Life Sahring is not a myth.

We are here together, gathered in a collective spirit in order to learn and and to share.

There is a hidden beauty all each and everyone of us and it shows in our smil; smile more often.

If there is anything worth saving it is the family, your immediate family may not be the one you save as the Universe is your family.

Even for the brief moment like the shutter speed of the camera, as brief as lightning, one catches a  glimpse of the Divine in all of us. 

Our path may never cross again in this life  after this meal, but I would like you to know that  you will always be in my heart, Spaniard!

He is on the way to becoming a shaman.

Expressing  who I am through Art.

What is Unconditional Love? The  Christ Love..

They are a reflection of your own consciousness...

Who can tell what the heart is contemplating.

Shaing with the future the wisdom of the elders is education.r

There must be at least one Unconditional Love in your life other than God.

From dwon under at the edge of the forests we mee; the Three Wise men.

Your soul mates are those who you have touched  and they have touched you.

The Heart is indeed a lonely hu.

is

Then, time to chill, what better way than a llarge cheese and pepperonni Ney York Pizza with the grand kids.

Or simply chilling in Balik Pulau and  I am Tok Ki to them...Grandpa.

In the name of Christ -do something, anything

Now to share what is even closer to my heart causing a great pain in my soul, it is a subject that I have avoided thus far as it hurts deep and I am afraid i might loose my balance and pass partial judgments. The inhuman acts going on in Myanmar, a predominantly Buddhist state is as black a mark in our history as ever happened before.It is sad and it is beyond an imagination of how low we as humans has stooped to. We again are proving how inhuman and animal like our nature is in the course of our existence. The Rohingya plight is the plight of humanity, just as the Palestinians and the Syrians and so forth. I am ashamed to be included among the human race, the so called civilized and God fearing specie. The Third World War is in the making and human trafficking is part of survival, how much lower can we stoop.

The Pope made a special plea in His speech to the Catholic world on behalf of the Rohingya, but what is Christian stand on this? What can the Christian all over the world do about making it right instead of making speeches and looking for blames and protocols, The United Nations is again playing the lame duck not willing to exert its powers due to the influences of the Powers that be. So, my question is where is the Love of Christ when Humanity needs it most? It is in your hands, you who claims to be His followers, you the Christians. This is a global conflict, a conflict of Human Conscience, a conflict that will go down in history in infamy.

It breaks my heart whenever i see riots and images of war and starvation all over the globe, but what hurts me most is the fact that they are results of human-Greed-Hate and Ignorance.

The Asean nations are too wrapped up in their own internal political conflicts that they cannot come to address this issue at length. 

If the Christian world would stand up and deliver a collective message to the people of Myanmar and the ruling party, it might be listened to. Christians can play the needed neutral party to be involve, to pursuade any further slaughtering of the innocents. This is when the Vatican could lead by example in brokering a peace treaty or at the very least bring the carnage to a halt. The Military regime in Miyanmar will be reluctant to accept visits from the leaders on the Christian faith. Look for yourselves and ask where is my Lord? Why have You allowed for this to happen? What can i do to help You? O'Christ, Thou art in Heaven shed upon us Your Divine Compassion, Your Saving Grace, bring some sanity back to this holocaust. This is as good as anytime to pull strings and spread the wealth that the Church has amassed all over the Christendom, now is the time to look deep within each and every Christian Hearts and ask, what would Christ have me do?

Minyamar should be turned into a pilgrimage visit to an unholy site for all God fearing Christians worthy of their salt to embark upon, become a witness up front not from the distance on your TV sets.

One cannot ask the dalai lama to make a special trip to appeal to the Buddhist there as it would be a conflict of interest; is it?  H.H. The Dalai could go there and communicate with  His fellow Nobel Prize Award winner, Aung San Suk Yi to let it be known where he stands as a world Buddhist Leader. We cannot hope for United States or Britain or other European Nations to be involved as it would upset the the other guys like China and Russia, but even if they can they will be stupid to. 

One of the possible long shot way is to rally all Christians from all over the world, rich or poor and in one voice and action declare, "Enough is Enough!" This is what would be expected of the followers of Christ in His absence. From the Pope on down, from the great cathedrals and differing Christian sects, in one voice , ' go on the mountain and shout it out...'Let my People Go! I would have called upon the Jews but it would not work for obvious reasons even if they are among the most powerful nation today; the jews have their own karmic consequences to work out. I cannot call upon the muslim nations like Saudi Arabia or the Emirates or Indonesia to take the lead as these nations are under the axis of the super powers. So who can we call upon? Only Turkey shows any will of power in seeing to it that this mass murder does not continue, but far will Turkey  can or is willing to go?

In the meantime the Rohingyas are being hunted  worse than dogs and the Military and Buddhist are becoming more and more obsessed with slaughter like what the Pol Pot regime did in Cambodia. How the monks, bhikkhus and bhikkhunis could justify wearing the Buddha's Robes 

Enough said, lest I become overly judgemental and start taking sides and only add on to the mess. I am not well verse in the political arena that has deeper causes behind the scene, but i do feel that I have to voice my thoughts and feelings with the hope that it will fall on compassionate ears especially my fellow Christians all over the world; Do what you can in the name of Christ. You are not only saving the Rohingyas lives but also save the sanctity Christianity itself. Do not look upon this mission as an expectation for a conversion to Christianity but as a selfless Christian act in line with Christ Consciousness. Inundate the country with tourists and travellers making the country their destination our of curiousity. As tourists learn what you see and come to your own conclusion on how help can be offered to ease the tension. Become silent observers spending your wealth on a vacation, let your money do the talking without being too obvious. Talk of no politics but of how life is or has been for the people. Share yourselves and become acquainted with the whole situation and then return home and make your efforts in neutralizing the volatility of the situation.

  

  

Note to myslef.

God has no religion nor does he subscribe to any philosophy of scientific formula, God is Omni, All encompassing, call Him by whatever name you will, He Is still God, the One and only One. Everytime you say I, you have made it two, I and Him, me and my God. In short you have to die and return to the One, merge with His essence, For so long as the I recognizes the I to be who he is, for so long as he identifies with the I he is lost in delusion and subject himself to suffering; for as long as you have the 'I', you suffer. How to get rid of this I?  The demise of the physical form does not guaranty the disappearance of consciousness and science is on the verge of making this discovery a fact. 

I am not in the market to sell Islam to anyone or Buddhism for that matter and as i mentioned earlier, your faith, your religious belief or non-believe, is not really my concern, however i put down my thoughts to advise myself and find out is I am off or on the course towards my own salvation: what do I do when my time is up? No matter what i have learned of accumulated in terms of virtues or transgression in the course of my life, at the end of the day I will have to lay it all down and walk alone and empty before my Lord to be debriefed. Not a thing escapes this final hundred yards, for as long as there is life, there is death and all life has been is in preparation for death . The question arises as who dies or what dies? Can a man die with full consciousness as an observer of yet another phenomena of the life and death process without the loss his mind?  Ah! So! This is what it is like!?

The Ancients of every nation on earth has in one form or another handed down a form of practice for man to at least learn of himself and thus bring a greater understanding of we face the moments of our ending. This is what truly gives meaning to the question of life, to make your own self discovery and your relation to the Whole. 

"I am Whole, Perfect, Strong and Powerful,
  Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy!.
I can do what I Will to do!
Insha'Allah - God willing.  
From "The Master Key" by Frank Haarnell.

This has been my 'Mantra' since i was twenty years of age and was loaned this book by my mentor, Cikgu Yusof Ali, before i left for the United States and i took it along with me for the trip. When i first using the mantra i did not realize its implication or powers until I made further discoveries of who I am throughout my life. This 'auto suggestion', I recite to myself every night before i sleep and every morning i wake up, subject to forgetfulness and other such similar distractions. Today it has become a piece of my consciousness that has brought me down this path. 
If I am to exist as an entity on this realm of existence, I chose to be the best among the best to carry my service towards self realization among my fellow man especially children, friends and relatives and my fellow countrymen and the rest of humanity.

"Beings are numberless, I Vow to Awaken with them."
First of the Bodhisattva vows.

My God! Am I Dead

In the Muslim tradition the body of the deceased is laid to rest as soon as possible without unnecessary delays like is some cases waiting for a son or daughter to arrive from Moscow or Luxembourg or Beijing, China to have their last viewing. The body is prepared and put on display just  the face showing for friends and relatives to view and on the same day after the hour of prayer, be it, Zohor in the afternoon or Asar in the evening, the boy of the deceased is take to the mosque closest to the cemetery whee it is given its last prayer by the community of men. Next off to the hole in the graveyard dug and ready to receive the empty shell that was once you and me . in the ground where layers upon layers of bodies has occupied the very same hole in the past, is buried after being shared the last rites. Islam discourages the Muslims from keeping the dead human form overnight or more than the circle of the sun, mostly for health reasons.
The hole in the ground is reasonably deep depending upon the location and the status of the ground and the coffin is laid with the head pointing in the direction of the Kaabah or the East. The coffin is constructed from the most softest and cheapest wood possible so the the body is exposed to the earth as much as possible.  After the grave is wrapped up and made presentable the 'Talkin' is recited by someone with religious authority to instruct the dead of what lay in store for them next. Two angels will appear and place the questions of faith to he dead and the first being ",who is the Lord thy God?" A faithful true to his human voluntary reaction to such a situation would be an automattic, "Allahu Akhbar!" not for the same reason but the answer comes from years of saying it especially as an expression of taking a refuge in Allah from fear. ome Muslims would blurt out SubhanAllah or God is Pure, or Masha'Allah! all these exclamations made in the life times as a Muslim becomes the answer to this first question. Allah Loves all those who does not forget Him at all times. Better or worse, good or bad. This proclamation announces your standing, your Dharma Position of who you are; this is my faith, I am tihs! AllahuAkhbar is my Lord.
He is the Lord of Creation and He is the lord of Power and when He desires something done all He says is Be, and It is.
 I take my refuge in Allah subhanauWata'ala -Lord of the Universe. I serve my Lord even in the worse of my times as a human being and I serve Him every for every breath i take. Even if my conscious mind forgets, my subconscious mind will always remind me every now and then of who I am and who I serve. My last experience of a mild stroke was my last waking up call from within me to be mindful of my practice in life.
And the angel will ask you who is you Prophet, whose Umah are you? Allahumma soli ala Muhammad wa'ala Ali Muhammad! This is another expression every Muslim even if he does not perform the Solat daily would utter again in times of need. The grace of Allah be upon Muhammad, the Prophet of Allah and may the grace of Allah be shed upon his followers. Muslims do this when they wash their bodies, bless a child or simply shaking the hands of another, while talking to a crowd, this profess is as natural as an involuntary expression, But not every Muslim will be able to even remember this in his fear and confused state of mind just upon dying, and so like faith and religion, it is a very personal experience and each person will have to deal it in the best of possible ways to be at least conscious of being alive or being dead; we live as if in between, neither alive nor dead. We exist blind like ghosts sleep walking  and scrounging daily to survive; we crave for the impermanence and neglect the eternal; our Divine Nature, or as in Buddhism, our Original Buddha Nature. We assume we are small and insignificant, whereas in us is the House of The Lord; is HE home?
Throughout human history, God has provided man with some form of guidance in the form Prophets, Saints and Sages, Yogis, Gurus, wise men, Philosophers and Poets, Scientists and Leaders in order that man will maintain some form of civility, the respect and honor of one another. Man is given the faculty to discern and to make wise choices that he may flourish on this planet in Peace and Harmony. Unfortunately somewhere along the path mankind has forgotten this and decides that he has free will and with this he can choose to create his own story often embellished with his sense of achievements and self aggrandizement; I am God!
God, E-God, Ego and thus man becomes more and more forgetful and arrogant towards his fellow creatures, even should I say most of all to his environment. Man has become a parasite, or a cancerous entity to this planet and the sooner we admit it to ourselves the better the chances of making a healing process to work. One of the practices of Zazen or sitting meditation is watch what arises in our minds as we sit and focused on our breath. We are addicted to our thoughts and we have never ending dramas and episodes to think about in the path of a day or even and hour, our mind is a dynamo that never stops. After a while of watching one finds the mind subsiding into quietness effortlessly, we watch what arises when it is all said and done. Is there a God? Will i be judged for all that I have committed in my life? Oh! My God! am I dead yet?

Look to the Light within you to illuminate the Universe..

If you are afraid to live life, you surely are afraid of death, to truly live life is to die every minute of the day with every breath taken; knowing the next might never come. Life is the way to death and dying just as death and dying is the process of living. Fearless as a lion, still you die, smart as a roadrunner you still die, pious as a hermit still you die; so long as you breathe you die. In the practice of meditation, one of the techniques of stopping you mind's activities is to hold your breath. Like a pause button and you will find that the mind is brought to a halt.It is the surest way of reminding the mind of death, it goes on a safety mode, no more thoughts of random chaos and meaningless dramas, no more guilt trips and lustful cravings, no more false flags and mental exploitations, no more slave to the senses; the mind become more subdued and quiet.
What brought this subject about? It came up in the course of the day trying to justify existence while riding back up in the elevator I chanced upon a young Indian gentleman a Mr. Mahadevan who lives on the 4th. floor of this building. I asked him how long he had lived here and he said seven years. How does he like it, it is peaceful and quiet but it can also be lonely as you have no one to talk to. I invited him to my place at any time and he insisted i go visit him too. Perhaps begins a new relationship... together we stand, divided we fall.

   Wherever you are, from wherever I am, I wish you many happy returns and may the Divine Light of the Buddha's Wisdom and Compassion shine upon you and may your life as fruitful and in abundance InSha'Allah. .
Shine on you crazy diamond and awaken to the light of consciousness within you. you are the cause of Creation, you were created in the Image of the One, the Formless, the Source of Power, why do you still not claim you true nature, you are Buddha Nature, you were created the very elements that holds together the forms in this Universe.' The Temple of the Living God is within you,' you are the custodian of His Essence hidden in you. The Divine spark on loan to you for as long as it is kept alight and not blackened by corruption.   
Am I still making sense? I hope so. For my sake and for the sake of all those who seek the truth in this life, who is aware of their origin 
and walking towards enlightenment and liberation of the Spirit from the impermanence f this realm. I look to the infinite possibilities out there from within me as I am aware of being awaken from the sleep myself. I am still anchored to the floor, I am still wavering here to there not sure of myself at times and slip sliding away  as I tread on thin ice; I am still in the grips of delusions; but I have faith in who I am. 
Here is where i feel i have exhausted myself and my mind, there is not much more to say but, "The heart is a lonely hunter."   

Be Awaken or Be Taken!

Peace be unto you and yours. There slowly but surely comes a time in a man's life that stops acting and start becoming the character he has chosen for himself in this realm of existence. A time to pull the hand brake although not all the way, and bring this scene to  graduall stop for inspection, take a pit break, check the engines and recalibrate the senses and align the body, mind and spirit and take the next leap of faith. There is very little sense in living in this human form if in doing so one cannot transcend and become awakened if not enlightened, be free from this bondage of ignorance from beginningless times; Greed, Hate and Delusion. One can become rich or poor in this life but we are still in bondage of Maya, of Shaitan, of The Anti Christ, of the dark Forces, the Negative Energies that which is the Dark Matter; we have our ego to contend with. "You may have won the battle today, but you have a whole war ahead of you, within you: your nafs., the Prophet of Allah was quoted , more or less to the effect after he had won a battle.
Only this war will be fought with the banners of, Compassion, Love and Understanding, these will be humanities's Weapons of Mass  Salvation. Compassion is the way of the Buddha.  Love is the way of the Christ and Right Understanding is the way of the Prophet of Allah. "Thou Shalt not kill,' is our rallying call to battle. Where ever is need we shall assaulted injustice and put an end to man's beastly conduct towards his fellow creatures on the face of the Earth. Yes, we have become the worse of the worse of God's Creatures, a cancerous virus. and it is due time we take it for what it is and face it. We are enroute for self destruction, but we can still exit with our pride and dignity still intact and our humanity preserved.. We can still harness the most awesome force there is available to us, that of the Collective Consciousness and act as one in healing this planet; we have very very limited choice, Such Is.
So Peace be to you my fellow man and women, Be Awaken or Be Taken! 




  

My taste of Music.

Listening to Metallica S&M 1999 Full Concert on You Tube while making this entry with no subject matter in mind, only to share the moment in time and space with you who read this; I Love You. I hope this does not sound too corny, but I need to say it out loud at least for once how i feel about those who have been with me throughout this Blog from the beginning till now. I am too presumptuous or perhaps assuming that i do have a following of readers who frequent my Blog and is by now quite familiar as to who I am, or who i am trying to figure out for sure as to my true nature...yada! ...yada! One way to wrap up another eventful day.
Now switch over to Hans Zimmer 'Aurora' a drastic change in rhythm and vibes, from a hectic climactic wind down of the opening piece of Metallica to the awesome slow full blown orchestral meditational piece of Gregorian Chanting alongside angels' voices. It is said that music touches the soul and this souls is often touched whenever I listen to these master pieces played by the likes of Anoushka Shankar,Vangelis or Enigma, Kitaro and Pink Floyd or to Bob Dylan, and Arlo Guthrie, to Willy Nelson or Lionel Richie; most music moves my soul whether I know it or not. The theme from the 'Gladiator' by Hans Zimmer moves me to tears as 'The Last of the Mohicans', my all time favorite, does. I used to enjoy the classical like Chopin and Ravel, Stravinsky and Horowitz when I was in my college years living in Green Bay, Wisconsin. During the winter months when the whole farm house with its two leaning wooden silos all covered with snow outside, my Land Lord, Mr. Leon P. Lodl would lay in the bean bags facing facing the fireplace wine glasses in our hands we listen to classical music till the fire dies out, On some evenings it would be Jazz with the likes of Grover Washington and Hubert Laws, or George Benson or Bob James. these were our mutual collections during the late seventies and early eighties. Yes, music sooth the soul and warms your heart especially in the cold Wisconsin Winter nights.
I used to paint or sketch listening to Ravel's "Bolero" and there were times when my hand would take off on its own as it follows the  gradual crescendo of the tune building to its climax. The old farm house located on Humboldt Road was perhaps more than 100 years old being alone in it, was an experience in itself as the piles of snow all around it acted as a acoustic box and so the music bounces off the walls of ancient planks. Yes, I learn the value of being enrapt in the sound of awesome music as it was all that kept my mind from freaking out with 'cabin fever'  and or homesickness. The sound of good music became my comfort as the whole house seems to vibrate with it pulsating with live energy. The wine and the ganaja might have allot to do with the feelings too but it was what fed me emotionally and made me rich with the taste for good music. Now listening to Leo Rojas playing El Condor Pasa' a song that i grew up with and sang every so often in crowds or at a karaoke joint; it takes me on a journey of years gone by.
Music is the food of my soul when i am sad and lonely, when i am joyful and feeling great, music carries these feelings into the next level of consciousness; it changes my perceptions of reality at times and or take me on to next plane of consciousness; my corner of creativity. Life becomes a dance and the music of the Universal Mind vibrates from directions and a whole variety of forms and styles. Who was your favorite singer during the sixties? Cat Stevens, Jose Feliciano, The Beatles! or Joan Baez! Peter paul and Marry,; all the of the above and more.  The earlier Bee gees songs were also my choice and the likes of Paul Anka and Neil Diamond, Tom Jones and Johnny Cash, these were among my favorites in the sixties. OH! The mind can take me all the way back into my musical taste if allowed to. I will let the rest surface in my future entries or I will run out of things to ramble about.  

I too need to die before i die.

"Awareness is now, stay in the awareness, it is your saving grace."
Mooji - (Mu ji) Baba.

Awoken at 6am., sat in meditation and followed by some stretching exercising before i got up and took care of the itch between my legs, that which woke me up in the first place. Applied the itch powder and watched it stings and burns for a few minutes before it subsides. The sensation itself was like watching someone else feeling the sting I was just a witness to it. It felt like it was just a necessary episode that the body has to endure in order to heal. I was lying flat on my back and the energy flowed through my whole body realigning skin and muscles and bones till the tip if my coxis thar squeezed tightly shut and when the muscles were released my legs dropped off to the sides like surrendering, relaxed, I felt the whole body let go of all the tensions and the mind just quiet; I felt a sense of lightness of being.
Not wanting to continue sleeping i got up and decided to listen yo one of Mooji's satsang on You Tube. I first listened to a video entitled "Who is Mooji," thinking to myself . 'Oh no, not another revelation about who the real Mooji is, the corrupt, manipulating, egotistical blah, blah! :there goes my Guru! But instead I listened to a most revealing profile of yet another Great Master in the line of Sri Ramana Maharshi; I was relieved. What was also rewarding in listening to this video was the explanation on the difference 
between a Master and a Teacher. 
While sitting in meditation earlier one of the things that arose in my mind was about insanity and how I often felt like I often attract the attention of the mentally  unstable on the street. Like i would be sitting and enjoying a meal in a coffee shop by myself and suddenly be joined ny and insane man like i had invited him. In a crowd I would be picked out by a deranged man as though I carry a card on my chest that reads, 'This.is your insane brother.' I was almost attacked by a mentally unstable once and the only thing that kept him from harming me was a tall gate and fence. It happens so often enough in my life that it has became a phobia for me. For whatever reason I felt a complex if not a connection with these mental cases and it was for a while making me wonder if it is telling me of my state of mind. Am I deep down in me insane? 
Well not this morning, thank God, but often enough, I wondered at how much my mind can handle the myriads of thoughts in my head and still remain rational. Is there a breaking point, of being overload like a dam that can no longer hold back so much water; it is a scary issue. I sometimes feel like walking the tight rope of sanity and insanity and every so often I would find myself favoring insanity as it would help me to relieve the valve and ease the pressure that often builds up within me often out of sheer anger over something beyond my control. I used to have a violent prone mental state and was advised to seek psychiatric aid and i did while I was living in San Francisco, Ca. "Sam. you have an anger management issue, why don't you go and see my friend Doctor margolis in Marin County, maybe he can help you out." At the cost of $75USD and hour I was seeing a shrink.
This morning, I have let yet another cat out of the bag about who I am or was. It was like and answer for yet another silent cry for help that the second video I listened to of Mooji's Satsang was entitled, " Reaction to sexual abuse." The man who was being interviewed or talked to with Mooji had a similar issue that resonates my own; I too need to die before i die.
         

How do I wake up wihtout having a migraine?

Woke up this morning and sat on the bed watching my mind running helter skelter with meaningless thoughts of unrelated events and images that pops out of You Tube; too much computer can do that tot you. I did my best to dismiss and discard, ignoring their imposition into my conscious mind. "I am not this body, nor am I this mind!" With every breath in and out i recited this mantra  of a yoga meditation technique, trying to remind myself of what I am not. I helps to a degree bu the mind is incorrigible, it will not give up as easily. So most of the time i just simply sit and watch what passes through my consciousness  and watch them disappear . To further remove these vexing thoughts I start my stretching exercises beginning the the neck rolling and forward and backward stretching to loosen the neck muscles. which usually deters migraine from happening. Then i work downwards by leaning over in my sitting position and lay flat with my face pressed against the mattress, followed by left and right over the thighs.
My stretching exercises can last somewhere forty five minutes to an hour ending with working with light weights for my arms. I do this almost every morning religiously unless I am unable to due to some engagements. Funny it seems when i fell ill, the doctors and my friends would advice me to do some exercise if i were to live longer. If i make it to seventy I would be grateful enough as i am not keen on living too long just for the sake of living out life. No, life is not that appealing to me not in this day and age, too much pain and suffering all around me if not in me. I have lived much of my life as I had wanted to doing what i chose to do. It may not be all for the right reasons, most of it i lived life to the fullest. Today i find myself weeding out my relationships and getting rid of all the baggage i deem no more of use. I am enlightening myself, so to speak. The way i see it, If i have become of no use to my fellow creatures in contributing towards their well being i am of no use to life. 
Hence it is servitude, not prayers that is of virtue to me as servitude means some form of movement, action,you can pray without batting an eyelid but you need to move in order to serve someone else unless in serving it is required that you remain absolutely still.
The point I am trying to make here is that one of the many ways of slowing down the 'dual thinking mind' is to do something that involves physical actions. To try to stop the mind through meditation or chanting or contemplation is often not effective as the mind is much smarter than we give it credit for; it learns much faster than we do. Much of the erratic thoughts that arises upon waking up is the result of the subconscious mind's activities during the sleep state where everything and anything can arise from the deep in the form of dreams and nightmares. What we experience upon waking up is the residue of the sleep state activities of the mind and this often can bring about the morning blues or depression for no reason. 
How to counter this 'hangover' of the night's mental activities is what most of us are looking into and albeit, yoga, meditation, morning exercises, morning hikes around the block or the park are a few of the ways and means and this includes for Muslims the fajr or the dawn prayer, which to me is one of the most sure fired way of cleansing the residue of the night's mental activities.
  

Just another day passing by.

The whole today has been wasted with little accomplished and not much learned that is worth mentioning, but this too i hope will pass. I have been stuck like this like being between the devil and the seep.On the one hand there si my mind playing out all its best cards on guilt and justifications while on the other there is the practice, the experiment that is telling me that there nothing right or wrong about being in the state of consciousness that i am right now; to accept and to not become attached to the thoughts and feelings that is transpiring, to simply watch with a bare attention. There will days like this and there is nothing right or wrong about not being able to be productive or creative about it, take it just as it is and let it play itself out. 
I can feel my body is going through changes as it is accepting much or less the aging factor of life, aches and pains, tiredness and lack of energy and so forth. With the constant irritation of the itch between my legs, the irregular sleep and the lack of physical activity, it is not surprising that i feel half the man i am. Where the mind is concern, thinking about my present condition and where it is leading me, is a favorite subject matter, the mind loves to dwell on uncertainties as it is a good source of anxieties and depression; yes, we are worry freaks. This is why we try to keep being busy doing something to occupy the mind, mountain climbing, or bungee jumping, getting drunk or stoned is just an excuse to get out of being trapped by the mind into  creating a depressing state of consciousness due to lack of anything better to do.. It is already almost 2am. now after a whole day of watching movies and surfing the internet, I am making this entry as a record as to how I have wasted hours of my time throughout the day.
So had my mother were were to talk to me when i was growing up, she might have said that there will days like this and nothing wrong with it, just accept and let it burn itself out without attachment or rejection. I did started out in the morning wanting to write about the Bhagavad Gita or The Song of God, a conversation carried between Lord Krishna and Arjuna one the eve of the great battle in the Epic story of the Mahabharata. It was an inspiration i got upon waking up this morning as a result of my sitting doing my meditation.I was going to try to understand the principle of selfless action that the Lord Krishna was expounding to Arjuna. After that i was looking forward to going for a swim in the sea with my friend who stood my up on it. Perhaps had i follow through with my intended actions the day would have turned up totally different; I might not be making this entry as it is. Such Is!

Back to being a painter.

My daughter and I had lunch at the "Passion of Kerala," an Indian Restaurant owned by Dato' Gary Nair, an acquaintance and run by his son Roy, We had the vegetarian banana leaf order as it was a special the Hindus were celebrating a harvesting festival where and everyone eats vegetarian  dishes. I met Mr. Nair at the main entrance where he was entertaining his special guests of Indian who is who in Penang and was ushered into the restaurant by him and as i was about to sit at my table I spotted Mr. Lawrence Loh a prominent architect who is responsible for many of the renovations done of the Colonial buildings around the City of Georgetown. That was how the day began for me after doing the house chores like mopping the floor and doing the laundry, watering the plants and checking my Face Book. The lunch which also included a car wash was ex gratis -no charge. The Passion of Kerala is not a cheap place to have lunch and the food and services is excellent.  I also left an acrylic painting to be hung at the restaurant and will add a few more in the near future with the hope of selling them.
I take this as a small reward of sorts from the All Mighty for good behavior in the past few days, at least I like to believe so.   
On a different note, I have come to notice that my good friend Ah Huat has been distancing himself from me. Ever since i was ill and admitted to the hospital he has become a little cold not as entertaining as his former self even on the phone. Perhaps it is my subconscious mind that is playing out its plan of distancing from this relationship where i have become dependent on him a little to much and it is time for change. Yes, I have actually been questioning myself too over this matter for the past few months but never putting much into it. Now i feel the seed of concern has sprout into a reality that i think will become a reality one way or another; perhaps it is time to move away from this situation for now before it becomes stale.
It is still a gamble kind of situation when it comes to trusting the small voice from within over matters that can make or break in our everyday life, like a very close relationship. Can i trust my feelings in making the right move where this relationship is concern or make my choices based upon my own intuition or gut feeling, it is like tossing a coin in the air although with much more care and awareness of the reasons and the outcome. However from the way things has been happening in my life, it seems to point more accurately towards taking that leap of faith that it is high time that i  move on into a new venture in life; perhaps pick up where i left off in my artistic endeavors. Perhaps i have put on hold long enough with being an artist. Last night in looking in the trunk of my car i found my paints and brushes that I was looking for the past few weeks, perhaps this too is an indication.

Everything , every move, every thought happens for a reason and has a purpose, if we are only awaken enough to see it.

I am living here for a reason, ineed to paint this on to my 100 feet long art piece.

The image ineed to work with is right outside my window.

So, enough of this procrastination and time to jump back into getting some creative expression manifested; if not now, when? If not here, where? The Universe has provided all the necessities and the mind has at long last been subdued into cooperating with the whole and the call of the spirit, yes, it is time indeed for the artist to awaken. Moral of this entry is, leave yourself options that you can fall back on to keep on being creative.

We are, who they are...awaken with them.

I asked myself the same question again upon getting out of bed this morning, what will today bring and decided to do something about it for answer; I decided to pay my niece and her children a visit in Balik Pulau. I have not seen them much lately and so today being a public holiday would be a great idea instead of waiting for events to unfold I will trigger one and go with the flow. It was raining all day long in Balik Pulau i was told when i arrived and the kids were playing badminton under the car porch and mom was on her way out to get the car cleaned on the inside as the family had just taken a vacation to the East Coast for a week and so the inside of the car was like the aftermath of a Basketball game.
I had a good rapport with my sister in law which in the past i found it not quite so easy  to listen to her as it has always been listening more than talking with her. I realized that that was what i was supposed to do with her, my late brother Gina's widow. She rambled on just about every detail of their trip bask to Terengganu, (the East Coast) and from the sound of it all she had a good time.

When the trials of life get a little heavy, I seek the innocence of the children

Whoever brought me here, must take me home...Rumi

Such Is, Such Is.

It is all there Is.

What do you really desire, Bahari?

So! What gives Bahari? Are your days numbered/ Are you in the process of shelving all your past and present experiences leaving behind a legacy of unfinished business, incomplete assignments and unfulfilled dreams or are going to continue on fighting this drag and impasse, being stuck in a rut and not being creative mode to the end? All these talks of self discovery and sense of well being and spiritual attainments where have it all got you to.how far or how near re you from your final destination. Are you any closer to God? Or are you still floating in limbo with thoughts and ideas, imagination and dreams while scratching your balls from the crap that is not giving up that is burning between your legs. Yes, is this all there is to it after all these years of experimenting with yourself or so you say, what have you got to show?  
What a way to start the day? Woke up with a nasty migraine and itch between the legs and having tasteless oats for breakfast to keep the cholesterol level down and my daughter complain of stomach pains; what else can go wrong. Well at least I can still write down my thoughts and emotions negative as they may seem to be, but such is reality, there are ups and down and at present it is not too bad actually considering that i am still far better off than most of my fellow man. I am not fighting a war nor am i being driven out of my home by floods and high winds like in Texas. I am not sleeping in carton boxes along walkways and underneath freeways, nor am I dying of a cureless disease; yes, what am I complaining about. My days may be numbered but I am still alive and my mind is still busy as a bee writing to express itself so that it can clear away as much garbage as it can before getting down to the real preparation for the appointment with God.
I am the master of my thoughts and consciousness, my environment and circumstances and I am the master of my body, speech and mind, as a matter of fact I am the master of my own destiny; what is the problem? Perhaps the problem is in what is it that i really and truly wish for in this life to consider that I have lived well indeed. Upon deliberation on the question over the years I have come to the conclusion the I yearn for being fully awaken, being enlightened completely and being liberated from this cycle of life death and rebirth absolutely. This is my ultimate desire in this life, I wish to gather my chips, throw in the towel and walk away from the table free from any debt and attachments, cleanse of any need or cravings, empty, with only the lightness of being a light. I wish to return to the source that had placed me on this planet as a temporary experiment, to become one with the One; this is my ultimate desire.
Added at 6pm. same day;
I just received the news that my cousin Johan Hamid passed away not too ;ong ago; He was the young man I visited a few times at the Lam Wa EE hospital a couple of weeks ago. What else could go wrong you say,...Such Is!
Innalillahi  wa'innalillahi Rajiun!
You came from Him, to Him you return, my brother.
Updated 12 midnight.
Just got home from having my cousin brother laid in the ground. His body arrived from the hospital after the post mortem and after being washed and cleaned at the mosque cemetery in Gelugor, and was laid to rest at eleven pm. It is customary that the body of a bloody body be buried soonest possible especially if the person had died from an unexplainable illness. But in the cover of darkness all went well and the youngest of my adopted taher's son is with him now; may he find peace in the hereafter for he was a gentle and kind hearted man who filled others with laughter.
Such was the day that began with a nasty migraine and lost in limbo. 

Aidil Azhar - The Haj

"What you are looking for is where you are looking from"..
St, Francis of Assisi as quoted by.Mooji.

It has been advised by the ancients that one is to look for a quiet   space away from all the busyness of life, detached nd not concerned with what is out there in order that one may dwell within and become one with that which resides in the Heart of hearts. In this day and age this may seem impossible for most of us, but for those who have the will and desire to attain to this state of mindfulness, the situation will eventually present itself as it does for me where i am at. I am living at the moment with my daughter who has just left for work leaving me alone in this apartment on the topmost floor with no neighbors to content with. With a soft guitar music floating in my head and a lap top to work from I am as contented as I can ever expect to be, making the best out of the situation I share my thoughts and feelings on this auspicious day of Aidil Adzhar or the celebration of the Haj.
All over the Muslim world there is a celebration going on and sacrifices made as ordained by the All Mighty as a memory of when Abraham was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his son, Ismail as a token of his faith in the Lord. This test of faith in one who had only two sons after years of not having any was short of cruelty towards Abraham but he gave in and made the sacrifice which was intervened by God and Abraham passed his test. Here the Judeo Christian and Muslim faith began the rift of faith as the Jews claimed that Abraham offered Isaac instead of ismail. The question is would Sarah had agreed to allow Abraham to sacrifice her only begotten son Isaac? Highly doubtful as Sarah was said to be a very demanding wife, but then again who cares, only God knows the truth.
The Muslims today are the followers of the Ismail lineage whose mother Hajar and himself were abandoned to the desert driven by Sarah's envy and jealousy or so it is said. But again who knows what ruly transpired in the history of three of the world's great religious traditions, WallahuAllam, only God knows. However to this day Muslims offer the same sacrifice in the form of domesticated animals such as sheep, goats and cattle to commemorate the event that took place thousands of years ago. Today however most animal lovers and zealous religious groups        have made this day infamous by declaring that the act is barbaric, a cruelty to the animals. Again Islam is being demonized for the sacrifice of animals made in the name of God. 
Islam has become the boogeyman of the century where religions are concerned and for as long as your name carries a Ibni or son of travelling around the world can be a nasty adventure especially at the airports. To look for the ugly or evil nature of something is not too difficult but to look for its goodness is a challenge cause it is like admitting that the thing is true or right in the first place. Islam has her ups and down just as in any religion East or West, the religions themselves are not the problem but it is the followers that mislead and set one against the other claiming that God is always on our side and not theirs. Ours is the one true and eternal religion while the rest are heathens and infidels destined for hell, like we know better than He who created it all. I am more than ever. am convinced that the faith one has about God is a sacred covenant between me and God and not for rhe speculation or judgment of others. 
Without doubt and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I still maintain that, it is in knowing who I am that it is possible for me to know my Lord. While i am still searching and floating in the dark as to my own true nature, the recognition of my Lord is still veiled by the mind created illusions that i am conditioned with. My petty thoughts and deluded understanding of what is real and what is illusion in this life will never allow me to have a clear vision of the Most High, Just as the haze caused by the burning of forests in Sumatra hides the clear blue skies above, similarly my mind will never penetrate to behold that which is permanent and all abiding, Lord of the Universe. 
I may not be able to fulfill the Lord's injunction that i visit His home and circumambulate the Kaaba built by Abraham and his son Ismail, but I will walk seven times around my heart within and perform my Haj for now. Islam for me is not just a religion, but a way of life and the journey of every devoted Muslim is towards his Lord where he is returned at the end of his days. The journey is not by boat or plane but by the purity of the heart and thus it is called the journey of purification.  

   

My two cents worth...

If i were look back at the Google Stats and look at the graph that shows who or which part of the world reads what kind of subject matter, I find that the eastern countries including Russia prefer to read spiritual matters while the Western countries including the United States prefers more of a personal struggle kind of subject. Over the years i have made a special effort to take note of the relativity between the subject matter i write and the countries that reads it. Why is this so? I have not idea but i know for sure that this trend is true, East prefers religious as well as philosophical  experiences while West prefers the more personal journey and day to day experiences. 
It is the Independance Day for the Nation today and the Aidil Adhar or Hari Raya Haji tomorrow. Two of the most important days to the Malay Muslims of the country; there is hardly any feeling of celebration like in the old days. This is a Nation living in confusion and denial and it is at a critical stage as the General Election approaches. While visiting my friends at the fisherman's jetty I watched a TV special making a collection for the Palestinian cause and I thought to myself of how a smart government would have made a pledge to meet the amount if collected, thus making it two million, but this is Malaysia and the economy is at its worse everyone agrees, not just me. So if the people all over are not in the festive mood to over celebrate the Independence Day and the Aidil Adhar it is not too difficult to figure out why. Rm50 today is worth dinner for two at a cheap restaurant.
Malaysia has enjoyed Independence for the past 60 years, eight years after i was born. I grew up watching the country change from close and real harmony between the races to the decadence of society racial animosity and distrust. I have witnessed how Greed Hate and Ignorance has taken a hold of this nation and brought down to its knees in the eyes of the world; we are one of the top ten most corrupted nation in the world. It is a gross unfair to accuse the nation on account of the few who took advantage of their positions and financial status to exploit and swindle the people. The malays have a saying that goes," Harapkan pagar, pagar yang makan padi." Meaning, placing our assurance on the fence to protect the padi, it is the fence that gobble up the padi. This the unfortunate case with the country I come from. There is so much accusations back and forth and yet no one truly is penalized of brought to justice and rich gets richer while the poor just sits and watch.
In terms of natural resources, this is one of the richest and in terms of education it is not too bad but when it comes to fair governance, it seems like people is being taken for a ride by the ruling powers that be. Politic sucks and politicians are the blood suckers of the nation, Although I have never involved myself in the politics of the country, it does not I am apathetic toward  what is transpiring in the running or ruining of the country by the elected few and it is also the fault of a weakness in the political will of the people to make for change. This county's economy and national well being , its racial harmony and stability id being put to the test by those who have become blinded by wealth and power. This is a Muslim nation  predominantly and Islam is the State Religion and the Malays are devote Muslims like never before and yet corruption, abuse of power, misappropriation of justice and more has become the norm. I have the feeling that politicians are beyond Allah's retribution in the afterlife especially when they can afford to visit the Holy Cities two or three times a year to cleanse their conscience and purify their souls as promised. The Haj has become like a car wash for the rich and a financial sacrifice for the lay folks. The haj is one of the most lucrative business in the Muslim world to those who manages the trips. Saudi Arabia reaps the benefit for being the host nation. Why is this super rich nation not sending all it could afford to finance the cause of the Palestinian people? Or The Emirates and such oil rich nations like Brunei, or Kuwait? Are these OIC Nations tied up by some invisible fear and accept denial rather than facing the blunt truth that the Palestinians are suffering and facing a possible genocide.
Allah is Great and He is All Knowing, my understanding His ways is but a tiny grain of sand in this ocean of consciousness and who knows what He has in store for humanity as we grow bolder and bolder in defying the precepts He has set for us, and letting our egos rule instead of our hearts and mind. Today I feel like I am living in a cage rather than a free and independent citizen. I feel like i am being bamboozled into accepting my lot without raising my thoughts and feelings about the state of my nation. Allah or God or some Super Power may have a reason for all these but i sure hope that the people will wake up from their slumber and look deeper into who their choice would be in the next election, In a country with so many diversities, in race , culture and religion and not to mention the disparity between the rich and the poor, it would take a miracle to bring a sane and positive change to Malaysia.  
  
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Remember Who You Are....

"Remember who you are! This life is but a dream, Shower of grace...River of Love, Ocean of Peace and Truth, this joyous world a divine Play All these we are! Aum!"... Mooji - River of Love- You Tube.Swami

In Moments of being in a state of limbo with no intentions or decisions, No sense of directions, lost in emptiness of being, I often turn to the presence of great teachers and listen to their wisdom while being inspired by their actions. Mooji Baba is one such Guru i often turn my attention to  albeit on YouTube.

"This the great opportunity of having the human form because in this form you may come to know the formless go beyond the sorrows of this world you are freedom itself, your nature in eternal nkow this and b happy."...Shower of grace...Mooji Baba

It is my dream that one day i can visit the ashrams in India where the great masters such as Sri Ramana Maharshi and Swami Vivekananda used to walk. It is my dream to be able to visit the birthplace of the Shakyamuni Buddha, before i die. It might never happen but I hope too to be able to visit my ancestral home of Sri Lanka in order that i might end this Blogging, this on going life long journal with a befitting end. If the mind is such that i can create the events and circumstances of the future, then I set in motion this final desire; my journey towards the final awakening if not enlightenment itself.
I call upon the saints and sages of old that they come to my assistance in fulfilling this journey of self discovery and purification; a journey of liberation from ignorance and delusions. I call upon all the i have held to be holy and sacred to make it possible for me to touch the holy sanctums of the ancient Ones, that I may absorbed their blessings and grace, their Love and Compassion towards one who have walked this life in sin and bondage. I call upon my ancestors from the lineage of my Sri Lankan grandfather and Sumatran Grandmother to allow me a safe passage towards my Lord with full consciousness of being one who has crossed over to the other shore. I surrender myself before the All Mighty Allah that He will forgive me and accept the path I have chosen for myself in the effort to present myself before Him in the afterlife.
Om! Ameen!

Rambling on...

Listen to the lyrics of a song sung by a great artist, India Arie, on the Oprah Winfrey network, "I Am Light." Perhaps you can figure out where I am coming from or headed towards in my life.
"I Am Light, I Am Light...I am not the things my family did,
I am not the voice in my head,
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside,
I Am Light. I'm light...my soul inside is all light."...
From - YouTube
If you listen to the whole song you will understand how far or how near we are collectively headed towards empowering ourselves with the understanding that we are in essence truly of the Divine Light and as such we are a sparkle off the old block - The Lord of Creation whose very breath we are breathing and whose very consciousness we are manifesting. God is the Matrix of all Creation. God is not a Christian, but what Christianity expounds, God is not Islam but what is the essence of what it means to be a Muslim. God is not Hindu or Buddhist nor is He whatever that is definable or explainable, God simply Is...I Am, That I am. God is neither Light nor darkness; God is both in one, for He is not dual. He is whole, complete, and all-encompassing. If you wish to find Him, look within, as His essence resides within you and you are a manifestation of this essence; you have only to awaken to this realization.
We feel small and insignificant, depressed with low self esteem, hopeless and apathetic in feelings because we have lost touch with our true nature, our divine essence; we think so hard on how to become an amoeba instead of a homo sapien, we want to so badly prove to ourselves the meaninglessness of our life rather than the miracles we are capable of. We have mistaken humbleness for a weakness,  servitude and devotion for slavery, and we have embraced the ego rather than the spirit. We are never satisfied and insatiable in our desires for more and what we have, we cling on to miserably not able to share or let go. And if we do share it is for our own self-serving interest and benefit. In our pursuit of accumulating wealth, we have even forgotten how to be grateful and thankful. When we have forgotten who we truly are, we become the man who has gained the world and lost his soul, we become small even if we think we are big, we become worse than a pauper even if we be millionaires.And if we are spiritually inclined, this is the dark night of our souls, where light is being overcome by the darkness of ignorance.    

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Ward C6 - Penang General Hospital.

They were skin and bones these victims of paralysis of one form or another and as i massage these forms i felt tenderness and how fragile we truly are in this human form. I felt anguish and pain within their hearts and minds, the silent scream, the horror of not being able to let it all out about how they truly felt; like they were trapped in a bottle, Their eyes were the only signs that registered any life as they stared at me darting every now and then as though not knowing where they were r trying to tell me what needed to be done. I just stood by their bedside holding their hands in mine in silent communication trying my best to feel and share their fears and sorrows. i tried to share the warmth from my body and the energy from my inner being the force that is keeping me alive and healthy, that which is keeping the whole universe alive; I shared God's presence within me in the hope that it will help to elevate their suffering.
They were Malays Muslims, Chinese, Indians, the young and the elderly and they all looked and felt like they were clinging on to dear life if not wishing they were dead. I was situated right in the middle of it all and my three days and nights in the ward C6 was like a lifetime of rude awakening; this could be me in the not too distant future. Then there were the doctors and the nurses, the care givers and the relatives and friends who each and everyone had their role to play in moments like these. In this ward human frailties and strength were exposed to the raw as wives and children stood over the patient's bed not knowing how to react towards the tragedy that has befallen their loved ones or worse their bread winner and the pillar of their lives. Most walked around like zombies themselves until they settled down and accept the fact of what they were going through and the fact of their future being in jeopardy as a family. 
The nurses who ran the ward from cleaning and washing the bodies and making sure the routine supply of medication and food is being taken from morning till night, never ceases to amaze me. To me they were the epitome of human compassion as one human being cared fro another; even if it is their job to do so. It is to one of the hardest vocation that one can undertake for it is not only physically demanding but it drains one off the very energy that keeps us alive. It is no doubt a very depressing place to work but to me these young ladies seemed not touched by all the negative or bad vibes and sometime i felt like they enjoyed the taxing challenges. These are the very manifestations of the Bodhisattva virtues in human forms. I bow my head to these selfless serving Florence Nightingales for many lives were trusted into their care and they treated each and every patient with dignity and integrity of a     caregiver. 
One  of the patient who was admitted to the ward was from my village, he was 85yrs. of age and I knew one or two of his children who greeted me and had a chat with me. This morning i was informed by my cousin that a close friend had died in Sungai Pinang, a guy one yer older than me and so i went to pay him my last respect. As i was hatting away with my childhood friends who was at the funeral I found out the the 85 yr. old patient had died yesterday night and was buried in the afternoon. Coincidences? I was told that usually the ripper would claim three at a time from a community, perhaps i am not off the hook yet.  

Being in the here and Now

Be careful what you wish for! I talked of becoming a healer, a Bodhisatva , of helping out those in pain and suffering and the Lord thought I should have a taste of what it would like to be right in the middle of it all. I cannot remember when i was last hospitalized but this time I turned myself in in the nick of time and was diagnosed have a mild stroke. For the past three days i found myself laying in bed among the invalids and vegetating men. 

 Almost all night long i stayed up not able to sleep from having to listen to loud screams and moans and groans from men in one kind of pain or another. I was about the healthiest guy in the ward and i felt like a prisoner kept to become a witness to what is really human anguish and suffering.

This young man of 28 is suffering from cancer and he was my next bed neighbor. As it turned out I knew his father who was from the same village where i grew up. His father was two years old or so and the older brother to his father was my closest childhood friend.  With the permission from his mother I massaged his legs and woke him up from his coma like sleep and it brought tears to her eyes on seeing this. A night later i massaged his whole body and I thought I saw a smile but kept quiet until his mother bursted out in tears and i felt tears n my eyes when she turned to me and said, I have not seen him smile for so long. She grabbed my hand and kissed, thank you she said.   

 This gentleman in the next bed was paralyzed after being stung by a jelly fish; he was a fisherman. He is being looked after by his brother who was very committed to his task that he too gave up his job to care for his brother. Upon being discharges as I was leaving with my daughter he asked for ten ringgit and i cold see the pain of humiliation in his eyes in having to do this.

For threes days and nights I witnessed two young adults wheeled in with paralyzing strokes and a convict escorted by policemen as he wa suffering from some kind of seizures. I asked the of the Chines patient to touch their father and grand father instead of standing around looking down at him. On my bed i sat in meditation and performed my Yoga stretching disregarding all those around me, the nurses, the doctors, the visitors, I put on a show for everyone in an effort to turn their attention from all the suffering around them Yes, I felt like a Bodhisattva! And i enjoyed my stay after making so many new friends and getting to know myself better.