw eye to eye sad to say. Yes i have mother issues in my childhood years but I also have come to learn of the hows and the why that things were the way they were between us and i hope that she will forgive me.
I took a drive to Balik Pulau where i spent the morning sketching fishing boats and the afternoon with my niece and her children. Here is a lady who has to face it all on her own, a single mom;Such Is! Happy Mother's Day!

Mothers day slides by my daughter.

Inactive action - when not doing anything all is accomplished.

"There is no urge to do anything, how do i know that this is an expression of the natural state and not just plain laziness?...At the ground level of being, there is no such thing as laziness. That is a kind of thought. The vital force expresses at different speeds of dynamic-ness by itself.Let it be expressed. don't program you life so tightly and you will be more in the presence of that freedom than you imagine. You have to move inwardly deeper than the mind into that place I am talking about, the space of non-self"...Mooji

This is primarily where i am at presently as i find myself becoming more and more self accusing about whether i am justified in not making an effort to earn an honest living to support myself with my daily needs.if as is said above, "at the ground level of being there is not such thing as laziness, why the feeling of guilt? Yes it has also been told me that I am my worse critic, that i judge myself too heavily sometimes or that i come down hard on myself as my friends used to warn me. My high school math teacher a Mr. Andrew Heng once told me to 'chill and stop growing too old for my age, slow down he said and live life. It has always escaped me how i would lash my own back like  with a switch like those monks and shiah Muslims committing self flagellation and i wonder if it will ever cease with old age. By now i aught to be able to say screw work and screw life if i refuse to play by the rules anymore.

Self flagellation in case you wonder.

Nothing irritates me more than chronic laziness in others. Mind you, it's only mental sloth I object to. Physical sloth can be heavenly.

Elizabeth Hurley

In the Zen tradition there is a saying, "After your meals,do your dishes." and i like to follow this with the saying, " Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are sleepy, sit and watch the grass grow.".

The earlier quote suggests that one should do what comes next in terms of carrying out one's responsibilities, to do the dishes after having had your dinner is only natural, not to expect others to do it for you and so forth. The second quote however is a little more 'Zennish', as it is like telling us to relax, be cool, take it easy, don't get too serious or heavy (with life), just doing what is needed to be done. hence it may seem like Zen encourages laziness to a certain extent, not to overly excel to more than what or who you think are.In Buddhism you have an eternity to live life if you choose to do so and hence you are in no hurry to strive or make too much effort to become more than who you really are, unlik in the Judeo, Christian and Islamic religions. There is no need to strive to become good or bad to be admitted into heaven or hell. You simply 'Be' who you are and let It be as it is. It is seen also as a futility in attempting too strong an effort without creating more Karma to overcome as a result. For every action there is a reaction and for every reaction there is more reactions and thus you end up being a guy hwo keeps on creating karma to destroy karma through your entire existence until one day you wake up to realize this futility. This being the state called Nirvana or "the blowing out' of an idea or concept that has no longer any meaning or detriment to one's well being or even freedom.

Wise men would say that these are just pure justifications towards not being active in life or holding on to some kind of a moneymaking vocation of the more sophisticated and elaborate the position the better like holding the highest paying job or running the largest corporation.. Not having any job or vocation is not an option and one is no better than a beggar in life. Hence for the guilt for those who care about what others say or think of them, (myself included). it seems like nobody wants to be poor or in need like a beggar in this day and age and we all strive to become Doctors and lawyers as this is where the money is at and not to mention the prestige and perks that comes with them.  An artist is really no better than a beggar if he is truly an artist for he has no intention about what he does other than creating out of his passion just for the sake of creation. However, most artists today are creating with the hope of making a living from their works and most are successful and hence creates like a factory producing what sells. 'Great Arts is artless', created effortlessly with no deliberate intention.

There is no right or wrong in essence in Buddhism as it is all relative and at the end of it all just Maya or Illusions.Right and wrong is just a pigment,(sickness) of your own mind the Buddha is said to have said. ..suffering is, none who suffers and Nirvana is, none who attains it...

"WU WEI. These two words, which taken literally mean "not doing," form a distinctive term in Taoist philosophy. It should be stated, at once, that the literal meaning is not the true meaning. This is clearly stated in the 19th essay."

Wu may be translated as not have or without; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern or effort. The literal meaning of wu wei is "without action", "without effort", or "without control", and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei: "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. One cannot actively pursue wu wei. It manifests as a result of cultivation. The Tao is a guide.

There is another less commonly referenced sense of wu wei; "action that does not involve struggle or excessive effort". In this instance, wu means "without" and Wei means "effort" (instinct?). The concept of "effortless action" is a part of Taoist Internal martial arts such as T'ai chi ch'uan, Baguazhang and Xing Yi. It follows that wu wei complies with the main feature and distinguishing characteristic of Taoism, that of being natural...wikipaedia.

To be contd.

     

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