Happy New Year -2015!

2014 is fast drifting away into oblivion and 2015 is making its entry into the century, what lay in store for the future is yet to be told and what has been for the last year or so will soon become history. 2014 was a sluggish year for me with a whole lot of doubts and lack of confidence in myself as well as in what goes on around me. Creativity was its all time low and as a matter of fact I practically put my art on hold refusing to do much work for lack of the will power; I lost my passion. I flipped flopped from one thing to another not really knowing which direction I was headed and often found myself simply drifting into lethargic state of consciousness with not too much to think about. It seemed like i was giving up sometimes through out 2014 but every now and then i would be jolted into wakefulness by something so simple and natural as looking at the suffering that is going on all over the country due to the natural disasters caused by the floods.I realize then how fortunate i have been to be spared sleeping at a shelter and hoping for the rain to stop.
I made all the rebounds whenever i felt i was totally hitting the bottom and i had swallow my pride on many occasion when i could not afford to pay for my food and shelter but i refused to work and earn a salary it became my obsession for many months creating for myself a guilt trip; what would others say? I managed to overcome what others would say or think of who or what i am according to their standards and every so often i found that i was right, that i could live with as little as I have and live wiht a happier life than if I had more. I became free from being committed or obliged to perform according to what others think i should do or how i I should behave and i sometimes felt free from being indebted to anyone anymore. The feeling pf being free from constrictions and obligations from the stares and lars of those who has one reason or another to frown upon me is something that I would have otherwise let go unnoticed  Now, however i felt more i tune towards most of these negative thoughts and feelings that have over time became a part of me, some of which are merely bad habits that I seem not to be able to shake off from my mind. I often found mysself walking around with uncalled for guilt hanging from my shoulders, which incidentally might be what is causing so much pain in my shoulder area.
It is a small self discovery about what ails me or the causes of it even after years of sitting and meditating, prayers and reflections, being into the awareness and consciousness trip and so forth, I am still discovering these simple yet potent causes that rule my life most of the time unaware. But as small a finding as it may seem, these intermittent discoveries have begun to point me towards further liberating my mind from its self created negative influences which mostly were built out of guilt. My baggage wee full of guilt from my past actions which deservedly so as I have as i always admitted  been a 'bad boy' most of my life. To turn around nd become good is not easy. It is like having to climb a mountain all over again after you discovered that you have let your precious wallet up at the top when the last time you reached the peak. To get back to the top the second time is not as hard but it also allows for you to take closer look around you at things that you had let slide the last time you were climbing; the trek becomes a little more familiar.
Hence 2014 was a year that i did a whole lot of deeper probing into my mind and its ways of defining or manifesting my life. I took a greater interest in my spiritual growth as well as my faith in religious matters. I decided that Islam is the religion i am most comfortable with and that a;although as someone close to me once said that it is an uncompromising religion I believe the Lord that I worship is a Lord of Mercy and Compassion, I used to attribute this to the Buddha when I was steeped in Buddhist practice but find that 'The Buddha is not who i would attribute prayers to and Gautama would not have approved me worshiping Him. I grasped His teaching about how one can live this life in the simplest ways and not create too much of anything out of it; to remain detached from it as much as possible. I have understood the fact that in the final analysis the "I" do not exist, hence His last words uttered before His Parinirvana was "I-Am no more!" When the "I" ceases to exist only the One remains, and Islam calls Him Allah - Lord of Creation. The demise of the "I" in Islam is what is known as "Fana'"

1. Fanaa (Arabic: فناء‎ fanāʾ ) is the Sufi term for "passing away" or "annihilation" (of the self). Fana represents a breaking down of the individual ego and a recognition of the fundamental unity of God, creation, and the individual self.
2. Islam is an uncompromising religion that demands strict adherence towards one's worship of the One God like Christianity and Judaism, There is only the One and not two and for so long as you see yourself as an entity existing aside from The Lord there will always be two; you and your Lord. In order for ther to be only One either you or your Lord will have to cease to be. hence a Muslim upon the approach of death utters to himself, " Inna Lillahhi Wa'innalillahi Ra'jiun", from Him I have come, to Him shall I return. The essence that is liberated upon one's death call it by whatever name. soul, spirit or light or the divine essence or the spark, upon death is released back inot the Cosmos, returned to its source, to its owner.I merges to become part of the whole as it once was, it becomes One. If the 'Divine spark' as i would like to refer to it is too defiled by much negative elements accumulated throughout one's life then it needs to be purified before it can be restored to its proper place with the Source. Perhaps that is what 'Hell' is for. A blackened heart is harder than a coal and for it to ever shine ;like a diamond again it needs to be burned int hell-fire. This is just my simple theory and not to be accepted as the Islamic or any other gospel.
3. The process of cleaning the 'Blackened heart is the whole process of 'Self Discovery' or getting to know who you truly are in the scheme of life itself as a whole. Right Understanding as taught by the Buddha is instrumental in this whole process and guided by the teachings of the revelations in the Qur'an ( for Muslims) , one live life accordingly once a decision is made towards repentance.or 'Taubah".This to me is one way one can undo all the wrongs that one has committed while being alive before one is called to account for in the afterlife, Islamic Karmic retribution is in the complete surrender and immovable faith in the Creator of All. Only an unrepenting ego would fail to see this, making believe that all the negative actions one has manifested in this life would vaporize upon one's death. There is no more accounting to do after the Fat Lady has sung. There si no way to verify this absolutely for none has returned to tell the tales except the Prophets or of the Books and some of those who by the fluke of nature had the experience to be dead and returned or near death experiences. Hence in the question of death and dying, faith plays a vital role for it keeps the mind intact in more than one way at the moment of death itself.The works of Gary Zukav as in his Book entitled "The Seat of the Soul", is good reading on this subject.
4. This was pretty much what i was delving into throughout the year 2014 while enjoying the visit of my son from Switzerland earlier in the year and taking care of my daughter and her needs along the way. As a father I cannot say that it had been a happy year for me as I must have made tremendous errors of judgement to have both my first and second sons turn their favors from me with not even a wish for a Happy new year much less a Chrismas greeting or even my Birthday; but.. such is! Giving up is never easy and sometimes giving up what you love most in life happens of its own accord without you having to make any effort to it. I wish them both a'Happy Life and complete success at what they do. For whatever worng I am accused of I ask their forgiveness and for their uncompromising judgement of my I forgive them. I hope all my children Have a very Happy year ahead..
5. A Very Happy New Year and may 2015 be a very creative and productive Year for all of you as I envisioned mine to be..