What good does it do?

So, what am I trying to proof with all these so called practices and spiritual quests for answers that have been everyone's mind since the dawn of time? Am I simply wasting my precious time living this moments day to day hoping to make some kind of out of this world self discovery that would revolutionize the human perception of itself on a collective scale or am I merely killing time. I have no idea myself as to what i hope to gain with all these having spent years in writing everything that comes to mind on practically a daily basis like a diary as though I am being pressured to do so by some unseen force from within me. If i am being paid for every entry i have made in to this Blog, i would by now have a comfortable income made. Unfortunately this is not to be so and every hour i spent on this computer is on my own time and expense which sadly enough creates a sense of guilt every time i dwell on the economics of the matter.
When I dropped by to say hello to my twin brother while i was visiting the East Coast last week, I was accompanied by my close friend Mohammad Rafi who played the roll of the go between as my twin and i hardly said a word to each other throughout our visit. The negative experience of my last visit to his home still lingered on making me felt so very uncomfortable to be in the presence of both my brother and his wife. My small mind kept asking, what the hell are you doing here? Like what are you trying to prove. You do not like the guy, but have no guts to let him know this to his face and yet you make the effort to pay him a call simply because he is your brother. Not only is he your brother, he is your twin, born on the same day out of the same womb. So how come there is such animosity between you that is thicker than bad blood between an Israeli and a Palestinian!? Such is, what can i say except that this in itself is one of the very reasons why I am writing and spending a good amount of my time trying to disentangle the tangle of my past. 
For what good it does, I feel a whole lot lighter than I used to with regard to my immediate family especially my two elder brothers the ones still alive. It is not an important issue anymore as far as I am concern, i visit them as it is my duty as a younger brother to do so in the eyes of my sisters and their children. Islam demands that one keeps a close tie with all family members and not break the bonds of bloodline; I was fulfilling my Muslim duty, like it or not. No sense in looking back anymore where my past is concern as i am very sure that I will end up uncovering more worms than gold in the process. There are some issues that is best left buried in the ground as there is really no solution to the negative effect they generate and nothing good really can be expected out of dwelling in them. The rights of passage between brothers has gone beyond respect and understanding between us, there is only judgement and accusations left hanging in the air. So, with deep regret I bow my way out of this unfortunate situation in my life, i say my final farewell to both of my brothers here and now.