The heat is Killing Me!

I have been busy working on my Malay version of My Auto biography so much so the i have been neglecting to write my Blog entry. It is good to ee that there is still those out there following my ramblings of the past 10 years or so. Not much to talk of that would be enlightening or inspiring except that I am going around in the same old ground of trying hard but not making it to the finals. Story of my life, an unfinished story. 
Living day to day and watching the world go by wishing and hoping for some change in the tune but still am stuck in the same old rut with a whole lot of work but not a thing to show for.I started working on my 100 feet long painting of Georgetown, fine touching more defining of the existing images and am beginning to enjoy it. My eyes are not what they used to be and find myself staring closer  to the papaer when I draw, but it has been worthwhile after all these years, my eyes have served me well and if they decide to become less effecting what can i say, old age is setting in? My friend the mechanic, Ah Huat insist that he takes me to the eye specialist, bless his heart. my son Nazri was the last one to have my eyes looked at while I was visiting him in Dubai a few years back. Sadly enough he is now unavailable thanks to his wife.
So twin came for a visit and he was complaining of the same problem with his eyesight and is going to visit this specialist and that to get them fixed. I sat and listened wishing that he would turn around and ask his brother if he has the same problem. But, no way not him, 
it has been so hot here with no rain in sight for the past few months and my two children and I have only one fan left spinning and so we all three of us sleep in the same small room. Two of us sleep on the flor while one on the small bed. Need i go on? I should stop sharing this ramblings as it has become too boring for me to write and for sure for those who have been following my Blog to read. So if the number of reader drops to 10 i would be contented. This is the reality of what life is all about, some days you fall falt while others you are at the top of the world. Even if they do not make much difference, it would still  be great to have an air conditioning unit installed; the heat is killing me! .

What if? Who Cares! About water.

I have to mention of the heat wave hat is hitting the region making it one of he worse i yet seen in my lifetime. It really has not arrived at the critical stage as yet but already the rice fields are turning into dry lands barren with cracked earth surface. The weather is taking its toll slowly but surely and although it has not really woken up the general population to the reality of a serious drought as yet, the general population is beginning to slowly show signs of irritation of not being able to wash their cars without feeling guilty. Mosques have not done any special prayers for rain like they usually do in the past which means the religious ones are not too concern with whole situation either; we can still wash five times a day for prayers.
Dams all over the country are beginning to show very low water levels, but the government is not too and insist that we have ample supply to last us a few more months yet; don' worry, shit has not hit the fan yet. This country has more than its share of rainfall year round but where the water goes only God knows. We will mitigate flood victims every time it rains more than usual bu we will not take proactive precautions towards water conservation whenever there is ample amount of excessive water to conserve. We simply take for granted in thinking that we will never run out of water supply, not in this country.
Water is the key to life, salt or fresh, it keeps this planet filled with natural life. Yet so little concern is being given towards its conservation management and what is worse is that water catchment areas are being eroded wantonly where logging and deforestation are being carried out  Like a virus that is bound upon self annihilation, we Malaysians are guilty of living in denial more so that most other countries in the world. It is not that we are too dumb nd stupid o realize our excessive follies towards nature, but we are too greedy in most cases and assume a great many things to not happen even if it is happening right before our very eyes. What if the drought id here to stay for a longer period in time, what if we really run out of water supple? What if? 
Who cares?!

The Wake up Call - my Dream.

I woke up from my dream this morning crying loud enough to wake up my daughter who tried to comfort me wondering what was going on. The dream was a continuation of events that involved her earlier where we had a misunderstanding and I put my foot down in our deteriorating relationship. i let out a few harsh words like who is the father and who the daughter, yada...yada. I fell asleep after hours of struggling to do so and as soon as i fell asleep i dreamt i was with her in some surrealistic landscape where there were lots of younger people at concerts and and some other events that i could not describe but felt more like. At one point as i was walking through an entrance of some sort someone was pushing me from behind ad as i turned around to accost the person i discovered a huge fist was aimed at my face and it belonged to a young Chinese man who had muscles like the Incredible Hulk. I looked at him and said, " I am 67 years old, you fee like hitting me?"or something to that effect and the episode evaporated. I kept walking in my mind i was searching for my daughter whom i had lost contact along the way. A young Indian man told me that the man who wanted to hit me was attacked with a knife a while back, I walked on not seeing any connection in my dream. The i came to a more open area where there were less people and looked like they were headed out of the place. The landscape was strange like i had never seen before, barely any trees and as i walked on lost, suddenly i was hit by a sense of loneliness and despair of the most intense nature and this was even accompanied by a very sad and melancholy background music that i was creating out of my head. I broke down as the feeling of sadness enveloped me and woke up still crying like I had never done in a very long time in my adult life.
The rest of the morning I felt my whole body zapped out of energy and barely could move but I decided to fight the feeling by going to a nearby coffee shop and buying some 'roti canai' and nasi lemak and distributed to all those who had come to work at the restaurant. Their thank yous and smiling faces helped to cheer me up. I decided to not give in to the negative impact of the dream and instead stayed focused on going about doing what i had planned to do, like coming to the Museum and writing my Blog and my Malay version of my autobiography which i had been working on.I cannot say what my dream was telling me but i have a rough idea on why i had such a weird yet powerful dream.
I am getting old! My worries over my two two children has caught up with me on a deeper level and my loneliness of having lived a single life for the past few years since my wife died has also exerted its impact on my subconscious mind and all i have to do is more or less is to be aware of this and work towards finding a remedy to these events in my life but let it not affect me in the negative way that would lead to greater depression. Thus this writing and the other things i have been working on comes in handy.
My mind has been working overtime and i have allowed many events in my life to dominate my thoughts to the extent that i feel helpless and defeated. One of the wake up call the i read from this episode is that i have to learn to let go things that are beyond my control and concern. i have to trust in matters to take on their own course whether it be with my children or my relatives and friends. I have to learn to accept my own destiny as i have laid out the path towards my own personal goals, i have to stay on track like it or not and pursue my course of actions till the very end of my story. This dream was just another wake up call for me to become aware of the deeper levels of my psyche as the mind is pushed to the limits of its existence with challenges the is taking place in me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to SIT! I have to observe with 'Bare Attention'.   
  

Falling Asleep on the Road.

Now that I have regurgitated pretty much what i had to in order to breath better, it is time to look to the brighter side of life and ponder what can be done to make the leap forward from this doldrums that i am stuck in. basically  the pain in my back is what is causing all the negative output of energy and it has been almost two weeks now that i am aching sometimes to the point of crying out in pain. I have no real complain with regard to my emotional state as i have been attempting to write my autobiography in Bahasa Malaysia and has so far manged over 200 pages in length with pictures. So i have been productive more than I claim to be.  
"You are too hard on yourself," my friend Jim Abrams at Green Gulch Zen center used to say. perhaps i am, perhaps i fail to appreciate the fact that i can write over 1500 entries in his Blog about things in my life where most others find it difficult to set a Blog up to begin with. Perhaps i failed to appreciate the fact that i have raised two of my children into adults since my wife passed away and they have turned out to be great kids. Perhaps i do not appreciate enough the fact that i have friends who would go out of the way to help me heal my body and provide me with all kinds of financial as well as moral support no matter how small it may seem.  perhaps i am still in the mode of self flagellation and blind to the fact that all I need to do is be thankful for all that i have been able to accomplish throughout my life which most people would only dream of. Perhaps...
Alhamdulliah! Thank you Lord, how i forget time and again for all that has been given tome thus far in my life. I could have been chosen to play the role of a refugee floating around in the Mediterranean somewhere or stranded in between Greece and Macedonia. But no! I have been given all the perks of life and then some to play around with and now that i am approaching the end and my body has a little breakdown from wear and tear, i am already crying foul at my Maker!  Nah! Wake up! Before it is over 
for good and the Fat lady has sung the Blues! Still time to wake up and stay focus on what Is the permanent and unending, what is the original and authentic and discard what is Maya.

I keep trying to read the translation of the Quran and still finds it too much negativity, too much talk of hell and punishment for the likes of me. I keep trying to pray five times a day and i cannot fullfill the obligation without feeling like a hypocrite. So where do i stand with my Lord? I am fucked where the afterlife is concern as thought i am not already in this life. I am in pain, physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain and finds it hard to not get lost in despair as had happened before time and again in my past. 

I had not wanted to make anymore entries into my blog as I really have no more nice thins to talk of, no more inspirations to share with, but oonly moans and groans, ramblings of a sick and tired mind that has been run through the grind of this so called life. But seeing that i had made a commitment towards this voluntary record keeping of my ongoing life and having accumulated readers from many parts of the world for better or worse i feel obligated to be true to my cause. My experiment with life will go on and it will be recorded and hopefully before I die I will be able to write my conclusion. As it is suffice to say that i am a man who have 'squandered all my resistance for a pocket full of marbles.' I have nothing to brag of in terms of properties, no home not even a rented room for me and my two children. I have a car but it actually belongs to my mechanic friend who out of his kindness had allowed me to use it. I am practically unemployed and thus no income to actually fall back on and I am getting old with a body slowly giving way to wear and tear. In short, i am fucked!

I should be ashamed of myself and yes i am, come to think of it. Why or how had i allowed myself to come to this pathetic state in my life? I am ashamed to my two children who deserves much better than i am able to give them; I have failed my promise to their late mother. So, where did i go wrong? Was i ever right? Have i bungled myself so bad that my two remaining brothers are even  scared to set eyes on me much less ask how i am doing? Is this what happens when i cannot bow five time a day before God or has God really have anything to do with it?

I know i blew it all myself as time and again i have been given ample opportunity to make good my life but i have failed to grasp the chances and let things slide for one odd reason or another. No sense in looking back is there, most of it is all written here in this lengthy Blogging anyway. I have skipped a whole lot of failures which had been grave stumbling blocks in my path and it is only because these are too sensitive and will prove of no consequence to better help those who read understand any better my faults where it involves the lives of others intimately. I will carry the crucifix on my back to the grave where these are concern and at my age it is too late to regret not that it would do any good anyway.

I have tried to be as truthful and honest as i possibly could throughout writing this Blog and not all that I have written are the whole truth, as the whole truth would hurt others and their reputation as well as mine would be at stake. On matters that involves others in term of fairness and so forth I would keep the cans unopened and leave the worms inside. Perhaps these worms will crawl out in the grave when the cans are rusted and can contain them no more. 

To be Contd.

Retrospect - From Journal- 1983..

Making Footprints in the Snow;
To make the next, one has to act, Become in-motion.
To Act selflessly with disregard for Self Esteem.
Spontaneous in effect.
Free and flowing, fluid and gentle,
Without thoughts and consciousness.
Like a little brook making its way through to the ocean,
That is Life...Effortlessly...Effortlessly...effortlessly.
Just as effortlessly as the coming and going,
Of one's Breath.
"What do you think of the Nuclear War Syndrome, master?"
I asked him.
"The refrigerator has an efficient Thermostat,
 In order to make it functional."
"Are you Sir suggesting that the Nuclear War syndrome is a sort of Thermostat in the human evolution?"
"First as the coming and going of the ice Age, Attila The Hun and Adolf Hitler, every human era is marked by one catastrophy or another."
"So what do we do to avoid, the vicious repetition of History?"Breath!, take a good  fresh gulp of Air and tell me if you wish to end all these, that is your Universe! Take a gulp of cold cranberry or apple  juice and tell me we should put an end to all these! Touch your wives and daughters and kiss your sons and tell me all these must come to an end! Breath! For goodness's sakes, Breath!"
"Would we all not ultimately perish from the holocaust, if it happens?"
"When the one perish does not the All goes too? Why the fears and the sorrows?" is this not what has created to see, or is there someone else? The creator creates, the destroyer ,destroys. As a rose sweet as perfume, must one day droop and fade away, so has humanity become more and more decadent. We worship the Ego and so long as the Ego is worshiped, there will always exist duality, and so long as duality persist, so shall we proceed towards self-destruction. In order that a fresh step is to be printed in the snow, one has to act."
" I am only human and i fear for myself and my loved ones."
"Bondage or freedom have no hold on you, and unity and separation do not affect you. Reasons and arguments, do not limit you. None, whatsoever exist that binds you. As such, why should you bewail your lot? The supreme self is neither subject to limitations of birth or death, nor concerned with blessings or sins. Then why should you bewail your lot? The various sacred scriptures have averred that the heavens, etc. are mere forms and names, illusive like mirage. When the supreme self is present everywhere alike, why should you bewail your lot? ..
Seek for the peace within yourself, understand suffering as well as pleasure, that one is the other, but only from the opposite sides - for one man's fame is the other's misfortune. The answer is not found billions of miles in the outer space, but deep within. So close to yourself, the center. The point of origination, the beginner of things, the essence of Being, Love and Compassion, for the Universe that you have permeated from this center. In order that a war is to be won, a few battles must be lost - start giving up a little of your self that you might see what you have created. If man would only stop talking and act - selflessly, thoughtlessly and without hesitation, he might find peace for his kind and silence this Universe once and for all.  perhaps we will all start it all over again somewhere else."
" What about Reality? The Russians, The Americans, Beirut and Nicaragua and Granada - What about he probability of someone pushing the panic button and get a chain reaction that would ultimately obliterate Me?!"
" When hungry, eat,
When sleepy, sleep or just sit and watch the grass grow."
OMMMM!
P/s The day you can bring back to life a blade of grass, we will discuss Reality."
1/11/1983 -  Green Bay, Wisconsin..

Looking back in time...

"All dependency on other than one's self is pain, 
Whatever is controlled by one's self is pleasure;
Know this to be briefly, The definition of pain and pleasure." 
From; "The Law Book of Manu."

As Falls First Invites Winter,
 bids farewell to end of summer,
All seasons comes to an end.
As the silence in between two heart beats,
is the thundering bells toll,
All life ceases to be.
Running streams and roosters,
calling signals, the coming of tomorrow,
And spring is the beginning
So summer must end,
As sounds of yesteryear,
Echos through the chambers on my consciousness,,
I behold my master, in solitary sits.
His eyes piercing ,
Through the void of darkness,
Into the distant solitude,\of the silent flame of a Blue candle.
At one with the Universe, The secret sound vibrates,
Throughout his being- bells tolling through eternity,
And water, flowing constantly-
Transporting me into his consciousness -of Being.
OMMMMM!
Just as carbon appears in charcoal,
As in diamond, so in reality,
it is only one and the same Divinity,
That appears in both places.
In name and form lies the difference,
In nothing else.
These names and forms do not last forever.
They are unreal because we see them,
At one time time and not at another.
He sees indeed who sees in all alike.   
He is a man with eyes open,
Who sees the one Divinity in all alike...OM...Om...Om
Three times i kissed His feet,
And bid him farewell. 
                                   Written in my journal - 10/31/83 -
                                    Green Bay, Wisconsin.