I am still the Elegant beggar.

There comes a point in one's life when it all don't seem to matter but still there is that lingering cause for one to contemplate upon whether life as one has lived all these years been worth all the hoopla. All the time spent experimenting with the rights and wrongs the good and bad, the ideas that were well worth it and those that were meant for the bin, were they what life is all about? In the end it all boils down to what there is that you are leaving behind for those that comes after, your kids and their kids. Me, i have left very little in terms of creature comfort or the physical well being for my children and as far as wealth and fame is concern, I am a miserable failure. Am I cutting myself down again? Perhaps. 
This morning I could not afford to take my daughter for breakfast and she was also strapped for cash and so we ate at my cousin's, but i felt the pain in not being able to buy my child a meal when she needed one and had to resort to taking advantage of my relatives. My mother did not tell me that there will be days like these, we never too much communication anyway. My daughter kept a cheerful smile despite knowing the fact that we were both in financial need; she is a fighter. What of my boys? Well, it is my feeling that they have all three of them an ax to grind against the old man and so I have not much too look forward to in terms of a helping hand or a handout from these three; only my daughter have asked me if i have eaten or how are you feeling Dad, every now and then. 
This is Karma and what karmic retribution is all about. For all my past transgressions, my faults and errors my misjudgments and shortsightedness, i am now reaping the harvest; cool! Would not have it any other way. What is the sense of living a laid back lifestyle where all is handed to you while all you have to do is sit and wait for the Fat Lady to Sing the Blues. Nope! It is a blessing in disguise that i still am having to figure out what went wrong and how to remedy the after effects of my flounders. Like what my Chinese auto air conditioner mechanic friend kept telling me, "Shamsul, you are a fighter and you do not die so easily." I spend a good many hours of my time at his shop extracting copper wires from the discarded cooling coils to sell so that I can pay form the car i am driving. What more challenging activity can one ask for at the age of  67? I am sitting on my behind counting my breath while hammering and prying and twisting and pulling out copper wires so my hands and especially my finger become strong while working out a good sweat.
The Universe or God is keeping a good eye on me, that i will not deny as the little surprises or mini miracles keeps popping into my life. As i arrived her and sat to make this entry after dropping off my daughter at her apartment, a friend, a member of the staff at MGTF here came and dropped off a large order of rice with half a salted egg and a large Tandoori type chicken along with a drink of ice tea to go with. As i had my earphones on listening to the Theme from "The Last of the Mohicans, " on You Tube, which i often do when making my Blog entry, I looked at him and made a 'Gasho', putting my palms together and nodding my head with a smile, he smiled and walked away. I have become the image that  H had put into my head sometime ago that I am an elegant beggar in this life. My sense of pride and prejudice has been swept away along the way as i set myself towards the Gates of Liberation.
No doubt I still do have my doubts and lack of confidence in the true dimensions of my own inner being and how it has began to flower into reality through these small miracles that has kept my faith from being worn out beyond redemption. Like, let me relate another recent episode that relates to this. It took place yesterday where I was attending a 'Kenduri' or feast, like a send off party for one of my cousins who was leaving off to perform the Haj. As I approached him at his house and shook his hand and gave a hug I felt ashamed that i did not have any gift in my hand to slip into his palm like is done by everyone else when in this situation; yes i was broke. I spent the whole afternoon brooding over this matter as i watched every gentleman who arrived at the feast slipping into his hand an envelop. Then when it came time for use to leave, my elder sister who came along called me and handed me an envelop and told me to hand it to my cousin. I asked who shall i say gave this, and she said don't say anything, just give.
Yes, The Universe takes care of itself and the Lord is ever full of mini miracles if one is aware and present to what is manifesting every moment of the day. Be thankful, be at peace and believe in your own inner being with patience;" knock, and it shall be opened, ask it shall be given."