Making Sense out of Non-Sense 3

Listening to "Asian Spirit" from a video on You Tube while making the entry for today, a good discovery made this morning. Chinese songs and modern compositions featuring classical instruments alongside a modern orchestra; When east meets West. Within me I am struggling to find my footing still, what shall i write about that is pertinent to my effort in self discovery, what am I missing? Where do i head from here on, why am I so uncertain and anxious to get things done and often not being able to attend to what is right before my eyes that needed tending to. On the other hand I am finding it getting easier to  handle the daily ball game, like things are less tougher than i I always assumes, like bad things are always lurking around the corners and so forth. i am less concern about the things around the corner bad or good, i am finding myself more in the moment in time..the Now. Perhaps my meditation practices incomplete and haphazard as it may seem, is paying off.

I find myself looking more and more within even when I am not sitting in meditation, like while waiting in line to pay the bills or as i am doing now, looking within to find the answers. It is perhaps part of the aging process that a man my age would look more and more for that quiet spot to chill, listening to Modern classical Chinese Music while writing about it. I am getting up there in age as they say and my moods and temperament shifts a little slower of late and it seems like it does not really matter much any more most of the stuff that comes my way. Perhaps i am loosing my warrior's edge and being endowed with the monk's beggar's bowl. The Buddha lived most of his awakened life moving from street to street, forest to forest, villages to villages and cities to cities, he was a beggar. What am i missing, what is not enough? I live a much more sheltered life than the Buddha did after he gave up being one of the most revered and loved prince of a great Indian Kingdom. It was hell to give up one's palace life in search of Truth,; Gautama the Shakya Prince of Kapalivastu did it some 2500 years ago or so they say. In the galaxies of the universe he would have shone out like a Sun among other stars and planets. They gave Him the title of "The World and Time Honored One." 
The Buddha's quest to unravel the mysteries of life or untangle the web and chaos of life was a stepping stone in the path of humanity as it marches towards its final destination - Liberation or Nirvana. I was born and raised a Buddhist as well as a Muslim in my childhood years and this conflict or religious interest in me has caused for many an untold sleepless nights and agony of the soul. I twist and turn over in my mind and in my soul as to who I am, a Muslim or a Buddhist, and now i can safely say that I am both and then some more.. It does not make me rich or famous in discovering this but it has allowed me to choose my own grounds, my own dharma Position, my own "Pendirian Mutamad.' I am s spiritual entity seeking to become free of his past present and future mental delusions and physical impermanence. I seek to become liberated from this circle of life -death and rebirth, just like Shakyamuni Buddha did. Failing this i would like to be as wise as J.Krishnamurti or Sadguru or Alan watts and failing this i would like to aspire to become as creatively alive as Hokusai and Rembrandt the older i grow till I die...
Insha' Allah all will come to be as it is His Will to make it happen. I am a Muslim but not by practice, I am a Muslim in my Heart of hearts, within the confines of my soul and in my emotions when they express themselves; I cry, laugh, sit or stand as a Muslim, it is my personal path, I chose to walk. I practice the Buddha's Way of understanding Life and thus making it less oppressive than it is, less suffering and more joy in all humanity, rich or poor, wherever they may be. I too seek to awaken and awaken the Universe along with me even if it is just for a split second of a moment in time. At the beginning of the Epic course in Buddhism written in the Abidharma, the Buddha asked as question, "Who untangle the Tangle," and the question is aimed humanity itself. The Abidharma is a text of Buddhist practice towards becoming a monk. This very same question has been my  Zen Koan when i first heard it while at the Zen Center at the Tassajarra Zen Mountain retreat in the Big Sur Mountains of Carmel Valley, California - 1985? . I have been carrying it with me like a ball of fire in my belly. 
"What is the Imperturbable Mind, Bahari!" my former teacher once asked me and it become my Koan for sometime.
"What is the Buddha's Mind, Junpo Kelly San?" I found the answer while sitting s Sesshin at Green Gulch Zen Zenter and it set me free from my aches and pains of my seven days of sitting was all it did, I am forever indebted to my Teacher, my first Zen Roshi - Junpo Denis Kelly.

Abbot Jun Po Denis Kelly Wisconsin    Jun Po Denis Kelly, received his Zen Masters recognition in 1992. He was Vice Abbot and head monk as well as resident yoga teacher at Dai Bosatsu Zendo Kong Ji in the Catskill .. Full Bio

Although our parting was rather dramatic and uncool, I still maintain a great respect for the man who got my life started in San Francisco. I would like to take the opportunity to wish if not remember Mrs. Rosella Kelly, Junpo's Mom, who was the catalyst got i all started. It happened while we were polishing copper printing plates at the Fine Arts Studio at the University of Wis. Green Bay. We were members of the printmaking club lead by Prof. Timothy Josephs. Rossela elbowed my and whispered in my ear, "Sam, it is time for you to leave!" and the rest as they say is written somewhere in my Blog if you can find it.