The Day to Day Dharma -Vexations

 "hey dad how are you doing? im doing fine, i just adopted a kitty,
named it molly, looks almost like brown kitty the first cat we had in
terengganu.. blue eyes and brown fur. i am going on a road trip this
weekend to kedah with muna and the geng, muna has to go back to get
her car now that she has her license and there's a perfect functional
car at her maktok's house. were going this friday and were going to
penang first because we don't want to bother maktok because we'll
probably be there late, and maktok just got out of eye surgery and she
can barely see. so were stopping by and muna knows i want to see you
so its fine with her.and yes im running out of money. but its fine, i
have like 5 ringgit left. probably will last me till tmrw. love you
dad, and im gonna get a job soon that pays me weekly, its data
formating at an office in MMU. its in campus and its easy. just
waiting for them to call. they have me on waiting list. if i get it we
both dont have to worry about money for me for some long time. and my
fees in total is 1300.75. we still have  a bit of time left. ill try
making money here so i wont have to bother you with money too much.
love you dad. see you soon"

So where do I get 1300.75 and not to mention her immediate need? I have yet to pay for my rent and two car payments at least and what was it that the Dalai Lama was talking about, Vexations?? If I am a female i could sell my body on the night market or being a male i could go see an AH Long, or loan sharks for immediate high interest loans and die getting shot for not being able to pay back in time, off course there's number one son in Dubai, I need to ask him first before i make any of these radical decisions.. Get a job? I worked at two jobs in the past few days believe it or not and both for my cousins and none paid me perhaps waiting for me to ask them. Yeah I realize a long time ago that I will be suffering through not having a good source of income, like everyone else i should become a security guard or a cab driver to supplement my income.
I spent almost ten hours of painting yesterday making changes on my long painting, but that is not work is it? That was just a hobby a non paying job that one can do at one's leisure but hey I have two exhibitions to attend to and three had I wanted to but had to turn down simply because of.... Yes, I curse the day I found out that i like to draw pictures!! It has gotten me nowhere but allot of pain and a sense of loathsomeness towards myself for having become so dependent on others when it comes to money. I guess i have to make an extra effort to make money if i am to survive...beg borrow or steal! I hate to feel this stagnated feeling like  my balls have been ripped off.
What has the wise man said about effort...(this is when I turn to Krishnamurti Ebooks and randomly reads.)
"Why do we make effort? Is it not, put simply, in order to achieve a result, to become something,
to reach a goal? If we do not make an effort, we think we shall stagnate. We have an idea about
the goal towards which we are constantly striving; and this striving has become part of our life. If
we want to alter ourselves, if we want to bring about a radical change in ourselves, we make a
tremendous effort to eliminate the old habits, to resist the habitual environmental influences and so
on. So we are used to this series of efforts in order to find or achieve something, in order to live at
all....
The idea of becoming arises only when there is a sense
of insecurity, and that sense of insecurity comes when one is aware of the inward void. If you are
aware of that process of thought and feeling, you will see that there is a constant battle going on, an
effort to change, to modify, to alter what is. This is the effort to become, and becoming is a direct
avoidance of what is. Through self-knowledge, through constant awareness, you will find that strife,
battle, the conflict of becoming, leads to pain, to sorrow and ignorance. It is only if you are aware
of inward insufficiency and live with it without escape, accepting it wholly, that you will discover an
extraordinary tranquillity, a tranquillity which is not put together, made up, but a tranquillity which
comes with understanding of what is. Only in that state of tranquillity is there creative being."
JK
So the old fart slam dunked me again, can't even get angry without being kicked in the ass by his way of looking at things! But this is the purpose of this blogging, it is to reveal all my weaknesses in the process to heal my 'splintered soul' and Krishnamurti's works has always been one of my guide and source of references. The money issue will come and go no doubt it is after all part and parcel of living if not the more important ingredient. Bu to moan and groan over it is beneath a seeker especially if he or she has attained to the level of being able to see or feel what is. I needed to use my daughter's email as an example on an everyday vexation that will be a part of my life just as my rent and my car payment so as to share another perception or phenomena or in the Buddhist word 'Dharma'. The Dharma gates are boundless and I vow to enter them! This one of the Bodhisatva vows, one that works with our daily phenomena as they arises in our lives.