I woke up this morning, with thirst in my throat and the adzan had jut started and so Rushed to the fridge and gulped down some water while adzan was still going on. I woke up from a dream whereby the last thing that struck my my ind was that my late wife had insisted that we migrated to New Zealand. Huh? Yes, I had promised her we would eventually migrate with the kids to New Zealand! Why not? I had a love for the country ever since my eldest brother had done his higher education there and returned to teach he Maori Haka and introduced the All Blacks rugby to us at our secondary school in Kuala Terengganu. I fell in love with the Maori culture just as I had fallen in love with the Native American and Japanese culture.My late wife, Nancy's reminder in my dream has woken up an old dream of migrating and living in New Zealand and in the dream I told her that I would even like to spend my final days and die there and, Yes I will.
Another wishful dream, perhaps, however dreams and imaginations are what i have that I can claim to be my own and these have led me to into taking on the many paths that not too many have trodden. My dream of living my old age in Terengganu alongside my siblings is still on the burner although not as urgent as my present situation is crucial that i be here. Whatever the cause, I will be patient and allow the motion to take its course. There is no hurry and no need to push anymore, if it happens it happens, if not, well, such is. I am healing, at least i feel myself less easily agitated and more in control of myself; less stressful and not as much prone to loosing control over my anger. I am still raising my two adult kids as much as they are getting to know me as a father and a man and I am in hurry to loose this relationship in order that i may call myself independent; one of the ways of leaving a legacy by experiential example. It is not easy by all means as sometimes things do not work out as one wish, but overall it is pretty much sustainable and productive living and a former wanderer could not ask for more.
This fasting month has been an eye opener in the sense that I am looking much more within than without or the external. Excavating the past and arriving at reconciliation and acceptance, giving up and forgiving, assimilating and surrender...perhaps a course towards enlightening myself a little bit more along the way.
